Lonely even though I'm doing what I should be doing

[SweetCharity]

I'm doing everything I can to hold on but the lonliness is eating me up inside. My love life was a train wreck and now I'm facing divorce.

 

I recently thought I could handle a casual hook up but when he blew me off I felt devastated. It seems men only want one part of me but not all of me. It's not his fault. It's mine. It was the hope. The hope that I could have this fun fling without it hurting me. But being blown off isn't fun. This hope always eats me alive.

 

I'm going to NA meetings. I'm seeing a therapist. I'm going to group DBT. I am volunteering for hobbies I love. I am hanging out with family and friends. And yet, I'm still horribly lonely.

 

I am doing everything I can to feel fulfilled but I swear to God if one more person tells me to m****bate or focus on myself or find more hobbies I'm going to walk into incoming traffic.

 

I know my wiring is all wrong but I don't know what to do anymore. And why is it so wrong to want that kind of love?

Edited July 4, 2019 by SweetCharity

[Maddie82]

It's not wrong at all to want love and to be happy. It is out there and there are some good men out there too. I have been suffering with depression and major anxiety for a few years and that can be incredibly lonely when no-one understands how you feel. Just a few weeks ago I was at my lowest and in a state of desperation for it to stop. I'm lucky though because i have a wonderful husband who got me into some fitness regimes so i work out at home 4 times a week. I have to say that it has made me feel so much better. It's not about hobbies, that's a completely different thing. Feeling good about yourself, that feeling of accomplishment definitely helps. Talking with someone helps too and I email occasionally back and forth with a mentor when I need to get my thoughts out. You are doing everything right so far and if you need to talk, please feel free to DM me anytime

[d0nnivain]

Don't walk into oncoming traffic. Do tell your therapist if you are truly feeling suicidal.

 

It sounds like you ARE doing all the right things. I am sorry they aren't bringing you more peace.

 

One of the things my therapist started me doing that helped was writing a gratitude journal. Every morning when I wake up I have to write down 3 things I am grateful for. They can be big or small, profound or trivial. I have to write another 3 things at night before I sleep. I'm supposed to read the week's entries once per week. I usually do that Saturday morning. It really does help. It's a more tangible count your blessings exercise.

 

Try calling your sponsor when you feel low. Recite your serenity prayer as often as you need it. While you are engaging in your hobbies, reach out to be a friend to somebody else, perhaps ask them to have a coffee with you or go to a movie.

 

Hang in there!

[SweetCharity]

Don't walk into oncoming traffic. Do tell your therapist if you are truly feeling suicidal.

 

It sounds like you ARE doing all the right things. I am sorry they aren't bringing you more peace.

 

One of the things my therapist started me doing that helped was writing a gratitude journal. Every morning when I wake up I have to write down 3 things I am grateful for. They can be big or small, profound or trivial. I have to write another 3 things at night before I sleep. I'm supposed to read the week's entries once per week. I usually do that Saturday morning. It really does help. It's a more tangible count your blessings exercise.

 

Try calling your sponsor when you feel low. Recite your serenity prayer as often as you need it. While you are engaging in your hobbies, reach out to be a friend to somebody else, perhaps ask them to have a coffee with you or go to a movie.

 

Hang in there!

 

I feel like I'm doing all I can but when I get a minute to myself the thoughts creep in.

 

"You're too broken."

"No one will ever want you."

"You're ugly."

"There's nothing inside. You are not real."

 

These thoughts get exacerbated by rejection. I've tried to delve into it with my therapist but I don't think he really understands it. He keeps telling me I can be loved without it being sexual. He even went so far as to tell me he loved me. I quickly told him it was inappropriate. But why does it have to be either or? Why can't I have sex and love?

[d0nnivain]

You can have sex and love but it takes time. Step one is that you have to love yourself. That's the hardest part sometimes.

 

Let's take the 4 negative thoughts you mentioned & turn them around.

 

1. You are healing. You might not be fully healed but you are less broken today then when you started.

 

2. Somebody will want you. There's a lid for every pot. You have to love yourself though first. Focus on the good things & the positive things. You are getting better & healing, slowly but surely.

 

3. You are not ugly. Focus on something you do like about yourself. When I'm really down on myself I try to emphasize my legs. They are my favorite part of my body & the part I think look the best. Do something to improve your own looks. Get a haircut; start exercising; do your make up differently; buy a flattering piece of clothing; get a mani-pedi. What you do doesn't matter as long as you do something that makes you think you look better / less ugly. Seriously it will cheer you up.

 

4. You are real. If you weren't real, you wouldn't feel bad. You just have to find ways to fill the empty void with good things. Try the journal I suggested. It's not always easy. I have yet to write down my morning list today & sadly I think it's going to include the fact that bagster -- that disposable dumpster service now picks up in my area. DH & I have to clean out the garage today. Come on; that's a pretty lame thing to be grateful for. Some days you have to dig to find something.

 

 

FWIW -- you are absolutely right that your therapist telling you he loves you was inappropriate. Maybe it's time to get a new one.

[Osho]

I’m currently reading a book again that is centered in the idea that sex and love go hand in hand. In my belief system love is a natural state and society teaches us to move away from that natural state from kids to adults. And the closest we can get to that natural state is by intercourse.

 

It also teaches that by holding judgements and reservations your punishing yourself. It states that one must be accepting of all states. If you’re angry that is ok. Just be aware when you’re angry. Take deep breaths and focus on yourself when you’re angry. Do not judge your mood or state just be present in that state. The result when practiced is profound. Even in sex the more you are present the better it becomes.

 

The above post is on point. There is a pot for every lid. I once felt exactly like you. Why can’t I find someone who I can have both with. I even went through the stage where I was always lonely. It is maddening. The only thing that helped me was my physical fitness at first. If I didn’t work out I would go mad. Something about the release of chemicals that happens. Then I threw in diet and I was on to something. I still have moments where I do get antsy but I survive through them and try to calm myself down I hit up some friends. Get on here read through other people’s post and try to help out when something or someone catches my eye.

 

I don’t know how long you’ve been working at this but to put it in to perspective I’ve been single for over five years. It gets better. You get a place where you’re content with being alone. Days and days go by when I don’t think about needing anyone. And to be honest most of the time the days where I do have random thoughts it’s triggered by social media, memes and others posting where one should be relationship wise. Most don’t even bug me anymore. At one point being around a happy couple would create a mix of emotion and now I either don’t notice or I’m happy for them and look forward to the day I cross paths with my “Lid” especially now since I’ve reached a point where I’m open to it.

[SweetCharity]

I don't know. I really don't know.

[BaileyB]

I remember that feeling well. There is a whole world around you, you are engaged with work, and friends, and activities, and yet... the loneliness is all consuming sometimes.

 

I’m sorry you are feeling sad and alone. One of my favourite quotes come from the movie “PS, I love you..” It says something like “If we are all alone, then we are together in that too.” Try to remember, this too shall pass... I like to think of life like a chapter book, and this is just one chapter. Turn the page, and your story will take a different turn...

 

Sometimes, you just have to feel the pain. I think, because I know what it’s like to feel lonely in this world -it’s made me more compassionate to others and it’s shown me gratitude, when I found love. I never take it for granted.

 

Good luck to you.

Edited July 9, 2019 by BaileyB

[Osho]

I remember when I first realized that the only thing I can control is my perspective. It reminded me of the serenity prayer from my NA days.

 

“grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.”

 

It made me laugh because I can only accept everything.

It truly was a weight lifted knowing I can’t control anything but I how I feel.

[SweetCharity]

The guy I liked who wasn't over his ex told me he doesn't think we should hang out anymore. I pushed him so far that he doesn't want anything to do with me.

[LuckyM]

Sometimes loneliness can only be relieved by talking to just the right person--

not always your therapist, spouse or friend or anyone. People think if you are lonely well go out and make friends and be with people. No--that fails to work for me and others. I become more lonely. But that's the commonsense answer.

 

I don't know who just the right person is for you...maybe no one now. Very hard to find someone who has real insight into what troubles you, or maybe you don't want to tell people. Do not expect them to understand you. Therapists will act like they understand. Their occupation requires it.

Hard to suffer in silence. Many people who look happy are not happy inside.