Is my friend trying to distance herself from me?

[Lou1973]

I have a friend who I have known for 18 mths & actively had a great friendship with up until maybe 2 mths ago. She has a daughter the same age as mine so we have always hung out with the kids, eating out, movies & all the typical things friends do. We are both single mums & also had many a night out on the town drinking & dancing the night away with our other mutual friends. As friends do we have actively liked Facebook posts & other things on Social Media. I don't get to go out for nights on the town as much as what she does as my daughters father doesn't have the typical fortnightly weekend visits so I only get a night out one Saturday a month when I organise a paid babysitter. I don't drink as much as what she does and currently putting most of my money towards my overseas vacation I am taking in August. Even though we are both busy with work etc we always caught up regularly. I have however noticed the past 2 months where she has suddenly become quite flaky with me, changing plans we made for stupid reasons, arriving 30 mins late to breakky one morning with no text to give me a heads up & no apology when she finally arrived (it turns out she decided to have a big night out the night before spur of the moment & was obviously slightly hungover the next morning). She no longer acknowledges my Facebook posts & recently ignored my invitation to her to follow my new Facebook Business page for a new business venture I'm trying to get off the ground. When I post stuff up about my daughter getting an award at school or about my upcoming holiday or anything that matters she doesn't acknowledge it even though I constantly like all her stuff.

 

The only time she acknowledges me now is when she is entering a Facebook competition and she needs to tag some friends to go into the draw & the occassional funny meme I might put up.

 

Right now I'm starting to think she is jelous of my upcoming vacation, new business/hobby and my determination to succeed with other things.

 

She also has not included me in certain outings and although I understand she has other friends and so do I, I kind of feel like she could have included me at times.

 

Recently we were both at a group lunch and she didn't sit near me nor try to make conversation with me. I asked her if everything was OK with us and she said yes but I'm not sure I really believe that.

We caught up for dinner with our kids just a few nights ago and we chatted and things felt ok.

 

Leading up to the dinner she was flaky and forgot to get back to me on the venue I had suggested and I had to remind her with another message. Fri night she went out for dinner with her daughter and usually she would have asked my daughter and I to join but not this time. I saw her post on facebook, that's how I know. My gut is telling me something is not right.

 

Personally I think that she may have some resentment or jelousy going on internally towards me as I've been doing so many good things with my life lately: 12 Night vacation with my 7 yr old, a 4 day mini getaway in Jan coming up, I've lost a heap of weight because I'm motivated abd watching what I eat and drink and walking for 30 mins each day and have cut back on the alcohol consumption while she goes to the gym and then wipes all her work away by drinking. I've recently started a part time hobby from home making and selling dog treats and it's going well for me, I'm starting to make some money out of it. Plus I know that she feels my 8 mth old puppy has taken up more of my time as her young daughter let it accidentally slip one time when she was over for a playdate. (mind you at the time my pup had just had a de sexing procedure so she needed extra time and care from me).

 

About a month ago she made a group social event on the facebook group we are on to go watch Seafire (fireworks competiond held every year on the beach). We did it last year with a group of our friends and kids and sat on the sand and had our yummy food we packed and had a great night. She organised the same this year and then on the day she decided to change the location from sitting on the beach to watching it from a new friends apartment. She used some excuse that she was still snuffly from her cold she had a while ago and that she didn't want to sit out in the cold night air. Some decided to go and watch from the apartment with her but I stuck to my guns and said my daughter and I are going to rug up and stay on the beach where the vibe and atmosphere is. There were a couple of other friends who preferred that as well. Maybe she is annoyed because I didn't change my plans to suit her however I'm annoyed that she chose to spend the evening up in the apartment with a brand new friend she has only known for a couple months over our long standing friendship... i pretty much got jilted for the new friend when I refused to conform to the new plans... where was the loyalty to our friendship? Then the next morning she was 30 mins late to our breakfast catchup...

 

Last night I sent a message to the messenger group of ladies we are in (we are all good friends in this group) abd I asked everyone how their week was. The ones that saw the question answered except for her.

 

Earlier last week I sent her a private message wishing her a good week so it's not like I'm not being a good friend and not initiating stuff with her.

 

I'm actually feeling confused.

[Lou1973]

Can anyone please give me some feedback?

[Acacia98]

I can't pretend to know why things have soured between you and she's acting the way she is. Maybe your assumptions are right. Maybe they're absolutely wrong.

 

I do know this: when the nature of a friendship changes, it's a good idea to adjust your expectations accordingly. If someone starts flaking out on you, ignoring you, being rude to you, then perhaps it's time to take a step back.

 

If the friendship matters that much to you. Try talking to her about it first. Tell her she seems to be pulling away from your friendship and you're wondering if that's the case and why. Did you do something that offended her? Her answer and subsequent behavior will tell you whether the friendship is worth salvaging.

 

If the friendship doesn't matter that much to you at this point, just let it go. After all, you're not married to each other. Friends are allowed to change, outgrow each other, and drift into new friendships. You are both old enough to be philosophical about it and move on. Just be polite to her. Don't go out of your way to reach out because you'll be resentful if she doesn't respond the way you want her to. And if she doesn't invite you to do stuff, that's fine. Do other stuff instead. No need for passive-aggressive battles.

[Foxhall]

I will not pretend to be an expert on the dynamics of female friendships, however from what I have observed there can sometimes be a little edginess or jealousy when one party starts to outgrow or start doing things that were not associated with that person previously,

it appears your friend is focusing on building new friendships as a priority over nurturing your own friendship at the moment,

 

you mention about developing some new pursuits yourself and it could be a certain insecurity on her part that she is falling behind and growing a little jealous, your comments on the facebook about going on vacation and your daughter getting an award, is she taking that the wrong way- in a sense she is annoyed at you boasting and so on.

 

she is reacting by being a little cool with you,

 

Anyway be proud of the positive things that you have introduced, the loss of weight, the starting of the dog business these are all positive things to improve your own life,

 

perhaps do not try to shove these positive improvements down your friends throat as much-do you need to put as much up on facebook? lol I could be completely wrong, maybe you are not doing that ,but just guessing at a possible reason why she may be peeved with you!

 

Id imagine that the two of you still have a lot in common and that in time the friendship will be solid again,

[The Outlaw]

Plan a one on one lunch/dinner with her to discuss what's going on with her and see how she acts. If she accepts and opens up and you can mend the friendship, that's great. If she declines, it's best to just move on. Make more time to spend more time with other friends and family. Sometimes friendships fade with little or no reason. It isn't pleasant, but they do.

[preraph]

Can't read her mind, but since she's not entirely avoiding you, I am betting she simply has someone else she's buddied up with.

[Whodatdog]

You can't force a friendship. Sounds like you are more interested in this friendship than she is. Sounds like she's just going in a different direction, maybe making new friends that are outside your circle.

[whichwayisup]

Just take a break and stop reaching out to her and putting so much effort into the friendship. You two may be friends but it is possible not as good as you once thought.

 

It seems she doesn't want contact everyday or even once a week.

[schlumpy]

Friendships are like any other relationship in that they have a shelf life. It can be anywhere from a few weeks to a lifetime. It could be jealousy on her part. No one likes to feel like they are being left behind. You could be doing things (like the weight loss) that she wants to do but can't motivate herself to try.

 

I never chase after people, I just make myself available and if the friendship reaches it's expiration date then it's, in my opinion, better to carry away the good memories then try to revive or repair it. It's a matter of diminishing returns.

 

Best wishes