SerendipityLove Posted July 4, 2019 Share Posted July 4, 2019 (edited) I recently stopped seeing a friend because of a connection he has with a young woman half his age. When we started dating he told me about her but omitted details about the level of his attraction to her and the fact that she's 27 years younger than him. I wasn't looking to him to be my boyfriend, as we were just dating, but for some reason I'm really struggling with this connection because this is someone I really liked and I felt we could have grown to be lovers, but I absolutely have no interest and dating a man who is dating a woman half my age. I'm just looking for support right now, I recently had my 48th birthday, and to be honest, the thought of my partner wanting someone younger than me is really making me feel old and unattractive. I also have no idea why I'm so messed up over this. He did not stop seeing me I decided to stop seeing him giving this other situation. And to be honest, I never would have cared if he did not have this level of emotional attachment to her, and I'm weirded-out over her age. I guess the question that I have is for the gentleman, what would make a man in his mid-50s want to date someone half his age? And what if anything is the compatibility? Edited July 4, 2019 by SerendipityLove Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 4, 2019 Share Posted July 4, 2019 Several years ago after my divorce I dated a man several years older than me. Over time he finally "confessed" that his "best friend" (who was a girl about 22 at the time, to his 47) was actually his ex-girlfriend he'd started dating when she was about 18 and he was her boss. I was SO completely turned off by this I called it off. I get it! It is not normal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SerendipityLove Posted July 4, 2019 Author Share Posted July 4, 2019 I get it! It is not normal. GURL!!!! THANK YOU! That's where I am with this. And I remember being a young woman and guys in their 50s wanted to date me and I had absolutely nothing in common with them. Cuz I just never imagined that I would be on the other side of this. And I think that's where my anger lies that I could actually be attracted to someone who would do this. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 4, 2019 Share Posted July 4, 2019 And I think that's where my anger lies that I could actually be attracted to someone who would do this. For me it was an issue of poor judgment on his part. I couldn't see myself long term with someone who showed such poor judgment. Not to mention being a LOT older than her, having had two babies/c-sections, and not having the tight body of a 20 year old! Link to post Share on other sites
Author SerendipityLove Posted July 4, 2019 Author Share Posted July 4, 2019 For me it was an issue of poor judgment on his part. I couldn't see myself long term with someone who showed such poor judgment. Not to mention being a LOT older than her, having had two babies/c-sections, and not having the tight body of a 20 year old! Exactly. And while I look pretty good for my age I'm naturally a thin woman and I do keep myself in shape, I have had three babies and I have stretch marks. My legs are a little wobbly. And although I will never compare myself to a woman half my age looking at her picture I doubt she will look like I do at my age. But I'm not going to get into body shaming because that's disgusting. But it must be poor judgment, and insecurities. I don't really care what it is but for some reason this has really screwed up my head today. I remember this forum years ago when I was struggling with my divorce, and I'm so glad that it's still here. Sometimes you don't have anyone to talk to and just having someone who's been there who gets it helps with the pain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 4, 2019 Share Posted July 4, 2019 I have an 18-year-old daughter and if she became involved with a man in his 40s I would have a LOT do say about it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author SerendipityLove Posted July 4, 2019 Author Share Posted July 4, 2019 (edited) I have an 18-year-old daughter and if she became involved with a man in his 40s I would have a LOT do say about it! Exactly. This girl is 27 and he's 54. If it were my child, I would absolutely have something to say about it. And the other thing too is I feel like I was used. I feel like he used my time my body my energy my emotions, while he sat there and fawned over this girl. By the way she lives at a distance. In his defense he did tell me about her, but I didn't realize until we got into dating that he had started communicating with this girl while he was married, and now he's in the process of a divorce. SHE STILL LIVES WITH HER BF BTW!!! This is complete and total bull**** and I want no part of it. Edited July 5, 2019 by SerendipityLove 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 It's mostly, 90 percent, just sexual attraction with old guys and mostly one-way. But I also have noticed it makes some men feel like they're still young and attractive if they can even just talk to a young attractive woman, if they're captive in a work environment. This one office I worked, there was only one youngish woman, blond, thin, close to 30. Every middle aged guy in the office would hang around her reception desk wasting her time every single day chatting her up. They didn't stand around chatting up any of the other women, young frumpy ones or any of the ones in their 40s. They all ganged up on her. I could see it made them feel like they were still young and hip. One guy who had worked there before I got there was no longer there and was stalking her. It's kind of pathetic. But yes, this is the bane of being in your 40s. If you aren't lucky and vivacious, I guess, you become invisible to men your own age whose priority is tight skin and hard body. Yes, even if you look amazing for your age. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SerendipityLove Posted July 5, 2019 Author Share Posted July 5, 2019 You are 100% correct. And I'm not sure what hurts the most about this the fact that I feel like even though he often would compliment my appearance he was so superficial and wanted someone younger, or the fact that I was attracted to someone who would date someone so young? I just don't understand why I'm so ****ed up about it. I think that's the part where I'm confused. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 Out of pure curiosity, how did he meet this much younger woman? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SerendipityLove Posted July 5, 2019 Author Share Posted July 5, 2019 Out of pure curiosity, how did he meet this much younger woman? On vacation. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 You say he is dating her, but go on to say she lives far away, with her boyfriend. So I gather it would be more accurately described as some type of emotional affair between the two? I think your concerns were valid, regardless of her age. Maintaining an emotional attachment to someone to the extent that it compromises a relationship is inappropriate. You were right to be wary of that and I likely would have done the same thing and left him to it. Regarding the age issue, preraph nailed it. I'm a woman, 38, but I can easily see why an attractive young woman gets attention from men of all ages. The older ones get an ego boost when the younger lady reciprocates the attention, even if it just superficial for her. She might enjoy the attention too, but the chances she would actually want to date a man that much older than her are slim. The men who actually pursue a decades-younger woman have me raising an eyebrow, simply because I would question his own maturity level. As for why it's affecting you - well, you're human. We all have our insecurities, especially us ladies. Aging is a sensitive issue. How do you feel about yourself in general? Something here has triggered you; it would be worth examining what that is. And for every older guy who is chasing a 20-something, there are men who appreciate and are attracted to women their own age as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SerendipityLove Posted July 5, 2019 Author Share Posted July 5, 2019 You say he is dating her, but go on to say she lives far away, with her boyfriend. So I gather it would be more accurately described as some type of emotional affair between the two? I think your concerns were valid, regardless of her age. Maintaining an emotional attachment to someone to the extent that it compromises a relationship is inappropriate. You were right to be wary of that and I likely would have done the same thing and left him to it. Regarding the age issue, preraph nailed it. I'm a woman, 38, but I can easily see why an attractive young woman gets attention from men of all ages. The older ones get an ego boost when the younger lady reciprocates the attention, even if it just superficial for her. She might enjoy the attention too, but the chances she would actually want to date a man that much older than her are slim. The men who actually pursue a decades-younger woman have me raising an eyebrow, simply because I would question his own maturity level. As for why it's affecting you - well, you're human. We all have our insecurities, especially us ladies. Aging is a sensitive issue. How do you feel about yourself in general? Something here has triggered you; it would be worth examining what that is. And for every older guy who is chasing a 20-something, there are men who appreciate and are attracted to women their own age as well. Thank you so much for this reply. You are right, I do see this as an emotional affair. He also met this young lady on vacation while he was divorcing his ex-wife. He told me that she reminds him of a younger version of his ex-wife and has an ethnicity similar to his that he finds attractive. I also look at this from a lens of a a young woman who was often approached by men his age. I never felt we had anything in common, and I often felt that I was being exploited. I do struggle with the reality that someone I cared for woulddo something that I find unflattering. I did know about the young lady, and I dismissed it as something that he would eventually come to terms with and realize was not good for him. Instead he informed me that he still plans to pursue a relationship with her and to get to know her better. That's when I cut it off. Regarding my insecurities, I must admit that I have them. Throughout my life I've never had an issue attracting then, and I still attract men. However I am seeing a trend of my peers wanting to date younger women. And I admit, it does create some degree of insecurity. At some point I felt that it was just me being catty and angry. But the more I talk to others about this the more I realize that my concerns are valid, and that his behavior is extremely inappropriate. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 I never felt we had anything in common, and I often felt that I was being exploited. I do struggle with the reality that someone I cared for woulddo something that I find unflattering. I did know about the young lady, and I dismissed it as something that he would eventually come to terms with and realize was not good for him. Instead he informed me that he still plans to pursue a relationship with her and to get to know her better. That's when I cut it off. A couple of things stand out to me here. The first is that you felt exploited. Can you elaborate on what you mean by that? The second is that he confirmed he plans to pursue a relationship with her. This leaves me wondering just how casually you two were seeing each other. Were you in a relationship, just going on dates, only sleeping together, or? It seems odd to me that he would come out and plainly say this to you, which leads me to question if just viewed you as more of a FWB? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 You are 100% correct. And I'm not sure what hurts the most about this the fact that I feel like even though he often would compliment my appearance he was so superficial and wanted someone younger, or the fact that I was attracted to someone who would date someone so young? I just don't understand why I'm so ****ed up about it. I think that's the part where I'm confused. It took me until I was in my 40s to realize that overall, the main thing men are interested in from a woman is boobs and sex and everything else is trailing a distance behind. Of course, there are exceptions, especially in an environment where they might accidentally get to know you even while their eyes are focused elsewhere, but it's a sad truth that this is the bottom line for a lot of guys. But there are some good guys out there who want a companion and friend and have a little more going on between their temples than what's going on between their thighs. But it doesn't change the fact that out in public, they are still mainly looking at girls young enough to be their daughters or granddaughters. I lost a lot of respect for guys when I finally realized how it's all about sexual attraction to them. Seems so silly and shallow. I guess they think youth is going to permeate them if they stay close to it long enough. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 I'd just ad the only tip I've got for you or any middle aged and older ladies, and that is, just from observation over the years, it seems to me that the best chance of staying attractive to men once you're physically invisible is to appear to be extremely full of life and vivacious and smiling and physically, well, bouncy and youthful. Of course, being vivacious is a chore for most of us, and bouncy downright painful, but I have just noticed that some vivacious women can still attract men because they seem fun and easy, you know, like girls were for them when they were 25. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SerendipityLove Posted July 5, 2019 Author Share Posted July 5, 2019 A couple of things stand out to me here. The first is that you felt exploited. Can you elaborate on what you mean by that? The second is that he confirmed he plans to pursue a relationship with her. This leaves me wondering just how casually you two were seeing each other. Were you in a relationship, just going on dates, only sleeping together, or? It seems odd to me that he would come out and plainly say this to you, which leads me to question if just viewed you as more of a FWB? Exploited= when i was in my 20s pursed by men his age He denies that they're in a relationship, bye continuing see her his words were I"I want to get to know her." It's vague and weird for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SerendipityLove Posted July 5, 2019 Author Share Posted July 5, 2019 I'd just ad the only tip I've got for you or any middle aged and older ladies, and that is, just from observation over the years, it seems to me that the best chance of staying attractive to men once you're physically invisible is to appear to be extremely full of life and vivacious and smiling and physically, well, bouncy and youthful. Of course, being vivacious is a chore for most of us, and bouncy downright painful, but I have just noticed that some vivacious women can still attract men because they seem fun and easy, you know, like girls were for them when they were 25. That's the thing, I am vivacious. It's just really messing with my head right now and I don't know why, this is someone that I actually considered a friend, and I'm just processing all of this. You guys have been great thank you Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 I agree with preraph's Post #15. I'm 54, I have several guy friends in their 40s and 50s. They all liven up around the younger women and clearly feel better about themselves getting the attention of someone young and bouncy Some men are more obvious about it than others, some seem happy enough to never get beyond flirting and just soaking up the vibe. But then some I guess figure why not? It's one of those sometimes annoying realities of being a single woman after a certain age. Most men appreciate the beauty of women of all ages, but the young perky ones hold a special spark, if only for a moment. Notice that (unless I missed it) no men seem to be brave enough to post on this topic Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 6, 2019 Share Posted July 6, 2019 That's the thing, I am vivacious. It's just really messing with my head right now and I don't know why, this is someone that I actually considered a friend, and I'm just processing all of this. You guys have been great thank you Well, then there's hope. Be sure you dress vivacious too, and no, that doesn't mean trashy, but some v necks and feminine colors and fabrics. I'm only saying that because when I see older women with men on their arm who seem happy, seems like they're always dressed colorful and jewelry. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 6, 2019 Share Posted July 6, 2019 Notice that (unless I missed it) no men seem to be brave enough to post on this topic I do know that there are at least a few on this board who do not seem to mind too much dating age appropriately, to their credit. Link to post Share on other sites
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