SunflowerCali Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 (edited) I'm currently a 19 year-old virgin but find myself in this dilemna. How honest do I have to be about my past if I were dating a man? Will he eventually overlook it? Or will I continue scaring away all my potential dates? On May 2016, I was released from a juvenile rehab center. I've been locked up there for 6 years, ages 10-16. My mindset was a total mess back then and my shrink helped me. I want to be honest in my future relationship but at the same time want a fair chance of moving on with my life and having someone accept me, accept my past and overlook it. I want my own children one day. Though, sometimes I feel this past will limit my dating pool. Edited July 5, 2019 by SunflowerCali Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 most men won't care that you were in Juvie Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunflowerCali Posted July 5, 2019 Author Share Posted July 5, 2019 most men won't care that you were in JuvieHopefully. What I did was a lot more than just stealing candies from a store. Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 It will take time and hard work for you to really put it all behind you but if you strive forward you can do it. I would suggest not mentioning it to anyone unless you need too. Guys you meet right off the bat don't need to know details of your life until its more than just meeting up... so mums the word until your thinking relationship. At that point then you should have a conversation. Have a well crafted script in your mind focusing on the betterment of your life and lessons learned. Is there someone you can rehearse what you need to say? That would help with the conversation. Good luck. peace. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 The more time that passes, the less relevant your childhood mistakes will be. If you learned from this & changed as a person you should be fine. There is a reason juvenile records are sealed; presumably people mature so their childish mistakes should be overlooked. Stay on the straight & narrow & you should be OK Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 Hopefully. What I did was a lot more than just stealing candies from a store. What was the nature of your crime? Do you feel like you're a different person now? People can be pretty forgiving IF you are rehabilitated. However, you're young, so you'd be dating young/immature young men so they may be less likely to accept it OR you may attract unsavory fellas.... Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 I'm currently a 19 year-old virgin but find myself in this dilemna. How honest do I have to be about my past if I were dating a man? Will he eventually overlook it? Or will I continue scaring away all my potential dates? On May 2016, I was released from a juvenile rehab center. I've been locked up there for 6 years, ages 10-16. My mindset was a total mess back then and my shrink helped me. I want to be honest in my future relationship but at the same time want a fair chance of moving on with my life and having someone accept me, accept my past and overlook it. I want my own children one day. Though, sometimes I feel this past will limit my dating pool. Just your being right HERE and posing this question in sincere fashion to the society all around you IS a great step, and a great indication about you. You practiced being mostly honest and implied that your standing in the society all around you does matter to you, while even recognizing that your past choices had done harm TO that standing in society. THOSE are the core things of importance both to yourself, your future, and to that society all around you. And as others have said, time where you've proven yourself (in what (future suitors will see as the present) is going to be far more important than the sum of your poor past choices. What you have to figure out, is that the immediate commencing of the upcoming long string of good choices is also going to have an impact on your physical appearance as you evolve through the next few years. For when you have lived on the straight and narrow for long enough to impress even yourself, your skin will glow more brightly, your eyes will exude greater confidence, and you'll be eligible for much greater guys with every year of straight and narrow you can string behind you. Lastly, there's a reason why so many juvenile records are rendered invisible for sooooooooooooooooo many offenders. Maybe THAT recognition is what will let the young-adult you keep looking in the mirror with optimism while you're only counting MONTHS without having made poor choices for yourself until you can start tallying the YEARS you'll put behind you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunflowerCali Posted July 5, 2019 Author Share Posted July 5, 2019 What was the nature of your crime? Do you feel like you're a different person now? People can be pretty forgiving IF you are rehabilitated. However, you're young, so you'd be dating young/immature young men so they may be less likely to accept it OR you may attract unsavory fellas.... People can be pretty forgiving IF you are rehabilitated. However, you're young, so you'd be dating young/immature young men so they may be less likely to accept it OR you may attract unsavory fellas.... Ok this is kind of long so please bear. I'm no longer that person. The answer is yes, I'm a different person now. I'm completely aware and understand how my actions back then were terrible and the damage they caused. It was really bad. My diagnosis at the time was both conduct disorder (at a high level) and ODD (oppositional defiant disorder). 2010...this is bad: Both my friend and I (our respectively ages 11 and 10), were charged for aggravated assault on two younger kids. We beat them up, took off their shirts and shoes, placed them on a large, plastic garbage disposal. Next we took turns filling the disposal with crawlies, moving the disposal around to hear them scream and cry and left. Both were taken to the hospital for moderate-serious bruises/injuries. Before that, an unoccupied parked car has been set on fire. My friend brought the flammable liquid and matches and I lit it, watching it burn. The time I acted alone: Exact a week before our arrest, I got upset with this older, childless, lonely guy (he was like in his 60's at the time) that lived several blocks from my mother's (my father lived elsewhere; they got divorced during my toddler years and I would visit him on Friday, Sat and Sun) house and took it out on the two beings he loved the most; his Panda German Shepherd and Lab. They trusted me and ate from their bowls, not knowing it would be their last day. The next hour, the guy was very emotional and in tears meanwhile I was hiding at a corner and laughing. He found soon and came after my mother. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 You were just a kid , should've seen my record back then. You'll be fine , don't worry bout a thing. Older and wiser and your probably doin your best to get life on track. The right guy will be fine , if he likes you and see's who you are now , that's what will matter to him. Many of us did lotsa stuff growing up , but hey that's why it's growing up. Anyway, good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
SoulCat Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 I'm a woman, but personally I wouldn't go near you with a barge pole. What you did back then are not 'childhood mistakes'. Not even close. What you did to those kids and those dogs (and by extension, to the old man) was unimaginably cruel, and shows some deep seated psychological issues. I'm sure you've had a bunch of therapy since then but I have pets and I could never ever fully trust you around them. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 I think it is entirely possible you will be able to find somebody who will accept your past, and you. I really do. I imagine it will be a lot harder than for somebody who hasn’t made the mistakes you made. But really, what other option is there? Hiding and being dishonest and hoping he/she doesn’t ever find out about your past? That’s not something you have control over. Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 I can understand your worry now you have described what you have done. Yes it was very bad. For me personally, killing 2 dogs and thinking it was funny is unforgivable. I am a huge animal lover so you can understand why that one particularly angers me. BUT....having the balls to admit what you did is very admirable. You were young and you paid for it. That part of your life is over. When you meet someone, get to know them first and when you are confident that they genuinely care about you, then tell them the truth. I'm confident they will understand. I wish you all the best for your future. Everyone deserves a second chance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 Your crimes are red flags for sociopathy. I think you will have to demonstrate a high degree of contrition to have a chance. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 You may be surprised what a typical guy is willing to put up with for an attractive woman with a good body....Seen it a million times...For unattractive women it just becomes and additional liability or reason to walk... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 (edited) Ok , so l didn't bother reading past the first post , so you were a bit of a sadistic psycho , and l'm amazed you went into such detail here , although with the things people will say in forums, maybe not. Are you better now ? Do you feel empathy for crap ya did , not trying to be a shrink here but if you've really changed thennnn, who knows , anythings possible. Edited July 5, 2019 by chillii Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 To be frank, I would struggle to have you near my children unsupervised unless I have concrete basis to trust you have made significant and consistent cognitive / behavioural progress. What you describe is very disturbing. Remorse wouldn't cover it for me, nor would I be moved or impressed by how openly you talk about it. That said, sociopathic / psychopathic instincts like what you describe can't be undone but they can be controlled through intensive therapy, from what I know. Recent literature has shown that some high functioning psychopaths can learn empathy cognitively, and can become 'benevolent'. What have you been doing since Juvi? Can more than one person vouch for your character now? It's possible a man accepts you as you are, though I suspect a mentally / emotionally healthy man will weigh in how you've changed in a concrete way before giving you his trust. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 You may be surprised what a typical guy is willing to put up with for an attractive woman with a good body....Seen it a million times...For unattractive women it just becomes and additional liability or reason to walk... TFY Actually I’m not sure about women who have committed serious crimes, but we read about guys with such a background all the time with no lack of women attracted to them. OP: Would you accept a guy with a criminal past as serious as yours? Would you be concerned about your kids when he becomes the father? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Guildford Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 If you want to form a permanent relationship with someone who does not have a criminal past, then I would say that your situation is extremely difficult. The guy is likely to begin asking about, and inquiring about, your past. That was a lot of years in juvenile detention, they were your coming of age years. Therefore, when a relationship is becoming serious, I would tell him about it. He should not learn about it after you are married. BTW how well do you handle anger these days? You can read in LS about men who have difficult time dealing with their wife's sexual past. How do you think they will deal with your past? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunflowerCali Posted July 5, 2019 Author Share Posted July 5, 2019 You were just a kid , should've seen my record back then. You'll be fine , don't worry bout a thing. Older and wiser and your probably doin your best to get life on track. The right guy will be fine , if he likes you and see's who you are now , that's what will matter to him. Many of us did lotsa stuff growing up , but hey that's why it's growing up. Anyway, good luck.Thank you for your optimism but not many children do what I did. It isn't normal at any age. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 What you did was very serious. I assumed as much given how long you were incarcerated. Hopefully you have been given insights into why you did those horrible things & you have learned impulse control. Most people aren't going to trust & will look at you differently. Certain men will walk away immediately. That doesn't mean that the right person won't be willing to give you a chance but you have to stay calm & prove every day that you are no longer that troubled homicidal child. Are you still working with therapists to remain calm & problem solve in a constructive way especially when you are frustrated? Have you cut all contact with the other child who you two egged each other on? Do you know how to identify & stay away from that sort of person now? Are you enrolled in school or job training? Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 Thank you for your optimism but not many children do what I did. It isn't normal at any age. Well, you're right about that. Honestly, I would put dating on the back burner until you're 25, which is the age at which your brain will be fully formed into adulthood. With your history, I'd be worried that when you get mad at a partner, which inevitably will happen in a relationship, you'd fly off the handle and do something really bad. You need to make sure you have the coping skills to handle the tough parts of adult life. At 19, you're still just a kid with kid coping skills. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunflowerCali Posted July 5, 2019 Author Share Posted July 5, 2019 When I was older (15 by then) and still at juvie, I apologized for the first time in letters. It was addressed to the parents of the two kids and the older guy. Sadly (and understandable), neither letter was accepted. All of them found my acts unforgivable and requested that was the last time I contacted them. To the older guy, he still viewed me as the evil brat, as the devil (those were one of the words he referred me as back then when he got my mother and cops involved). Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 To the older guy, he still viewed me as the evil brat, as the devil. Why were you so mad at him? What did he do to you? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts