AmazingChaos Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 (edited) Ok, so there is no easy way into this. I'm kind of a wreck so we'll hope this makes sense. I've been married for 19 years. One and only marriage for both of us. We have 3 girls, our oldest is about to move out to college, we have a 16 and a 13 year old at home. We married 8 weeks after we met. We really never had any real issues until my DH walked out of his job as a medic. PTSD is bad, he'd been having issues for a while and finally just couldn't do it anymore. He became a different person and it took a very long time for him to finally be mostly ok again. He never really liked huggy stuff, no PDA, even holding hands in public was something we really had to work at. He's never been a touchy peroson. He went back to school and is a mathematician now and teaches. Several years ago it started to get much, much worse. We started having a lot of problems, fighting about everything. Honestly, looking back now, I can see what was happening...but back then I just thought it was money or whatever people fight about. He took a job in England last year and was gone for 6 months...it was ok but a whole other story, so just know he was out of the county for a bit. So now we've finally gotten down to what's really wrong and my world is just gone. I have no sense of who I am anymore and I am rethinking every single thing. The problem: I knew he didn't really like touch. I didn't know how bad it was. So, I would go to bed, he'd stay up. I'd message and say "come to bed and cuddle" or whatever. I got back "in a bit, I'm working on something". There is only so many times you can do this before you finally get the hint. After a nice little spat, he says he'd really never be bothered if we never had sex again, never touched again. Well, Ok, so I resolve to not touching him, we'll work it out. Then, a few days later...something happened. I do not really wanna even talk about it, cause it still makes me sick to think of it. It made things so much worse and we finally had a huge fight and got down to the center of it all. He's never liked touching...not when we were dating, never. It makes him uncomfortable at the least and then can escalate from there. PTSD made it much worse, but he still kept doing stuff to try and make me happy. I asked him why and he said he wanted to make me happy and all. I asked him about when we were dating, and he confirmed he didn't even really want to touch then, but didn't ever say anything. I just can't get over how different things could have been had I known...yes, we might not have gotten together...but seriously. It's like he hid is entire self from me and I feel so bad about every time I've ever touched him. I feel like I've used him...almost like abuse. We have 3 kids, we're married. Never have I given thought to touching my husband and now I am so thrown off. I don't even know who I am right now. For him, life is normal...better even, I think...cause now I'm not touching him. For me, it's horrible. I'm a touchy person, I need touch and cuddling and all that. Now I feel like there's a wall between me and the world. I don't even know how to talk sometimes, because I would normally touch when I talk. I would touch his arm or something when I asked how he was. Or hug him when I came in the room to see what he was doing. I am in hell...and I don't know how to handle it. I've looked somethings up, and it's helped me. We both have medical backgrounds, so honestly this sounds like a real, honest fear of touch. He's OCD and has PTSD and has some traumatic events in his childhood involving touch (his dad threw him off a dock to learn to swim...guess what...he can't swim and he hates water now) So haphephobia is not a real surprise. I just wish he'd told me...but I can't change that. I also can't figure out how to change me after nearly 20 years of marriage. Right now, we live together... I just kinda class us as friends. We talked and I need an anchor point and that seemed a good one, but it's so hard. It's been a week and the most we've touched is 2 fistbumps and a high five after have a day of no fighting. I want to throw up. There is so much more..but I can't even get it into words for me, much less anyone else. I just need some outside views. I'm hoping that will let me see what I can change and how we can adjust. Edited July 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 I'm hoping that will let me see what I can change and how we can adjust. You're looking for something non-existent, like the occasional post where someone marries an introvert, stays together for two decades and then complains they're not the life of the party. I'm confused by this: I just wish he'd told me...but I can't change that. ...in light of this: He's never liked touching...not when we were dating, never. It makes him uncomfortable at the least and then can escalate from there. Eight weeks isn't a lot of time to get to know someone, but surely there were signs he wasn't the ideal partner for someone self-described as "a touchy person"? Even the honeymoon must have been somewhat less than ideal. And yet here you are, 19 years and 3 kids later, wishing things were different. Not a realistic scenario. AmazingChaos, I'm afraid no good news from me. I couldn't live the way you describe, though I understand every person has different priorities. I'd guess your choices are as simple as they seem - stay and endure, or leave and find something better. Maybe others can paint a rosier picture... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Flame Aura Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 You can't change anything if he is not willing to make an effort to change to save the marriage. You need to decide if you can live in a touchless marriage, I know I couldn't. If not then you know what you need to do to be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AmazingChaos Posted July 5, 2019 Author Share Posted July 5, 2019 We've been through more hard things than I can count, honestly. With no exaggeration I can say we've survived things half of marriages don't. I keep thinking, is this what does it? After everything...is this where we part? Do I even want to go? I want nothing to do with anyone else or dating...and I don't know if it that is due to the fact that I am obviously depressed by this or what. I keep thinking back over the years and people coming up and talking with me saying they want what me and my husband have. That we always made it look so easy and it was easy to see we loved each other. Most of the time I just wondered if they were on something, because he and I have the most jaded outlooks on life due to working in the medical field and we speak fluent sarcasm to each other. Maybe that was it...we never pulled punches...spoke truth, even if it hurt...who knows. And surely I knew this all along, that this aversion to touch went much deeper than he let on...I consider myself a smart human, I had to have just ignored it or blocked it. Now that I can't do that...I have this huge ton of guilt and doubt and crap. This is about me...no doubt. He is not going to change...and he refuses counselling. Has for years. So, this is all me. Problem is, it's a really bad idea to make decisions involving the future of my family when I am having issues finding who I am right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 Problem is, it's a really bad idea to make decisions involving the future of my family when I am having issues finding who I am right now. It might be more truthful to say "you won't find out who you are until you decide on your future". Your kids will survive regardless, though one wonders about the effect of growing up with a physically distant father - if he's like that with them. Is he ? This is really about you AmazingChaos, and the choices you'll make for the second half of your life. Something I read once resonated with me - "The best gift you can give your child is your-own emotional well-being" Think about it... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 6, 2019 Share Posted July 6, 2019 If it’s not a good match and he’s not willing to work on his issues/and he isn’t meeting your needs - then divorce him. You’ll be happier in the long run. Do you work? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AmazingChaos Posted July 6, 2019 Author Share Posted July 6, 2019 No, I am disabled. I have a seizure disorder. I'm going Monday to talk with someone who could help me get a new certificate and go back to work without loosing my disability, but that takes a bit of time. I can drive right now, but if I have an abnormal EEG then back to no driving for 6 months after my next normal EEG, if that happens. I have been wracking my brain over this decision, and I cannot come up with anything. Sometimes I think he's manipulating me to stay with him...but is that really what's going on...I have no idea. I don't want to have an un-intimate relationship with my husband. That's not just talking about sex, that's those little touches, little words...laying on the couch with my feet in his lap..etc. I feel that is closed off to me now. He just seems like he's waiting for me to get over this. Waiting for me to get over my fit or whatever. I can't support myself on my own, I really don't have any friends that I trust..I am very much alone. I've put myself in this position and now I am reaping the consequences I guess. He and I are great friends...he's fun as a friend, we joke, we have a great time...as friends. I don't wanna loose that. He's been there for me in the darkest times, when we didn't know what was wrong with me...when the misdiagnosed me with schizophrenia and I was crazy because I was on the wrong medication, when I was in danger of dying more than once due to illness or high risk pregnancy. Every step he has been there and supported me and I feel like **** that I feel this way now. I feel like **** that this may be the end and that honestly the only thing I'm worried about in reality is being able to support myself and live on my own again. That is what is making me feel like this. I feel sick over it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 7, 2019 Share Posted July 7, 2019 I feel like **** that this may be the end and that honestly the only thing I'm worried about in reality is being able to support myself and live on my own again. That is what is making me feel like this. I feel sick over it. Hey, no kicking yourself - that's our job . I'd guess with two kids at home, your financial concerns are less selfish than you seem determined to make them out to be. And after two decades of marriage and three kids, his support obligations are the same, married or not. One step at a time... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 Did he say why he had an aversion to touch? Is it possible he is gay? You mention OCD too. I am wondering if he is on the autistic spectrum. This could explain aversion to touch and OCD. Is he weird about food, clothing, doing things in a specific, rigid way? Anyway, whether he is on the autistic spectrum or not, it really does not help you with your situation. You are heavily invested and dependent on him so I can completely understand your worries. It sounds to me like part of you is saying 'I cannot continue in a touchless marriage' and the other half is worried about how you will cope without him as security. You also seem to be worried about letting him down, given how he has supported you. I think you need to focus on how you feel to help you decide what to do here. One should not feel sick in a loving relationship. Continuing to feel like that will damage your health. How do you feel about the idea of staying with him? Do you want to continue feeling that way for the rest of your marriage? If not, maybe you need to start looking at what the possibilities are for leaving this marriage. Once you have come to some sort of conclusion, you will at least feel less conflicted. Lastly, I don't know what happened between you that made you feel so sick but it was bad enough that you did not want to tell us. This relationship does not seem to be what you thought it was and that is a terrible shock to the system. I do feel for you. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 Before considering divorce - why haven’t you shared with your husband that you need counseling? If he says he won’t go or won’t work on changing his approach - let him know he’s leaving you absolutely no choice if he intends to do things the same. You gotta get honest with him and tell him it’s a dealbreaker for you if things remain the same. Link to post Share on other sites
Sammie1438 Posted July 21, 2019 Share Posted July 21, 2019 Can you private message on this forum if so please message me. I'm going through the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
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