sparklingwater Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 (edited) I have been married to my husband for 10 years now and we have 3 children. I have never had reason to doubt his loyalty to me and our marriage. However I found messages on his phone and social media he has been talking to a girl for the last 7 months. Now this is where it gets strange.... I have read through the messages and from day 1 he told her he is happily married and that he loves me. All messages to her about me are positive. He told her he is interested in friendship only and not an affair of any kind and has made it clear to her he will never leave me and our children. I have seen in her responses she has pursued him a lot. But he has always politely declined. I saw there were 2 messages where she sent him half nude photos of herself and he had replied to her asking her not to send those again. She has initiated sex talk with him on many occasions and i have seen his replies to her asking her not to speak to him like that. I can see a few months ago he flew out to see her (she lives 800 miles away from us) but I know they didn't have sex as there were messages from her telling him that she was disappointed he rejected her and didn't want to have sex with her. I can see that they communicate with each other daily and she is ALWAYS telling him that she loves him and wants to be with him and wont give up on him and I can see his replies to her telling her the same thing over again that they will only ever be friends and nothing more. I am stumped that he is even communicating with her when she is pursuing him so heavily. I did confront him and he was honest and told me that he doesn't know her but she added him on social media and they started talking, he went to visit a friend that lives in this womans state and he caught up with her too. I asked why he talks to her everyday and he said he just sees her as a friend. I do believe him as I have seen all the messages. I spent hours reading through everything. But my question is why? Why is he continuing to talk to her everyday letting her know the same thing that he is not interested in more than friendship and it's the same thing from her each day pursuing him. I do see he has her on all social media and whatsapp - she has his phone number too. They communicate on each platform. I don't know what to think. Anyone shed some slight on this please? Edited July 5, 2019 by sparklingwater Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 Something doesn't add up here. She was a random stranger who added him on FB, and she's been pursuing him since day 1, and got so close he visited her? I don't really buy that. Meaning, I don't think she was a total stranger to him when they first connected on social media. My best guess is that they already knew each other somehow, and he's not being honest with you about how they met. It also does not make sense that he continues to communicate with her if he genuinely has no interest and wants to preserve the integrity of his marriage. He likes the attention, clearly. But I would also be very suspicious that he communicates this way with her on platforms he knows or suspects you have access to, to keep up the appearances of propriety, but that perhaps they communicate through another platform you haven't yet discovered - and that's where he might be communicating with her in ways that don't paint him so innocently. Don't be too shocked if you discover more messages that are better hidden somewhere else. In any case, it is beyond inappropriate that he has any contact with her at all, much less actually visited her. Did you know he was going to see her? How did you first find out about this woman? If he was a decent husband, he'd have ceased all communication with her ages ago. Something is rotten here, OP. Sorry you're going through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sparklingwater Posted July 5, 2019 Author Share Posted July 5, 2019 Something doesn't add up here. She was a random stranger who added him on FB, and she's been pursuing him since day 1, and got so close he visited her? I don't really buy that. Meaning, I don't think she was a total stranger to him when they first connected on social media. My best guess is that they already knew each other somehow, and he's not being honest with you about how they met. It also does not make sense that he continues to communicate with her if he genuinely has no interest and wants to preserve the integrity of his marriage. He likes the attention, clearly. But I would also be very suspicious that he communicates this way with her on platforms he knows or suspects you have access to, to keep up the appearances of propriety, but that perhaps they communicate through another platform you haven't yet discovered - and that's where he might be communicating with her in ways that don't paint him so innocently. Don't be too shocked if you discover more messages that are better hidden somewhere else. In any case, it is beyond inappropriate that he has any contact with her at all, much less actually visited her. Did you know he was going to see her? How did you first find out about this woman? If he was a decent husband, he'd have ceased all communication with her ages ago. Something is rotten here, OP. Sorry you're going through this. Thank you so much for the reply. I appreciate your time and thoughts. I don't get the sense from the messages I have seen that they knew each other previously. I agree with you that he likes the attention. She is VERY over the top. Telling him that he is the most sexiest man on the planet etc. He tells her to tone it down but she just keeps going. I had no idea he was going to see her. I remember the visit to her state as he was going to visit a friend at that time, and he also visited her (without telling me about her). I found out about her as I went to login to my social media and he had his open on our laptop and a message was on there from her letting him know she can't live without him and she is not giving up on him. So I went through the messages and uncovered what was going on. When I asked him about it, he showed his phone to me with the communication on other social platforms and his phone. It was all the same really with her initiating contact just about every single time. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 I would also be very suspicious that he communicates this way with her on platforms he knows or suspects you have access to Yes that was my thought too, that the devices and social media messages you've seen are his beard, and he uses another device or communication method for their actual conversations. It does seem a rather elaborate facade but they probably have fun doing it, and it's really the only explanation that makes sense to me. Nothing else can explain why a happily married man would put up with some woman he didn't know constantly hitting on him. Any happily married man would be sick and tired of it long ago, and blocked her. And certainly not visit her in real life, especially without telling you!! The beard theory, however far-fetched it might seem, is IMO more plausible than anything else. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 (edited) Yes that was my thought too, that the devices and social media messages you've seen are his beard, and he uses another device or communication method for their actual conversations I would just about put money on it. Cheaters often use burner phones, OP. I think if you do a little more digging you are going to uncover how they actually talk to each other when he's not worried you might find out. The fact that he visited this woman without your knowledge is awful. Do you know if he actually also visited the friend he said he did? I have a bad feeling this trip's primary purpose was to see her, not this other friend. There is a big lie of omission here, at minimum, and an outright cover-up at worst. She is not just a friend, and he is hiding things. I can just about guarantee you have only seen the tip of the iceberg here, unfortunately. Edited July 5, 2019 by ExpatInItaly Link to post Share on other sites
Author sparklingwater Posted July 5, 2019 Author Share Posted July 5, 2019 Thank you for your thoughts and advice. I am stumped where else I could possibly look to get more information. I have searched both hers and his profiles. Looked on all the apps he uses - yes there are messages there from her but they are just about all the same. I am lost with what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 How very strange!! Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 I am stumped where else I could possibly look to get more information. I have searched both hers and his profiles. Looked on all the apps he uses - yes there are messages there from her but they are just about all the same. ( Does he have his own car? Home office or man cave? I ask because I'd have a look around and see if there might another phone hidden away somewhere you knew nothing about. Also, keep in mind that her contact info might be stored in a different name or profile as well. Don't assume that the profile/name you know about are the only ones she uses. Same goes for your husband. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 Does he have apps with disappearing messaging features (e.g. Signal and Telegram)? I agree with the others - this is probably being choreographed for the exact situation you're describing. If he was legitimately not interested in her, he would've blocked/muted her a long time ago and told you about it rather than create an elaborate paper trail to make him look perfectly innocent. If this was all above board he wouldn't have gone to visit her and he wouldn't have neglected to tell you, either. I can't with any certainty tell you what's going on but accepting it at face value is not the right move. I'd do more digging. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 I agree with the others - this is probably being choreographed for the exact situation you're describing. That would be so crazy. Almost diabolical! Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 That would be so crazy. Almost diabolical! I know another man who did this, to throw his wife off his trail. She thought for sure everything checked out, that he was being honest. but that was only because she hadn't yet found his other phone. And when she did, boy, it was not pretty. It sounds ludicrous but apparently it's not unheard of. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 She sounds like an internet prostitute, honestly. He loves the attention. I wouldn't get too comfortable about it. Especially him going to see her. I've yet to meet a man who can say no if they are out of town and the woman is all over them and assuring them no one ever has to know, you know, like prostitutes do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 Does your husband have problems saying no to people. Assuming your interpretation is correct, that he isn't having an affair with her, this sounds like something I would have done with I was young and naive and really bad about saying no and setting boundaries. The odd chord here is his claim that he sees her as a friend. That makes no sense--except if your hubby is socially awkward. I have a lot of women friends super-close women friends ... and I don't communicate with any of them everyday, not even close ... more like once a month. And they don't come on to me ... and don't send me half-naked pics of themselves. Any chance your husband is socially awkward and was a bit of a loner and inexperienced with romance when you guys got together? Some socially awkward folks are so stunned by attention like this ... that they can be "hacked" as if were. They don't have the savvy, the alarms and the practice that would tell them to cut this off right away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 Those messages WERE to throw you off. Yes this is an affair right before your eyes. If he was THAT devoted to you he would not have anything to do with woman. I would set my sights on looking for another phone in his possession, other credit cards, and putting spyware on his phone or computer. You can even google her name and see where it takes you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 I wouldn't say anything more about it to him, make him think you accept his explanation so he doesn't try harder to hide things. But you definitely need to keep your eyes and ears open and check into anything else you find. This really doesn't sound good. At the very least, he's susceptible to flattery and ego strokes from women who clearly don't have good intentions. At worst, he's enjoying playing some twisted game to throw you off the track of his cheating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Inspire Posted July 6, 2019 Share Posted July 6, 2019 The biggest red flag is him having gone to see her without having told you about it initially. Funny how that portion of his trip to see his "friend" was omitted from any conversation you had after he got home. At best, he seems to like his ego being stroked, is enjoying the attention and being selfish at the same time. This, of course, comes at your expense. Even if I was to believe that they're just "friends", why wouldn't he agree to cut ties with her? They hardly know each other, but more importantly the perception and damage this could cause your marriage supersedes everything else at this point. It is not as if you're overreacting and being overtly jealous. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted July 6, 2019 Share Posted July 6, 2019 It's almost beyond belief that you are allowing him to deceive you in such a manner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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