Issue

[Angler203]

Hello, I'm seeking some relationship advice, I think it's only on my end.

 

A little about me, I work full time 8-5 and have no kids, no pets. My parents and family members have had dogs and cats all my life.

 

A little about her, she works full time 6-3, owns a house, no kids but has a dog.

 

About us, been together 10 months, I moved into her house a little over a month ago. Things have been going really well with us, only one or two arguments since we got together.

 

My issue is her dogs behavior and how she treats him. They are all things that all the dogs I've had in my family haven't done because they were all trained, but he will jump on the counter and steal food, jump on people and puts his full weight into you, and he's fairly large, for me being a guy it's a big problem. She said when he was a puppy he did that and she eventually just gave up and let him do it, he's 5 now. He also will bark, growl and whine when we eat because she always has to give him a bite of literally everything she eats, so he thinks by doing all that he gets a reward. Lastly, he will freak out, bark and scratch at the door if he isn't with her, if she goes outside and he sees her through the window or hears her, I know anxiety might not be able to be corrected so it's not as important.

 

One of our arguments was right before I moved in, it was about her giving him everything she eats. We had previously discussed and she agreed to try to train him of all the above. I had been mentioning it for weeks, telling her he begs because he gets everything, that's when I finally snapped about it and she got really mad. Now that we live together it's been much harder on me seeing how he acts and she just brushes it off like it's nothing.

 

So my question is, how can I bring something up without her flipping out on me or even kicking me out?

[d0nnivain]

Say something like how much you love her & how you want to co-exist peacefully with the dog but you'd like some boundaries. Then at your expense offer to bring in a dog trainer so you can all learn how to be a family / pack with rules that everyone understands. Make it about you interacting better with the dog, as opposed to criticizing her for being a bad dog mom.

[loversquarrel]

She obviously knows nothing of dog behavior and such issues can be easily correctable. That being said the correctable issues fall squarely with her. She needs to learn how to control a large dog, jumping on people and grabbing food from the counter is a problem. I just don't think shes going to want to address it.

[preraph]

She will need help retraining, and you'd need to be also training the same way.

 

All I can tell you, though, is that I also give my dogs a little piece of what I'm eating as long as it doesn't have onions or stuff toxic to them, and they don't whine and get aggressive about it. Sometimes the little one stands up on my knee with her front paws and I push her off. She knows she's not going to get a morsel while she's pawing me for it. Doesn't stop her from getting excited and trying it, but it hasn't escalated.

 

It's simple. You reward them only when they're acting quiet and nice. I address my dogs as "Ladies" and they do a reasonable nice job of living up to it until company comes over. Then all bets are off. (got one real nervous one - barky)

[major_merrick]

Unfortunately, you moved into HER house and the dog was there before you. So, you have less room to make changes than if she and the dog had moved into your house. IDK if it would work with dogs, but for the jumping on stuff you could try using a squirt gun or a loud noise like a shake can or a starter pistol. My husband has a cat that is always stealing food off the counter and lounging on the dinner table. Water pistol has mostly fixed that problem.

[Kitty Tantrum]

I wouldn't stay in a relationship with someone who keeps animals and does not raise or train them properly.

 

This one dog's behavior is just a tiny glimpse of what's in store if you stay with this woman. Imagine how she'd raise her (YOUR??!) children, if it got that far. Or the next dog, for that matter.

 

It's doing what she raised it TO do.

 

"Gave up and let him do it" has very little to do with the dog and EVERYTHING to do with this woman's approach to taking responsibility and exercising effective leadership when charged with the care of a dependent. Her dog is pathetic, neurotic, and ill-mannered because she can't be bothered to put it in its place and care for it properly.

 

It's pretty gross, tbh. Creates a lot of unnecessary stress for the dog as well as the people who have to put up with it.

 

Sounds like she's got some of the trappings of an adult life, but lacks some of the most foundational qualifications.

[loversquarrel]

OP, you have experience with dogs?, What if you offered to take the dog for training classes? The dog may see you as the dominant figure in the household and will follow your leadership. As it stands the dog is full of anxiety and thinks he is in charge of the house.

[The Outlaw]

She's more than spoiled him, so it's just going to be an adjustment for you, but she's just going to have to give in and train him. You can't just throw in the towel and give up, it takes time with anything. But even at 5, he can still learn. It may take some time, but he should. Casually suggest training him again and see where it goes.

[Angler203]

I was on lunch at work when I wrote all that so I was in a little of a hurry. I forgot to mention that she wants to get another dog, and I told her I want this one to be mine. She's been going to shelters and applying at them but I keep putting it off telling her I'm not ready yet, when the real reason is I don't want to get one and have it learn all these unwanted behaviors from hers. We need to train hers before we consider another one. I drive 50 minutes one way to work, and every day I drive home I think about how I just don't want to go home. It's quite sad lol. Thank you everyone for the advice, I'll try to come up with a plan considering everyone's opinions. Feel free to keep posting if you like, I'm always up for more advice

[d0nnivain]

When you go to the shelters make them aware of the existing dog's issues by asking Qs about how you can make sure the dogs get along. They should suggest proper training if they are any good at their jobs.

[chillii]

Nothin worse than some women and their pets , it's split up many a couple.

All l can say is good luck.

Take him for a walk , a really really long one, where he might get lost , ahhh, tempting but just kidden.

Do you tell him off and smarten him up a bit or does she crack the shyts and undo it all anyway. Even a 5yr old dog will learn the difference between you and her pretty quick if you can.

But with her around it'll probably just ware you out if she does.

[flyer6]

Curious to see how this turns out. I was in a semi - similar situation. I would not suggest taking matters into your own hands, as it probably just piss her off and won't be affective anyway if another person is enabling the poor behavior, and you'll just get more frustrated.

 

I would say this a good test to see if you guys can compromise in some form, and if she's willing to allow or even help change the dogs behavior and if you're willing to let some of it go.

 

My question to you would be, why does the behavior bother you? Seem's obvious but that will potentially help you approach the situation from a more sensitive side.

Is it because its too chaotic, is it because its spoiling quality dinner time, its literally painful to get jumped on, ect ect?

 

I would suggest bringing up the idea that it would mean a lot to you if you guys could together establish some more boundaries with him, and just be as nice as possible and do it when you're both in a good mood an not tired or emotional.

 

Hope it works out and it goes better for you than it did for me, haha!

[LivingWaterPlease]

Seems to me this may be indicative of how she'll rear children.

 

You write that you don't even want to go home in the evenings. Add to the situation what it'd be like to have a couple of dogs like this one and two toddlers.

 

I need peace in my home and wouldn't be able to deal with the situation.

 

Did you notice it before you moved in or just thought you could change things?

[Foxhall]

speaking of children, if they come along might be time to offload the dog (find it a new home I mean)

 

I am not a major fan of dogs myself (prefer cats) although I acknowledge they can be good company,

 

I think in general people could put better manners on their dogs, keep more control of them when outside walking and so on,

 

One particular friend I stopped calling to the house because they kept a cross dog in the kitchen and I had to say straight out " that dog of yours makes it stressful for me to visit"

[Angler203]

I don't know why but it kept telling me I had things in my title that weren't allowed so I wasn't able to make it very descriptive... Anyway, she has a handful of nieces and nephews and she doesn't put up with their crap, so I think the kid situation will be okay.

She is really obsessed with dogs and I can't understand how her dogs behavior is acceptable to her. Her parents don't even like the dog. She takes him to the shelters and he's friendly with all other dogs. We have different days off from work and she always asks me if I play with him while she's gone, but I don't and I say no I didn't because he isn't very playful, she usually snubs off everyone but her. He knows damn sure I will not give him and of my food and I'll yell at him or grab his scruff and force him off me or the counter, but when he gets zoomies or excited he forgets not to jump on me. Every time she cooks he's right next to her with a puddle of drool on the floor because she will give him a bite.

 

It sounds like I need to train her first, then we can train him, sadly. I'm planning on having this talk either tonight or tomorrow night, I've been putting it off for a couple weeks and it's time lol

[Normm]

Hi everyone I just jumped off a cliff and I'm rocketing towards the bottom how do I save myself?

 

You can't. The time to ask is before you jump.

 

Suck it up or move out. But don't threaten to move out if she doesn't change the dog situation. Just do it.

[Kitty Tantrum]

It sounds like I need to train her first, then we can train him, sadly. I'm planning on having this talk either tonight or tomorrow night, I've been putting it off for a couple weeks and it's time lol

 

Yeah well, hate to break it to you, but you probably won't get far trying to train any woman when you're afraid she might kick you out of HER house. Gotta be willing to take that hit and walk away before you'll get anywhere with that. Good luck, though!

[LivingWaterPlease]

I don't know why but it kept telling me I had things in my title that weren't allowed so I wasn't able to make it very descriptive... Anyway, she has a handful of nieces and nephews and she doesn't put up with their crap, so I think the kid situation will be okay.

She is really obsessed with dogs and I can't understand how her dogs behavior is acceptable to her. Her parents don't even like the dog.

 

It sounds like I need to train her first, then we can train him, sadly. I'm planning on having this talk either tonight or tomorrow night, I've been putting it off for a couple weeks and it's time lol

 

 

She doesn't put up with the nieces and nephews because they're not an extension of her. She's selfish. and possibly lazy. If something is connected to her (as your children would be) she allows them to behave insufferably toward others rather than being considerate and making the effort to consistently deal with them.

 

You already don't even want to go home at night. Yet how considerate of your feelings is she? Is she trying to get the dogs trained? What is she doing to make your home more comfortable and peaceful for you in regards to the dogs?

 

If you don't figure out how to make your needs both known and respected then you will be a doormat with her all of your life. She and the children who are born to the two of you won't treat you with respect.

 

You recognize there's a problem or you wouldn't be on here posting about it. To live a happy life you'll need to figure out a way to deal with her or maybe decide she's not the one for you. This time of dating is the time to figure out if the problems the two of you have are problems you can figure out how to deal with together or if it's best to go your separate ways.

[Angler203]

Small update, it was a busy holiday weekend and I think we have no plans tonight so it's likely the big day. I told her last night I haven't been sleeping good because I'm always on the edge of the bed because the dog sleeps with us, and she has wood floors so every time he jumps off if makes noise and wakes me, then when he wants back in he will paw at the bed and click his nails on the floor til she says ok. So I asked her if we can sleep without him and she said it's been her and him for years, and he slept with us again. She just won't tell him no, I'm starting to see how selfish she is, unwilling to compromise for me, starting to think it's a dead end. Problem is I have a lot of stuff and it's all in her house and my family lives almost 4 hours away, I have nobody to help me or even to talk to, friends wise, except the few from back at home and I'm not going to burden them with my issues. But I'm still going to try, we've been together a year, I suppose I'll just expect her to be selfish and will try thinking of a backup plan today before I go home.