Interested in points of view

[Zetter]

My wife moved out a month ago, and while doing to told me she wanted to work on our marriage - she set up therapy sessions, bought Dr. Phil books, etc. Therapy was canceled and we never rescheduled. I think I was the only one to read the books. I stopped being invited to her new place, which I was supposed to move into after we sold our condo in 6 weeks. Then I get the bomb - she went out one night with 3 of our mutual friends who we hang out with once or twice a month and play hockey once a week with, (a couple and another guy). She tells me 2 days later that she "kissed a boy." I'm crushed and immediately the bells go off in my head and I knew who it was. My friend who I have known for a couple of years, who I invited to many outings to bum along with me and my wife because he was single and I kind of felt sorry for him. I was not threatened by him whatsoever in terms of ending up with my wife. As I look back, they had been spending more time together - played golf twice alone and talked together at bars we all went to. We 3 even spent a weekend in Vegas together. I'm feeling like the biggest idiot on Earth at this point. Our marriage was rocky, but I never suspected we'd separate because none of the issues seemed that critical to me. So my wife asks for a divorce last week. I find out she's moving 4 doors down from my ex-friend. I haven't been right for 2 weeks now, but she claims that 1)he and I were not really good friends anyway and 2) our marriage was troubled and 3) we had already separated. My counter was 1)yes he was a friend, and it doesn't matter how good of a friend he was, that is just wrong and 2) while our marriage was troubled, I was under the impression we were working on it (we were friggin house shopping the day she kissed the dude) and 3) separation does not equal divorce. I'd love to know if anyone sides with my wife, becuase I'm angry, crazy, depressed, confused, etc. all at once. I need to sort this out. Thanks.

[JayKay]

Wow, that sounds just awful.

 

I honestly couldn't say whether I side with you or your wife because I haven't heard your wife's side of things.

 

Ending a marriage is just horrible. You are probably BOTH feeling really mixed up and confused. Even if it looks like she's giddy and having a great time, I guarantee you she is flip-flopping emotionally from one end of the spectrum to the other.

 

It is sad that she told you she wanted to go to therapy and then backed out of it. THere must be something that she doesn't want to face up to. What were the main things you fought about? What do you think the major issues were between you two?

[Ladyjane14]

I'd love to know if anyone sides with my wife, becuase I'm angry, crazy, depressed, confused, etc. all at once.

 

Well, those feelings are fairly typical when faced with a situation like yours. It's natural to feel confusion and anger when you're committed to a relationship and your partner abandons it.

 

I don't take your wife's side, but I do think I recognize it.

 

When I was a very young woman, I had a similar experience to your wife's. I'm certainly not proud of it, but as I said....I was very young.

 

I think there's a certain lack of maturity in youthful cheaters. Not what you would expect in folks who are nearer to 30, for example. Some people marry before they've really arrived at adulthood. It's unfortunate, but it happens.

 

I, myself, was a "youthful cheater". I wasn't mature enough for committments at 20, and I didn't handle them well. But I did 'grow up', and I do alright now, if I do say so myself. Married well over 20 years.....and still cooking along faithfully.

 

Your wife may, or may not, gain maturity over time. Some do, some don't. But that's more than likely NOT going to be your problem. And even though it's very difficult for you right now, the fact that it won't be your problem might end up being a really good thing.

 

That leaves you free to find a woman who is already done growing up. You'll know what you're getting next time, because you'll know what you're looking for.

 

You're going to feel sad for awhile, but you'll be okay. Particularly if you keep in mind that it's a great risk to stay with a cheater....like a 'grab bag' that you pay your money for, without full knowlege of what's inside. Best to pass up THAT kind of bargain, wouldn't you say?

 

I can't tell you what to do, but if it were me....I'd move on. It's sometimes better to rip a band-aid off quickly, then to peel it back with excruciating slowness.