Elderly Father getting married

[Goodbye]

Carol does seem like a piece of work.

 

Any chance you can run her off or buy her off? Somebody suggested getting a private detective to investigate her. I'm not a sneaky manipulative person generally but with her, I might turn on a recorder & engage her in conversation baiting her to say bad things. If you get anything juicy play it for dear old dad before it's too late.

 

I can try and find an attractive wealthy 70 year old for her, outside of that, don’t have any ideas. My father feels “sorry” for all she has been through with 3 divorces, poor dear. I’ve been through one and I’ll never get myself financially entangled again. No thanks.

[d0nnivain]

I can try and find an attractive wealthy 70 year old for her, outside of that, don’t have any ideas. My father feels “sorry” for all she has been through with 3 divorces, poor dear. .

 

Definitely try to find a better / richer sucker for Carol. Meanwhile throw nice women at dad.

 

Do get Dad to consider that he will be divorce # 4 for her because she's a gold digger who is bad at marriage. Also pitch the idea of a pre-nup at him. That doesn't preclude him from sharing while they are together; it just protects him when she jumps ship again. Play on his fears of being old & poor, losing his home, unable to get good medical care because she took his money, struggling to pay for necessities like food. Really paint a bleak picture.

[BaileyB]

Also pitch the idea of a pre-nup at him. That doesn't preclude him from sharing while they are together; it just protects him when she jumps ship again.

 

This is what my father did. They bought a home together, they travel together. He has been very generous. But in their agreement, what they brought into the relationship, preexisting the relationship, remains very separate.

[Goodbye]

This is what my father did. They bought a home together, they travel together. He has been very generous. But in their agreement, what they brought into the relationship, preexisting the relationship, remains very separate.

 

That would be a much better scenario.

[LivingWaterPlease]

It's bothersome that he didn't remember your birthday when family birthdays are a big deal to him. I know you mentioned he'd just gotten back in town from a cruise or some kind of vacation but still...

 

In your place, given the forgotten birthday, I might would begin to keep your eyes and ears open for any changes you begin to see in him that may indicate he isn't quite up to handling things the way he has been in the past, to put it gently. This would not be for the purpose of using this information against him, but rather just in case it would help you in the future should you ever challenge his will after his demise as a protection against a gold digger, which it seems from what you've written Carol may be.

 

I might would also consult an attorney now about the situation, to see what would be needed after his demise to challenge his will. There may be things you could do now to prepare for it. That is, if it's something you'd think worthwhile to do.

 

Information about his state of mind, if it's slipping at all, plus information you may be able to gather about her, could possibly present a case to have his will overturned if he and Carol should marry and he'd leave his estate to her.

 

I would also think that an attorney who deals with wills and trusts may have advice for you as to how you can talk with your dad about things now. They probably encounter this issue fairly often and may have some good suggestions as to how you can deal with it.

 

As an aside, my grandmother died at the age of 91 after having a wonderful marriage to my grandfather for over seventy years. Grandpa was lost without her and remarried a much younger woman within a couple of years. The marriage was a disaster and Grandpa and she divorced within a year or two when Grandpa was ninety-five! Sadly, the woman took a great deal of grandpa's money.

[LivingWaterPlease]

My above post is so long I hate to add to it but did want to say that I agree with some very good questions suggested by previous posters as to ways you could begin a conversation with your dad.

 

I'd still consult an attorney, though. I'd think they could suggest ways of talking with your dad that he would see as natural and helpful! And also an attorney would probably know other ways you can help your dad protect his estate.

[d0nnivain]

And also an attorney would probably know other ways you can help your dad protect his estate.

 

 

As long as dad is competent all the attorney is going to do is tell you it's dad's choice. If dad asks, the attorney can make certain suggestions about a pre-nup, a life estate in the real estate & various trusts but until dad asks a third party, even a daughter, has no standing.

 

Attorneys don't talk people into things. They find solutions when asked but basically follow instructions

[Mr. Lucky]

Attorneys don't talk people into things. They find solutions when asked but basically follow instructions

 

And attorneys who do financial and estate planning know that "I'm concerned about my elderly parent" often translates into "I'm concerned about my inheritance" ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JuneL]

OP: While I understand your concerns, I bet your father would think it’s worth it even if the new marriage only lasts a couple of years and he ends up burning a big sum of money. At his age and in this otherwise very lonely and miserable time, perhaps this woman serves a purpose, namely giving him an enormous amount of (albeit potentially temporary) happiness.

[LivingWaterPlease]

 

Attorneys don't talk people into things. They find solutions when asked but basically follow instructions

 

I wasn't suggesting the attorney would talk the dad into anything. I've needed to work with many different attorneys over the years and have found some of them to be helpful in suggesting ways to approach a situation without taking legal action that I'd never have thought of. Not that OP needs to take, or would take, legal action. From my experience, a lot depends on the personality of the attorney as to how much help you'd get.

 

Some conversations I've had with attorneys I've worked with have led to fruitful brainstorming sessions. Of course, there would be a fee for whatever time would be involved.

 

Just one way a conversation could begin would be to ask how to proceed to challenge a will should the need arise. That could prompt a counselor (attorney) to share ways you can avoid getting to that place at all. Just a thought. Brainstorming here with OP, too!

[Mr. Lucky]

Just one way a conversation could begin would be to ask how to proceed to challenge a will should the need arise.

 

As the OP has offered that Dad is of sound mind, any discussion regarding challenging the will would indicate she's placing her priorities - and future - above his.

 

Unless this really is just about the money, Dad get to set his own price for happiness.

 

I bet your father would think it’s worth it even if the new marriage only lasts a couple of years and he ends up burning a big sum of money.

 

Amen...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ChatroomHero]

Rough situation. For the ring, you can just tell him her gave it to you and it was YOUR mothers and like someone else said earlier, asking for it back to give to her is gross. In fact, I would point out to him if he doesn't realize how inappropriate it is, then it is clear his judgment is off.

 

I expect when you're older and were married 57 years and were used to a spouse, suddenly not having one could seem like the end for you too. The fact that he clung to the new woman, it is what it is. It isn't right, it isn't wrong ,it isn't disrespectful...if he spends money on her there is not much you can do as you have said.

 

The issue is you mentioned he didn't acknowledge his granddaughters graduation and your birthday. Point blank you need to tell him that and ask if he thinks that is "normal", along with asking for the wedding ring back, or is that something that would have been unthinkable for him just a year or two ago. You kind of need to point out things he did before vs how he is behaving now in a short time frame. You need to let him know that he is abandoning family for another woman. Tell him you are happy he found Carol and it makes you happy to know someone is there for him, but let him know it looks like he is fixated on the new relationship as a way to cope with missing your mom. Normally it might now exactly be a bad thing, but since he can remember to go on vacation, he can remember his grand daughter on her graduation.

 

I guarantee he feels lost and Carol fills a hole and he thinks if he gives her up or doesn't conform, that hole will be ripped open again. As my parents get older, it's weird but I have noticed when they are out of line about something, I kind of act like a parent and give them a strict statement. I've noticed acting parental for some reason commands their attention more, I change the dynamic if I want to get a point across.

 

You can discuss him forgetting events and distancing form family and end it with something like, "And when I am done, you are going to call your granddaughter and apologize for not acknowledging her graduation. It was a special day and I am sure she was hurt she didn't hear from you".

 

At the end of the day you know it is a crappy situation with Carol and everyone else does, but if it gives him comfort, be happy about that. But with the ring and alienating himself, you have to make it clear (and not in an angry way), that you won't stand for his nonsense. I think it would be a reality check for him that he needs but doesn't yet realize he needs one.