an issue

[Cathy7]

I think it really shows you truly care about her! This is how I would also show my boyfriend, among other things, that he is important! She's lucky to have you!

 

I'm not the best at tidying up and cleaning but every single time my girlfriend stays at mine I spend 1-2 hours without fail cleaning, dusting, changing the bed sheets etc, and I mean EVERY time.

 

 

It's all fine me living how I want but when there's someone else it's only right to make an effort, especially as she's a bit OCD when it comes to this stuff. She's always pushing me to maintain cleanliness as she knows one day we will buy a house together. So lucky to have her.

[JuneL]

I think it really shows you truly care about her! This is how I would also show my boyfriend, among other things, that he is important! She's lucky to have you!

 

Come on, this is just basic courtesy. I have good friends staying over as guests when they visit from other states or countries occasionally. I would make sure the stuff on their bed was fresh and clean, and my place is tidy. I would also schedule my cleaning lady to come the day or two before their arrival.

[Cathy7]

It does show appreciation, especially when you have at your place someone for whom you care (your friends) or someone whom you love (your girlfriend). I would feel bad if I let them stay in a mess. I also appreciate your reply and perspective!

 

Come on, this is just basic courtesy. I have good friends staying over as guests when they visit from other states or countries occasionally. I would make sure the stuff on their bed was fresh and clean, and my place is tidy. I would also schedule my cleaning lady to come the day or two before their arrival.

[Cathy7]

I think that Maria Kondo's method is when you get rid of those things which do not make you happy in your life according to "categories" and you thank each item for serving its purpose so that the cleaning process sparks joy in you.

 

who's marie knodo?

[Cathy7]

Tamfana, this is a great suggestion! Thank you!

 

My son in law was like your BF in that way, messy and not a cleaner. When he and my daughter married, he paid for a weekly maid as his share of the cleaning chores. But unexpectedly he went all in on the Marie Kondo “tidying” method. He just loved the cleaning out phase. I think it helped that he took his collection of comic books to a resale comic book shop and two ~10 year old boys went bananas when they saw the collection so he gave it to them. They literally jumped up and down and hugged each other. Joy all around. SIL went home so happy. Maybe turn him on to Marie Kondo?

[Cathy7]

Arieswoman, thank you for your perspective. It's scary but may be so true too! He promises a change though, I think I will wait and see but definitely not forever and will be very careful.

 

preraph #6 nails it here;

 

 

 

 

 

When I met my first husband he lived in a student house. It was a dump. I mistakenly thought that when we had our own place it would be better. It wasn't. The only time it got cleaned was if I did it.

 

 

Some men are just happy to live like pigs in $h!£ and it doesn't bother them, so let them stay there

[Cathy7]

I've been thinking...would you feel disappointed if the person whom you visit did not clean his or her space before? Would you comply with it/help cleaning/ clean yourself, etc.? Thanks! Cathy

[Cathy7]

... especially your boyfriend or girlfriend. Thank you everyone.

[Curiousroxy86]

I would not offer to clean a dag on thing. He is grown and we don’t live together. I have my own place and he have his own place. It is not his job to fix me nor is it my job to fix him.

 

If it was disorganized but not exactly “nasty” and he is an otherwise great boyfriend I wouldn’t make a big deal about it. I may say something one time but if no improvement I wouldn’t break up over it. Again assuming it isn’t nasty.

 

If it was nasty I just would not be with him

[JuneL]

Can you describe how messy his place is exactly? Leaving clothes all over the floor and dirty dishes everywhere? Hoarding old stuff? Bathroom very dirty?

[Cathy7]

thank you for your answers! It's hoarding stuff I would say that is the problem.

[Cathy7]

Thank you for sharing this reassuring post.

 

I would not offer to clean a dag on thing. He is grown and we don’t live together. I have my own place and he have his own place. It is not his job to fix me nor is it my job to fix him.

 

If it was disorganized but not exactly “nasty” and he is an otherwise great boyfriend I wouldn’t make a big deal about it. I may say something one time but if no improvement I wouldn’t break up over it. Again assuming it isn’t nasty.

 

If it was nasty I just would not be with him

[amaysngrace]

Hoarders have some sort of mental defect.

[MINAKO]

I'm not the best at tidying up and cleaning but every single time my girlfriend stays at mine I spend 1-2 hours without fail cleaning, dusting, changing the bed sheets etc, and I mean EVERY time.

 

It's all fine me living how I want but when there's someone else it's only right to make an effort...

 

Yes, this is what is healthy. My love interest has told me about his very messy car (I have not seen it, as it is back in his hometown). However, whenever I visit his place, his place is cleaned and shined up like no tomorrow. I mean right down to the details, it is all spotless.

 

I myself am messy, but never could I be that way with someone I loved and wanted to impress and keep happy.

 

OP, if this is him now, in the "honeymoon" stage, can you imagine the (literal) disaster later on in the future? Especially with a child involved. Hell, he will be child #2. You say he is caring and loving. If that is true, then if you bring up how this bothers you, he will make arrangements about it and change this behaviour. He has promised a change, but soon you will find out if he is for real.

[Cathy7]

You are right - I also think that it's natural if you want to impress someone, especially that significant one person on whom you want to make this impression and show him or her the respect their deserve.. so it is hard for me to understand. He, on the other hand, feels that I do not understand him and felt sort of sulky about it I guess.

 

Yes, this is what is healthy. My love interest has told me about his very messy car (I have not seen it, as it is back in his hometown). However, whenever I visit his place, his place is cleaned and shined up like no tomorrow. I mean right down to the details, it is all spotless.

 

I myself am messy, but never could I be that way with someone I loved and wanted to impress and keep happy.

 

OP, if this is him now, in the "honeymoon" stage, can you imagine the (literal) disaster later on in the future? Especially with a child involved. Hell, he will be child #2. You say he is caring and loving. If that is true, then if you bring up how this bothers you, he will make arrangements about it and change this behaviour. He has promised a change, but soon you will find out if he is for real.

[Beendaredonedat]

I've been thinking...would you feel disappointed if the person whom you visit did not clean his or her space before? Would you comply with it/help cleaning/ clean yourself, etc.? Thanks! Cathy

 

I might do it once and while doing it tell him that I can't stay in a **** hole like this so I'm going to clean it and if it's like this next time I come, warn me so I can cancel the trip.

[MINAKO]

You are right - I also think that it's natural if you want to impress someone, especially that significant one person on whom you want to make this impression and show him or her the respect their deserve.. so it is hard for me to understand. He, on the other hand, feels that I do not understand him and felt sort of sulky about it I guess.

 

Yes, it is unnatural, but some people, like this guy, as you say, does not see it like that. In the end, it is not as if you are asking him to change something major about his life - you simply want cleanliness and that is not hard to accomplish. You can mention that it would make you feel a lot more at home, or at least a lot more comfortable and welcome if the place was tidy. I hope he sticks through with his promise about the change. Only time will tell! If he does clean it all up, make sure to let him know how much you appreciate it - maybe he will truly realize just how meaningful this is for you.

[BaileyB]

My boyfriend cleans every weekend before I come to stay - he washes his bedding, cleans the kitchen and the bathroom, and tidies the house...

 

And, I clean the dishes when I stay for the weekend. It’s give and take. We both want to make each other comfortable and help each other.

 

That said, if he hasn’t cleaned and his house is a mess, I don’t clean. I also don’t stay.

 

I would agree, hoarding behaviours tend to be based in mental health issues. Be careful with that - if he is hoarding for a reason, he’s not going to appreciate your attempt to clean.

[salparadise]

It's hoarding stuff I would say that is the problem.

 

Are you referring to the boyfriend? Hoarding is on a different level. It goes beyond simply not bothering to clean –– it indicates psychological issues, irrational attachment to meaningless stuff. No way would I date a hoarder. That will become a larger problem as time goes along, and it will dominate everything else. Sorry I can't tell if you're saying he is a hoarder or responding to something else. If it's him, you gotta cut him loose.

 

 

I think that Maria Kondo's method is when you get rid of those things which do not make you happy in your life according to "categories" and you thank each item for serving its purpose so that the cleaning process sparks joy in you.

 

Yea, that's pretty much it. I had a copy of the book and tried the method. Ironically, that book was among the things I got rid of when I tidied. It contains one simple idea; ^ is all there is. I have no idea how she stretched it to twenty pages, much less two hundred, and then turned it into a reality TV show. Ugh.

 

The problem is that in real life it's not as simple as "does it bring me joy." There are a huge number if things that are practical and necessary. If you get carried away and toss one of those, there will be no joy the next time you need it, can't find it, and have spend real money to replace it. Another issue is remembering what you got rid of. It's frustrating to be looking for something and not be certain if you tossed it in a tidying frenzy.

[Cathy7]

thank you for your replies! I have some worrying feelings about the issue of hoarding too. It feels like life without control over anything. Marie Kondo has this one nice thing - the appreciation for the cleaning process and the liberation from the hoarding habits. I really hope that it works out and if not, I don't know..

[Cathy7]

I like this approach! I also don't ask my guests to clean, of course. I was asking myself why should I be the one who cleans somebody's stuff when I'm invited.. it makes no sense. I also think that partially it shows if people are ready for different things, including relationship.. all these small parts show if someone is ready or not.. I don't know..

 

My boyfriend cleans every weekend before I come to stay - he washes his bedding, cleans the kitchen and the bathroom, and tidies the house...

 

And, I clean the dishes when I stay for the weekend. It’s give and take. We both want to make each other comfortable and help each other.

 

That said, if he hasn’t cleaned and his house is a mess, I don’t clean. I also don’t stay.

 

I would agree, hoarding behaviours tend to be based in mental health issues. Be careful with that - if he is hoarding for a reason, he’s not going to appreciate your attempt to clean.

Edited July 11, 2019 by Cathy7
spelling mistake

[Cathy7]

Thank you Minako! I will try to be very appreciative if things change. Indeed, it is not a major change, I don't want to change him at all, I just think that this is such a basic thing for everyone to function well. I know it is his personal space, I try not to become oppressive too. We will see what will come out in the end.

 

Yes, it is unnatural, but some people, like this guy, as you say, does not see it like that. In the end, it is not as if you are asking him to change something major about his life - you simply want cleanliness and that is not hard to accomplish. You can mention that it would make you feel a lot more at home, or at least a lot more comfortable and welcome if the place was tidy. I hope he sticks through with his promise about the change. Only time will tell! If he does clean it all up, make sure to let him know how much you appreciate it - maybe he will truly realize just how meaningful this is for you.

[salparadise]

Yes, it is unnatural, but some people, like this guy, as you say, does not see it like that. In the end, it is not as if you are asking him to change something major about his life - you simply want cleanliness and that is not hard to accomplish. You can mention that it would make you feel a lot more at home, or at least a lot more comfortable and welcome if the place was tidy.

 

I don't agree. She is asking him to make a major life change.

 

Occasionally people are able to make such changes on their own, but it's because they want to (intrinsic motivation), not because someone issues an ultimatum. It's a lot like eating habits –– if people who are severely overweight could quit eating junk food, and exercise a few times a week, they'd lose weight and get in shape. It's not that they don't care about the result; the problem is that such lifestyle changes are extremely difficult to enact long-term.

 

Keeping his place clean would require a significant change in priorities on an ongoing basis, not just momentary desire, and certainly not because of someone else's preference. If it were a priority he would already be doing it, and he can afford to hire help. He just isn't wired that way.

[Curiousroxy86]

Excellent point sal and people who try to make a relationship work depending upon change or change being vital in order for it to survive a lot of times don’t understand that

 

To be fair ops guy express a willingness so no conflict right now. But when he back tracks.....

[MINAKO]

I don't agree. She is asking him to make a major life change.

 

I get you, but he did promise her a change. If it was something he was not up for her because it is too major of a change or she was asking too much, he would not have agree with her. However, like Roxy said, if he back tracks, then it is a different story and I would not believe there is hope or reason to have expectations about it.