No contact vs establishing communication

[manifestchange]

It’s been over a month, our first round of nc failed 2 weeks in, we met up, had a great time, better than when we were together. But later on I approached her with some things that were not good for us.

 

I pulled away before things got out of control, I was thinking maybe another full 30 days is needed.

 

Week later she got hospitalized and I kept her company over text, sent her food, get well card, all while I’m away in a different state taking care of some priorities and regrouping. Her reaction was very enthusiastic and she would establish contact with me. My card to her was the sweetest thing she ever got and we’ve been together for many years.

 

Now she texts me how she’s better and I say I’m glad she’s well and try to end the convo on a light happy note.

 

My conflict: is pushing her away while I work on myself when she initiates communication gonna backfire. I miss her, should I man up and just ask her how’s how are you/small talk, or x made me think of you. Or should I man up and keep to myself, while working on myself.

 

I know this board gives conflicting opinions on what’s right, am I receiving breadcrumbs, or an honest attempt to get things going again slowly.

 

She dumped me after we’ve grown apart bored, depressed etc. she says she still loves me. I personally already working on finding a balance in life and doing better, still dealing with procrastination and getting some important things done.

[spiritedaway2003]

What is it that you want to accomplish:

 

Do you want to get back together with her?

 

Do you want to stay broken up while you work on improving yourself and then try to get back with her later? (Assuming she's still interested at that time)

 

At some point, you will need to have that conversation with her if you want to get back together. Does she want to get back together with you, or is she just being grateful for your help and care while she was sick?

 

None of us will know it better than you two.

 

Good luck.

[manifestchange]

I want to get back together, I want it to be a better relationship. I don’t know if she wants to get together. I just know she’s open to communication. I’m just trying to avoid putting myself in a trap and messing up chances by, not giving her or me enough time to settle down emotions. I question is there a time to cancel no contact and maybe do a no emotional contact instead.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I have been through this so can provide feedback based on my situation.

 

First you have to determine if she was a forced dumper. Did she end it because she felt that she had no choice? Aka, she tried everything to get through to you but you did not get it etc?

 

If so then you need to let her know right away where you stand. And you need to own up to your mistakes and tell her that you will work to change.

 

After that, all you can do is give her space to think things over. Going NC will help her to miss you. You want that. Let her initiate contact. Tell her you are not going to contact her so she can have some space, but that you will be available if she wants to contact you to talk more about the relationship.

 

Keep communicating about the relationship and your/her problems. Be specific in your contact. Don’t text or talk about mundane things that do not relate to the problem at hand.

 

You want her to miss you so don’t be a friend or occupy her time etc. Be clear that your intent is to reconcile and only want contact with her if it relates to the path to reconciliation. If not, then go NC.

[d0nnivain]

If your goal is reconciliation NC is the worst way to accomplish that. You have to figure out how to work on yourself & the relationship at the same time. Walking away to do whatever it is you think you need to do to be better as an individual while leaving her alone is only going to prove to her that she can live without you. Plus, 30 days is BS. If you genuinely want to change yourself, you will need years. Do you honestly think she's going to sit around & wait that long? Of course not.

 

It sounds like you are a nice person. You were there for her in the hospital & she appreciated your efforts. Use that as a foundation.

 

The idea that you see anything about getting back together as a trap is troubling. What are the problems with you as a person & in the relationship? If you specify those perhaps we can help you work through this.

[manifestchange]

First you have to determine if she was a forced dumper. Did she end it because she felt that she had no choice? Aka, she tried everything to get through to you but you did not get it etc?

 

Signs were there in the month leading up to relationships. Sending me excerpts of self help books she read about taking breaks, sending me memories of prior travels etc. The day it happened it was a snap. I let her down that day and she was in an angry stare. She started talking to another guy frequently over text in the week of the breakup.

 

If so then you need to let her know right away where you stand. And you need to own up to your mistakes and tell her that you will work to change.

 

I’ve admitted fault and agreed the breakup was for the best for change. Also let her know that my heart is open to her.

 

After that, all you can do is give her space to think things over. Going NC will help her to miss you. You want that. Let her initiate contact. Tell her you are not going to contact her so she can have some space, but that you will be available if she wants to contact you to talk more about the relationship.

 

Noted, but do I stay no contact until she decides to be more direct and tell me she misses me? Or do I restart contact when I feel the time is right and initiate for a meetup where I save any serious relationship talk when things are going great between us. Ex. body language clearly states she wants to move forward or wants me to move forward.

[manifestchange]

If your goal is reconciliation NC is the worst way to accomplish that. You have to figure out how to work on yourself & the relationship at the same time. Walking away to do whatever it is you think you need to do to be better as an individual while leaving her alone is only going to prove to her that she can live without you. Plus, 30 days is BS. If you genuinely want to change yourself, you will need years. Do you honestly think she's going to sit around & wait that long? Of course not.

 

Change is a lifetime process yes, but I guess meanwhile I can show that IÂ’ve started in the right direction, my main idea I got from NC is a

a) have her miss me and question her decision internally

b) get over my emotional insecurities that were heightened as a result of the breakup that are not conductive to reconciliation

 

 

It sounds like you are a nice person. You were there for her in the hospital & she appreciated your efforts. Use that as a foundation.

 

IÂ’m in a different state at the moment, only kept company over text and mailed a physical card next day + seamless, I probably did more this time than I have before when she was going through a tough time. I definitely feel like this has changed her tune which has me question breaking nc, using this as a foundation, but sheÂ’s not saying I miss you or anything directly or anything on the basis of she wants to get together, itÂ’s in between that fine line where I feel like questioning is NC or partial NC still the best course of action.

 

The idea that you see anything about getting back together as a trap is troubling. What are the problems with you as a person & in the relationship? If you specify those perhaps we can help you work through this.

 

Those are my insecurities speaking, as you can see IÂ’m trying to avoid any mistakes by tapping into a pool of individuals with different points of views. Prefer to take my time and win her back the most effective way than rush in and make mistakes. (Last time we met, I called a # afterwards that I found out it was a guy she was talking to but I thought it was her best girl friend and resulted in an argument between us) This was not situation I should have put myself in between us at this stage.

 

My personal problems that I feel ultimately led to the break up is, my time management, procrastination and general work life balance led me to be emotionally distant to her and my friends, and resulted in a boring and uninspiring relationship.

[d0nnivain]

Change is a lifetime process yes, but I guess meanwhile I can show that IÂ’ve started in the right direction, my main idea I got from NC is a

a) have her miss me and question her decision internally

b) get over my emotional insecurities that were heightened as a result of the breakup that are not conductive to reconciliation

 

 

My personal problems that I feel ultimately led to the break up is, my time management, procrastination and general work life balance led me to be emotionally distant to her and my friends, and resulted in a boring and uninspiring relationship.

 

 

You don't need time apart to learn to stop procrastinating & learn time management.

 

The idea that she will miss you if you are apart is manipulation not love. It will also backfire. Absence doesn't make the heart grow finder. Out of sight out of mind is what will happen. You are trying to give her the silent treatment which is wrong.

 

I don't know what your emotional insecurities are but you fix them in therapy not by playing head games with your SO.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

NC is about you taking the time to work on yourself. Whether you have contact with her or not does not impact her decision to come back or not. She has to want to come back on her own terms.

 

In my case I did NC after letting him know I wanted to reconcile and acknowledged my wrongs etc.

 

Then I did a lot of work to improve myself. He contacted me when he was ready and we worked to reconcile. This included him seeing that I had made efforts to change and improve myself. None of which would of happened if I had kept in contact. In our case we both changed and grew so it worked for a while. It did not last of course but that is another story.

 

After reconciling you have to have changed. Otherwise the person coming back will leave again bc the person is still the same. You see that a lot. The dumper coming back regrets bc things go back to the way they were before.

[Twizzlestick]

Remain in contact for a little at first but don’t dally about your intent - it’s moving forward together or nothing. If she hardens up on or is showing signs of wanting you as a friend. -Take yourself away.

 

There’s no use remaining in contact if you want reconcile but she’s taken that firmly off the table.

 

In that instance, she knows your number, is an adult who made a decision, and can contact you too if she regrets her choice and wants to explore moving forward.

[elaine567]

Trouble with all this "finding yourself" and "working on yourself" is that it is usually fairly meaningless in the face of days/weeks/months/years of bad memories. These memories will not be erased easily.

 

The slate was/is not clean, it was/is filled with sadness, upset, hurt, boredom, depression, anger, frustration and resentment until she finally decided enough was/is enough.

That is the problem with trying to redo a relationship, usually you have to get it right first time, second chances are rare and rarely work as all the old issues tend to reappear...

 

NC is a device to help YOU get over a relationship and move on, it is not a device to get your gf back.

 

She dumped you, you have to remember that people decide to initiate a split, basically because they want to date other people. The fact she is already talking to other guys is not a good sign, sorry to say...

[OatsAndHall]

NC isn't a tool for reconciliation or to work on yourself in the hopes of reconciliation; it's a tool for moving forward. If reconciliation is what you're looking for, then I suggest you make that clear to her and then take a step back and allow her to contact you. Pushing/pulling is manipulative and not a mature or proactive way to handle your situation.