Sorting out my feelings @_@

[Inflikted]

These past nine months have been a wonderful time for me, making the first two real friends I've ever had in my 30 years of life, a couple. I'm so unbelievably happy to have these two in my life, and to feel accepted by them in return. Never did I think I'd have friends like this. Heck, corny as it may be, I think I just might love them. Platonically, of course.

 

I love being around them. I love their dynamic, their ability to be playful with each other but also be partners that work through things together. They have the life I used to wish I could have. They have a home, they have pets, they have each other. It really is something, and it warms my heart to see, and I'm so happy for them and wish them all the best in the future.

 

But I feel a little annoyed with myself, because I can't help but feel a twinge of envy deep down. I don't like feeling that way about my friends, like that. It feels... wrong. I guess it just feels a touch bittersweet, to be living vicariously through people who have the life I used to dream of, to see it but not get to live it. And, I mean, they deserve it, they really do. But I suppose you just never really stop wondering about that "What if...?", do you? I just wish...

 

Eh, I really don't know what I "wish", to be honest. Why do feelings and emotions have to be so dang complex and confusing, heh? I'm happy, but I'm sad, but I'm still more happy than sad, but I feel somewhat... confused? I don't really get it, and it's kinda making my head spin. How the heck do I sort out all these thoughts and feelings?

[chillii]

l think it's pretty normal in your situation , deep down for others if they're honest about it to themselves anyway.

Way way back when, bit younger than you , l had a friend his life was like a dream, it was my dream .

A really special gorgeous little wifey , few acres and this cool little house, my dream property, the way they just got along , everything, then they had a baby , man, my life was down the toilet at the time.

l couldn't stand it so l stopped spending time with him tbh .

My theory was it was not only just hard even being around them , but it just wasn't good for me feeling like that , and it might even jinx my life and luck in the future.

So l stopped hanging round with them.

l dunno if it would , but to me it felt like it would, so l went with that.

Edited July 6, 2019 by chillii

[Foxhall]

well done on finding these two friends,

 

this will boost your confidence to go out mingling with people making more friends,

 

this is an important next step, building your own dreams, your own progression, not living a life of dreams without substance or living through other peoples dreams,

 

get out there now and join meetups or whatever ,

 

Also take a little time to write down what are your own hopes, what do you want to do, where do you want to go,

 

but dont become intimidated by these plans either, work slowly towards them.

[Inflikted]

this is an important next step, building your own dreams, your own progression, not living a life of dreams without substance or living through other peoples dreams

 

Also take a little time to write down what are your own hopes, what do you want to do, where do you want to go

 

To be honest, I feel like it was kind of a miracle that I even got this point, haha. I kinda feel like this is about as good as it gets, and that I'm incredibly fortunate to have what I have now. Wishing for more than this almost seems greedy. @_@

 

In any case, I don't even really know what "hopes" I have, or anything like that. I kind of let go of the hopes I used to have when I realized they no longer seemed very realistic. That's kind of the thing with "hopes and dreams", at least for me, is that I have to be able to reconcile what I "hope" for, versus what's actually realistic. And I really don't know what's "realistic" for me, beyond what I have now.

[alphamale]

How the heck do I sort out all these thoughts and feelings?

 

you "sort out" these feelings and thoughts as you get older and get more life experiences.

 

being a bit envious is normal...and your friends probably don't have such an idyllic life as you envision they do

[Inflikted]

being a bit envious is normal...and your friends probably don't have such an idyllic life as you envision they do

 

Of course, of course. I know nothing's ever "perfect", and I'm sure there's plenty of things they want that in life they don't have yet, but from where I'm standing, what they have is pretty sweet. They've had their problems, but they've always worked through them, and they seem to really love each other. They have a life together. That's so nice.

 

I dunno, it just makes me remember how badly I used to hope and dream for something like that when I was younger.

[alphamale]

I dunno, it just makes me remember how badly I used to hope and dream for something like that when I was younger.

 

you are still young

[Inflikted]

you are still young

 

Haha, I don't exactly feel very "young" anymore, though, lol.

[Cathy7]

I know, feelings and emotions can be very confusing. I feel that we all have this sort of mixed stuff going on in our heads in company of even the best friends. Try, perhaps, to treat your friends as a gift - we meet people for a reason and sometimes, yes, they are projection of what we may be too, if we work hard - be it in terms of personality, lifestyle, whatever. Sometimes they come into our lives to see the best versions of ourselves and become these versions, grow together with them. Also, I feel that they face their struggles too.. we would be surprise to realise what struggles people undergo, even though they seem perfectly ok and leading perfect lives. Finally, I would say, you are a gift in your life too - you can become absolutely whoever you want, regardless of age. We are here to grow and get better and wiser each day and we are able to mould ourselves. And it's such a fascinating journey and there is your best friend in the middle of this journey - and this best friend is you. Be good and loving to yourself

[Inflikted]

I know, feelings and emotions can be very confusing. I feel that we all have this sort of mixed stuff going on in our heads in company of even the best friends. Try, perhaps, to treat your friends as a gift

 

Yep, trust me, I'm forever grateful for being able to have these people in my life.

 

Also, I feel that they face their struggles too.. we would be surprise to realise what struggles people undergo, even though they seem perfectly ok and leading perfect lives.

 

Yeah, like I said, I know nothing is ever "perfect" for anyone, it's just heartwarming to see them be able to push through all their struggles while still being able to be a combination of partners, friends, and lovers.

 

I dunno, I'm mostly just annoyed for myself for allowing my love and appreciation for my friends to stir up memories of the life I used to dream about. That dream is the past, and I shouldn't be holding onto and obsessing over the past, I should be trying to figure out what's "realistic" for me. More likely, I should be appreciating the "now" because this is likely as good as it gets for me. This is pretty much "it". And there's a lot about it that's pretty great. It feels kind of... well, stupid, and "greedy", for me to be dreaming about more.

[Cathy7]

Dear Inflikted, believe me, the dream is the past only if you decide so. We are never ever too old for that. You seem to be 30 or in your 30s - in the modern world, this is just the beginning. Do not resign from the only chance and possibility of being on this planet and making these dreams come true. Is it a dream about family, career, holiday? It reminds me of my colleague who wouldn't dare to reach for his dream, always claiming its too late and stopping himself. He was talking as if everything passed him by. I think that he was governed by fears and I understood it. Then he tried and all his dream came true. Do not let conventions, fears and social expectations guide you. I wish you all the best resolutions!

[Inflikted]

Is it a dream about family, career, holiday?

 

I mostly just used to dream about having what my friends have now. A home, a loving partner, a cozy little social circle.

 

Dear Inflikted, believe me, the dream is the past only if you decide so. We are never ever too old for that. You seem to be 30 or in your 30s - in the modern world, this is just the beginning. Do not resign from the only chance and possibility of being on this planet and making these dreams come true.

 

It's not so much that I think it's "too late", at least not right now, it's more... Well, it's complicated, it's kind of a lot of things.

 

First and foremost, I feel like I made a lot of bad decisions in my youth that have stunted me and have set me back significantly. I buried myself so deep into a hole with bad decisions, and I feel like I'm going to have to spend years, maybe decades, trying to dig myself out of it, and by then, it WILL be "too late".

 

I decided not to force myself to pick a good, profitable career and buckle down and force myself to power through the education to learn said craft so that I could create a great life for myself in the future. I couldn't cut it in college, so I decided to go to a trade school I felt confident about at the time, only to complete it and realize it was nigh impossible to break into that industry. I decided to stay in low-paying bottom of the barrel jobs, because that's all that was available to me, and I needed to make ends meet.

 

I finally found a job I feel at peace about having, because I'm confident in my ability to perform it well. On the downside, it doesn't quite pay enough money for me to be able to fully support myself, and because it's relatively niche and there's not much potential for "moving up", there's not a ton of upward mobility. Perhaps in 3-4 years, after I've gotten a few raises, I'll be able to afford a cheap apartment, but I don't think I'll ever be able to own a home. So that's kind of out of the equation, period.

 

I have an idea of where I could see myself going, career-wise, but I still don't fully know how to get there, and it's going to come down to the right opportunities coming my way, and that's kind of a crap shoot... There's no guarantee those opportunities will ever come along, and thus, I can't rely on taking myself in that direction.

 

I couldn't even begin to think about dating until I'm financially secure and completely independent. I can't sell a girl on me, a 30 year old guy that still lives with his parents, that can't completely support himself financially. Maybe if I was the kind of guy with a ton of charisma I could pull that off, lol, but that's certainly not me. And heck, I totally respect that, and I'd be in full agreement if someone said I don't deserve to have someone in my life that way, in my current scenario. Getting financially secure and having independence is something I could easily see taking me 10+ years, if not longer.

 

And even once I've achieved that, we arrive at the issue that dating, in and of itself, is hard and extremely time-consuming. As it is, I'm already in rough position; I'm no longer at a place where I'm "meeting" people. And up until last year, I was a very reserved and introverted homebody that never had a single friend or a social life at all. I'm still generally very reserved, especially around newer people, but thanks to my wonderful friends, I finally have a fulfilling social life, though it usually just involves me hanging out with them at their place and some of their other friends (so, no real opportunity to meet new people).

 

Of all the women I've met and known over the years, I've never felt like I ever "connected" with any of them, romantically. Platonically, sure, I've been able to grow a bit warmer towards people over time. But "romantically", there's just never been anything there between me and someone else. And I'd say I've known enough women over my life that it should've happened at least once or twice. But I don't connect with anyone that way.

 

Something that also kind of bothers me, that I spend a lot of time thinking about is, I just... really can't even imagine someone for myself. Most people seem to have something they gravitate towards in people, some idea of what they want in a partner, some notion of what they find to be "attractive". And I don't. I really, truly, genuinely don't. I've thought so much about it, and I can't even come up with even a vague idea of the kind of person that would be a good match for me. No matter how hard I try, I just can't see it. And if I'm being honest? That scares me. Heck, it pains me to think about. I really do not believe there's someone out there for me.

 

Perhaps if I had made better decisions in my youth, things would be different. Better. But I buried myself into a deep hole that I'm going to have to spend the rest of my life trying to maybe crawl out of before I die. Now, as grim and dark as all of that may sound, I was fortunate enough to find a level of happiness with a decent job and some wonderful friends. And make no mistake, I feel good right now, better than I've ever felt in my entire life. But that dream I used to have, of having the life my friends have? That dream is dead. I killed it. I have no one to blame but myself, and my bad decisions. All I can do now is enjoy what I was fortunate enough to stumble into, and try to come up with a more realistic, attainable "dream".

[Cathy7]

Hey, I think that you shouldn't stop there! 30 is not an old age - you are very young, there is so much ahead. Going to trade school is a great opportunity to broaden your horizons, skills and perspectives. Why not to pick up something you like now? Then, I can't see anything wrong in living with your parents at the point of your life when you cannot fully make the ends meet yet - you are trying, working, doing something, heading towards independence - and this is an admirable quality. I think that if someone (a girl) would not appreciate you trying to get independent, then perhaps it is better not to date her anyway. Go for your dreams - each one starts with a single step and you have to take plenty, but it will lead you somewhere great. I would also say that you shouldn't think so much about how you will meet this special person or that you will never meet this person - it will happen on its own, as soon as you occupy yourself with your goals and engage, for instance, in new studies/pursuits. As soon as you define your goals, they will come true. Love comes usually so unexpectedly, when we are in the middle of everything! And this special person will come as well, when you least expect it. Perhaps she is not coming yet, as you are not ready - you are in this transformative stage of life. But all will be well. I hope so.

[preraph]

Just stay focused on being YOUR best self, not everyone else's, and don't ever vocalize that to them. It wouldn't be fair. You're making progress and should just be proud of that and I'm so happy you have a couple of friends. One of these days, maybe a new friend will need a roommate and it will help you afford a place. You never know.

[Cathy7]

Ps. the modern reality is sometimes very tough - it's not like in the past when you would be learning a trade and you had a secure job for a lifetime. There will be ups and downs and independence will often come later and at a price. These are the characteristics of this modern age. There is nothing shameful in being 30 and trying your best to become independent. If you sat at home and didn't lift a finger, than it would be a problem. Also look how many people met their spouses in their 30s. Never give up. All will end well.

[Cathy7]

I really like Preraph's comment about being YOURself and not someone who has to fit in everyone else's schema of life. I also feel we go through different stages in our own ways and times, and some of these stages are not for us, some others are just for us... it's a great thought!

 

Just stay focused on being YOUR best self, not everyone else's, and don't ever vocalize that to them. It wouldn't be fair. You're making progress and should just be proud of that and I'm so happy you have a couple of friends. One of these days, maybe a new friend will need a roommate and it will help you afford a place. You never know.

[Inflikted]

Heh, yeah, I suppose. I just don't like holding out hope on "maybe"s and "you never know"s. That led to too much disappointment and frustration and anguish in the past, and I'm trying hard to stay away from that.

 

As random as life can sometimes be, the way I see it in general is that you basically "live by the sword, die by the sword", so to speak. I didn't use my time to set myself up wisely, to get myself on track for the life I wanted. I have to live with the consequences of that, now.

[Cathy7]

Dear Inflikted, I think that life is always about dreams, hopes, "maybe's" and "I don't knows" -that's why, on the other hand, it is so fascinating and moving at times. Yet, hope and dreams are more than wishful thinking. Out of "maybe's" people created their fairy tales and successes. No one was sure to obtain anything or to meet this one person. Turn your "maybe" into a dream and it will come to you. 30 is just the beginning of all nowodays.

[Inflikted]

Dear Inflikted, I think that life is always about dreams, hopes, "maybe's" and "I don't knows" -that's why, on the other hand, it is so fascinating and moving at times. Yet, hope and dreams are more than wishful thinking. Out of "maybe's" people created their fairy tales and successes. No one was sure to obtain anything or to meet this one person. Turn your "maybe" into a dream and it will come to you. 30 is just the beginning of all nowodays.

 

Sure, sure.

 

I dunno, it's also frustrating to me because I constantly feel like I'm living 5-10 years behind everyone else around me. And I know, you shouldn't compare yourself to others. It just feels like I can never really get going and hit my stride, like I can never be "equals" with my peers. I can never really shake that feeling of "inferiority". Not that anyone makes me feel that way, it's admittedly in my own head. I just wish I wasn't constantly living in a state of trying to play "catch up". It's frustrating.

 

But, again, I did it to myself. So, it is what it is. And, like I said, with no barometer of what would make a good partner for me, there really can't be someone out there for me, anyway.

[preraph]

Heh, yeah, I suppose. I just don't like holding out hope on "maybe"s and "you never know"s. That led to too much disappointment and frustration and anguish in the past, and I'm trying hard to stay away from that.

 

As random as life can sometimes be, the way I see it in general is that you basically "live by the sword, die by the sword", so to speak. I didn't use my time to set myself up wisely, to get myself on track for the life I wanted. I have to live with the consequences of that, now.

 

That's true. No one has more control over your life than you do. So just keep that momentum going and keep your goals in front of you and work around obstacles as best you can to achieve them. Sometimes as we start to change and achieve, we find ourself on a new hill from which we can see even farther, and it changes how we've set out sights even higher, so don't feel you have to hang on if you find yourself moving on ahead.

[Inflikted]

That's true. No one has more control over your life than you do. So just keep that momentum going and keep your goals in front of you and work around obstacles as best you can to achieve them. Sometimes as we start to change and achieve, we find ourself on a new hill from which we can see even farther, and it changes how we've set out sights even higher, so don't feel you have to hang on if you find yourself moving on ahead.

 

Yeah, I just wish I could figure out what my realistic aspirations are. Sometimes it's tough to push forward when you don't really know where to aim yourself. I don't really know what kind of life I can realistically attain for myself, at this point. It's been kind of a head scratcher.

[Inflikted]

Then, I can't see anything wrong in living with your parents at the point of your life when you cannot fully make the ends meet yet - you are trying, working, doing something, heading towards independence - and this is an admirable quality. I think that if someone (a girl) would not appreciate you trying to get independent, then perhaps it is better not to date her anyway.

 

I don't think I'd ever feel right putting it on someone else to accept my situation that way, yanno? I just feel like it's too much to ask of someone. Whether or not I'm "making an effort", I don't imagine many women would be accepting of things being the way they are for me, and I wouldn't blame them for that. The effort matters, I guess, but the "results" kinda matter, too, and the results just aren't there for me.

 

Then again, when I have no sense of personal attraction whatsoever, I guess not much else matters. Is it weird that I have no sense of personal attraction? That I can't even form a vague idea of a good match for myself? It sure feels weird, and honestly, it makes me feel pretty uneasy inside...

[Cathy7]

Perhaps start from very small, minor changes in your daily life. the method of very small steps.

[Inflikted]

Perhaps start from very small, minor changes in your daily life. the method of very small steps.

 

Yeah, I've been trying to take things day by day, and I should probably try to push myself to get back on that. I notice whenever I hang with my friends, I get this huge boost of good feelings the day after, and I'm riding on a big high, and then I come crashing down and get hung up on how I wish I had what they had and feeling super gloomy that I don't get to have that. Ups and downs, I guess. I'm just sort of crashing after I had a great 4th of July with them, and I get to hang with them again this coming weekend.

 

But, yeah, I suppose I just have to really force myself to focus more on taking life one day at a time. I just kinda wish a new, more realistic "dream" would form in my head for me to look towards already, yanno?

[Cathy7]

I would start a journal or a diary. Also, dare to project your dream - your dreamlike profession or your dreamlike partner. Don't forget to make her real, though . Draw a picture of her, describe her, and keep living as if she were in your life. I know it sounds weird but why not to bring her to your life step by step in this way?