Author sadscorpio Posted July 8, 2019 Author Share Posted July 8, 2019 Have you told him that if he doesn't have sex with you you will have no other choice but to find it elsewhere? If so, what was his response. Not quite in that way, because it sounds like coercion or threatening to cheat, and it was bad enough the one time I was very demanding that we have sex (after about 18 months of zero sex); I broke down sobbing after, even though he said he never felt anything bad... I felt bad. I have told him, time and time again (literally over 150 times, stopped counting) that this is unsustainable for me, all the reasons why, that it will get to the point where his choice will be open or roommates (of course, he finally told me he will never, ever be ok with an open relationship), etc. His response for years was to deflect, delay ("I can't. There's a person in there. Just get that baby out of you & things will be fine." or "I'm just so tired with work/job hunting/this new job" or "It won't get that far" as in not 6 months, not a year, not 18 months, not two years, not three years, or "I just need some time to feel normal again; every time we have one of these conversations it takes weeks to feel normal again" - after which I said nothing for months, to no avail.) I have expressed my needs and talked til I am blue in the face. I've tried being naughty with him via text like we used to be. I've tried flat out offering selfless blow jobs to "help him relax" just to see what would happen, which got a polite smile or him pretending not to see the message. I've tried telling him, when he asked what I wanted for my big birthday last year, "I want guaranteed sex 3 times a week for a year," - No sex, not even on my birthday. He looked amused & kind of laughed & told me it was "endearing." The last time we had sex, after which I decided I actually didn't even want him anymore, he invited me into the shower during which time he took the opportunity to complain about my son leaving his hairbrush on the soap & similar transgressions for thirty minutes (I kid you not), as I laughed incredulously and responded with "oh, the horror!" There dude was, scrubbing my back, whining about utter nonsense. I've taken a lot of showers with dudes. Never in my life. The water ran cold, just as we were hugging, then he said, "That was nice. That was a nice first step." (He likes to act like we need to close some kind of imaginary gap despite knowing I am DTF whenever we have alone time, and yes, I've told him this over 1,000 times.) I said, "I didn't need steps. I just needed (ahem, explicit explicit) but instead you took the opportunity to complain about my son!" And then I started crying, and then he decided that was the time to initiate a one sided quickie (he was the only one who got anything out of it, a first for us). I was like, ok. That's it. That's the end. I haven't had desire for him since then & don't even feel bothered that it's been 3 months. It was very freeing, until he made it crystal clear he would never agree to an open relationship, and then I felt trapped and all those feelings all over again. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 8, 2019 Share Posted July 8, 2019 it was very freeing, until he made it crystal clear he would never agree to an open relationship, and then I felt trapped and all those feelings all over again. Why do you need his consent to pursue what's obviously a healthier sexual, emotional and logistical situation for yourself and you kids ? It doesn't sound like he sought your permission to sleep with your neighbor... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadscorpio Posted July 9, 2019 Author Share Posted July 9, 2019 Why do you need his consent to pursue what's obviously a healthier sexual, emotional and logistical situation for yourself and you kids ? It doesn't sound like he sought your permission to sleep with your neighbor... Mr. Lucky I only need his permission if we stay together, which perhaps I wasn't making clear. I haven't technically broken up with him because, while we are still living together, it keeps the peace to let things be at this point. Everything would be strained and weird if I made it official. He's happy as a clam being roommates with the label and security of being a couple. While we are still technically together, I won't be with anyone else. The plan is to move out as soon as a housing opportunity arises, or when my income is back up to where we can move out without one (I'm self employed & my income took a hit from pregnancy/postpartum/maternity leave/working part time with a toddler). It's looking like it will be around 12-24 months. If things could resolve and be either like they were between the two of us in the passion/romance department or if he would have some epiphany and be able to handle being open or if he would be cool being roommates, we could continue to cohabitate. I'm low on hope for those things. I "need his permission" because of my own moral compass; cheating is wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 I "need his permission" because of my own moral compass; cheating is wrong. I wasn't referring to his consent to cheat but rather for separating, though sounds like you've thought it through. I give you props for being rational in the face of an emotional issue, not an easy thing to do... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveFiend Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 some guys just dont have the sex drive others do, I have learned this by observing and talking to friends and family members. Ever since I was a teenager I get horny 2-3 times a day. I have sex with my wife 7 days a week, but I also see hookers and strippers on the side. I can get off at a club after work and just 2 hours later im horny again and make love to my wife. I honestly dont think how often a lover wants sex is related to if he is cheating, but is related more to his sex drive. Look at me I have sex with my wife 7 days a week but still see strippers and hookers every week. I think drive is more a genetic thing then what sign then what sign you are. Other males in my family have had same problem as me for years, 5 or more kids and married 25 or more years. Im same sign as you, but the worst in my family is a Leo, he has been seeing hookers for 25 or more years. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 OP, this is sensitive but how is your weight? Are you in shape? Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 Most men don't expect to become a father in their 50's so this threw him into shock, and the fact that he thought he was infertile threw him into further shock. That's bound to dull his libido a bit. That aside, this just all seems to be about you and your need for regular sex, and how you're willing to get it elsewhere if not from him. I you loved him as much as you say you do you wouldn't even entertain the idea of anyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadscorpio Posted July 10, 2019 Author Share Posted July 10, 2019 I wasn't referring to his consent to cheat but rather for separating, though sounds like you've thought it through. I give you props for being rational in the face of an emotional issue, not an easy thing to do... Mr. Lucky Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadscorpio Posted July 10, 2019 Author Share Posted July 10, 2019 Most men don't expect to become a father in their 50's so this threw him into shock, and the fact that he thought he was infertile threw him into further shock. That's bound to dull his libido a bit. That aside, this just all seems to be about you and your need for regular sex, and how you're willing to get it elsewhere if not from him. I you loved him as much as you say you do you wouldn't even entertain the idea of anyone else. Have you ever been rejected 1,134 times in a row by the love of your life? Ignored for months at a time any time you spoke because he was only capable of focusing on his own little world, despite the fact that you were responding and validating him every single day, listening and being a supportive, loving partner? Cheated on despite offering an open relationship as an option to make things work because your partner wanted sexual pleasure for himself but was too selfish to be honest so you could do the same? If it was all about me, I would have left 3 years ago. You're probably right about the shock of Parenthood. I hadn't considered that. It's different for me, as I became a mother at the turn of the century. I have always told him I was up for an open relationship, from shortly after we met. He said maybe for us to both see other women at some point in the future, then changed that to "never ever" - one of many misrepresentations. We were long distance, and I was faithful. He was lying, even then, flirting and sexting women online, playing flashing games with the neighbor, and there was even another romantic interest. I was 100 percent honest about who I am. I never lied, and I never cheated. I moved hundreds of miles to be with him away from all my friends and family. I gave up everything for him. Hell, I even had allergy shots twice a week for a year, in both arms, that gave me welts four inches across and caused me to need to be doped up on Benadryl half the time so I could live with his dogs. But yeah, it's all about me? I'm seeing judgment here solely based on the fact that I have high sexual needs and am open to polyamory, so if you're that puritanical, please do us both a favor and pass this one by. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadscorpio Posted July 10, 2019 Author Share Posted July 10, 2019 OP, this is sensitive but how is your weight? Are you in shape? I work out 7 days a week, eat an organic, whole foods diet and am the same size I was when we first met. How I look is completely irrelevant. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadscorpio Posted July 10, 2019 Author Share Posted July 10, 2019 some guys just dont have the sex drive others do, I have learned this by observing and talking to friends and family members. Ever since I was a teenager I get horny 2-3 times a day. I have sex with my wife 7 days a week, but I also see hookers and strippers on the side. I can get off at a club after work and just 2 hours later im horny again and make love to my wife. I honestly dont think how often a lover wants sex is related to if he is cheating, but is related more to his sex drive. Look at me I have sex with my wife 7 days a week but still see strippers and hookers every week. I think drive is more a genetic thing then what sign then what sign you are. Other males in my family have had same problem as me for years, 5 or more kids and married 25 or more years. Im same sign as you, but the worst in my family is a Leo, he has been seeing hookers for 25 or more years. Leos love attention. They can be hypersexual for that reason alone. I've mostly been with Leos. Is your wife cool with your pasttimes? If not, good grief, dude. Cheating is for cowards. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 I work out 7 days a week, eat an organic, whole foods diet and am the same size I was when we first met. How I look is completely irrelevant. Um, no it isn't. Looks matter for sexual attraction but that obviously is not the problem here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadscorpio Posted July 10, 2019 Author Share Posted July 10, 2019 Um, no it isn't. Looks matter for sexual attraction but that obviously is not the problem here. If you are in love with someone, no, looks don't actually matter. Not if you're me, anyway. Also, the neighbor is unattractive, ugly on the inside, plain on the outside*, apple shaped & smokes, something my boyfriend claims to hate. All of that didn't matter because she was convenient, they had fun banter, and it was "wrong." *Which is me being nice. People to whom I showed her photo said things like, "Is it even a woman?" and "She's a troll-faced b*tch." But, guess what? If she was a kind, lovely person who wasn't a lyin' cheater, she'd be beautiful to me. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 16, 2019 Share Posted July 16, 2019 *Which is me being nice. People to whom I showed her photo said things like, "Is it even a woman?" and "She's a troll-faced b*tch." But, guess what? If she was a kind, lovely person who wasn't a lyin' cheater, she'd be beautiful to me. Well it's too bad more people don't feel as you do. Most people are shallow and want to be physically and sexually attracted to their partner. A lot of couples are celibate for this very reason - no longer attracted. Link to post Share on other sites
BrennaR Posted July 25, 2019 Share Posted July 25, 2019 Madonna Whore complex? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 25, 2019 Share Posted July 25, 2019 Musicians meet a lot of women. Could be that he is getting sex elsewhere. I think you are right about the Madonna Whore Complex. Link to post Share on other sites
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