Roseassure Posted July 7, 2019 Share Posted July 7, 2019 Hi everyone, Recently I discovered my fiancé of one year had received a fully naked photo from an ex. He responded to her by saying she’s hot and after finding out she will be visiting our area said he’d take her to dinner. Over the next few days she sent other photos and he said he was excited by them. He then met up with her twice and the last text message to her was ‘let’s keep in touch and see where the cards fall’. This occured back in January and it is now July. I only found the messages now. They continued to text however nothing sexual... much more from her and platonic responses from him. Last message a week ago. I asked him about it and he said nothing sexual happened, she is an old ex Girlfriend that was visiting. He said he just got a thrill from the naked photo. He mentioned men behave like this and I am exaggerating. After talking about how it was disrespectful he apologised and said he didn’t want to break up. I told him that he should have valued me more than to have exchanged in those messages and that I am worth more than that. I said if I didn’t draw a line in the sand with this behaviour being a deal breaker that I would be letting myself down. He thinks I have overreacted and used it to break up with him as I was looking for a reason. I feel mostly I have done the right thing but question myself at times. I’m looking to seek others’ opinions on what they would do in the same situation? Thanks for any advice anyone has Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 7, 2019 Share Posted July 7, 2019 (edited) I asked him about it and he said nothing sexual happened, she is an old ex Girlfriend that was visiting. He said he just got a thrill from the naked photo. He mentioned men behave like this and I am exaggerating. After talking about how it was disrespectful he apologised and said he didn’t want to break up. Bull crap. No, decent men do not behave like this. Cheating men, yes. Men who aren't marriage material, yes. He got caught and is now backpedaling to try to make you feel bad for not being okay with what is essentially an affair. It got sexual the moment she sent him a naked photo of herself. He was trying to date her again right under your nose, OP. I don't believe for a moment nothing physical happened when they met. What you know is probably only a fraction of the truth; he is only admitting to what he can't reasonably deny in the face of evidence. You have no way of knowing what goes on when they meet and talk where you can't see or hear what's being said. I promise you it's not just platonic. I hope you kicked this clown to the curb, for good. Not only is he being unfaithful, he doesn't have any respect for you if he expects you to believe men do this and you are the one with the problem for making a big deal of out of it. It is absurd that you even need to explain to him that this is disrespectful. He knows it is, but was hoping you would just zip it and let him continue to have fun with her. This is why you would need to be very worried that he will do this again. He has no remorse. That's not the type of man you want to marry. He will put your heart through the blender over and over. I am curious what led you check his messages, though. Has he done this before, or did you otherwise sense something was off? Edited July 7, 2019 by ExpatInItaly 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Roseassure Posted July 7, 2019 Author Share Posted July 7, 2019 Thank you for your reply. It’s becoming more sad as the reality that my relationship is probably ending is sinking in. I looked through his phone I think to try to find a reason to end things or start a conversation about some issues I was feeling. We enjoyed each other’s company and I liked the companionship but wasn’t feeling the connection I thought I should. He gave me no reason to suspect this though.. the more I think about it I am quite shocked he responded to her that way. Maybe immaturity. I kind of don’t think there was anything physical.. she supposedly came on holiday with her Boyfriend. He had told me he was playing poker with friends from work that night. He later said it was with her and her Boyfriend and a group of friends. I would just like him to have been a man of class and integrity. It’s so sad. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 7, 2019 Share Posted July 7, 2019 I kind of don’t think there was anything physical.. she supposedly came on holiday with her Boyfriend. He had told me he was playing poker with friends from work that night. He later said it was with her and her Boyfriend and a group of friends. You would be very naive to believe him. This man is a liar, and will say whatever he thinks sounds right when busted. Of course he's going to tell you she came with her boyfriend. That doesn't make it true. She sent him a nude shot. That's a sign she wanted more. He liked it. There's the sign he wanted more, too. Let's be real, here: if they met alone (which they probably did, because why would she bring her boyfriend along to meet her ex?) they got it on. This man is not telling you anywhere near the full truth, but even if he was, his behavior is still beyond inappropriate and disrespectful. That lack of connection you were feeling? It's because he was already emotionally checking out of your relationship and exploring other options. I'm sorry you're going through this. It is better you found out now than after marrying him. He's not a good guy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 7, 2019 Share Posted July 7, 2019 First, full stop on all wedding planning. Get all the deposits back & cancel every scheduled date. If the invitations have gone out, make him do the work of calling every guest. If you are not ready to flat out break up, a great deal of pre marital counseling is in order. You need to realize he is not a "man of class [or] integrity." "All men" may look at other women & occasionally fantasize about them but good men do not accept naked pictures from other women while engaged, call those naked women "hot", take them out to dinner & see "where the chips fall." That is just wrong. If his EX sent the picture & your FI said something like "You still look great but I'm engaged to somebody else. You can't send more pictures like that" I'd tell you to simmer down. If she was in town & he introduced the two of you, again I'll be open to the idea that he was just being polite to an old friend. If her BF was actually there then there would be no reason you weren't included. Did her BF know about the naked pictures? What your FI did was sneaky & looks an awful lot like he was cheating. There is no proof but there is an awful lot of smoke & circumstantial evidence. How would he feel if the roles were reversed? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 7, 2019 Share Posted July 7, 2019 (edited) He's being a gross pig......sending him to the curb, was the best thing you could do. Guys are not knuckle draggers that don't know right from wrong, and can't control themselves. He knew what he was doing was wrong and didn't care. The sad part is that he down played it and didn't own it in an honest manner....you dodged a bullet. Edited July 7, 2019 by smackie9 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Logo Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 He’s flipping the script to make himself out to be the victim. You don’t want to be with someone who can’t bring himself to own up to his behavior. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 12, 2019 Share Posted July 12, 2019 He then met up with her twice and the last text message to her was ‘let’s keep in touch and see where the cards fall’. That was his invitation to her to enter into an emotional affair and she seems more than willing. He said he just got a thrill from the naked photo. He mentioned men behave like this and I am exaggerating. He thinks I have overreacted and used it to break up with him as I was looking for a reason. Ok, so he's saying that if you happened to receive naked photos from your ex, him being incandescent about it would be him exaggerating? Is he saying he'd be cool with you doing the exact same thing? I"m guessing that answer would be no, so why is he down with insulting your intelligence and lashing out like this? I’m looking to seek others’ opinions on what they would do in the same situation? I'd have broken up with him. I understand being mad that you don't want to talk, but a text saying that instead of being fine with letting you wonder and worry says a lot about how he really esteems you... almost bordering on contempt. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 12, 2019 Share Posted July 12, 2019 This is too easy. He disrespected you and then tried to gaslight you when caught and confronted. Nice. Pink slip his a**. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 Find someone else, he has been a real azzhat. Yes he cheated on you. Link to post Share on other sites
GoreSP Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 He’s flirting with his ex Behind your back Lying about it Gaslighting you when getting caught. Don’t marry this guy!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
heather97 Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 OMG, if my fiance ever did something like this I'd kick him to the curb so fast it would make his head spin. OP, why are you even THINKING about still marrying this creep? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 He mentioned men behave like this and I am exaggerating. my partner doesn’t behave like this. I think he knows if he does, he won’t be my partner anymore... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted August 2, 2019 Share Posted August 2, 2019 Your fiance is messy a.f. The fact of the matter remains: he's opened up a door to his intimacy to someone who has no business being there and nothing within himself stopped him from debasing your relationship. If you think this is the end of their communications with one another, you're a deluding yourself. He will now take it underground to make sure you never find out---but they're not done with each other. If he can get a thrill that fast off of an ex when he's got a present girlfriend, then your relationship is in real trouble. He's not devoted to you---he's half-a$$ing it. I'd put all wedding plans on ice for now... whether or not he wants to break up isn't your problem. When at the intersection of F-kery Road and Act Right Boulevard, he made a hard right up F-kery Road-==and he did it of his own volition and clearly had no problem operating with you in the dark about what he was doing. You want to be legally bound to that? I gather than you snooped his phone to find this all out---so outside of this incident you probably were half-expecting to find, something drove you to do that and you need to grind this show to a halt and figure out why you were driven to seek out this information. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RainbowPride Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 Hi everyone, Recently I discovered my fiancé of one year had received a fully naked photo from an ex. He responded to her by saying she’s hot and after finding out she will be visiting our area said he’d take her to dinner. Over the next few days she sent other photos and he said he was excited by them. He then met up with her twice and the last text message to her was ‘let’s keep in touch and see where the cards fall’. This occured back in January and it is now July. I only found the messages now. They continued to text however nothing sexual... much more from her and platonic responses from him. Last message a week ago. I asked him about it and he said nothing sexual happened, she is an old ex Girlfriend that was visiting. He said he just got a thrill from the naked photo. He mentioned men behave like this and I am exaggerating. After talking about how it was disrespectful he apologised and said he didn’t want to break up. I told him that he should have valued me more than to have exchanged in those messages and that I am worth more than that. I said if I didn’t draw a line in the sand with this behaviour being a deal breaker that I would be letting myself down. He thinks I have overreacted and used it to break up with him as I was looking for a reason. I feel mostly I have done the right thing but question myself at times. I’m looking to seek others’ opinions on what they would do in the same situation? Thanks for any advice anyone has Do you know if he has done this before? If not, then honestly, give him another chance. We are only human. We aren't perfect. We are going to mess up. Did he screw up? Yes, he did. He's a man! People deserve 2nd chances, honestly. I screwed up once, I got a 2nd chance. I actually did cheat. I regret it and still do to this day. My marriage lasted 6 more years after that happened. I never done it again after that. Think about it some more, and talk to him and if he apologizes, and he starts crying, then he is very sincere. Work it out Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 Being the "cheater" is easy. Say sorry, minimise, gaslight, rug sweep, all hunky dory, all forgotten... Being cheated on is a lot harder. It hurts like hell, it destroys trust in others, it ruins self esteem and is rarely if ever really forgotten... The person who is supposed to love you and have your back has betrayed you... few get over that easily. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sookie11 Posted September 7, 2019 Share Posted September 7, 2019 I agree with everything everybody else has said here. As somebody who experienced an almost identical situation, I just hope you have the strength I didn't. I longed to believe his lies so I wouldn't get hurt and kept in the relationship for a lot longer than I should have in a lot of denial. It is really tough. Any update OP? Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted September 7, 2019 Share Posted September 7, 2019 Do you know if he has done this before? If not, then honestly, give him another chance. We are only human. We aren't perfect. We are going to mess up. Did he screw up? Yes, he did. He's a man! People deserve 2nd chances, honestly. I screwed up once, I got a 2nd chance. I actually did cheat. I regret it and still do to this day. My marriage lasted 6 more years after that happened. I never done it again after that. Think about it some more, and talk to him and if he apologizes, and he starts crying, then he is very sincere. Work it out Folks, this is called being an apologist for an f-boi. Being a man has absolutely nothing to do with anything--women can be f--girls, too, and messy a.f. So your marriage dragged itself for 6 more years before the truth of your cheating rose up and strangled it. That's nothing to crow about. If he starts crying, he's manipulating you into not holding him accountable for his actions. This isn't messing up like mistaking salt for sugar in the cake batter recipe. This is undertaking a willfully deceitful line of action---and 2nd chances are not something to expect when you choose to put your selfishness above the esteem of the person you claim you love. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted September 7, 2019 Share Posted September 7, 2019 Just one more vote for dump him. If he has the opportunity he'll have sex with her or another tempting woman, if he hasn't already. Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 Bull crap. No, decent men do not behave like this. Cheating men, yes. Men who aren't marriage material, yes. He got caught and is now backpedaling to try to make you feel bad for not being okay with what is essentially an affair. It got sexual the moment she sent him a naked photo of herself. ... Exactly, and he should have shut down his ex then and there (even if politely) and not met her. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 (edited) Wow, he took HIS bad behavior and blamed you for having a boundary! Run! He’s not marriage material, he will always be reacting totemotaionsifyou marry him! Then he will blame YOU for saying it’s not right! That’s blatantly mean! RUN! Get away as soon as you can! He can go to his ex since he thought she was worth risking the future with you! I also doubt he met with her and her BF... cheaters lie all the time. IF it was so innocent he wouldn’t have had to hide it from you! Edited September 10, 2019 by S2B 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 Call it quits and show him the door. Since he's still in contact with her he's far from being worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
Tristian Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 OP's been gone 2 months. Pretty sure it's safe to call this one closed. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts