MM of 3 years disclosed our affair...

[Hope71]

Hi guys. Been involved with a married man for just over three years he lives in a different state but we talk every single day and FaceTime all the time . He has travel to see me I have travel to see him though not as much as I would’ve liked to . He has been married for 34 years I was married for more than 20 years and I’m currently separated from my husband but not because of this situation . I have not divorced because we do still have a house and property together and I am trying to unwind things still... so I do know why a 34 year marriage would take a while to uncouple .

 

He disclose our affairs or his wife A few weeks ago and initially she was devastated of course and he ended up ending it with me . I don’t think he expected the response he got from her and it really woke him up but within four days he said he wanted me back I of course told him he needs to tell her that he really wants to leave and for him to actually do it or it’s over and I meant it .

Two days ago he again disclose that he wants to leave because she told him she wants to go to counseling and he refused saying he wants to be with me and that he’s in love with me . I did not actually hear this conversation but I do believe he told her that because he’s been extremely stressed with this decision . He is still in the house but sleeping in a room upstairs . Obviously this cant go on forever but I believe disclosing the affair was a huge step but I do think him living in the same house currently is going to be harder to leave .

 

As for me I’m trying to continue my life as normal I have a job and a house and a dog that I am responsible for . I went to a barbecue yesterday which was a lot of fun and I’m just trying to stay busy and not focus so much on the outcome of this relationship because I do realize there was a strong possibility that he will not leave because he feel so guilty for hurting her . I’m trying to be understanding but to not get too involved in his decision and day-to-day life .

 

My question at this point is knowing that he has at least disclosed our affair and claims he wants to be with me how long is reasonable to wait after this ? We have a greed we need to see each other in person very soon . I know if he takes a trip here his wife will know what he’s doing and truthfully I just don’t want to keep lying anymore . I know a lot of affair partners don’t ever get to this point and this is unchartered territory for me .

 

I do realize this is an affair but I am hoping it will turn into something real . I am not a horrible mean person hell-bent on distracting someone’s life .

 

I do understand I could just tell him to call me when his divorce is final but that’s not really the advice I want I already realize I should do that .

 

Thank you for listening ....

[DKT3]

Any supposed conversations with him and his wife really should be no factor because you honestly have no idea what that dynamic is. For all you know she could be trying to force him to leave and he is refusing or begging to stay.

Edited July 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[notmyfinestmoment]

Hi Hope71 and welcome!

It sounds like you are pretty strong in how you are handling this. I don't know if there is necessarily a time frame anyone can give you. A lot of times, the MM that is in his situation can not move forward because of the pain they are causing the BS. Actions speak louder than words, so just pay attention to that. Also, be weary of him going back and forth wit this though.

[BaileyB]

Also, be weary of him going back and forth wit this though.

 

Exactly the basis for the sound advice to tell him to contact you with divorce papers in hand. But, that is not something you are prepared to do.

[stillafool]

If he has told his wife he's in love with you and wants you then he should move out of the house, at least, and not sleep in the guest room. You should be able to travel and stay with him at this point if it's really over.

[BaileyB]

He disclosed our affairs or his wife a few weeks ago and initially she was devastated of course and he ended up ending it with me. I don’t think he expected the response he got from her and it really woke him up.

 

This makes me really nervous OP. I can imagine that it felt pretty good to hear her say that she wanted to fight for the marriage. Pretty heady stuff, to have a woman want to fight for you.

 

 

Two days ago he again disclose that he wants to leave because she told him she wants to go to counseling and he refused saying he wants to be with me and that he’s in love with me . I did not actually hear this conversation.

 

If you did not hear the conversation, you have no idea what was actually said. If he has in fact told her that the marriage is over and he wants a divorce, there should be nothing stopping him from planning a trip...

Edited July 7, 2019 by BaileyB

[S2B]

I get the feeling she found out - and he is begging her to stay.

 

You only know what lies he’s telling you.

 

If you really want to know what happened - ask his wife.

[heartwhole2]

My question at this point is knowing that he has at least disclosed our affair and claims he wants to be with me how long is reasonable to wait after this ? We have a greed we need to see each other in person very soon . I know if he takes a trip here his wife will know what he’s doing and truthfully I just don’t want to keep lying anymore . I know a lot of affair partners don’t ever get to this point and this is unchartered territory for me .

 

I do realize this is an affair but I am hoping it will turn into something real . I am not a horrible mean person hell-bent on distracting someone’s life .

 

I do understand I could just tell him to call me when his divorce is final but that’s not really the advice I want I already realize I should do that .

 

Thank you for listening ....

 

Reasonable by what standard? To insure that he's not going back to the marriage? To not look indecent?

 

At this point you should be making sure that his words and his actions line up. If he's told her the marriage is over, why is he still living at home? You don't have any way to verify he's sleeping separately. He can hop in the guest bed, take a selfie, and then get in bed with her. You also don't know if she is under the impression that this is temporary. The only way to know that they're really separating is for them to really separate, and even then, so many MM go back, whether from family pressure or disillusionment or changing their minds.

 

The longer you wait, the more you protect yourself from hurt if it doesn't work out. If he's going to leave, then he's going to leave, right? If he's not, then how much more of the rollercoaster do you want to ride?

[BTDT2012]

I think he is keeping you on the hook in case things don't work out with his wife.

[S2B]

When they separate and/or divorce - you’ll know when the papers are filed with the courts - look it up on court records. They normally have a website you can confirm.

 

Anything less and it’s not real.

 

Also would be interesting to note if she files it or him.

 

IF he wants to separate/divorce he would be filing it.

 

But my gut says none of that is happening.

[isolatedgothic]

So many, many things here, and no condemnation from me. However, I do have observations.

 

He feels guilty for hurting her, so he stays. Does he feel guilty for using you for sex while he stays with his wife for convenience? If he says he feels guilty for you too, what is he doing to remedy this?

 

Neither one of you are divorced. There are complications that keep you married, but when you're married, you're not single. When you do become single, the picture changes drastically. Your married boyfriend will have newfound freedom that he has not had in 34 years. The pool is big for him. Being a single man surrounded by plenty of divorced women is all in his favor.

 

He gets to sleep [with you and her] his way out of his marriage, and then? He's free, and he will want his freedom to explore women who are not a part of or a reminder of his broken marriage, and his cheating on the wife who apparently loves him and is doing all she can to work things out [suggesting counseling is something that someone does when they want to stay together. Why she OR you wants him is beyond me. He's a liar and a cheater and probably a very smooth operator. Not much of a prize.]

 

I feel like you're a very sensitive, smart woman, and your instincts are screaming "danger" to you. Please listen to what your gut is telling you. Look this wife up. See her face. If she has social media, notice her posts, her pictures. Humanize her. She's a woman who has been cheated on - by you and her husband - for 3 years now. It's humbling, if nothing else.

 

As someone else said, if you want to know the truth, talk to the wife. If he's so open with her, so open that she would know you two are together and yet she STILL wants to hang on to him, then there should be no problem with having a sit down with her and clearing the air. The truth will indeed set you free. It might set her free, too. I don't feel like either one of you are getting the whole truth.

 

My guess is that he won't want you talking to her. He is hiding things from both of you.

 

Listen to your instincts. They're screaming at you to listen. Find a way to untangle yourself and let him figure out exactly what he wants to do. 4 days after telling his wife about the affair, and telling you he doesn't want you, then coming back and telling you he does? Very juvenile behavior. Very selfish. I hope you can find your way out, sweet friend, because I'd imagine you deserve so much more than this.

[Hope71]

Thank you to everyone who responded.

 

I already gave MM a timeline...a month to move out. I am not delusional enough to believe he will be divorced right away. All this has taken place within the last few weeks. I do believe he is being honest...and I do believe he is not the “cheating type”. Based on our friendship and just the kind of person he is. He’s not a “smooth operator”. We also have an age gap. He’s a few years a older than me...but not age inappropriate.

 

Whether or not we end up together, I plan on getting divorced.

 

We both already stated that it’s important for one of us to travel so we can discuss this in person. He has a house a few hour drive from where I live so it will likely be him. Hopefully that will happen soon.

We are scheduled to Ftime tonight so hopefully we can have a better discussion than we’ve been able to over the phone.

 

I will post updates as I can. Right now just trying to be reasonable ..and sane.

[S2B]

You do realize he’s exactly where he chooses to be right?

 

He ended it with you and stayed with his wife.

 

What more do you need to know? I’m uncertain why you don’t realize he ended things with you?

 

I’m also interested in what transpired during the FaceTime call - will he be with his wife when he calls? What could he possibly say that would make you wait around even on hour longer when he intends to stay married?

 

 

Whether you “think” he’s not the cheating type - his actions provide evidence he definitely is.

[Hope71]

Hi S2B....thank you for your response.

 

Are you a OW? Just curious....

[S2B]

Do you realize he ended things? Just need clarification...

[Hope71]

Do you realize he ended things? Just need clarification...

 

Actually we just made plans for him to visit me after next week. He’s flying down . ..

[Southwardbound]

Hi Hope,

It’s sounds like you’ve mentally detached yourself from your marriage & moved on - even though legally you haven’t followed through all the way. I get that there are always reasons for that. Even though his wife knows about you - since she wants to do Counseling that shows she hasn’t yet exited from her marriage with him. He would need to take some steps to show that the marriage has completely ended - like going to see a divorce lawyer, getting the paperwork all sorted for that. Which does take time to do. Ask him if he is doing those things! Ask him if he is looking for a new place to live. I wish you well - cause if you stick with him none of what he needs to do will be a quick process.

Edited July 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[Hope71]

Hi Hope,

It’s sounds like you’ve mentally detached yourself from your marriage & moved on - even though legally you haven’t followed through all the way. I get that there are always reasons for that. Even though his wife knows about you - since she wants to do Counseling that shows she hasn’t yet exited from her marriage with him. He would need to take some steps to show that the marriage has completely ended - like going to see a divorce lawyer, getting the paperwork all sorted for that. Which does take time to do. Ask him if he is doing those things! Ask him if he is looking for a new place to live. I wish you well - cause if you stick with him none of what he needs to do will be a quick process.

 

Thank you!

 

Ok...to answer..

She suggested counseling .he said no.

 

They have a grown daughter living in another state. He just found out the W told her about the affair without telling him first. He said she’s upset..

 

He is figuring out living arrangements now and is in contact with me consistently. Except for the initial “breakup”., he has been consistent with me.

[notmyfinestmoment]

Guard your heart during this process. Even if he is past the point of clearing the hurdle with his wife, there is also a lot of difficulty when it comes to telling family (i.e. his daughter is upset) and friends. Like Southwardbound said, it will not be a quick process and there will be a lot of bumps along the way that could catapult him back to where he was if he is not resolved in his decision (even though he may thoroughly believe he is).

Good luck and keep us posted!

[elaine567]

34 years married, little or no chance he will leave unless she kicks him out, and even then a reconciliation is probably on the cards at some point... He will ultimately do a cost benefit analysis and decide he has too much to lose...

Common story, MW divorces or separates, MM to follow, only he doesn't, he stalls, he procrastinates, he lies... all to maintain the status quo. He will leave only not quite yet... I see he has started with the upset daughter excuse... it will likely be one of many excuses why he has to stay...

Some guys just like having two women, they have no intention of really leaving.

 

Be careful, do not get too carried away.

Check out the LilKatKat thread.

[Hope71]

Thank you Elaine. I’m hopeful..but definitely aware of everything you mentioned. His daughter wasn’t an “excuse” he said he’d only learned two hours before that his W told her. He wanted to tell her himself. MM has a fairly high profile career..and yes has much to lose , and has even discussed it with me at length. He said he wants to be fair to her and give her what she wants....he’s not fighting her on that. So unless she drags it out...he’s willing to be fair.

Edited July 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[Hope71]

Guard your heart during this process. Even if he is past the point of clearing the hurdle with his wife, there is also a lot of difficulty when it comes to telling family (i.e. his daughter is upset) and friends. Like Southwardbound said, it will not be a quick process and there will be a lot of bumps along the way that could catapult him back to where he was if he is not resolved in his decision (even though he may thoroughly believe he is).

Good luck and keep us posted!

 

Thank you Dazey! Likewise....?

[BaileyB]

MM has a fairly high profile career..and yes has much to lose , and has even discussed it with me at length. He said he wants to be fair to her and give her what she wants....he’s not fighting her on that.

 

Is he prepared to buy her out of the home, give her half of their marital assets, half of their retirement fund, half of his stock options, etc... Not to be pessimistic here, but 34 years of marriage means big money. He could be paying her spousal support for the rest of his life.

 

He most definitely has a lot to loose - financially, relationships with family and friends, his relationship with his daughter, his personal and professional reputation... Not saying it can’t be done, I have seen it done. But not, without considerable personal and financial cost.

[Hope71]

We have discussed all of this....and he said it’s a lot to unravel but he will do it. He knows the risks...and I even told him I don’t WANT him to lose everything HE has worked for. His W has not worked outside the home since they married. I work full time. I don’t want him for his money. He is pretty well off.....but never have asked him for anything. He’s bought me gifts..flowers and always pays to fly me or for me to come visit him. I can’t disclose what he does for privacy reasons...but even with all of that he feels confident that we would be ok. He just asks me to not waver and stick by him. That being said..... I think sticking by him is reasonable as long as he actually moves out of the marital home and begins the process of leaving. It won’t be real until he does...and Ive told him this.

Edited July 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[PhoenixRising8]

Be careful, do not get too carried away.

Check out the LilKatKat thread.

 

i feel like the current poster child ...

 

There is a major difference between our situations. Mine told BS, kids and BFFs he wanted a divorce BUT he never acknowledged he had someone else. His concerns was the fallout for both of us going forward with friends and family. He was taken aback by BS's reaction. The kids weren't happy but were more understanding. The BFFs felt he needed to do what he could to repair the marriage. Slowly but surely I could see the external pressure sway him.

 

In this case MM has acknowledged the affair. His daughter is upset understandably. So it's both a reason and an excuse. The fact he acknowledged the affair could work for you or against. A lot will depend on whether BS still wants the marriage. If she does she will have plenty of support from friends and family making that happen. And the daughter will be a major influence. Their relationship will need to be repaired but that will happen much more easily if he stays than if he leaves. As for the financial stuff, yeah he may have thought about it but unless he's done a full accounting and has come to terms, he may get cold feet.

 

Good luck. I hope it works out better for you than it did me.