MM of 3 years disclosed our affair...

[Hope71]

The daughter’s response may well make or break the relationship. Be prepared, I don’t anticipate that she is going to welcome you into the family. Daughters tend to be very attuned to their mothers feelings and feel very betrayed by their fathers actions. Ask me how I know this...

 

I am anticipating this... I would never interfere with their relationship either or expect her to accept me. I was a stepmother to three girls ..I’m pretty well attuned to how they are as well.

Edited July 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[Inspire]

Yes. Agreed. I mean I don’t believe he’s had affairs before me. Yes I know...we all say that.

 

Ok, that's what I thought you meant. So I assume that's why you feel secure knowing even if a relationship does come out of this that he won't cheat on you too?

 

Not sure I'd have that same comfort level.

[BaileyB]

I am anticipating this... I would never interfere with their relationship either.

 

Except, you are interfering in their relationship by your very presence in the marriage these past three years.

 

But, I certainly appreciate what you are saying... You plan to give them space and not place any demands. That is all you can do. It’s possible, if they have a strong relationship and he handles the situation “well” that she may accept the changing circumstance with time... It’s hard to say, only time will tell.

 

My circumstance was different, my father didn’t technically “cheat” on my mother. I knew his new girlfriend, I knew she was a good person... Still, I hated her presence in my family for a very long time. And, I am not one to “hate.” But, I hated her. And, I hated what my father was doing to our family.

 

Having had that experience, I swore I would never do the same to another “child.” It has absolutely influenced the way my relationship has developed with my partner’s son. When a child loses respect for a parent, it changes the relationship forever.

Edited July 8, 2019 by BaileyB

[Zona]

I think a lot can be gleaned from research and the statistics that come from it. Just so you go into this, or continue down this road with realistic expectations, consider these facts. One of the foremost researchers (unfortunately passed away several years ago) in infidelity Dr. Shirley Glass, interviewed many hundreds and hundreds of people who had been involved in infidelity. She found that over 90% of married men had broke up with their AP's within 5 years, and of the remainder, less than 1% ended up marrying the AP.

Now there have been even some high profile relationships that began as affairs and ended in a seemingly happy marriage, Amy Grant and Leanne Rhymes for example. Definitely the exception to the rule.

 

And I agree with the others, you can't claim to have never interfered with MM's relationship with his kids when you have had a 3 year affair with their father.

[Hope71]

I think a lot can be gleaned from research and the statistics that come from it. Just so you go into this, or continue down this road with realistic expectations, consider these facts. One of the foremost researchers (unfortunately passed away several years ago) in infidelity Dr. Shirley Glass, interviewed many hundreds and hundreds of people who had been involved in infidelity. She found that over 90% of married men had broke up with their AP's within 5 years, and of the remainder, less than 1% ended up marrying the AP.

Now there have been even some high profile relationships that began as affairs and ended in a seemingly happy marriage, Amy Grant and Leanne Rhymes for example. Definitely the exception to the rule.

 

And I agree with the others, you can't claim to have never interfered with MM's relationship with his kids when you have had a 3 year affair with their father.

 

 

Yes. I am well aware of the statistics and believe me I mentioned them to him on a regular basis . I don’t live in La La Land . Also yes I have been involved with him for three years and believe it or not The majority of that was spent apart and not together . Sex is actually not the driving force in a extramarital affair . I am certainly accountable in this relationship and I am certainly half of the equation... but I am definitely not going to be vilified for it either . I have not mentioned all the scenarios where I tried to break up with him or tried to end it before I came to this forum . I can proudly say I’ve never held a gun to MM head and forced him to be with me. If he wanted to be free that door is always open.

[BaileyB]

Are you concerned about the fact that you are now potentially starting a relationship with a man when you have only ever been LD? That decision would require some caution, even for a relationship that didn’t start as an affair. Logistically, is one of you prepared to move? Would you consider “dating” and developing your relationship more typically before moving in together? One thing at a time, but what is your plan?

 

Respectfully, I would be terrified if a man left his wife and divided half his assets to follow his heart. That’s a lot of pressure on a person, and a new relationship. New relationships are always a risk, but I would feel so awful if it didn’t work out. The risk is so great, the cost is so high. No doubt, you will say “I tried to end it. If he ends his marriage it will be his decision...” But, his decision has clearly not been without an outside influence.

Edited July 8, 2019 by BaileyB

[Hope71]

@BaileyB

 

I have definitely been concerned about everything you mentioned. It’s always different when it’s “real life”..I’m certainly not implying it will be easy. I actually think it would be a bad idea to attempt living together right away..so that’s off the table until things have progressed. He hasn’t even moved out so I don’t want to put the cart before the horse.

 

As an aside...I realize this may never pan out. I know he may decide to stay etc....if he does, I will do what I need to do and let him go. I don’t want to drag this out any further...but sometimes it really is hard to see that when you’re in the middle. I read LilKitKats thread and my heart hurts for her because i know how badly she wanted MM to not be “that “ guy. We all want to be the exception, and not the rule...

[BaileyB]

@Hope

 

I can’t say that I support your decisions. But, I must say that I respect the fact that you appear to be fairly realistic, you have not “thrown yourself headfirst” into this relationship, and you have kept your life (which will serve you well, should the relationship end). Much admiration for that.

 

I do hope whatever happens, you find happiness.

[stillafool]

@BaileyB

 

I have definitely been concerned about everything you mentioned. It’s always different when it’s “real life”..I’m certainly not implying it will be easy. I actually think it would be a bad idea to attempt living together right away..so that’s off the table until things have progressed. He hasn’t even moved out so I don’t want to put the cart before the horse.

.

 

What we normally see here at LS is when the MM does move out he either shortly returns home or moves on to another woman but not the OW. When they are free they don't want reminders of their failure and bad behavior so they move on to someone fresh and new leaving OW in severe pain.

[Maddie82]

Thank you to everyone who responded.

 

I already gave MM a timeline...a month to move out. I am not delusional enough to believe he will be divorced right away. All this has taken place within the last few weeks. I do believe he is being honest...and I do believe he is not the “cheating type”. Based on our friendship and just the kind of person he is. He’s not a “smooth operator”. We also have an age gap. He’s a few years a older than me...but not age inappropriate.

 

Whether or not we end up together, I plan on getting divorced.

 

We both already stated that it’s important for one of us to travel so we can discuss this in person. He has a house a few hour drive from where I live so it will likely be him. Hopefully that will happen soon.

We are scheduled to Ftime tonight so hopefully we can have a better discussion than we’ve been able to over the phone.

 

I will post updates as I can. Right now just trying to be reasonable ..and sane.

 

You believe he is not the 'cheating type'? He IS the cheating type because he IS cheating. You have no proof that any of what he told you actually happened. He may just be telling you what you want to hear because you are issuing demands and timelines. He will always make excuses for why he hasn't moved out yet or why is divorce is taking so long. Bottom line is that he is very capable of lying through his teeth. He has lied to his wife for a long time. Married men who cheat cannot be trusted.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, do you have any proof he's actually told his wife?

 

This could be a story he's spinning you to buy time. You currently don't seem to have any way of confirming that his wife knows about this now, beyond his word. And well, you know his word means little.

 

Why? He is most definitely the cheating type if he's been having this affair with you. He is, in turn, the lying type, too. You know this. Don't be so quick to assume any of what he has told you recently is true. It would be naive to take him at his word.

[Starswillshine]

Yes. I am well aware of the statistics and believe me I mentioned them to him on a regular basis . I don’t live in La La Land . Also yes I have been involved with him for three years and believe it or not The majority of that was spent apart and not together . Sex is actually not the driving force in a extramarital affair . I am certainly accountable in this relationship and I am certainly half of the equation... but I am definitely not going to be vilified for it either . I have not mentioned all the scenarios where I tried to break up with him or tried to end it before I came to this forum . I can proudly say I’ve never held a gun to MM head and forced him to be with me. If he wanted to be free that door is always open.

 

Whether or not this was just sexual or mostly emotional with some sex sometimes does not take away from the fact that it was wrong. Does not matter that you "tried" to break it off with him. The idea that someone only tried to break up someone is laughable.

 

However, all that being said, he seems to have made more progress than most men. Whether he is completely lying or not, who knows. Whether he changes or not, who knows. He has been cheating on his wife for 3 years. That is pretty substantial.

 

Either way, good luck. In whatever this brings.

[Maddie82]

From what i see from all this is that OP has fooled herself into believing anything this man says. She believes he told his wife, yet he keeps stalling when it comes to leaving? Why? The hard part is done. There is no reason for him to stall which leads me to believe that he never actually told her. OP denies any responsibility for the break up of his marriage and family yet she is totally liable. If he really wanted to leave he would have done it by now. But he hasn't because he has no intention of leaving. He continues to throw excuses at her. Next he will claim his wife has become mentally unstable or abusive etc and he needs to stay for her safety.

[BaileyB]

What we normally see here at LS is when the MM does move out he either shortly returns home or moves on to another woman but not the OW. When they are free they don't want reminders of their failure and bad behavior so they move on to someone fresh and new leaving OW in severe pain.

 

I’m well aware of that. And yet, my friend found herself in the same situation with a man who had fallen out of love with his wife. The difference there - he divorced his wife shortly after he met my friend. Massive fall-out all around, but they are still together. So, I’m not going to say it doesn’t happen. If the marriage was truly dead, it may work. I’m seriously doubtful. And, not without a lot of pain and huge financial loss... I will say, I hold both my friend and her new “partner” at arms length because I have seen what they are capable of doing and don’t trust either one of them... I never thought they would stay together. But still, they are both nice people and they “untangled” as graciously as possible. Who am I to say that they don’t deserve to find some happiness. It has just been my experience.

 

I agree that the thought that OP “tried” to break it off is laughable. If one doesn’t want to have a relationship with another, there is nothing forcing that individual to stay. You are there OP because you want to be there. Just as, you are not willing to pause and let him sort out his marriage - ie. come back to you with divorce papers in hand. And yes, three years is a very long time to be in a secret affair. Three years is a very long time to deceive his wife and family.

Edited July 8, 2019 by BaileyB

[spiritedaway2003]

I will say, I hold both my friend and her new “partner” at arms length because I have seen what they are capable of doing and don’t trust either one of them... I never thought they would stay together. But still, they are both nice people and they “untangled” as graciously as possible. Who am I to say that they don’t deserve to find some happiness. It has just been my experience.

 

By the way, I just wanted to say that I love the honesty here. I think that's partly one of the reasons why I felt so alone in all of this and had to go to IC. I love my friends dearly. They are nice people but also morally righteous like me (until I screwed up). I know they would listen if I tell them my struggles, but I think they would also politely then keep me at an arms' length. Because in these kinds of situation, they might think I'm out to steal other people's husbands (even though it couldn't be further from the truth).

[Hope71]

Brief update:

 

I Ftimed MM this morning. He was at work in his office. He just came back from a weeklong vacation and was pretty tired he said he’s not sleeping very well . I’m not pulling any punches, and asked him what’s going on? I asked him if he feels like he should stay and work it out. He said he feels pressure to at least go to counseling with his W and agreed to one session. I didn’t freak out but I did tell him that I’m not going to be waiting in the wings for him. I told him I can’t compete with a 30 year marriage ...and if that’s what he needs..then to do it.

He says he knows his heart isn’t in it, but he feels like it’s the decent thing to do. I don’t disagree...but I told him...either you’re in or you’re out.

 

After reading the stories here the last two days, I went in a little:more informed, and less emotional. So thank God this forum is here,

[Hope71]

MM said he would call me while I’m driving to work. Part of me thinks I shouldn’t bother. I don’t know.

[BaileyB]

I think they would also politely then keep me at an arms' length. Because in these kinds of situation, they might think I'm out to steal other people's husbands (even though it couldn't be further from the truth).

 

To be clear, that’s most definitely not why I keep her at arms length (although I can appreciate that some people would). My friend is a very generous person, she would do anything for anyone. That’s part of why I love her. But, she is also unreliable, unpredictable, and impulsive. This decision demonstrated that and further confirmed for me that I could love her, and still not trust or rely on her for anything that I considered to be important.

 

As for her new partner, I did not trust him initially at all. I was very concerned for my friend, because I didn’t expect the relationship to last for many reasons. I was concerned for her husband and her children who I loved like family. But, this man has actually proven himself to be a loving and devoted partner to my friend over the years. He has actually earned my respect, although there is a little part of me that will never truly forget how this relationship began...

Edited July 8, 2019 by BaileyB

[Starswillshine]

By the way, I just wanted to say that I love the honesty here. I think that's partly one of the reasons why I felt so alone in all of this and had to go to IC. I love my friends dearly. They are nice people but also morally righteous like me (until I screwed up). I know they would listen if I tell them my struggles, but I think they would also politely then keep me at an arms' length. Because in these kinds of situation, they might think I'm out to steal other people's husbands (even though it couldn't be further from the truth).

I think that is an overly simplistic way to think about things.

 

I wont associate with men who cheat. I'm surely not worried about them stealing my man.

[pepperbird]

OP,

 

There is something fishy about the mm, and it;s right under your nose.

 

You trust him waaaayyyyyy too much, even though he is showing you, with a great deal of consistency, that he is one hell of an accomplished liar. He is also able to compartmentalize to a high degree, and that doesn't bode well for you.

 

I understand the temptation to excuse his lies to his bs, and also to look the other way about how he is treating her, but it's really important that you face these head on. He is showing you what he is capable of doing to get what he wants, and unless you buy into the idea that she is somehow controlling his actions, then, as hard as it may be, you have to come to terms with this facet of his personality. He can and will lie and manipulate to get what he wants/feels entitled to having.

 

If you do decide to stay with this guy for the long haul, I would gently suggest to you that you make him getting some counseling a non negotiable. That way, you can better protect yourself and he can understand why he made the choices he did so he can learn to make better ones going forward.

[Hope71]

@Pepperbird...thank you.

 

I’m already disengaging. The minute he said he’s going to counseling, my guard went up. I’m not going to be a prop to better his M after hearing his ILYs for three years. Yep....I think it’s time to go into NC now rather than later when he decides to say he needs to stay....blah blah blah. I’m already sick. ?

[Starswillshine]

@Pepperbird...thank you.

 

I’m already disengaging. The minute he said he’s going to counseling, my guard went up. I’m not going to be a prop to better his M after hearing his ILYs for three years. Yep....I think it’s time to go into NC now rather than later when he decides to say he needs to stay....blah blah blah. I’m already sick. ?

 

Dont have much more advice, but hugs to you. I hope whatever outcome, you can grow from the experience. Either with him or without him. But especially if without him, you are able to grow tall.

[BaileyB]

It’s hard, I’m sure he has seen the pain in his wife’s face, heard the hurt in his daughter’s voice. Not many men are able to walk away from a long marriage and hurt their wives and children in this way. This decision, whatever he decides, will change the course of his life and those he loves - forever. I’d be loosing sleep too...

 

To be fair, her request is not unreasonable. While there are some that would kick his cheating behind to the curb, it’s not unreasonable for his wife to expect her husband of 34 years to go to counselling before throwing the life they have built together over all these years away...

 

I too wish you well. This is hard. For everyone.

[notmyfinestmoment]

I'm sorry Hope71 . This is not an easy situation to navigate for anyone (you, him, and his family).

 

I would have to think that most wives would want to work things out, with or without the knowledge of the A. I agree with BaileyB that once the MM see the hurt they are causing, it is very hard for them to follow through on leaving. You exited gracefully and you sound more resolved than a lot of us that are in this situation. If he is like many of the MM that are discussed on this forum, he will continue to contact you because he is conflicted. He loves you, wants to be with you, but can not leave his marriage. NC is best, but is really difficult to execute.

 

Keep posting...we are here for you.

[Hope71]

Thank you Bailey...I agree . I want him to make a decision...not just a decision for me, but everyone. I’ve been in his life more than three years every day. I don’t expect that to trump his marriage, but to believe I’m that disposable is pretty hard to take. I guess maybe I am. He said he wants to be with me...and I believe him..but I am not convinced he wants me more than he wants to stay.

 

I’m going to try to stay in NC ...so I might need extra support ...