Author Hope71 Posted July 8, 2019 Author Share Posted July 8, 2019 @Pepperbird...thank you. I’m already disengaging. The minute he said he’s going to counseling, my guard went up. I’m not going to be a prop to better his M after hearing his ILYs for three years. Yep....I think it’s time to go into NC now rather than later when he decides to say he needs to stay....blah blah blah. I’m already sick. ? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted July 8, 2019 Share Posted July 8, 2019 @Pepperbird...thank you. I’m already disengaging. The minute he said he’s going to counseling, my guard went up. I’m not going to be a prop to better his M after hearing his ILYs for three years. Yep....I think it’s time to go into NC now rather than later when he decides to say he needs to stay....blah blah blah. I’m already sick. ? Dont have much more advice, but hugs to you. I hope whatever outcome, you can grow from the experience. Either with him or without him. But especially if without him, you are able to grow tall. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 8, 2019 Share Posted July 8, 2019 It’s hard, I’m sure he has seen the pain in his wife’s face, heard the hurt in his daughter’s voice. Not many men are able to walk away from a long marriage and hurt their wives and children in this way. This decision, whatever he decides, will change the course of his life and those he loves - forever. I’d be loosing sleep too... To be fair, her request is not unreasonable. While there are some that would kick his cheating behind to the curb, it’s not unreasonable for his wife to expect her husband of 34 years to go to counselling before throwing the life they have built together over all these years away... I too wish you well. This is hard. For everyone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notmyfinestmoment Posted July 8, 2019 Share Posted July 8, 2019 I'm sorry Hope71 . This is not an easy situation to navigate for anyone (you, him, and his family). I would have to think that most wives would want to work things out, with or without the knowledge of the A. I agree with BaileyB that once the MM see the hurt they are causing, it is very hard for them to follow through on leaving. You exited gracefully and you sound more resolved than a lot of us that are in this situation. If he is like many of the MM that are discussed on this forum, he will continue to contact you because he is conflicted. He loves you, wants to be with you, but can not leave his marriage. NC is best, but is really difficult to execute. Keep posting...we are here for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 8, 2019 Author Share Posted July 8, 2019 Thank you Bailey...I agree . I want him to make a decision...not just a decision for me, but everyone. I’ve been in his life more than three years every day. I don’t expect that to trump his marriage, but to believe I’m that disposable is pretty hard to take. I guess maybe I am. He said he wants to be with me...and I believe him..but I am not convinced he wants me more than he wants to stay. I’m going to try to stay in NC ...so I might need extra support ... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 8, 2019 Author Share Posted July 8, 2019 @Dazey...thank you. I’m more resolved mainly because I’ve been reading these boards recently. Had I not, I may have melted down. Maybe at the very least I can help someone else. That’s my hope... Thank you everyone ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamwalker17 Posted July 8, 2019 Share Posted July 8, 2019 @Dazey...thank you. I’m more resolved mainly because I’ve been reading these boards recently. Had I not, I may have melted down. Maybe at the very least I can help someone else. That’s my hope... Thank you everyone ? His agreement to counseling is a bad sign for your relationship, unfortunately. The best for you is to stay away and let him sort his life out without your influence. Best wishes xo Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted July 8, 2019 Share Posted July 8, 2019 Thank you Bailey...I agree . I want him to make a decision...not just a decision for me, but everyone. I’ve been in his life more than three years every day. I don’t expect that to trump his marriage, but to believe I’m that disposable is pretty hard to take. I guess maybe I am. He said he wants to be with me...and I believe him..but I am not convinced he wants me more than he wants to stay. I’m going to try to stay in NC ...so I might need extra support ... He's made his decision. He's staying with his wife and going to counselling. He's not leaving her. He will always give you bs excuses to why he stays with her. Like I said in another comment, he will likely give the excuse at some point that he is worried for her safety, she's mentally unstable etc, go permenantly NC and leave it at that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted July 8, 2019 Share Posted July 8, 2019 @Pepperbird...thank you. I’m already disengaging. The minute he said he’s going to counseling, my guard went up. I’m not going to be a prop to better his M after hearing his ILYs for three years. Yep....I think it’s time to go into NC now rather than later when he decides to say he needs to stay....blah blah blah. I’m already sick. Disengaging is a good plan. It took me months and even then, it was difficult when we broke up end of February. When he came back a month later, crying telling me he can't see his life without me, I melted and caved. Big mistake because 6 weeks later, we broke up again. The last 2 months have been difficult. I feel like he came back because he knew he could. And don't kid yourself .. you've been propping up his marriage for 3 years already. You've made it easier to stay because whenever he got angry, frustrated, felt neglected, hurt, whatever, you were there for the ego strokes and validation. My xMM used to talk about all the things that made him angry and frustrated first half of our A. Then after he told her he was leaving (and didn't), she stopped neglecting him and even looked the other way when she had a pretty good idea he was stepping out. He didn't hate her and I'm betting her attention and accommodation in letting him have his mid-life crisis reawakened at least some of the love he once had for her. End result - hello BS, goodbye LKK. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notmyfinestmoment Posted July 8, 2019 Share Posted July 8, 2019 Try not to think of yourself as disposable, because that isn't it. Eventually with A's (and believe me, I am trying to remember this myself), a decision will have to be made. Making that decision gets put off until a D-Day or until an OW breaking point (or maybe less frequently the guilt gets to the MP). When that time comes, it is very hard to walk away unless they are miserable in their marriages, which most of the time, they aren't. Many different pieces come into play (family, friends, jobs, etc). I am proud of you that you had the gumption to ask him what is going on (I always had a hard time with that until more recently where I am like lets rip off the band aid). I hope you have an easy transition with this, but I don't think 3 years is going to be easy to shake-off for either of you. Like everyone said, he took it farther than most, so he must have thought he could move forward with you. If you are like most of us on here, the struggle is just beginning. Again, we are here for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted July 8, 2019 Share Posted July 8, 2019 As an aside...I realize this may never pan out. I know he may decide to stay etc....if he does, I will do what I need to do and let him go. I don’t want to drag this out any further...but sometimes it really is hard to see that when you’re in the middle. I read LilKitKats thread and my heart hurts for her because i know how badly she wanted MM to not be “that “ guy. We all want to be the exception, and not the rule... Yes, I am the current poster child ... Listen to Natalie Imbruglia's "Torn". It's been my theme song the last 2 months. "The illusion never changed into something real" and he really isn't the man that I adored (first 6 months). Despite my working on disengaging from him for months and reminding myself of all the negative aspects of his character, the experience has left me torn, jaded and full of regret. I really don't know how I will ever trust another man again. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 8, 2019 Share Posted July 8, 2019 I really don't know how I will ever trust another man again. Ah, I hate to hear you say that Kat. There are good men out there... Very kindly, next time you need to be more selective in whom you place your trust... A married man on AM was never a good choice. Give it time. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 8, 2019 Share Posted July 8, 2019 I doubt he told her anything. It’s likely his way of attempting to end things with you. Block him in every way, that way you can heal. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 8, 2019 Share Posted July 8, 2019 I really don't know how I will ever trust another man again. But you put your whole trust in the wrong man, a man with a wife a man looking for an affair... Surely you would not go looking on AM for a man again? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted July 8, 2019 Share Posted July 8, 2019 Ah, I hate to hear you say that Kat. There are good men out there... Very kindly, next time you need to be more selective in whom you place your trust... A married man on AM was never a good choice. Give it time. There may be good men out there, finding them is a different matter ... There seems to be a lack of men in their 50's who really take care of them selves and are unattached. It may sound shallow but appearance is the first thing we notice. They guys who are half decent looking and take care of themselves want younger women. As for where I found xMM, well I wasn't actually looking for a new permanent partnership when it started out. It was an FU to xH and the marriage, a distraction. All of that changed within 3 months, but xMM was the one who started that. Obviously I agreed. And here we are ... Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted July 8, 2019 Share Posted July 8, 2019 I’m already disengaging. The minute he said he’s going to counseling, my guard went up. I’m not going to be a prop to better his M after hearing his ILYs for three years. Yep....I think it’s time to go into NC now rather than later when he decides to say he needs to stay....blah blah blah. I’m already sick. ? I am a "reformed" BS who used to read these threads about the OW and get frustrated at watching them claim they are not home wreckers, they do not have culpability in the situation, his wife does not understand/deserve him, yada, yada, yada. I had no sympathy for the OW. After my own IC to recover from my cheating husband, and then the subsequent abusive relationship into which I quickly jumped after divorcing my husband, I view things very differently, now. I am still suspicious by nature, and I do question what (if anything) he has really told his wife. I hope you do not spend the next months, years, etc., on a roller coaster waiting for him to make a decision, or watching him come up with lame excuse after lame excuse why he cannot leave his wife, now. I cannot imagine the physical, mental, and emotional toll it takes on a woman waiting for the MM to leave his wife for her, especially if he winds up dropping her after he has used her to get out of his marriage, but there are plenty of stories out here that tell exactly that tale. I like your current attitude about it. Keep that self-preservation intact. Go NC with him. There is someone else out there who is much more worthy of your affection and undivided attention. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 8, 2019 Share Posted July 8, 2019 If you weren’t standing right there when he supposedly told her - you can assume he told her nothing. It’s just another lie so he can break it off with you. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 8, 2019 Share Posted July 8, 2019 This man is not leaving his wife. Whether or not he actually told her anything about the affair is impossible to say, but what is clear is that you relationship with him is coming to end, OP. He's not going anywhere. Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted July 8, 2019 Share Posted July 8, 2019 It's hard to imagine a wife in pieces and a cheating husband adamantly refusing to go to counseling with her. I suspect he agreed immediately to counseling. Telling you he didn't agree and then admitting he agreed to "just one" session are his ways of avoiding conflict. This man has a lot of work on himself to become an adult who can own his decisions and treat the people in his life with the respect they deserve. Meanwhile, you can only work on yourself, so put your attention there. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 8, 2019 Share Posted July 8, 2019 He just came back from a weeklong vacation Where had he spent his vacation? Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted July 8, 2019 Share Posted July 8, 2019 Brief update: I Ftimed MM this morning. He was at work in his office. He just came back from a weeklong vacation and was pretty tired he said he’s not sleeping very well . I’m not pulling any punches, and asked him what’s going on? I asked him if he feels like he should stay and work it out. He said he feels pressure to at least go to counseling with his W and agreed to one session. I didn’t freak out but I did tell him that I’m not going to be waiting in the wings for him. I told him I can’t compete with a 30 year marriage ...and if that’s what he needs..then to do it. He says he knows his heart isn’t in it, but he feels like it’s the decent thing to do. I don’t disagree...but I told him...either you’re in or you’re out. After reading the stories here the last two days, I went in a little:more informed, and less emotional. So thank God this forum is here, God this sounds sooo familiar. I don't know how many times I told my xMM I couldn't compete with 30+ years and kids. And that I wouldn't wait forever. And how many times, right to the end (when he left my house telling me he loved me more then practically ghosting me) he said that his marriage was loveless and lifeless and his heart isn't in it to even try. That we were worth fighting for. Yeah, right! You say he was just back from vacation. Did he go alone or with BS after having confessed he wanted to leave her? Link to post Share on other sites
SpiceCat Posted July 8, 2019 Share Posted July 8, 2019 Yes, I am the current poster child ... Listen to Natalie Imbruglia's "Torn". It's been my theme song the last 2 months. "The illusion never changed into something real" and he really isn't the man that I adored (first 6 months). Despite my working on disengaging from him for months and reminding myself of all the negative aspects of his character, the experience has left me torn, jaded and full of regret. I really don't know how I will ever trust another man again. I thought this too Kat - particularly considering how my affair came about. But a little over 3 years out of it, my daughter and I are happily living with my (SINGLE OTHER THAN ME) boyfriend and talking marriage and adoption. It does get better if you work at it! This goes for you too Hope. I hope (pun intended) you find your way out of the fog and make a better choice for your next relationship. I have faith in you! Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 8, 2019 Share Posted July 8, 2019 Are you doing ok Hope? Did you talk to him again today? No doubt, this day hasn’t gone the way you thought it would this morning... Let us know how you are doing when you can... Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 8, 2019 Share Posted July 8, 2019 We can assume he’s at least 54 years old. How old are you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 9, 2019 Author Share Posted July 9, 2019 Today was long. I had to work..after telling him this morning if he was going to counseling ...I was NOt waiting on the sidelines for him to work on his marriage. Not a word...call or text from him. That’s fine. Got it. Loud and clear. And please STOP posting that he’s “not leaving his marriage”...,I get it!!! How about a little support?? The good news is he didn’t hear from me either!! Today I cried. Tomorrow I’m leaving his sorry ass behind. Too much to live for and be happy about. I loved him but he’s the one who has to go through the motions. I am FREE.....thank GOD!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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