MM of 3 years disclosed our affair...

[Hope71]

He called me four times today and I did not answer.

[HowToQuit]

Yes... Florida here!

 

Any chance I can join?

[aliveagain]

Please ignore my post if I misread your status. Have you told your husband about the affair, have you filed for divorce? This is the best time to clean your life up, Mr. Right is just around the corner. Being married or someone's fall back option is a lot of baggage to take into any new relationship, it just screams that your not available. Most available men(the ones that are absolutely US Prime Grade AAA) won't get involved with a woman with that kind of baggage. Most of the kind of men you want to attract won't get involved with women just going through a divorce. They want women that have less complicated lives, they want women that have had a chance to be on their own for a while and have their s--t together.

 

I have a friend who learned the hard way. She got involved with a man that was just going through a divorce after his 15 year marriage fell apart. She spent the last 5 years trying to make their relationship work(they have been living together for the last 2 years) but they are now splitting up. He never got a chance to be single and doesn't want to marry her at this time because he thinks he's missing too much and will regret not taking the time to get crazy with other women. It was like a switch got turned, he wants out. She just turned 43, has a thirteen year old daughter from a previous relationship and was single 7 years before she met him. She is totally devastated. She fell in love with a man that wasn't ready to be in a new relationship.

 

You need to clean out the s--t in your life that makes you unavailable to Mr. Right. Do not start a new relationship with secrets and start respecting boundaries again. A little independent counselling might help you be the best you that you can be. Anyone coming into your life will want to know your safe.

[Hope71]

Just an update: I’ve been staying pretty busy. MM is contacting me but I’m very short and businesslike with him. He was on a trip over the weekend, supposedly a golfing trip. He called me while he was there also but I was working, so not much contact. He’s still saying he wants to be with me....blah blah blah...and he knows it’s all b.s. to me anyway. Saying a 34 year marriage is hard to unravel, etc....I never ever asked him to leave his marriage. It’s always him promising. So he knows that unless he makes a clean break, there’s zero chance for any “ relationship with me. So basically....same ol same ol.....lol.

 

Hope everyone is doing well...

[S2B]

That’s good that you’re able to stick to business only.

 

I wouldn’t talk anything personal at all unless he brought me proof - finalized divorce papers.

 

Once he knows you aren’t in his corner any longer - expect him to drum up several attion seeking scenarios/emergencies to get you to pay attention to him.

 

Don’t fall for his games. Just be ready for some emergencies knowing it’s to check if you still care.

[Hope71]

Update....

 

Soooo development since last post. After MM and I talked earlier today he called a few hours later....I was leaving a meeting. When I answered he said”I’m out”. I said out of what?? Lol...he said the house. I said “ you left the house to call me.” He said...”no I LEFT. I’m going to a hotel!!”....he then told me after we talked he went home and his W confronted him about still calling me. He didn’t deny it, and said he told her he couldn’t not talk to me. I guess it escalated and she threatened him that their daughter would not talk to him...or “that woman”. He said then he decided to leave. Before anyone says it...no I cannot confirm any of this actually happened. It’s his account. Yes I also realize he can still return home..I certainly don’t expect him to move out tomorrow.

 

I guess we will see..

[S2B]

Do not go to the hotel!

 

And don’t be alone with him until the divorce is final!!!

[Beentheretoooften]

Omg. First real development since I’ve been on LS. Can’t wait to see how it shakes out.

[Hope71]

Do not go to the hotel!

 

And don’t be alone with him until the divorce is final!!!

 

I’m in another state. Lol highly unlikely.

[Hope71]

Spoke to mm at length. He’s going to Ftime me tonite. Something he would not do if he was home. He said his best friend called him and he declined the call....likely a mutual friend of his and W. I know he’s going through hell right now...because of me and it makes me feel horrible...,but he said it’s what has to happen....

[Starswillshine]

Just be really careful. Extremely.

 

And yes, no doubt it went much differently than what he explained, but sounds like something for sure happened.

[S2B]

Spoke to mm at length. He’s going to Ftime me tonite. Something he would not do if he was home. He said his best friend called him and he declined the call....likely a mutual friend of his and W. I know he’s going through hell right now...because of me and it makes me feel horrible...,but he said it’s what has to happen....

 

Why are you so anxious to keep in touch with him right now?

 

He WILL divorce her if he intends too.

 

Bringing you into the triangle again is just awful... what - he has to make sure you’re waiting for him so that he divorces?

 

A man who can’t be alone for even one single day isn’t healthy! Keeping in touch with him now ensures you will have to go through all his crap right along side of him. Just stay away - you will keep your sanity that way.

 

Just tell him not to call you until his divorce is final!

Edited July 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Hope71]

We ftimed. He is definitely in a hotel. He works in broadcasting so he will have to go home because he has a studio he uses for work. He also asked me to request a week off work before Labor Day so we can go away. Not sure I will get it.. but I will put in the request. So.....today has been crazy for sure!!! Lol

[Abetterme]

Hope - I know that’s exactly what you’re riding on right now....HOPE and it is excruciating to watch.

 

I would strongly encourage you to refrain from planning a trip with him until a divorce is final. Saying he’s “out” is actually no progress, even though it might seem so now. I am not saying he doesn’t care about you, but he will continue this dance as long as you allow it. Protect yourself from future disappointment and hurt and stick to your imposed deadline of filing for divorce within the month. A night in a hotel is nothing. You end many of your sentences with lol....I feel that you know what a bunch of crap this is and that’s how you’re trying to keep yourself at a distance. I worry for you and have been through so many disappointments on a much smaller scale knowing I had no intentions of actually being with my xMM. It was so damaging. Please take care of yourself. Thinking of you.

[PhoenixRising8]

I have to agree with abetterme. One night in a hotel means one night in a hotel. He might leave for good but he might not. Hope is a dangerous thing for you well being.

[mark clemson]

MANY marriages have survived a few nights "in the doghouse". So many so that it's a cliche. Not saying that his will or that going somewhere with you for a week is unlikely to have an impact, but you would be wise to keep in mind that this isn't over until the dust settles.

 

If you insist that he tell her he's with you for a week, then you're a "homewrecker" (actually he is, really - this is on him); but if he doesn't tell then he can walk it back saying that he was just figuring things out etc. Not fair to you either way, I think.

[spiritedaway2003]

I had been following this thread and the wife seems to know about him calling you. But I don't remember, is this your first D day? I must admit that I'm surprised. Most MM won't admit to their spouse, willingly. They want the A to fly under the radar.

 

Also, him being in a hotel for one night doesn't mean anything, exactly what others said, until the dust settles.

 

Not that this development is something to be celebrated because you know that there is going to be so much hurt and pain on the other side, too. It's not a good situation for anyone, really.

[Starswillshine]

I would just give him some time. If this is truly the end, he will need some time to sort through it all. Which giving him space until it is all final or at least on the road to progressing will help. Not saying go NC but dont be his cushion to fall onto.

 

And yes, right now, his wife is probably falling into a million pieces. And his child, too. Having to tell my kids that daddy was moving out was one of the most traumatic things I have been a part of.

[Hope71]

Thank you all for the enlightenment and reality check.believe me, its in full force.

 

I do believe MM may very well go back with regret... in fact I expect it. He has a daughter with his W..,, and I know that’s important to him... however his daughter is 33 years old .... he said he can’t make his decisions based on her feelings about his life with his mother and I agree . At some point she will accept it or she won’t

[Hope71]

I want to emphasize that I absolutely empathize with his wife......even though I’ll still be seen as the whore, home wrecker etc. I’ll even except that to a certain extent because part of me believes that I deserve it. .. but I never ever asked him or forced him to leave her or his home . Everything that transpired was entirely his decision not mine.... I think it’s important to say this because I think a huge part of these affairs is placed on the backs of the other women when in fact we give these men plenty of ....leeway....or “decision making” That honestly usually falls back on us when the reality is it’s not really our decision to make .

[S2B]

What caused him to go to the hotel tonight Hope?

 

Has he informed his wife he wants a divorce? When is he filing?

 

I’m concerned for you... that you may get your hopes up and be disappointed.

Edited July 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed spacing

[whichwayisup]

Spoke to mm at length. He’s going to Ftime me tonite. Something he would not do if he was home. He said his best friend called him and he declined the call....likely a mutual friend of his and W. I know he’s going through hell right now...because of me and it makes me feel horrible...,but he said it’s what has to happen....

 

Whatever you do, don't let him stay or live with you. He can find his own place or stay with friends or other relatives. Put your affair on hold, No sex or anything. Focus on you and your life. Chances are he's going to go back and forth for a while...Just because he says he's moved out doesn't mean anything, especially since they've been married a very long time. Who knows in a couple of weeks or even in a month he could very well move back home.

 

"Date" him in the proper way once he's legally separated, fully moved out and NO chance of them getting back together and he's proven to you he will be there for you and put you first.

 

He has to be on his own, work on himself and rid of the affair dynamic with you as well as grieve the loss of his wife and the life he once shared with her. And that takes time.... He can't just end a marriage and then start a new life with you the next day. It would be an unhealthy situation for both of you to jump in and live together and think that it could work.

[Hope71]

MM went to a hotel because he told his W he can’t give me up...and a huge argument followed. He said he didn’t want her to keep slandering me, and telling him he was making a mistake etc..,,he had to return after work this morning so no telling what happens next. We both realize this would happen. I know it’s extremely hard.

 

There is zero chance MM and I will be moving in together. First of all we live in different states right now. We agreed that we would move closer once he has moved out and see each other properly...but not until then. I’m thinking logically and clearly and I do know there is a chance he will once again change his mind. It hurts, but I know it happens. I’m sure part of MM wonders what the heck he is doing. I’m sure he worries that all his friends will think he’s lost his mind. All of this IS relevant and I told him I know it matters to him. I also don’t want him to think he’s taking a step down because of me....and that’s when it’s hard to compete with their history. We will never have a relationship that long...but I have so much to offer in a different way.

 

I will be ok either way....

Will keep you posted.

[elaine567]

You may have to consider that SHE told him to leave, he may at this moment be trying to persuade her to let him return.

Meanwhile he is getting brownie points for leaving from you... hedging his bets.

Just be careful.

[Starswillshine]

I agree, Elaine. It is hard to really know what to trust because these MM lie so much. None of us know this man, and I would also say that there is a large percent chance, Hope, you really dont know him either. He has lied so much to his wife and no doubt to you, so he is skilled and lacks the integrity that most people have.

 

With that being said, he could or could not be telling the truth. This could be happening or could not be.

 

Just be very careful and guarded. I know distance is a factor here and that is good. Tell him that you cannot be back involved until a full legal separation occurs. He is completely moved out of the house. He will for certain need some time alone to work on himself. And learn to be alone. The last thing you want is a man who cannot be alone.

 

Good luck, Hope.