MM of 3 years disclosed our affair...

[Hope71]

MM called me this morning from work. He sounds good..not like he did the first time this happened. He said he got a message from his daughter ..she basically asked him if he’s ok with not seeing her on holidays etc because of this. Obviously she is hurt...but he didn’t seem deterred.he just said he’s going to tell her this has nothing to do with his love for her..and he can’t make her accept it or control how she feels, that there is two sides to every story. He said he has to call his best friend later. He has not told anyone about us yet...his W did. Now he has to pretty much face the music. All I said to him was regardless of what they say no one has a live his life but him .

[Starswillshine]

His wife has a right to tell everyone what has happened in her marriage. He had an affair, people have a right to judge based on that. Yes, two sides to every story but there is never an excuse for an affair. His daughter has a right to be upset with her father. He hurt her mother, he hurt her. It will affect her more than just that he hurt her mother.

 

You're MM isnt some innocent peach here. He has cheated on his wife and his family. That is pretty disgusting behavior.

 

Remind yourself this. He is NOT a victim for you to feel sorry that everyone is so mad and judgemental of him.

[Hope71]

Thanks ladies...

 

I realize a lot of these MM do lie...mine lied to his W but now has disclosed our A. I’d say that’s a lot more than most do at this point. Even if he goes back she knows how he feels.. and honestly why would she want him back after he told her he’s in love with another woman ? I actually told him that if a man said that to me that I would gladly pack his bags for him. They were married for 34 years . Just based on the things I know about him I just don’t think he is a flat out liar it’s just not his character .

[Hope71]

@Stars

 

Of course his wife has a right to tell who she wants I never said she doesn’t .

MM was married for 34 years. People can and do change dramatically in that time span . Yes he did lie for a while to her but he told her the truth and now he’s going to be demonized for it . And I also realize that his daughter absolutely has a right to not have a relationship with him . We are both willing to take our licks because we made this bed and we know we both have to lie in it . No one is running around waving a flag as in we defeated someone . A lot of people are being hurt in this situation but he is trying to be as honest as he can and be as fair as he can . There’s no way I’m going to fault him for that .

[elaine567]

Just based on the things I know about him I just don’t think he is a flat out liar it’s just not his character .

 

He has lied to his wife daily for three solid years...

[Starswillshine]

Oh geez... he told the truth so now he should be celebrated? He told the truth that he did some very horrible things. Just because he confessed to it does not mean he gets a pass from it. Yes, he SHOULD be demonized for it. He had an affair. FOR THREE YEARS.

 

This is not something you just sweep under the rug and say, oh, people change. He actively cheated on his wife. On his family.

[Hope71]

Yes he did. So what now? What exactly do you think should happen?

[Starswillshine]

I guess he just goes on to the next woman who thinks he is an amazing person and does not deserve all these people being mean and judgemental towards him. Just reinforcing his entitlement at happiness at any cost. Just don't be surprise if one day you pay that cost, too.

 

Maybe it will all work out. It does sometimes. And I do wish that the pain caused isnt in vain and someone gets something out of it all. Just dont get stuck in the victimizing your MM because people are angry and mad. He made this bed.

[spiritedaway2003]

Oh geez... he told the truth so now he should be celebrated? He told the truth that he did some very horrible things. Just because he confessed to it does not mean he gets a pass from it. Yes, he SHOULD be demonized for it. He had an affair. FOR THREE YEARS.

 

This is not something you just sweep under the rug and say, oh, people change. He actively cheated on his wife. On his family.

 

I have so many mixed feelings about this whole thread. He absolutely does not get a free pass, but you have to give him some credit for being able to confess the truth (however awful it is) so that he could begin to work through the issues. So many MM have gone just down the route of hiding and sweeping things under the rug because they are conflict avoidant (and likely what led them to the A if the first place). Either way, damn if they do. Damn if they don't.

 

Between the two options, it is harder to step up and face the music so he is actually taking a harder choice, even though what's been done is terrible regardless.

[elaine567]

Yes he did. So what now? What exactly do you think should happen?

 

Wait and see.

But in the meantime, maybe do some serious thinking.

If he did leave, what does that mean?

If he showed up on your doorstep tomorrow expecting to stay, would that be fantastic or maybe not? Would you move lock, stock and barrel to be with him?

I get the "winning" as regards the wife, bit of an ego boost too, but are you ready for a new "husband" ?

 

If not then perhaps he is better staying put for his wife and daughter...

[Hope71]

I guess he just goes on to the next woman who thinks he is an amazing person and does not deserve all these people being mean and judgemental towards him. Just reinforcing his entitlement at happiness at any cost. Just don't be surprise if one day you pay that cost, too.

 

Maybe it will all work out. It does sometimes. And I do wish that the pain caused isnt in vain and someone gets something out of it all. Just dont get stuck in the victimizing your MM because people are angry and mad. He made this bed.

 

Thank you Stars.

 

I didn’t say that he does not deserve to be judged . That comes with the territory when you have an affair . I guess it’s easy to look from the outside because all you see is a cheater and someone who left their family . You also see the fact they were married for so long. It’s always easier to judge than to try to understand why . Of course I’m going to defend him because I love him and I really do want the best for him even if that means he goes back to his wife .. this is not a competition for me it’s my life and his life .

[Starswillshine]

I have so many mixed feelings about this whole thread. He absolutely does not get a free pass, but you have to give him some credit for being able to confess the truth (however awful it is) so that he could begin to work through the issues. So many MM have gone just down the route of hiding and sweeping things under the rug because they are conflict avoidant (and likely what led them to the A if the first place). Either way, damn if they do. Damn if they don't.

 

Between the two options, it is harder to step up and face the music so he is actually taking a harder choice, even though what's been done is terrible regardless.

 

There is credit for the outsider (us) but for the people this affects, he wont get much credit for it. And it shouldnt be expected. Especially after a 3 year affair.

[Hope71]

Wait and see.

But in the meantime, maybe do some serious thinking.

If he did leave, what does that mean?

If he showed up on your doorstep tomorrow expecting to stay, would that be fantastic or maybe not? Would you move lock, stock and barrel to be with him?

I get the "winning" as regards the wife, bit of an ego boost too, but are you ready for a new "husband" ?

 

If not then perhaps he is better staying put for his wife and daughter...

 

I am doing some serious thinking . We both are . We both know we have a ways to go before we even consider living together or anything more ... up until this point it’s all been something we discussed but now it is becoming more real . Does that change things ? It doesn’t change how I feel about him but yes it absolutely changes things .... I guess how it changes things will be determined . I’m just trying to navigate my own life while he tries to balance his without me getting too involved . He’s making all of his own choices and decisions but he’s trying to include me . Right now I think that’s the best way to navigate .

[Starswillshine]

Thank you Stars.

 

I didn’t say that he does not deserve to be judged . That comes with the territory when you have an affair . I guess it’s easy to look from the outside because all you see is a cheater and someone who left their family . You also see the fact they were married for so long. It’s always easier to judge than to try to understand why . Of course I’m going to defend him because I love him and I really do want the best for him even if that means he goes back to his wife .. this is not a competition for me it’s my life and his life .

 

People leave marriages all the time after so many years. It is unfortunate but it happens. People grow and change and drift apart. After 20-30 years, it's pretty boring and mundane. People want and desire excitement. Regardless of why the marriage was on the rocks, it never justifies an affair. Never. So whatever the reasons are, people can never look past the fact that he chose to have an affair instead of ending it the correct way.

 

Sorry, I got maybe a little triggered when the idea of him being demonized was said. Affairs are nasty and cause so much pain. Doesnt really make him a downright bad person but the lying and betraying surely makes his character quite questionable. As someone who is hoping to be his new open partner, just recognize that.

[Hope71]

I do recognize that. I also realize people are human and they screw up ... and they don’t always make the right choices . I certainly havent. For that I am actually truly sorry.

[Starswillshine]

Just wanted to say that I wish you best, I truly do. I believe we are all here wanting the best for other posters. We have all read so many horrible stories here, and we all have our own. We are all very leery about the people on these stories. I know for myself, I can sense your excitement and like a mom, I just want to protect you. Maybe all will be well. As I said, we dont know him. However, I dont believe you do either.

 

Most people have found our way to LS because we have been hurt, and we know that awful feeling. But I also know being negative Nancy and telling someone it will never work out, that they are being naive, etc isnt helpful either. So best of luck. Either way.

[Prudence V]

you have to give him some credit for being able to confess the truth (however awful it is) so that he could begin to work through the issues. So many MM have gone just down the route of hiding and sweeping things under the rug because they are conflict avoidant (and likely what led them to the A if the first place). Either way, damn if they do. Damn if they don't.

 

Agreed.

 

I’m seeing a number of points of resonance here with my own history.

* My H was with his xBW for a similar length of time.

* Our A lasted a similar amount of time.

* My H also disclosed the A to his then-BW.

 

But there are some points of difference, too:

* His kids were younger at the time (teens). They were supportive. They chose to live with him when he moved out.

* His friends and family were supportive - they all knew us as a couple during the A. He had support. He was not on his own against everybody.

* He saw a counsellor, who overwhelmingly supported his decision to leave.

 

I think the broad base of support made a huge difference. Hope, IDK if your partner has some friends / colleagues / family who are supporting him, or supporting the two of you as a couple. But when you have people banging away with the dominant narrative - about breaking up such a long-running marriage - hearing the supportive counter-narrative can make a big difference.

 

Whichever way things work out for you, I hope you land on your feet. You seem to have a sensible approach.

[BaileyB]

I just don’t think he is a flat out liar it’s just not his character.

 

Again, he’s lied to his wife and daughter every single day for years. It most certainly is his character.

 

If you choose to take him in when he shows up at your door, just remember that.

Edited July 24, 2019 by BaileyB

[Hope71]

Just wanted to say that I wish you best, I truly do. I believe we are all here wanting the best for other posters. We have all read so many horrible stories here, and we all have our own. We are all very leery about the people on these stories. I know for myself, I can sense your excitement and like a mom, I just want to protect you. Maybe all will be well. As I said, we dont know him. However, I dont believe you do either.

 

Most people have found our way to LS because we have been hurt, and we know that awful feeling. But I also know being negative Nancy and telling someone it will never work out, that they are being naive, etc isnt helpful either. So best of luck. Either way.

 

Thank you for this SWS. Who knows what will happen? Maybe we will be happy..l.maybe not but I’m willing to try.

[Hope71]

Update:

 

Talked to MM when he left work...on his way to a meeting. He asked me to book a flight for him this weekend to come and see me. He even gave me his AMX card number because he was in a rush...so I did. So.....I guess it’s a go... his wife had booked a trip for them at the end of August to go to Bermuda and he said she could cancel it or go with someone else if she wants to...

[Amethyst68]

Just got caught up in all the recent development and can I ask if you verified the location of the hotel? I ask because honestly my first thought was not that he's left his wife but that he's taking advantage of a business trip, especially as you already have the expectation of him returning to the family home to work. As for the vacation, easily explained by a work trip excuse to the BW. I'm not saying this to try to start an argument it it truly seemed an obvious option.

 

I'm not saying he hasn't left but if he lives in a different state I wouldn't be doing anything, including going on trips with him until you see proof of the divorce. Not just the papers which can easily be gotten hold of but the actual process.

[Hope71]

MM would never fly to visit me in the past...his W checks all the credit card statements and he would have to have a valid excuse for traveling without her. The reason I believe him is because he gave me his AMX number without hesitation. He works and his wife does not she is been the one in charge of paying for everything with their credit cards . I would never take a vantage of the situation or of the information he gave me ...But that is a huge indicator that he is not being deceitful. I understand why you would think that though .

[anika99]

If you decide to stick it out with your MM and see him through his seperation and divorce then you have a long road ahead of you with many of twists and turns. It will get much worse before it gets better and even if he really does divorce you still might not get your happily ever after.

 

I always caution against getting involved with a newly separated man even if there was no affair involved because there is so many emotions and unresolved issues and things can sideways at any second. Obviously the first risk is that he could panic and return home at any second. I've seen married people reconcile even a couple of years after they separated. If by some miracle he doesn't go home then he will grieve his marriage and he may be surprised by how hard that grief hits him. When that happens he will be all over the place.

 

He will be promising you the world one day and then be cold and distant with you the next. Every time he pushes you away you will be full of anxiety and stress, wondering what it means and what he is going to do next. He will stay in involved with his wife for awhile, out of guilt, or obligation, or just plain missing her. Or perhaps he and his wife will hate each other and have a nasty divorce and he will wear you down with his negativity and resentment. You will grow sick of hearing him complain and of being expected to support him while nobody is supporting you. If you complain or look like you are withdrawing he will be quick to remind you that he gave up everything FOR YOU. If everyone in his circle disapproves of his affair and your role then he will continue to hide you and treat you like a mistress.

 

Then if you two manage to get through the divorce and his roller coaster of mixed emotions it will be onto the next stage. This is when he'll realize that he's free and single for the first time in decades. At this point he may come to resent feeling tied down to a relationship with you. Here he is already trapped in a new relationship without even getting a taste of being single. He will begin to notice all the single ladies and if he is halfway decent looking and self sufficient they will notice him too. Most women weren't interested in him while he was married but now that he's divorced suddenly there will be plenty of women to pick from and it would be easier to start over with a brand new woman because his family, daughter and friends will be more accepting of someone new over the one he had an affair with.

 

And on your side things might also begin looking mighty different. You think you know his character, you think you know him well but in fact most of your relationship has been carried out online and over the phone with some romantic in person visits here and there. There is plenty you don't know about this man. Having conversations and sexual intimacy is only a fraction of knowing someone. If you get him fulltime you will realize that you didn't fully know him during the affair and you might not like what you learn about him. However you do know that he is fully capable of cheating and lying for years on end. You are willing to overlook that right now because your focused on getting him out of his marriage and having him to yourself but once that's accomplished it will eat you up.

 

I know that all sounds very negative and I can't know for sure what will happen. Yes there are exceptions and I could be very wrong. For your sake I hope I am. However it is highly unlikely that this man will just walk away from a 33yr marriage and go straight into a healthy and rewarding relationship with you. People just don't work that way. If you stick this out be prepared for more pain and misery.

[Hope71]

@anika...thank you for that sobering post. I will not lie part of me is very scared of what will happen . He also told me he is scared but honestly I would be worried if he wasn’t . I am in no way expecting this to be a cakewalk . I’m trying to give him some space and know that I am not expecting him to dive into a full-fledged relationship because I know that’s unrealistic . I know he is going to definitely miss parts of his marriage .. and I need to give him the space to do that and not take it personal even though it will be hard . I will not be making any grand predictions about how we are going to live happily ever after because that likely is not going to happen .. I know I’m in for some ups and downs and it’s not just him I go up and down also because I don’t like the idea of hurting anyone .

[Starswillshine]

I just worry about you getting so emotionally involved again. He just left his wife and running to you. I know how hard it is to try to keep some space especially since you have been waiting for this for so long, so I get it. Completely. But I am afraid of the possibility that he goes there and then returns back home... to his wife.

 

I believe he probably has fully left the home. And some people leave for good. I left for good. (But it was a lot of throwing him out, and then discussing it over before the move out day and giving him more time). I wasnt fully divorced when I got involved with my boyfriend who refused to pursue more than our friendship until my divorce was final. He kept his emotional distance knowing how common it is to go back.

 

Just be careful.