S2B Posted July 25, 2019 Share Posted July 25, 2019 How sad that he would delete a birthday greeting from his daughter. That would hurt her feelings. I hope he can manage to spend some quality time with his daughter so she doesn’t feel slighted. If he can strengthen that relationship by being with her often enough moving forward he may be happier in the long run. It’s up to him to regain trust in his loved ones. They will be watching closely his words and actions - I hope he considers how his actions affect his children. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 25, 2019 Author Share Posted July 25, 2019 (edited) @S2B.... His daughter is 34 years old and is a very smart woman. She put it on his work Facebook page not his personal page .... that was manipulative . Yes she is his daughter and no he does not ignore her he loves her very much . She could’ve easily also sent him an email or a text message wishing him a happy birthday and have the same sentiment in private . He deleted the post because it was inappropriate and it wasn’t just a happy birthday . That is his livelihood . Edited July 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 25, 2019 Author Share Posted July 25, 2019 I want to make it clear that I’m in agreement with everyone who says I should not jump right into a “relationship” with MM...or play “counselor “ to him. I need tips on how to do this without seeming cold, distant or uninterested in how his life is blowing apart... it’s really kind of hard to do that when I’m really part of the reason that’s happening . Without ending our relationship altogether..I never even thought it would go this far. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 25, 2019 Share Posted July 25, 2019 (edited) @Hope71.... Thus, the reason why many relationships fail when they start as an affair. Throw in an angry ex-wife, a disapproving daughter, the stress from a divorce in which he has to hand over half of the wealth he has accumulated during his marriage, the resentment he can't help but feel toward you for all the stress he is experiencing - the strained relationships/lost relationships with his wife, daughter, family, and friends and the financial loss that results from divorce... Not many relationships can survive this kind of stress. Advice on how not to get involved, without him feeling like you are distant and uninterested... Talk to him, tell him exactly what you have told us. Or, tell him that you will be waiting when he has divorce papers in hand. It is his life, his family, his divorce... There is a HUGE price to end this marriage and for you to be together - only he can pay it... Edited July 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 25, 2019 Share Posted July 25, 2019 (edited) I want to make it clear that I’m in agreement with everyone who says I should not jump right into a “relationship” with MM...or play “counselor “ to him...... That’s why counseling may help him... to process the marriage ending - how he can participate in a healthy manner moving forward - and how to navigate a new beginning with you that doesn’t bring all his baggage to the new relationship. Counseling could help you too - so that you can establish a healthy boundary for yourself... but that also prepares you for the stuff he will need to handle for the be t year or so while adjustments are made. But also for the case if he flip flops while divorcing... which is common. His emotions may be high and low - but knowing what is his to handle is key. Emotionally - he needs to have time and space to be finished with the marriage... and it’s better if he does this on his own - hence the suggestion to wait a while to connect with him... but since you choose to keep seeing him it seems vital for you to help yourself by establishing a firm boundary that keeps you happy, healthy and safe. Edited July 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 26, 2019 Author Share Posted July 26, 2019 (edited) @S2B Thank you...I actually talked to MM about going to counseling today. I don’t think he wants to go..so I suggested he at least have a good friend he can confide in that will be neautral. I will also consider counseling for myself.... Edited July 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 26, 2019 Author Share Posted July 26, 2019 MM will be here in less than 24 hours. He had to go home to do some work and he said his W was dressed up, and asked him if he would go to dinner with her because it’s his birthday today. He said he declined but felt like a jerk. I simply thanked him for telling me. We Ftimed tonite when he got back to his hotel and discussed it. Looking forward to seeing him face to face and making some real life decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 26, 2019 Share Posted July 26, 2019 His daughter is 34 years old and is a very smart woman. She put it on his work Facebook page not his personal page .... that was manipulative . Yes she is his daughter and no he does not ignore her he loves her very much . She could’ve easily also sent him an email or a text message wishing him a happy birthday and have the same sentiment in private . He deleted the post because it was inappropriate and it wasn’t just a happy birthday . That is his livelihood . Don't make his daughter out to be the manipulative one here. She's hurting and pissed off, feels betrayed too. He not only cheated on his wife, he has betrayed the family unit as one. No matter how old you are, when a parents cheats and leaves for someone else (and that is what he's doing here, he never had thoughts of ending his marriage until the A happened) it's gonna hurt the kids of any age. So she took a jab at him, sure wrong place but sooner or later people are going to find out. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 26, 2019 Author Share Posted July 26, 2019 I do empathize with his W and daughter. My issue is not the message but the deliberate attempt to solicit a response through his place of employment knowing full well thousands of people..including his boss could see it....it was wrong. JMO Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 26, 2019 Share Posted July 26, 2019 I do empathize with his W and daughter. My issue is not the message but the deliberate attempt to solicit a response through his place of employment knowing full well thousands of people..including his boss could see it....it was wrong. JMO What exactly did she say? Did she out him? From what you said it was just wishing he was home for his birthday. Anybody reading that probably didn't think "oh this guys having an affair and is away from his family during his bday" etc..etc.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted July 26, 2019 Share Posted July 26, 2019 I do empathize with his W and daughter. My issue is not the message but the deliberate attempt to solicit a response through his place of employment knowing full well thousands of people..including his boss could see it....it was wrong. JMO Wrong in that two wrongs dont make a right; however, he IS doing this to his family. This is their truth. They deserve every bit of their truth and should not have to fear of telling it because it hurts him. Because he surely didnt care that this hurts them........... If you're going to leave for someone else, own up to it. If you are too ashamed of that... dont do it. Period. No one should be hush hush. If it has to be hush hush, you shouldn't do it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted July 26, 2019 Share Posted July 26, 2019 She put it on his work Facebook page not his personal page .... that was manipulative . What did he expect was going to happen? It's not his daughter's job to help cover up his affair. He needs to face the consequences of his actions without shifting blame to others. The truth is going to come out eventually, so he should just admit that this is who he is, and own it. He should not expect others to help keep his secret life secret. I feel sorry for the BS. Sounds like she is doing the pick me dance. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 26, 2019 Share Posted July 26, 2019 I remember the day I learned my best friend’s father cheated on her mother. She arrived at an event (we were young adults), and I could tell something was obviously wrong. I asked if she was ok and she burst into tears. She told me she couldn’t talk about it and she walked out of the event. She was devastated. Her family broke apart that day. It changed all of their lives, forever. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 26, 2019 Share Posted July 26, 2019 Why doesn’t he want to do counseling? One would think he would appreciate a professional guiding him and supporting hard decisions at a very difficult time of transition. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 26, 2019 Share Posted July 26, 2019 NO counselling needed from his POV because atm he is feeling great. He has made a decision and followed it through. He is on a trip to visit his younger "mistress" and all is good. Many men in affairs actually resent the wife, the affair is retribution for perceived injustices, so he may feel she deserves to feel bad. She got her just desserts... He is angry with his daughter, how dare she criticise him... He has done the right thing in his mind, so why would he need counselling??? BUT... Once the assets start flying out the window, he is the subject of gossip and is persona non grata to friends and family, he has lost his home and his status as a "happily married man", then he may need some counselling... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted July 26, 2019 Share Posted July 26, 2019 (edited) I already gave MM a timeline...a month to move out... This is a good start, he has to be kept to this. I do believe he is being honest...and I do believe he is not the “cheating type”. Yes he is, he has been cheating with you for three years. He has also been cheating on you for longer Based on our friendship and just the kind of person he is. He’s not a smooth operator... Yes he is he smoothed you didn’t he whilst you were married. Whether or not we end up together, I plan on getting divorced. Why haven’t you D your BH? The excuse you offered is a throw away line, you didn’t want to D. We both already stated that it’s important for one of us to travel so we can discuss this in person. He has a house a few hour drive from where I live so it will likely be him. Are you committed to your his MM? Why can’t you go to see him? Seems a bit one sided, MM is listening to his BS, and is torn. Can’t he undertake what his wedding commitment. You want him obviously, but he is torn. He may just be gaslighting you. []There are two sides to every story (Your case there are four stories as both of you have BS, as well). Edited July 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Cleaned up quoting issues Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 26, 2019 Author Share Posted July 26, 2019 I appreciate everyone’s feedback, even if it hurts to read it. If this blows up in my face, then I’ll have to deal with it. Both MM and I understand that the bubble we’ve been living in has been popped...and we have to deal with a lot of blowback. I will update this thread In a couple of days. Hope you all enjoy your weekend...? Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 26, 2019 Share Posted July 26, 2019 NO counselling needed from his POV because atm he is feeling great. He has made a decision and followed it through. He is on a trip to visit his younger "mistress" and all is good. Many men in affairs actually resent the wife, the affair is retribution for perceived injustices, so he may feel she deserves to feel bad. She got her just desserts... He is angry with his daughter, how dare she criticise him... He has done the right thing in his mind, so why would he need counselling??? BUT... Once the assets start flying out the window, he is the subject of gossip and is persona non grata to friends and family, he has lost his home and his status as a "happily married man", then he may need some counselling... Pungent, especially the last paragraph. Thumbs up, 10 out of 10. Great post! ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 26, 2019 Share Posted July 26, 2019 (edited) So he lives out of state. But he still lives at home - but he also has a house a few hours from you. Why doesn’t he move out now?... to the house that’s a few hours from where you live? When is your divorce going to be final? If it were me - I’d require him to move and file those divorce papers. I’d also require that he see a therapist once a week for at least a year. He is going to have a lot of things that come up that he needs help sorting through. It may also help him have a healthier mindset once he is able to settle in with you - without associating resentments with you - which is crucial if you are to have any future together. Edited July 26, 2019 by S2B Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 29, 2019 Share Posted July 29, 2019 Where does he go after your visit this weekend? Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted July 29, 2019 Share Posted July 29, 2019 (edited) Not sure why you always go to the negative....maybe a little more support?. How can anyone support this kind of betrayal? I have been away for a while and before i left you had accepted that he cannot be trusted and cut ties. You were moving on with your life without him and starting fresh. I come back and it's all back on again. Don't blame the daughter for feeling betrayed. She has a right to feel angry and has a right to wish her father a happy birthday. It's not really your business how she goes about it so i don't think you have the right to judge her at all. It also sounds like he is still very much invested in his marriage and still telling you what you want to hear as so far you only have it word of mouth from him. Why would she book trips for them if he wasn't still invested? She wont cancel it because there would be too much money lost on it and if a ticket is registered in his name then she cant take someone else. He will be going on that trip. I don't understand why you are still pursuing this while she still remains very largely in his life and that he is still very clearly being dishonest. Edited July 29, 2019 by Maddie82 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 29, 2019 Share Posted July 29, 2019 How does a happy birthday and wish you were here become manipulative? He could simply be working away from home. Was he scared ppl would ask why he wasn't home and he'd have to explain where he was? All he had to say if they asked, is he's out of town. Watch carefully how he's treating his wife of so many years...that could be how he treats you one day. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 30, 2019 Author Share Posted July 30, 2019 MM visited for two nights...I had to work during the day and he stayed at the hotel. Normally he would golf, but chose to hang out till I got off. Things went well but he was most definitely not himself. He told me he was feeling guilty, etc as I was...but we both knew that might happen. Yes we slept together...once. We also went out to dinner and talked a lot. MM mentioned wanting to come back and do a week long trip with me., I said I don’t know because of my schedule and because things are so up in the air. So we didn’t commit. MM went home, and is still staying out of the house...but said he’s confused as how to proceed. He said it’s hard being alone in a hotel and I said I know that being away from home is not easy, so he feels like he’s in limbo..and confused. I know he misses the predictable part of his life but he said he knows if he moves back things won’t be the same. I told him only he can make that choice....and that seems like he is backtracking. So I guess that’s what it is. He hasn’t actually said it’s what he wants, but his actions are showing me that. Yes....I’m disappointed, but I honestly expected it. I am sort of hurt because he did come to see me but he was only half heartedly there. So he didn’t give US a fighting chance.in fact in angers me. So I told him maybe he should go back home. I can’t do it anymore. ????? Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 (edited) @Hope71..... His heart will always be with his family. His behavior proves that. Can you honestly live like that? With him not being completely there? I don't think you can. Nothing is going to get any easier or any better. It'll just get more complicated. If he proceeds with a divorce (which i don't think he will) his wife will be very bitter and make his life hell before taking every penny he has (adultery, you know) and she will get it. I think you're setting yourself up for nothing but heartache. If he's only half heartedly there now, he wont be there at all after being torn apart in the divorce court. It's highly likely that he wont divorce. He's giving you the classic 'guilt' excuse. Save your dignity and your heart and cut him out. He will never be the way you want him. Edited July 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 30, 2019 Author Share Posted July 30, 2019 (edited) @Maddie82... Thanks. I think I pretty much just said all of this. Edited July 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
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