MM of 3 years disclosed our affair...

[BaileyB]

It goes without saying Hope that you are at the beginning of this journey, not the end.

 

I seriously doubt that he is sitting around with his wife talking about you and the things you did together. I can well imagine that his home life is not a happy one either right now. So, try not to think about that - you have no idea what is happening in his marriage right now.

 

I am very sorry to hear about your dog. Take care.

[Hope71]

Thanks everyone. I see my thread was moved ...sorry about that.

 

What makes this really hard was that me and MM were so close. He also knew I was very attached to my dog and I can’t even tell him about this . Right now I can’t even bring myself to delete his voicemails from my phone because in some ways they bring me comfort because I can’t talk to him right now . So I’m just going to give myself a couple of months until I’m past the pain and then I will delete them all when I’m ready . I did put a post on Facebook of a picture of my dog just stating how heartbroken I am about this . I always post a lot of pics of her And lots of my friends love her.

 

Thank you all. I’m just so hurt right now.

[Naivewomen]

@Hope,

Does he have a way to see your social media posts because if you are posting hoping he will reach out too you are still stuck and hoping for a response. Its healing time now and he cant help you get there.

 

I am so very sorry to hear about your dog. I hope everything turns out okay.

[Abetterme]

Hope - I would definitely encourage IC sooner rather than later. Developing healthy boundaries for yourself with the help of a counselor will help prevent you from contact. You mention not being able to vent to anyone, this was true for me too at the ending of my A and the counselor allowed me a safe outlet for all my feelings and processing. Mine also specializes in EMDR which I think would be very good for anyone suffering to try.

 

As Bailey said, I doubt very much that his life is a cakewalk right now if in fact he actually did what he said telling his family about you. I doubt that the events leading up to last weekend are true, but that is just my rub on the situation.

 

Focus on you, I know it’s hard, but he has made his decision and your only concern is yourself. I found when I stopped my obsessive thoughts about him and his “wonderful” life, things moved a lot more quickly. I pictured a door around those thoughts and myself slamming it shut. It helped with a mental gear shift. I believe it was your thread that DK mentioned shutting all thoughts down, it really does work but you have to want to let go. I realize that is easier said than done.

 

Prayers for your dog!

[stillafool]

Do you have friends that can support you through this?

[mark clemson]

I believe you've read enough posts around here to recognize that contacting the MM would just be a setback. Short term relief perhaps, but in a few weeks you're right back in the same situation with the same level of distress.

 

The sooner you get your life fully in order, the sooner you can move on to something truly worthwhile. There's no point in prolonging the emotional pain - you know it won't pan out, so that's really all this would ultimately accomplish.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Hope - I would definitely encourage . I found when I stopped my obsessive thoughts about him and his “wonderful” life, things moved a lot more quickly. I pictured a door around those thoughts and myself slamming it shut. It helped with a mental gear shift. I believe it was your thread that DK mentioned shutting all thoughts down, it really does work but you have to want to let go. I realize that is easier said than done.

 

Prayers for your dog!

 

The door visualization is really good!!! I'm going to try that on everything I need to let go of in my life...bad habits, toxic people, etc.

 

I remember once doing a similar visualization with a guy I dated. I put two centurion angels at the entrance to guard a huge, vault-like steel door. It was super effective. Many thanks for reminding me of this visualization! I hope Hope will try it.

 

Hope, I too think you should be proactive about IC. I know you want everything to be better already but the truth is it's going to get tougher before it gets easier. Sorry to be a Debbie Downer. On the positive side, you have an idea what to expect so you can take steps to mitigate the process/pain. Go ahead and start looking into an IC who will be a good fit and try out a couple of sessions. You can only put off the pain so long before it manifests in other ways in your life/body/focus/etc.

 

Sorry about your dog. I have a little fur angel too who has been through nearly all my toughest adult challenges. Prayers that it is a false alarm!

[spiritedaway2003]

Hope, I too think you should be proactive about IC. I know you want everything to be better already but the truth is it's going to get tougher before it gets easier. Sorry to be a Debbie Downer. On the positive side, you have an idea what to expect so you can take steps to mitigate the process/pain. Go ahead and start looking into an IC who will be a good fit and try out a couple of sessions. You can only put off the pain so long before it manifests in other ways in your life/body/focus/etc.

 

I am going to second the IC suggestion. That having that support in IC is really different than this board - I can openly share nuances there which made a world of difference in why I felt the way I did. I was an emotional mess, talking (rather, mostly crying) my heart out in my first session. I had so many conflicted emotions. I didn't have many people I can talk to about it, because the very nature of a A makes it isolating. You are only at the beginning of it. I'm sorry to say that it's going to get harder before it gets easier. I thought I had been doing so well because I was focusing and distracting myself with other tasks. At some point, you will be alone with your thoughts and that's when the some things will hit your hard. Give yourself that time to grieve. It's really, really hard to lose someone, especially someone you had a close relationship with.

 

Focus on yourself. Get yourself to IC sooner than later - it helps. Be kind to yourself.

 

And sorry to hear about your dog.

Edited August 3, 2019 by spiritedaway2003

[Turning point]

Right now just trying to be reasonable ..and sane.

 

Let's think about what is reasonable...

 

I haven't read this whole thread, just your original post about how this situation developed.

 

I don't believe the MM when he says: "he loves you." When you say: "you love him" I'm willing to grant you space to feel like that's the case but, I don't really believe that either. I'm not claiming this makes it any easier to cope, it's just an observation.

 

I think each of you is in love with the idea of the other. If you need proof consider that the reason he waffles about leaving his wife is that the idea crumbles as he attempts to sever that connection and bridge the gap between you. It's the longing not the having that sustains this relationship, distance that elevates it, and denial that funds the crusade. If only...

 

I'm looking for the building blocks of love in this story, and they're just not there. There's been ample opportunity to build dependency, but not love. This is important because the OM's wife is not an obstacle, she's a cornerstone and if you fail to fully internalize that about him you'll never let go.

 

You need to let go.

Edited August 3, 2019 by Turning point

[Hope71]

I wanted to verify for myself and found out that MM blocked my number. I’m sure a condition set by his W. He’s still on my FB page though. Interesting. I know I should block him but I’m not ready.

 

I have set up a one hour IC session tomorrow. I don’t know what it will accomplish except that I get to unload without judgement. Hopefully. It’s only been a week but I’m pretty numb. I can’t even cry much. I already know what needs to happen...move on...make myself better, blah blah blah. So sick of hearing that.

 

I think what is hardest is feeling like MM lost nothing. He dropped me like I was on fire and he gets to stay with wifey. He doesn’t feel any loss. There’s zero consequence. He said I was his “best friend”....”. How can he even live with himself???

[Maddie82]

I wanted to verify for myself and found out that MM blocked my number. I’m sure a condition set by his W. He’s still on my FB page though. Interesting. I know I should block him but I’m not ready.

 

I have set up a one hour IC session tomorrow. I don’t know what it will accomplish except that I get to unload without judgement. Hopefully. It’s only been a week but I’m pretty numb. I can’t even cry much. I already know what needs to happen...move on...make myself better, blah blah blah. So sick of hearing that.

 

I think what is hardest is feeling like MM lost nothing. He dropped me like I was on fire and he gets to stay with wifey. He doesn’t feel any loss. There’s zero consequence. He said I was his “best friend”....”. How can he even live with himself???

 

Married men like him want the best of both worlds. It's very selfish of him. You're doing great though Hope. You're a strong woman.

[Hope71]

@Maddie..,thank you. Believe me it’s a struggle.

[CantTakeMySmile]

How did you know he blocked you?

[BaileyB]

I think what is hardest is feeling like MM lost nothing. He dropped me like I was on fire and he gets to stay with wifey. He doesn’t feel any loss. There’s zero consequence. How can he even live with himself???

 

Again, you don’t know that. You are telling yourself that there is zero consequence for him because you don’t see any consequences - but that’s a rather selfish way to look at it. I’m sure that his home life these days is not fun. Affairs are not discovered only for everyone to go on and live happily ever after...

 

This affair has changed not just your life, but three people’s live forever (four if you include his daughter). If anything, you get the happy ending because you are free of this cheating man and you get to go on and create a life that will bring you joy. They are all stuck in reconciliation hell.

[Maddie82]

I wanted to verify for myself and found out that MM blocked my number.

 

Wait, did you call him?

[stillafool]

 

I think what is hardest is feeling like MM lost nothing. He dropped me like I was on fire and he gets to stay with wifey. He doesn’t feel any loss. There’s zero consequence. He said I was his “best friend”....”. How can he even live with himself???

 

Sorry but that is just the way the ball bounces. The OW is always left holding the bag while MM goes on with his life or to another OW. This was a hard lesson learned for you.

[stillafool]

I wanted to verify for myself and found out that MM blocked my number. I’m sure a condition set by his W.

 

What did you need to verify?

[elaine567]

I wanted to verify for myself and found out that MM blocked my number. I’m sure a condition set by his W.

 

You don't know that, that is your ego talking.

Many MM throw the OW under bus, they don't need their wives to

impose conditions to do that.

Some are perfectly capable of making a decision to "get rid" of the OW.

He sees her as a threat to his life going forward, so he blocks her.

 

He has dumped you twice now, he did that all on his own.

There are no small kids tugging at the heart strings here.

He chose to go home, why wouldn't he then not choose to block you?

[stillafool]

You don't know that, that is your ego talking.

Many MM throw the OW under bus, they don't need their wives to

impose conditions to do that.

Some are perfectly capable of making a decision to "get rid" of the OW.

He sees her as a threat to his life going forward, so he blocks her.

 

He has dumped you twice now, he did that all on his own.

There are no small kids tugging at the heart strings here.

He chose to go home, why wouldn't he then not choose to block you?

 

It hurts them less to think the big bad wife is the one who is keeping them apart.

[BaileyB]

Sorry but that is just the way the ball bounces. The OW is always left holding the bag while MM goes on with his life or to another OW. This was a hard lesson learned for you.

 

This is so true. It plays out time and again on these boards, with women who are always so surprised and upset.

 

This affair was always about him. He held all the cards, he played all the hands. This is just a continuation of the same...

[Hope71]

This thread is over....thanks everyone

[Maddie82]

This thread is over....thanks everyone

 

But you didn't answer anyone's questions.

[Prudence V]

He chose to go home, why wouldn't he then not choose to block you?

 

I can think of many reasons, such as:

* he wants to keep his options open;

* he went home because he lacked support to pull the plug on the marriage unequivocally; he’s equally unable to pull the plug unequivocally on the R with Hope;

* he still holds out hope that he can one day be together with Hope, but he “has to give his M one last try”;

* he “gave in” to pressure from BW and daughter to go home; he could equally be giving in to pressure from them to block Hope (hence not blocking her on FB - they’ve not yet demanded he do that);

* etc, etc.

 

That’s neither here nor there. Whether he’s choosing to do so, or choosing to allow himself to be bullied into doing so, the result is the same. He got to block Hope before she felt ready to block him. I imagine that feels like a blow. Even if Hope never ever wanted to use the access, the fact that she wasn’t the one who got to pull the plug must smart.

 

I don’t want to put words into Hope’s mouth, but I’m guessing this post-breakup space is focused on taking back control. And that gets undermined when someone does something like that that takes that control out of your hands.

[whichwayisup]

On another note..in addition to all this i found out that my beloved dog may have cancer and I am devastated. I have pet insurance but I don’t want to lose my baby ...

 

I'm sorry to hear about your dog, hopefully it's curable and she isn't in any pain.

 

As for your exMM, focus on therapy helping you through the grieving and letting go process and rely on good friends and trusted family members for more support.

[Maddieandtae]

Hope the good thing about this message board is that posts that haven't been deleted for infractions means you can do a little research on some of the more hardcore responses from users. I think it will go along way in understanding the keyboard warriors.