MM of 3 years disclosed our affair...

[BaileyB]

Sorry but that is just the way the ball bounces. The OW is always left holding the bag while MM goes on with his life or to another OW. This was a hard lesson learned for you.

 

This is so true. It plays out time and again on these boards, with women who are always so surprised and upset.

 

This affair was always about him. He held all the cards, he played all the hands. This is just a continuation of the same...

[Hope71]

This thread is over....thanks everyone

[Maddie82]

This thread is over....thanks everyone

 

But you didn't answer anyone's questions.

[Prudence V]

He chose to go home, why wouldn't he then not choose to block you?

 

I can think of many reasons, such as:

* he wants to keep his options open;

* he went home because he lacked support to pull the plug on the marriage unequivocally; he’s equally unable to pull the plug unequivocally on the R with Hope;

* he still holds out hope that he can one day be together with Hope, but he “has to give his M one last try”;

* he “gave in” to pressure from BW and daughter to go home; he could equally be giving in to pressure from them to block Hope (hence not blocking her on FB - they’ve not yet demanded he do that);

* etc, etc.

 

That’s neither here nor there. Whether he’s choosing to do so, or choosing to allow himself to be bullied into doing so, the result is the same. He got to block Hope before she felt ready to block him. I imagine that feels like a blow. Even if Hope never ever wanted to use the access, the fact that she wasn’t the one who got to pull the plug must smart.

 

I don’t want to put words into Hope’s mouth, but I’m guessing this post-breakup space is focused on taking back control. And that gets undermined when someone does something like that that takes that control out of your hands.

[whichwayisup]

On another note..in addition to all this i found out that my beloved dog may have cancer and I am devastated. I have pet insurance but I don’t want to lose my baby ...

 

I'm sorry to hear about your dog, hopefully it's curable and she isn't in any pain.

 

As for your exMM, focus on therapy helping you through the grieving and letting go process and rely on good friends and trusted family members for more support.

[Maddieandtae]

Hope the good thing about this message board is that posts that haven't been deleted for infractions means you can do a little research on some of the more hardcore responses from users. I think it will go along way in understanding the keyboard warriors.

[GollumsNightmare]

What’s with the “wifey” name calling? What exactly did she do to you other than fight for her marriage?

 

I have been on both sides of this equation - as an OW in my early 20s and as a BS in my late 40s. There is no comparison between the two.

 

Trust me. All is not sunshine and roses at their house right now. You are not the only one suffering. Reconciling a marriage after infidelity is the hardest thing to go through that I can think of, other than losing a child. Seriously.

 

Since the day I walked in on my husband in bed with another woman (my “friend”), I have lost my dear mom to Alzheimer’s, my loving dad to a disease and held my very best friend as she passed to cancer. None of those things broke me like the infidelity of my husband. None of them.

 

Once caught, he couldn’t throw the OW under the bus fast enough. However, it took years of counseling to repair the damage done and to reconcile what happened. Unless the “wifey” in your case is willing to rug sweep, they are looking at YEARS of stress and upheaval.

 

So give the “wifey” a break and know that there is surely plenty of suffering going around for everybody.

 

There now. Does that make you feel better?

[Maddie82]

It sounds like she had a moment of weakness and called him (bad idea) but discovered he had blocked her number. Her anger instantly caused her to naturally blame the wife.

[GollumsNightmare]

Why is it natural to blame the wife? Put the blame squarely where it belongs, at the foot of the MM. HE is the one that has mistreated them both. HE is the one that has broken his promises to everyone involved here. Direct any BLAME to HIM.

 

The only one blameless in an affair is the BS. (I am not saying a BS is blameless in a MARRIAGE gone bad, but certainly blameless in the A of her spouse and how her spouse treats the OW).

[Maddie82]

I agree. He is the one to blame for all of this.

Edited August 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[heartwhole2]

How did IC go?

 

I'm a firm believer that extra perspective on your life can never hurt. Any time you're going through a major transition is a good time for counseling.

 

I agree with you that it's likely his wife asked him to block your number, but you can't know for sure. That's one of the hardest things to accept here; you previously had a window into his life and his marriage, and he's slammed that window shut and built a wall in its place.

 

His remaining your friend on FB could either mean he's lazy and hasn't thought of it, or that he's not quite ready to give up having a window into your life at the moment. I'd strongly consider closing that window for him by unfriending and blocking. It may help you feel that you've taken some power back.

[pepperbird]

If a wife can be blamed for her husband's actions and choices, then doesn't that make an affair the ow's fault for "seducing" the mm away from his wife?

Of course not. that's silly.

 

mm was able to go behind her back to cheat when it suited him to do so. It;s pretty hard to believe his wife is suddenly cracking down so hard he can't possibly reach out.

 

my guess? he's doing the " I want to be able to tell myself I tried to end my affair", all while hoping the op will try and contact him. If she doesn't, he will wait until he thinks she's started to recover a bit and then she'll get a call, text, whatever. He won't care if it will hurt her or his wife, it's all about him.

[heartwhole2]

But you didn't answer anyone's questions.

 

OP had said on July 8 that if they broke up then she would leave LS on August 8. So this is pretty close.

[Beentheretoooften]

The psychological mind games that go on during these times is really incredible. Who blocks who first has the power. It’s so sick. To go from one extreme of telling the AP’s/MM’s the truth about EVERYTHING, and we’ll always be friends, to see who can block who first. It’s just really so sad when I read these posts. Nobody deserves the depressing miserable feelings at the end of A’s. Yes they are so wrong, but the recovery time and recovery periods are just difficult, and honestly, you are never 100% healed. Ever. IMO. expect never to get back to your old self. Somehow have to embrace the change of a new you. Extremely difficult.

[gettinoverit]

... honestly, you are never 100% healed. Ever. IMO. expect never to get back to your old self. Somehow have to embrace the change of a new you. Extremely difficult.

 

Yes and thank GOD! I learned so much about myself, grew so much stronger, know far more what I do and don't want out of life now, and was more than happy to ditch the weak, vulnerable, needy old self and become this new me - stronger, wiser, happier, more empathetic and understanding. It's my life and I'll make it my own, instead of hoping someone else would fill the gaping hole that used to be inside me.

[Beentheretoooften]

@gettin. That’s the right attitude. If you really feel that way deep down, well, congrats. You likely are in the minority, very happy for you

[elaine567]

@Beentheretoooften - you sound a tad depressed.

Have you talked to anyone about your loss?

[Beentheretoooften]

@elaine. Yes I have. And continue to. My brain understands, my heart does not. Thank you for asking. They promise that time heals, I’m holding them to their promise.

[gettinoverit]

@gettin. That’s the right attitude. If you really feel that way deep down, well, congrats. You likely are in the minority, very happy for you

 

The fact is, it ends, whether you want it to or not. You have zero control over anyone and anything else but yourself. To believe otherwise is really just to fool yourself. I realized I was choosing to be a victim. And the only person wasting my life was me. I did a LOT of introspection, figured out a lot of things, and, over time, came out the other side stronger and wiser.

 

Some of the things that helped? Well, aside from the significant self analysis (daughter of an alcoholic, narcissist mother yada yada) I looked back over my life and realized my heart had been broken several times. And each time now, I could honestly say with hindsight thank GOD that never worked out! I then extrapolated it to my current situation. A second thing was that I had been dreaming of a future with a certain person. When I actually sat down and thought about the future *I* wanted, regardless of whether he was in it or not, I started to get excited about what it could hold and all the possibilities. And that I am FREE to create the life I want. He will always be stuck in a fairly 'meh" place he doesn't have the balls to escape from. Another thing that really helped - I didn't really like the woman I was. Weak and dependent. I figured out who I wanted to become. And then I set my sights on becoming her. She's still a work in progress, but she's a LOT nicer a person to be than the person I was! THAT chick is studying Russian, starting her own business, working out, looking smoking hot and feeling confident and happy about herself.

 

These are all things that helped me get through. And believe me, if I can do it anyone can because you wouldn't believe the circumstances I had found myself in. It's the stuff of movies. But it's life. And you get to be your own heroine IF you choose it.

[Naivewomen]

@gettinoverit, you are truly an inspiration. I look forward to hearing your story one day if you ever want to start your own thread.

 

You have no idea how many people need to get into the correct mind space after being on a rollercoaster for so long.

 

I look forward to your posts.

Thank you:)