Maddie82 Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 (edited) Can you live like that? What's your plan? Edited July 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 30, 2019 Author Share Posted July 30, 2019 Of course I can’t. My plan is to keep living my life...it will go on. To get back to life before MM. To get healthy in mind, body and spirit. To become the best version of myself again... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 (edited) You were doing this before then you let him back in again. I don't believe that you will ever let him go, and that's understandable because of how much you care for him. But you have acknowledged that nothing will change and that he will never be with you 100%. You need to go NC, because it's not fair what he's doing. Edited July 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 30, 2019 Author Share Posted July 30, 2019 I agree completely.... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 Bottom line, it’s not easy to leave your family, your home, and your life... It must be terribly lonely, and scary, to be sitting alone in a hotel room. This man used to have it all - beautiful family, comfortable life, people all around who loved and adored him. And now, he is sitting alone in a hotel room. He’s going to go back to his family. He will be a very lucky man indeed if his wife lets him through the front door. No doubt, it will never be the same. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 30, 2019 Author Share Posted July 30, 2019 Kinda like it’s lonely listening to someone tell you for three years tell you they love you, want to be with you...while you get to listen to all the things they do with their wife and family without you ...sorry I’m not feeling any sympathy for him . Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 No, I’m not feeling any sympathy for him. I’m just saying, for a conflict avoidant man who has enjoyed the adoration of two women for the past three years, he’s not going to be happy with this. I’m sorry to say, I’m also not feeling any sympathy for you. You chose this for yourself. When you decide to interfere in another marriage, odds are that you are going to get hurt. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 30, 2019 Author Share Posted July 30, 2019 (edited) @BaileyB.... I don’t need sympathy. I’m a big girl. Edited July 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 (edited) But you clearly have a considerable weakness where he is concerned. Edited July 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 I think this is the update most of us expected today. I think every time I've seen an OW excitedly post that her MM has suddenly left home, either by going to a hotel or going to a friends house, that MM has returned home within a few days, because having a fight and running away from home is not the proper way to separate, it's not moving out. I think your MM is caught up in the fantasy of the affair but whenever he gets a glimpse of reality he has second thoughts about leaving a marriage of decades so the back and forth begins. He will go home and then when he's missing your attention he will call you and promise that he's really leaving this time, only to pull the rug out from you time and time again. You will have to be the one who puts a stop to it. I think one of the reasons cheating MM never leave home is because their marriage wasn't half bad to begin with. They had no thoughts of leaving their wife before the OW entered the picture but one they are having this fantasy relationship on the side and in secret their head gets messed up, because affairs mess people up. But really, a marriage should fail or succeed based on it's own shortcomings or merits. It shouldn't be because a 3rd party has entered because that just muddies the water and leads to the confusion your MM is experiencing now. He panics at the thought of losing you but he also panics at the thought of losing his wife and the life they have created together. In a way he's trapped in a mental hell of his own making. You need to step out and let his marriage succeed or fail on it's own otherwise you're going to put yourself through hell. If the MM was in a terrible marriage before the affair started then he will probably still divorce but leaving one person just for the sake of trying out a new person is rarely a good idea. Step back and let him figure it out on his own. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
InvisibleLady Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 I do understand I could just tell him to call me when his divorce is final but that’s not really the advice I want I already realize I should do that . Hi Hope. Sorry you are hurting today. These things are soul crushing! You've always known the answer, you said it in your original post - you just didn't want that to BE the answer at the time. It's the only way. If he goes home one of the W's conditions will be that he cut you off. He may or may not actually do that, but if he doesn't you'll be settling for his crumbs. He is going to look out for himself, you need to look out for YOU! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
What_Did_I_Do Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 I sound like a broken record LOL - just because they leave, doesn't mean they will stay gone. Mine left and went back twice. It is incredibly difficult for men to walk away from their comfortable lifestyle. Yes, he may love you but he also loves the life he (and his W) built. His 'leaving' to the hotel room was nothing more than a cooling off period from his W and a fake front/action for you. He's conflicted because he wants both worlds. Chances are he's a typical cheating man and is waiting for someone to make the decision for him....either his W kicks him out for good (she won't) or you walk away. Everything will remain in limbo until then. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 I am really sorry, Hope. I know this rollercoaster has to be exhausting and draining. Hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
Abetterme Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 Hi Hope - I am sorry to see you hurting and just wanted to send some support. I’m encouraged to see that this weekend gave you some clarity on the situation. The several posts ahead of mine are excellent and I think a good reiteration for all of us still healing from a situation like this. Your own words just brought me right back to so many things. You’re headed in the right direction focusing on you. I can’t recall if you said if you’d started therapy, but I think it would be a big help in this disconnection stage. Wishing you peace! Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 What I've seen in these scenarios is once MM leaves home it takes all of the air out of the affair. The reality of what they've lost has taken all the fun out of the affair and their real feelings start to surface. It also seems that if they do go forth with divorce they never end up with the OW but; move on to a new woman who doesn't remind them of their past behavior. Their kids are also more accepting of the new woman who had nothing to do with the demise of their parents marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 (edited) @stillafool.... This is all true. If you think about it, there couldn't be a worse scenario for the affair relationship to continue. MM becomes estranged from his wife and his children, loses half or more of his assets, and likely has to pay alimony for years which is a constant drain. He loses respect and credibility from friends, colleagues, his parents and siblings, and if it was a workplace affair, may lose his job and his career. Once the fantasy and limerence aspect of the affair are blown up with this reality, how can it feel worth it? Hope, what is your status with your S.O./spouse, or are you single? Sorry if this has been asked before, but I can't remember or find the details in your thread. Edited July 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 (edited) ......You need to step out and let his marriage succeed or fail on it's own otherwise you're going to put yourself through hell. If the MM was in a terrible marriage before the affair started then he will probably still divorce but leaving one person just for the sake of trying out a new person is rarely a good idea. Step back and let him figure it out on his own. Hope71, just wanted to send along some hugs and support. It's really painful for all involved. What you're going through (3 years of "I love you and I want to be with you.") What his wife is going through. What he's going through (even though he created the 'mental hell of his own making'). Of course he's a little out of it - dealing with guilt. Unless he's heartless, that's a lot of history with his family. Also, he's going to want your support to help make his decision, but you can't (and shouldn't help) with that decision. I'm going to quote "anika99"'s because there is so much wisdom there. Read it and re-read it again. His decision will tell you whether want to keep the comfortable lifestyle he had (won't be as comfortable, if his wife even takes him back), or if he loved you enough to want to move heaven and earth for you. Now that things are out in the open, he needs time the work through his issues with his wife. She deserves it. I honestly wouldn't expect it any less from any MM. I don't know if it's beginning to sink in yet, but I just wanted to send you some support. Edited July 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 This is all true. If you think about it, there couldn't be a worse scenario for the affair relationship to continue. MM becomes estranged from his wife and his children, loses half or more of his assets, and likely has to pay alimony for years which is a constant drain. He loses respect and credibility from friends, colleagues, his parents and siblings, and if it was a workplace affair, may lose his job and his career. Once the fantasy and limerence aspect of the affair are blown up with this reality, how can it feel worth it? That's true, though A can be catalyst for some. Lying to the wife to have an A is wrong. Staying in a marriage if there is no more love (in extreme cases) and unwillingness to work on it is also lying to oneself (or both). It depends if there were significant issues before the A that might be contributed to MM to go looking for an A. I'll just make it clear that whatever problems doesn't justify having an A, but there are "exit affairs" for a reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 30, 2019 Author Share Posted July 30, 2019 So today he called and we broke up.ne said he went back last nite because he didn’t want to stY in a hotel and of course he wants to see if it will work out....blah blah blah. ....said not not what he wants but he doesn’t see another way. I said...well you’re making the choice. It’s not like you’re being held hostage. I didn’t beg..l I just asked him not to do this . What really made me angry was right before we hung up he told me he loves me . I didn’t respond back I just hung up. So there you go I am officially a statistic ... and not a good one . Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 (edited) I’m sorry. I can imagine that when his options are hotel or the comforts of home and family, home and family look pretty darn good... He will now begin the long road to reconciliation, I suppose. Don’t be surprised if he tries to contact you again. You should consider blocking him if you don’t want to hear from him anymore... Edited July 30, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 30, 2019 Author Share Posted July 30, 2019 Maybe I’m being. Little bitter right now but I hope he’s miserable..at least that’s how I feel right now. I’m a sucker. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 I think the excuse he doesn't want to stay in a hotel is bull. If he's not comfortable living in a hotel he could rent an apartment and start his new life. What a shabby excuse he gave you. He couldn't think of anything better than that. Good you hung up on him when he said ILY because I'm sure you know now that isn't true. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 You didn't scream or beg or promise to wait. You chose YOU, and put yourself first. You may not realize it but you're already doing great. Lots of love and hugs to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 Maybe I’m being. Little bitter right now but I hope he’s miserable..at least that’s how I feel right now. I’m a sucker. I think you have to try to see this as a blessing in disguise. He was not the man you thought he was, he was just a man trying to keep both plates spinning. He realised he was beat and retreated... again... My guess, his wife and daughter did not know he went to you this weekend. He spun them a tale too, I guess something to do with work, hence why his daughter posted on his work page... He panicked and had to get rid of that post in case someone on there outed him inadvertently... He was on a hot tin roof whilst with you as he was waiting to be found out... You were not accepting any nonsense either, so he ran off home... Please do not let him get under your skin again... Onwards and upwards... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 I think the excuse he doesn't want to stay in a hotel is bull. If he's not comfortable living in a hotel he could rent an apartment and start his new life. That would take a serious commitment. Clearly, he is not that committed. He has run home pretty quickly... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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