S2B Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 I’m sorry you are hurting. I think you have more leverage if you tell him you aren’t seeing him again unless his divorce is final. That way IF he REALLY intends to be with you - he will make sure he gets finished with his marriage. It also protects your heart moving forward. When hegetsitfinalized you can believe his word and that he was serious about making a future happen with you. It’s too easy for most MM to future fake and go back and forth. The only reason they get to do it that way is that two (or more) women allow them to . Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 (edited) So today he called and we broke up.ne said he went back last nite because he didn’t want to stY in a hotel and of course he wants to see if it will work out....blah blah blah. ....said not not what he wants but he doesn’t see another way. I said...well you’re making the choice. It’s not like you’re being held hostage. I didn’t beg..l I just asked him not to do this . What really made me angry was right before we hung up he told me he loves me . I didn’t respond back I just hung up. So there you go I am officially a statistic ... and not a good one . Oh dang - I see this update now... He really wants you to continue riding that terrible rollercoaster ride with him. Glad you said no! Seriously? He can’t stay in a hotel? I guess it’s more that he doesn’t want to. This guy has no strength to endure anything difficult. Stay strong...hugs Edited July 30, 2019 by S2B Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 What Elaine just said resonated with me... When my dad was having his affair, he also travelled a lot for work and we lived about 40 minutes from his office in a neighboring town. He would create this ruse where he had to go out of town for a few nights and would leave his car at the airport. His OW would come pick him up. It makes me cringe now to think about it all. How humiliating for all three of them. Hope, I think you are very likely on the biggest part of the roller coaster. From this past weekend high of making plans to the low of his phone call saying he’s back home to when he reaches out again and says something along the lines of loving you and really wanting to figure out a way to leave and then back down when he says that he’s agreed to counseling for one reason or another. For self-preservation and without any judgment, I would tell him to look you up when he is well and truly on his own, whether that he fully divorced or in process but living on his own for awhile. He will always know where to find you, if it’s Meant to be. But in the meantime, you get away from all of the emotional turmoil and you get stronger so that if he does come back, you can start fresh and have a healthier, stronger relationshup. The more you hang around for him to engage in push/pull with, the more hurt you will get and the more hurt one partner is by another, the harder long-term it will be for the hurt partner to recover and forgive. Best of luck to you. I am so sorry you are hurting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 What was his reason for returning home? Why didn’t he go to the other house he owns? Is he that scared to be on his own that he hurts two women this much? If so, that’s a REALLY selfish and self centered man! Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 I'm sorry but I'm not convinced my first thought was wrong and he never really left home. Every action of his in the past week can be explained by a business trip and now he's just returning home to his family. Even the birthday message from his daughter, you never saw the actual message (if it existed and wasn't just another manipulation tool), you have no idea of the content but it could have made it clear he was still living at home. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 I thought he wasn't happy in the marriage and didn't love his wife. Or have I confused this with another thread. Why is he going back? He has a grown up daughter...so no young kids to consider. It can't be loneliness...or perhaps it can be and he needs to have you and his wife. One woman doesn't seem enough for him. I'm also wondering if he really did leave at all. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 If that’s true Amethyst - then all he did was see his OW for his birthday. A gift to himself at her expense with non truths. He lead her to believe he had left the family indicating a divorce was eminent - but there’s no actual evidence to prove he told his family he intended to divorce his wife last week. It may all be lies. There’s no way to confirm any of it unless you ask his wife directly. Either way he’s seriously cruel. Cruel to you and cruel to his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 Sorry to hear this Hope71. I agree about blocking him. Not only will it keep you from backsliding should he reach out (and he likely will at some point but not for the reasons you would hope), but it also puts you back in the driver seat. It will feel better knowing that you took a stand for yourself, as in if he's willing to make such a choice after all your investment, he has no right to ever contact you again. You know you deserve better, overall and better than today's conversation. Take the stand for yourself to say 'never again!' and block. Then focus on all the self care you can. Wishing you the best. ❤ 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 I also want to give you a big congratulations for the way you handled yourself on today's call. When I read that you'd be spending the weekend together, I thought you'd be sucked back in hook, line, and sinker. Good for you for keeping your wits about you as painful as it must be! You got this! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 31, 2019 Author Share Posted July 31, 2019 Thank you all. I am hurting bad right now....I do believe he actually left his house because he showed a few texts from his daughter about it. The one thing I am proud of is how I handled the breakup. I know that the way you leave is the way they remember you...I will be implementing NC from this point. I have also looked into booking a trip in the next couple of months. I always need a plan when I go through something like this. Work helps too..right now though I just want to cry. Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 Go ahead and cry. Get it out. Just don't wallow; you don't seem to be the type to wallow anyhow! Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 Be sure you're strong with your decision because he WILL reach out to you again. Get (and keep) your head straight so that you don't weaken when it happens. And remember that unless he's actually divorced his reaching out to you again is absolutely no compliment to you or testament to his "love" for you. It's just all about his ego and desires, just as it always was. A man who truly loves a woman doesn't put her in that position. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 31, 2019 Author Share Posted July 31, 2019 @ Hadme...lol that made me laugh because you’re so right. ..thank you! @Finding myway: I’m trying to execute a plan on sticking to my guns. MM knows I won’t take him back under these conditions...and it angers me that he said he loves me before hanging up. I don’t get that at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 I’m proud of you. Hope you are too - for being strong. Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 (edited) @ Hadme...lol that made me laugh because you’re so right. ..thank you! @Finding myway: I’m trying to execute a plan on sticking to my guns. MM knows I won’t take him back under these conditions...and it angers me that he said he loves me before hanging up. I don’t get that at all. Maybe he said he loves you more for himself. It reminds me of this guy who I worked for. I'll call him CJ. The initial terms we agreed to when I started (work pt from home with very good pay) morphed 2 years later into me commuting 5 days/week, and eventually getting a 2nd apartment, with zero pay increase/hour. I had contributed a ton of improvements to get the company to the next level (taking from small biz to mid, formalizing processes and accounting systems and risk management etc). He was unwilling to share my expense of either the 3 hours daily commute or inexpensive second apartment, which led to souring of the relationship, me losing motivation, and him terminating me (replacing me with someone less skilled for half the pay since I had already 'upgraded' the company). My point to the story is...he hugged me immediately after the termination talk. Totally awkward, wierd. Seems like the same thing as your MM's I love you. CJ was also a serial cheater btw, which led to his divorce (a couple years before my employ). Edited July 31, 2019 by HadMeOverABarrel Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 MM knows I won’t take him back under these conditions... He has rejected you twice now and you are still apparently in negotiating mode. Why is that? Why do you want a man who is not only rejecting you, he is rejecting you in favour of his wife. There is usually a reason men find married women and women who live far away, to have affairs with. He is unavailable for long term commitment so a married woman is safely married, she is going nowhere... LDRs suit cheaters as they can control the narrative. He calls, he Facetimes, he emails, he texts... he doesn't have to sneak out or tell loads of lies to explain himself. He arranges and manages real life meetings around his wife's schedule... All hunky dory. Only, as we see so often on the board once separated or divorcing the OW turns her attention to the MM leaving his wife. She calls his bluff, "If you loved me you would leave..." He doesn't want to do that, not really, but wants to maintain the status quo, and the whole sad story plays out here again and again... (He told you he loves you to keep you on the hook... Like most men, he knows women are suckers for love...) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 31, 2019 Author Share Posted July 31, 2019 @Elaine I’m not in negotiating mode....?? I’m in recovery mode. MM made his choice....he is going to have to live with it. Guess what...I am going to be fine. I am free to move on ...he gets to live with his choice..not to say staying with his W is horrible but he knows what he did ..,and just because he’s back doesn’t mean it’s “over”. My rose tinted glasses came off yesterday. I’m not over it ....but I’m definitely not going back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 @Elaine I’m not in negotiating mode....?? Ok, I am glad you are moving on, but the implication in what you wrote was that if the circumstances changed you would take him back... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 31, 2019 Author Share Posted July 31, 2019 The day after breakup: I don’t know why but I woke up feeling empowered. Maybe because it’s over and I feel free? It’s strange. Last night was hard but not as hard as I thought it would be. I’ve also been watching videos on doing NC and how beneficial it is...so I’m resigned to doing NC . I haven’t checked my phone ...which normally I do. So maybe this is a good thing. Of course maybe later I’ll feel worse...but for now I’ll take any small amount of strength I can get. Hope you all are being strong.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 31, 2019 Author Share Posted July 31, 2019 @elaine Lol....only if he chased me ..with signed divorce papers . Which will never happen. I don’t think I would want him by then anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted August 1, 2019 Author Share Posted August 1, 2019 Home tonight. Still pretty raw. Less than 48 hrs since breakup.. No desire to talk ..or even be upset. I’m ready to move on!!! He can keep her....at least in six months MY life will be different!! His...status quo.......ewwww!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 1, 2019 Share Posted August 1, 2019 (edited) So today he called and we broke up.ne said he went back last nite because he didn’t want to stY in a hotel and of course he wants to see if it will work out....blah blah blah. ....said not not what he wants but he doesn’t see another way. I said...well you’re making the choice. It’s not like you’re being held hostage. I didn’t beg..l I just asked him not to do this . What really made me angry was right before we hung up he told me he loves me . I didn’t respond back I just hung up. So there you go I am officially a statistic ... and not a good one . Be kind to yourself throughout your grieving process. Block him on all social media and from your phone too. Make it impossible for him to contact you (because chances are he will reach out at some point when he feels it's safe to). This isn't punishment for him it's protecting yourself from future unnecessary pain. Stay in No contact mode. Grieve, reach out to good trusted friends and family who love you and support you. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/337989-no-contact-nc-guide-long-walk-consolidated-discussion This will help you with no contact. Edited August 1, 2019 by whichwayisup 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted August 1, 2019 Share Posted August 1, 2019 Home tonight. Still pretty raw. Less than 48 hrs since breakup.. No desire to talk ..or even be upset. I’m ready to move on!!! He can keep her....at least in six months MY life will be different!! His...status quo.......ewwww!!! You said this before then you took him back. You seem to be repeating the same cycle. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted August 3, 2019 Author Share Posted August 3, 2019 It seems like NC is getting harder now. I guess reality is sinking in that I’ve been dumped. Ugh. Even being busy every single minute doesn’t seem to help. I also deleted my FB app off my phone so I’m not tempted to use it. Why is is so f ing hard? I booked myself to work two weeks straight because I need to be busy...and working out. I wish this would end.. Link to post Share on other sites
Abetterme Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 Hang in there Hope. You’ve been through a roller coaster in the last month and it will take a bit to level out. The only way forward is through, but it will get better. You are taking the right steps. Tomorrow is a new day! Link to post Share on other sites
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