Author Hope71 Posted July 9, 2019 Author Share Posted July 9, 2019 (edited) I’m not going to lie. I am hurt.... Here is the deal. We just ended it..I guess. I will post here for the next 30 days. If there is no progress....I will leave the board. If he returns after 30 days I may reconsider starting another thread. For now... I will stay until AUgust 8th to see what transpires. Until then I will update happy and upbeat posts. I refuse to let this destroy me... Edited July 9, 2019 by Hope71 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 I’m not going to lie. I am hurt.... Here is the deal. We just ended it..I guess. I will post here for the next 30 days. If there is no progress....I will leave the board. If he returns after 30 days I may reconsider starting another thread. For now... I will stay until AUgust 8th to see what transpires. Until then I will update happy and upbeat posts. I refuse to let this destroy me... This shows that you are still holding out hope for him to come back. Why would you even want him back? Why wait to see if he puts in an appearance down the line? Cut him off completely. Block and delete his number so he cant contact you again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 9, 2019 Author Share Posted July 9, 2019 This shows that you are still holding out hope for him to come back. Why would you even want him back? Why wait to see if he puts in an appearance down the line? Cut him off completely. Block and delete his number so he cant contact you again. I don’t know. Because I love him?? Stupid I know, but I guess when you’re heartbroken your mind isn’t exactly logical. I’m trying my best...give me some time. Chances are I won’t want him back in time but right now it hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 9, 2019 Author Share Posted July 9, 2019 I’m awake early so I figured I’d post before work. I’m going to get my workout in. Usually MM would text me before I woke up...and then call. I guess I have to get used to not hearing from him. I’m trying to be positive...and not think of the what if’s... I know this sounds desperate but for the next week or so I’m thinking of leaving my cell phone at work in my locker so I’m not tempted to call or text him. Days are easier. because I’m working and busy. It’s always nights...anyone else?. How do you stop the temptation? Ugh!! Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 Seems to me hope and love are the downfall of most OWs on here and it is what keeps them stuck. Instead of seeing the situation for what it is ie total rejection, they talk themselves into believing in fairy tales. He didn't love you, not in the way a woman needs to be loved. He used you to prop up his boring marriage and when forced to make a choice he chose his wife and his marriage as that is where HIS bread is best buttered. That is no love story, that is a tale of selfishness and narcissism. He was entitled to two women, two women who love the bones of him, whilst he only truly loves himself.. Once you take the romanticism out of the affair, it is not that pretty. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 9, 2019 Author Share Posted July 9, 2019 Seems to me hope and love are the downfall of most OWs on here and it is what keeps them stuck. Instead of seeing the situation for what it is ie total rejection, they talk themselves into believing in fairy tales. He didn't love you, not in the way a woman needs to be loved. He used you to prop up his boring marriage and when forced to make a choice he chose his wife and his marriage as that is where HIS bread is best buttered. That is no love story, that is a tale of selfishness and narcissism. He was entitled to two women, two women who love the bones of him, whilst he only truly loves himself.. Once you take the romanticism out of the affair, it is not that pretty. Really Elaine? I appreciate the pep talk, but I’m trying to move on. I’m not romanticizing anything. A little support would be nice. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 Really Elaine? I appreciate the pep talk, but I’m trying to move on. I’m not romanticizing anything. A little support would be nice. I am trying to support you, getting stuck on "love" and "hope" is not in YOUR best interests believe me. Before you know it he will have wormed his way back in and you will learn to accept even less, and less and less.. it is the same old story. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 9, 2019 Author Share Posted July 9, 2019 I am trying to support you, getting stuck on "love" and "hope" is not in YOUR best interests believe me. Before you know it he will have wormed his way back in and you will learn to accept even less, and less and less.. it is the same old story. I appreciate the support but where did I say I have hope?? Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 I appreciate the support but where did I say I have hope?? In your comment about waiting to see if he comes back by a certain time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 9, 2019 Author Share Posted July 9, 2019 In your comment about waiting to see if he comes back by a certain time. I’m not waiting for him to come back...I’m giving myself a timeline on how long I’m going to grieve this...after 3 years, 30 days of no contact is a starting point... but I’m not waiting for him to come back. I need support in case he does! Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 I really don't know how I will ever trust another man again. One aspect of affairs that seems to be pretty universal whether someone is a BS or OM/OW is they rock a person right down to their foundation. I'm a BS, and like you, I feel like I will never, ever trust anyone 100 percent again. That was one of the worst things about all of this, but I realized that even if I can't trust anyone else, I could do what it took to learn to trust myself and my ability to make good choices. I'm not 100 percent there, and maybe I never will be, but at least it's something I can control and have a goal to reach for. Trusting others that much gives them control over me, and I don't want to be in that position ever again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 9, 2019 Author Share Posted July 9, 2019 Yesterday was hard...I had a bad end of my work day and I wanted to call MM and I couldn’t. That really hurt.... Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 Yesterday was hard...I had a bad end of my work day and I wanted to call MM and I couldn’t. That really hurt.... Stay strong. Call a friend or family member instead. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 Yesterday was hard...I had a bad end of my work day and I wanted to call MM and I couldn’t. That really hurt.... Anytime you want to, do something that will better you. Like maybe yoga (if that's your thing), read some sort of self bettering book whether career focused or personal, or any sort of book. Though if I am honest, I couldnt read while trying to get through heartbreak. Too many thoughts that woukdnt calm trying to read. Anyway, just something so 1 you dont call and 2 you are just bettering yourself.. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 Grief doesn’t follow and arbitrary timeline. Let yourself feel this “breakup” for a while. You will know when you are ready to get back out there again... Good luck with your training. It will be nice to have something positive to focus on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
What_Did_I_Do Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 I'm not going to comment on your A or the MM because this is now about you. Your strength and determination is inspiring. Trust yourself. Redirect your focus. Mine mission was to look forward. I was free of that 'waiting' shackle. It truly was liberating. My therapy was horses. Just wanted to pet one. Heaven in an 1100lb package. Would drive by ranches and acreages and wonder if I should take the gamble, climb the fence and risk getting shot at or ripped apart by guard dogs just to rub their velvety nose and stroke their neck (sounds like porn LOL). Never did but planning these trespassing ventures occupied a lot of time. Be strong. You're worth it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 Hi Hope. You've read my thread so you know our stories have many common elements. I think your current frame of mind is positive and you have resolve to have it end BUT I worry that it may be false bravado. I too, went through the mindset of it's over and I'm relieved, I don't want him back and so on. Nonetheless, I went back a couple of times because I loved him and believed if he came back, he was serious about leaving. In the end, he was fooling me, possibly even himself. He didn't leave and we have now been 2 months mostly NC. I will admit to a couple of late night texts that he hasn't replied to, or even read apparently. While in some ways I regret those texts, (anniversaries in the last couple of months have been particularly difficult - obviously not for him though) I don't from the standpoint of they just solidify in my mind that it is really over. After everything, I know I probably don't love him. I know I loved the way he made me feel, the attention and adoration, the support he gave me, the talks, the things we did together, the calls, texts and times together. I loved feeling special, especially after years of feeling invisible to my xH. By the same token, I hated the way he could lie, cheat, manipulate, make false promises, lead both BS and me on, think of himself and what was comfortable for him to the exclusion of impact on others. In other words, his true character is not what I would want to couple myself with the rest of my life. Who he is is essentially Satan 2.0 (xH was Satan), just in a different form and manner. All this to say, you feel relieved now and have resolve. I did the first few weeks. And then it set in. Probably not so much the loss of him but more the loss of hope for a rosy future, the dream, the things we did together, the companionship. It suddenly became intolerable for weeks. Expect that once the initial numbness wears off, you may find that the real grieving, loss and rejection set in. This is when you might succumb to his reaching out. You may question how and why you believed he was true and honest with you when he wasn't that with his life partner. But when he comes crawling back, you might be relieved that he's doing so because he really loves you ... more likely he misses how you made him feel now that all he's had is BS and their usual interaction which left him missing something that you provided. That's when you will really need the strength and resolve. Months ago, my psychologist highlighted to me the theory of the N of One. It basically says that the subject, N reacts a certain way once then repeats the same behaviour. Sometimes it's because of conflict that he works through but most often, he will repeat the behaviour. In this case he made promises he backtracked on once and will likely he will do so again and again. It may be possible he behaved a certain way while resolving a conflict or overcoming an obstacle and will behave differently when his current state of mind is resolved. More probably, he will just continue to behave the same way over and over. Why wouldn't he? He's had the best of both of you while each of you has had only half of him. Having a timeline is great, but cut yourself some slack. You won't just wake up on day 30 and it's all magically disappeared. You may find that you are questioning yourself, your judgement, your values, who you are as a person. Keep posting and reading because it helps to see the commonality in affairs. We all seem to react the same in the end. There is nothing unique or special about our connections with MM in truth. And it takes time to resolve why we got into affairs to begin with. Do you know what it is that you were missing, what is broken inside of you that you engaged in a relationship that hurt others, yourself included? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 Amazing Kat!! What a heartfelt post! Link to post Share on other sites
SpiceCat Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 I appreciate the support but where did I say I have hope?? Support does not always come in the form of telling you you're doing everything right. Not saying you said that..but..something to think about. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 After everything, I know I probably don't love him. I know I loved the way he made me feel, the attention and adoration, the support he gave me, the talks, the things we did together, the calls, texts and times together. I loved feeling special, especially after years of feeling invisible to my xH. This realization is a real breakthrough. I can't remember if you have been in I.C. or not, but it seems like you figured this out either way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 9, 2019 Author Share Posted July 9, 2019 First of all thank you all sooooooo much for the comments and support. It helps so much. Being in an A so long is hard because it’s isolating. No one to confide in or celebrate the relationship with. Little update but I’m proud of myself. MM responded to a message I sent him yesterday right after our last discussion. Here’s his reply” I don’t lie to you. I don’t talk sh** about you. I don’t do anything to just get what I want . I do give a damn about you . I love you and you damn well know I do . This is killing me I’m torn into pieces . I’m only trying to do the right thing I feel horrible but nothing I do is right .” That was sent at 8:30 this morning while I was working. I didn’t answer...and won’t. I work tomorrow then off Thurs/ Fri. I wish I had plans for those days. Weekends were always hard for me especially in that affair ... though normally I work weekends . I feel like I have such huge gaps I need to be filling. It sucks. Just makes me realize exactly how much of my life he actually consumed without giving anything back .it makes me angry actually. I hope everyone is doing good. ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 9, 2019 Author Share Posted July 9, 2019 Thank you Kat for that amazing post...it truly helps..I’m so happy you’re doing better. You said MM would always come back with excuses.... did he actually have a D day or did you ever find out? I don’t think I can trust MM again...so I don’t think I can talk to him. I’m definitely deep in the hurt and angry stage. Link to post Share on other sites
Beentheretoooften Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 Hi Hope. I’ve been following your story on here since it started. Almost coincided with me registering on here, but I’ve been reading for at least a month+. Even though we are on different sides, I understand the isolation part you mentioned. All these good feelings etc, has to be kept to just you 2, where you just want to scream about how great it is. Boy I do get that. In addition, filling the empty time was a huge problem for me. Basically, work day hours to fill. Almost an extra job. Between texts, calls and FaceTime and then time together, I have all these hours to just spin my wheels. Not to even mention the secret language we had too. I’m starting to realize, that even though I thought my A was different than others because of how I felt, it’s really the same when you peel everything away. I haven’t taken too many harsh words, but when they do come, it does make it more difficult and makes me sad. There are many posters opening up themselves as to where they are, and sometimes it feels like ‘they’ swoop in. Take those for what they are. Listen to the people that you feel like they actually care and have compassion for you. Those are the ones where you will find courage. I disagree with a few here in that I do believe that he could love you. That text he sent you, I still think he’s being honest. Unless he is just so evil, he is being truthful and It is possible that he is so confused. It is not something that is just so easy to decide. It would be such a life changing choice. That’s it’s, whatever happens I am rooting for you and sending you strength. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 9, 2019 Author Share Posted July 9, 2019 @beentheretoooften... Thank you so much for your sweet response. I believe MM is being truthful but it doesn’t hurt any less. For the last year he’s been promising me and begging me to wait it,out...that he loves me..blah blah blah...and of course in the end he caves. I told him he’s a text book MM. they all are at the core. MM swears he wants to be with me, but he has to stay and try to make it work. I have no interest in standing on the sidelines like a jackass helping him make his marriage better. In some ways I already have ....I’m done being used. I want to be first...in a normal...open relationship. I deserve that...period. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MINAKO Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 I have no interest in standing on the sidelines like a jackass helping him make his marriage better. In some ways I already have ....I’m done being used. I want to be first...in a normal...open relationship. I deserve that...period. I do not really answer to marriage threads since I do not have experiences with that but, I just want to say I am happy you are in this place right now. You absolutely deserve better and he absolutely does not take you seriously enough to make it openly work out with you. The faster he becomes apart of your past, the faster you can meet someone who will actually cherish you and not play games, especially while already married. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
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