Author Hope71 Posted July 9, 2019 Author Posted July 9, 2019 I decided after waiting a full day...to respond to MM”s message to me this morning. I thought out carefully what I would say because I dint want to ramble ..so here what I said. It took me a while to respond to this.. I really think this is for the best.i need to be single and get my life in order. I’m probably going to be moving at the end of the year. Change will be really good for me. I respect that you’re trying to work things out. Hopefully it will be ok. I love you, and I probably always will.. So I kept it short, sweet and to the point..but I think actually agreeing with his decision is best. I know he didn’t deserve that.. but I did it more for me, than for him. 1
PhoenixRising8 Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 (edited) Even though we are on different sides, I understand the isolation part you mentioned. All these good feelings etc, has to be kept to just you 2, where you just want to scream about how great it is. Boy I do get that. In addition, filling the empty time was a huge problem for me. Basically, work day hours to fill. Almost an extra job. Between texts, calls and FaceTime and then time together, I have all these hours to just spin my wheels. Not to even mention the secret language we had too. I’m starting to realize, that even though I thought my A was different than others because of how I felt, it’s really the same when you peel everything away. I haven’t taken too many harsh words, but when they do come, it does make it more difficult and makes me sad. There are many posters opening up themselves as to where they are, and sometimes it feels like ‘they’ swoop in. Take those for what they are. Listen to the people that you feel like they actually care and have compassion for you. Those are the ones where you will find courage. I disagree with a few here in that I do believe that he could love you. That text he sent you, I still think he’s being honest. Unless he is just so evil, he is being truthful and It is possible that he is so confused. It is not something that is just so easy to decide. It would be such a life changing choice. That’s it’s, whatever happens I am rooting for you and sending you strength. You are in some ways different from Hope's and my xMM. you didn't make promises you couldn't or wouldn't keep. That's a huge difference. You didn't over-promise and under-deliver and I can respect that. I think in the case of our xMMs, while their feelings were genuine (and I believe they are/were), its the leading us down the garden path of a future as a real couple that makes them different and in many ways despicable, angering and unforgivable. My A started as we both intended to keep our marriages intact. Before I split for good with xH, HE (xMM) changed the rules of engagement and wanted out of his marriage. Because of what my xH did to our daughter, I could no longer stay with him, although I had intended to stay in the marriage for financial reasons. xMM led me to believe he was just as miserable as I was AND he initiated the "us between now and forever" talk, so I had no real reason to doubt him. He even went so far as to tell BS, the kids and BFFs he wanted to exit the marriage. That was not just him selling me a bill of goods as I was privy to phone conversations, texts, emails and letters between him and those various people. Then after he tells them he starts to backtrack. Because of my own experience with conflict in to leave or not to leave I gave him a wide berth. But in the end, he couldn't or wouldn't go through with it. Doesn't matter, net result is the same. I think it's the future faking and the broken promises that MM are prone to utter that results in much of the lashing out you see on these threads. If you didn't do that, it doesn't apply to you. This is what has resulted in my dislike of xMM. That he could make promises to someone he knew loved him, adored him and was so vulnerable, despite his feelings for me, is what led me to completely disrespect and dislike him. But he really did nothing worse to me than he did to his BS. Edited July 10, 2019 by LilKatKat
PhoenixRising8 Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 (edited) I believe MM is being truthful but it doesn’t hurt any less. For the last year he’s been promising me and begging me to wait it,out...that he loves me..blah blah blah...and of course in the end he caves. I told him he’s a text book MM. they all are at the core. MM swears he wants to be with me, but he has to stay and try to make it work. I have no interest in standing on the sidelines like a jackass helping him make his marriage better. In some ways I already have ....I’m done being used. I want to be first...in a normal...open relationship. I deserve that...period. My xMM told BS, kids and BFFs without any prompting from me. I was actually surprised when he did because we had just spent the entire morning and a bit of the afternoon together and he said nothing about his intention to do so. (I know he actually did because I was privy to phone conversations, texts etc that verified he had in fact asked for a D). Everything went along OK while I gave him time and space to "work through the uncoupling". We broke up and got back together but when we did, I told him he had no longer than the end of June but in the meantime, it was hands off, platonic only and he was fine with that. After 6 weeks, it was hands on lol and he immediately started waffling again. That was it. My patience and excuse making days were over. You had the exact same experience. As soon as you insisted you weren't going to be the dirty little secret any longer, poof, he's gone. Yes he told you he confessed to BS, but did he really? Do you have any proof? I actually find it hard to believe that BS wants to make the marriage work but at the same time she tells the daughter, ensuring his relationship with the daughter is damaged before they even have a chance to work it out. Seems somewhat counter-intuitive. You would think BS would keep that to herself to avoid issues with the daughter so that BS and WH can work on saving the marriage without the added angst with the child. Had I been in her shoes and wanted to work on the marriage I would have been concerned telling the daughter would make him resent me and less prone to working on it. Something just doesn't add up in the story. I have a hunch it was just that ... a story, designed to placate you and put you in your place except you didn't play ball the way he hoped. Think about that if and when you ever get a weak moment wanting to reach out or respond to any advances by him. Edit to ask: Did he go on vacation alone or with BS? If he went with BS, that just makes his whole "I told her" story that much less plausible. Mine went on vacation with his BS and that really was the beginning of the end. Edited July 10, 2019 by LilKatKat
Author Hope71 Posted July 10, 2019 Author Posted July 10, 2019 @kat.. The issue of his W telling his daughter came up yesterday morning. He said he was pissed that his W told her before he had a chance...and she was flying up this weekend. I do believe him, not because I’m naive but because it just doesn’t seem like something he would need to make up. Even if she hadn’t...his decision was probably the same, so it made no sense. I don’t think MM is really a game player...and yes I believe he told his W because she searched my name on google and found out info even he didn’t know. He asked me to verify if was actually my name...
PhoenixRising8 Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 None of us know for sure if what MMs tell us is true, unless we have proof. You may think he doesn't have a good game face but let's face it, his game face is good enough to have gotten away with cheating for 3 years. I thought the same about mine but he was able to lie quite effectively to BS for 14 months where we saw each other for hours at a time 3-5 times a week, including at least 1 weekly overnight for about 5 months straight. And yes, I relate to all the morning, noon and goodnight texts/calls plus texts/calls throughout the day. Really sold the story that I was the love of his life and he just wanted to be in contact all the time. Funny how the demand for legitimacy changes all of that. 1
Author Hope71 Posted July 10, 2019 Author Posted July 10, 2019 You’re right...maybe he did lie..but at this point I don’t even care. It’s all fluff..and the end result is the same. I have some good news.. I got invited to a concert with a guy I met at the barbecue I went to last week. Guess what? I’m going!! Screw MM. I’ll even post pics on FB and make sure he sees them... 1
PhoenixRising8 Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 Awesome!! You go girl!! The best way to get over him is to move on with life. They don't deserve us ... and we sure as heck don't deserve men like that! 1
Author Hope71 Posted July 10, 2019 Author Posted July 10, 2019 @kat.....damn right. I don’t care if it’s petty..lol. I’ve suffered a lot dealing with his functions, dinners, parties etc...it’s MY turn to shine. I’m not looking for anything...I just want to feel free....at last! Lol if you lived near I’d invite you!! 1
PhoenixRising8 Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 We should organize an LS fOW weekend lol. Wonder how many takers we'd have? Naive, WDID, Aloha, SpiceCat, you interested? I suggest Vegas 2
Author Hope71 Posted July 10, 2019 Author Posted July 10, 2019 We should organize an LS fOW weekend lol. Wonder how many takers we'd have? Naive, WDID, Aloha, SpiceCat, you interested? I suggest Vegas Or a cruise!! A singles cruise lol
ExpatInItaly Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 I have some good news.. I got invited to a concert with a guy I met at the barbecue I went to last week. Guess what? I’m going!! Screw MM. I’ll even post pics on FB and make sure he sees them... For your sake, I hope you're being facetious. 2
Maddie82 Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 @kat.. The issue of his W telling his daughter came up yesterday morning. He said he was pissed that his W told her before he had a chance...and she was flying up this weekend. I do believe him, not because I’m naive but because it just doesn’t seem like something he would need to make up. Even if she hadn’t...his decision was probably the same, so it made no sense. I don’t think MM is really a game player...and yes I believe he told his W because she searched my name on google and found out info even he didn’t know. He asked me to verify if was actually my name... Never believe a MM unless you have actual solid proof and evidence. He could have been the one that googled you for all you know. 2
Author Hope71 Posted July 10, 2019 Author Posted July 10, 2019 (edited) @expat.. actually no I was not being facetious . I don’t see anything wrong with posting what I’m actually doing in my life . I had to know and witness all the events MM went on with his wife and accept it. We’re not together anymore I don’t have to care about how he feels . I probably won’t actually do it but I can’t deny that it’s tempting . Also whether or not I believe he told his wife everything is a irrelevant to me because the end result is the same . Edited July 10, 2019 by Hope71
What_Did_I_Do Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 We should organize an LS fOW weekend lol. Wonder how many takers we'd have? Naive, WDID, Aloha, SpiceCat, you interested? I suggest Vegas I'm in!! Hope, I'd post those pictures. These MM's do it all the time - their life gets to carry on. Why can't ours?
Starswillshine Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 @expat.. actually no I was not being facetious . I don’t see anything wrong with posting what I’m actually doing in my life . I had to know and witness all the events MM went on with his wife and accept it. We’re not together anymore I don’t have to care about how he feels . I probably won’t actually do it but I can’t deny that it’s tempting . Also whether or not I believe he told his wife everything is a irrelevant to me because the end result is the same . They say the best way to get over a man is to get under one. Not the healthiest but if it gets you out of a toxic situation, go for it. Just make sure you take some time to heal yourself. But a little companionship never hurt anyone.
Naivewomen Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 I'm in!! Not single but I am in nonetheless:) I live on the East Coast . Does anyone live close?
Author Hope71 Posted July 10, 2019 Author Posted July 10, 2019 I'm in!! Not single but I am in nonetheless:) I live on the East Coast . Does anyone live close? Yes... Florida here!
PhoenixRising8 Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 Perfect for a cruise out of Miami or Fort Lauderdale ... lets go ladies! 1
SophieG Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 Yes... Florida here! The Sunshine State! My God I wish I lived there ahah! I have read your thread, but didn't post anything to this point. I just want to congratulate you. It must not be easy cutting ties with your MM (the multiple threads here is a good sign of that), but in the long run, you'll be much happier. Take time to grieve, repair your heart, and once you'll be healed, the right man (available and all) will come along. You took the first step, and that's huge.
Author Hope71 Posted July 10, 2019 Author Posted July 10, 2019 The Sunshine State! My God I wish I lived there ahah! I have read your thread, but didn't post anything to this point. I just want to congratulate you. It must not be easy cutting ties with your MM (the multiple threads here is a good sign of that), but in the long run, you'll be much happier. Take time to grieve, repair your heart, and once you'll be healed, the right man (available and all) will come along. You took the first step, and that's huge. Thank you Sophie. I’m so glad this forum exists....I sounds extremely optimistic most of the time, but believe me..it hurts. I’m trying to be pragmatic and see it for what it IS and not what I wish it would be. That helps a lot. Also taking responsibility for myself...
SophieG Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 Thank you Sophie. I’m so glad this forum exists....I sounds extremely optimistic most of the time, but believe me..it hurts. I’m trying to be pragmatic and see it for what it IS and not what I wish it would be. That helps a lot. Also taking responsibility for myself... It hurts now, and will hurt for a while. It happens, can't skip that part. But that grief will make you stronger in the end, I'm sure of it. I can't say that I understand what you are going through because I've never been with a married man (and I have a hard time not judging OW, if I'm being honest, but I'm doing my best to be compassionate and understanding). Focus on what you want, and what you deserve... because surely, you deserve someone who will make you their priority and will give you all the love. Someone who won't be tied down, someone who will respect you and put your needs before their own. I surely wish you the best (and still hoped I would live in Florida... winter in Canada s*cks like you wouldn't believe ahah).
Author Hope71 Posted July 10, 2019 Author Posted July 10, 2019 It hurts now, and will hurt for a while. It happens, can't skip that part. But that grief will make you stronger in the end, I'm sure of it. I can't say that I understand what you are going through because I've never been with a married man (and I have a hard time not judging OW, if I'm being honest, but I'm doing my best to be compassionate and understanding). Focus on what you want, and what you deserve... because surely, you deserve someone who will make you their priority and will give you all the love. Someone who won't be tied down, someone who will respect you and put your needs before their own. I surely wish you the best (and still hoped I would live in Florida... winter in Canada s*cks like you wouldn't believe ahah). Thank you Sophie for being compassionate and understanding. Not having been through this yourself says a lot about your character. You’ll find a common theme here. Most of us are loving and caring women..and men. Good people who got caught up in a bad thing. I would love to visit Canada! Crazy I know..lol 1
SpiceCat Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 @expat.. actually no I was not being facetious . I don’t see anything wrong with posting what I’m actually doing in my life . I had to know and witness all the events MM went on with his wife and accept it. We’re not together anymore I don’t have to care about how he feels . I probably won’t actually do it but I can’t deny that it’s tempting . Also whether or not I believe he told his wife everything is a irrelevant to me because the end result is the same . The point was that his reaction does not and should not matter..and why is he not blocked everywhere yet anyway?
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