Naivewomen Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 Amazing Kat!! What a heartfelt post! Link to post Share on other sites
SpiceCat Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 I appreciate the support but where did I say I have hope?? Support does not always come in the form of telling you you're doing everything right. Not saying you said that..but..something to think about. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 After everything, I know I probably don't love him. I know I loved the way he made me feel, the attention and adoration, the support he gave me, the talks, the things we did together, the calls, texts and times together. I loved feeling special, especially after years of feeling invisible to my xH. This realization is a real breakthrough. I can't remember if you have been in I.C. or not, but it seems like you figured this out either way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 9, 2019 Author Share Posted July 9, 2019 First of all thank you all sooooooo much for the comments and support. It helps so much. Being in an A so long is hard because it’s isolating. No one to confide in or celebrate the relationship with. Little update but I’m proud of myself. MM responded to a message I sent him yesterday right after our last discussion. Here’s his reply” I don’t lie to you. I don’t talk sh** about you. I don’t do anything to just get what I want . I do give a damn about you . I love you and you damn well know I do . This is killing me I’m torn into pieces . I’m only trying to do the right thing I feel horrible but nothing I do is right .” That was sent at 8:30 this morning while I was working. I didn’t answer...and won’t. I work tomorrow then off Thurs/ Fri. I wish I had plans for those days. Weekends were always hard for me especially in that affair ... though normally I work weekends . I feel like I have such huge gaps I need to be filling. It sucks. Just makes me realize exactly how much of my life he actually consumed without giving anything back .it makes me angry actually. I hope everyone is doing good. ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 9, 2019 Author Share Posted July 9, 2019 Thank you Kat for that amazing post...it truly helps..I’m so happy you’re doing better. You said MM would always come back with excuses.... did he actually have a D day or did you ever find out? I don’t think I can trust MM again...so I don’t think I can talk to him. I’m definitely deep in the hurt and angry stage. Link to post Share on other sites
Beentheretoooften Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 Hi Hope. I’ve been following your story on here since it started. Almost coincided with me registering on here, but I’ve been reading for at least a month+. Even though we are on different sides, I understand the isolation part you mentioned. All these good feelings etc, has to be kept to just you 2, where you just want to scream about how great it is. Boy I do get that. In addition, filling the empty time was a huge problem for me. Basically, work day hours to fill. Almost an extra job. Between texts, calls and FaceTime and then time together, I have all these hours to just spin my wheels. Not to even mention the secret language we had too. I’m starting to realize, that even though I thought my A was different than others because of how I felt, it’s really the same when you peel everything away. I haven’t taken too many harsh words, but when they do come, it does make it more difficult and makes me sad. There are many posters opening up themselves as to where they are, and sometimes it feels like ‘they’ swoop in. Take those for what they are. Listen to the people that you feel like they actually care and have compassion for you. Those are the ones where you will find courage. I disagree with a few here in that I do believe that he could love you. That text he sent you, I still think he’s being honest. Unless he is just so evil, he is being truthful and It is possible that he is so confused. It is not something that is just so easy to decide. It would be such a life changing choice. That’s it’s, whatever happens I am rooting for you and sending you strength. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 9, 2019 Author Share Posted July 9, 2019 @beentheretoooften... Thank you so much for your sweet response. I believe MM is being truthful but it doesn’t hurt any less. For the last year he’s been promising me and begging me to wait it,out...that he loves me..blah blah blah...and of course in the end he caves. I told him he’s a text book MM. they all are at the core. MM swears he wants to be with me, but he has to stay and try to make it work. I have no interest in standing on the sidelines like a jackass helping him make his marriage better. In some ways I already have ....I’m done being used. I want to be first...in a normal...open relationship. I deserve that...period. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MINAKO Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 I have no interest in standing on the sidelines like a jackass helping him make his marriage better. In some ways I already have ....I’m done being used. I want to be first...in a normal...open relationship. I deserve that...period. I do not really answer to marriage threads since I do not have experiences with that but, I just want to say I am happy you are in this place right now. You absolutely deserve better and he absolutely does not take you seriously enough to make it openly work out with you. The faster he becomes apart of your past, the faster you can meet someone who will actually cherish you and not play games, especially while already married. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 9, 2019 Author Share Posted July 9, 2019 I decided after waiting a full day...to respond to MM”s message to me this morning. I thought out carefully what I would say because I dint want to ramble ..so here what I said. It took me a while to respond to this.. I really think this is for the best.i need to be single and get my life in order. I’m probably going to be moving at the end of the year. Change will be really good for me. I respect that you’re trying to work things out. Hopefully it will be ok. I love you, and I probably always will.. So I kept it short, sweet and to the point..but I think actually agreeing with his decision is best. I know he didn’t deserve that.. but I did it more for me, than for him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SpiceCat Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 Will you block him now? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 (edited) Even though we are on different sides, I understand the isolation part you mentioned. All these good feelings etc, has to be kept to just you 2, where you just want to scream about how great it is. Boy I do get that. In addition, filling the empty time was a huge problem for me. Basically, work day hours to fill. Almost an extra job. Between texts, calls and FaceTime and then time together, I have all these hours to just spin my wheels. Not to even mention the secret language we had too. I’m starting to realize, that even though I thought my A was different than others because of how I felt, it’s really the same when you peel everything away. I haven’t taken too many harsh words, but when they do come, it does make it more difficult and makes me sad. There are many posters opening up themselves as to where they are, and sometimes it feels like ‘they’ swoop in. Take those for what they are. Listen to the people that you feel like they actually care and have compassion for you. Those are the ones where you will find courage. I disagree with a few here in that I do believe that he could love you. That text he sent you, I still think he’s being honest. Unless he is just so evil, he is being truthful and It is possible that he is so confused. It is not something that is just so easy to decide. It would be such a life changing choice. That’s it’s, whatever happens I am rooting for you and sending you strength. You are in some ways different from Hope's and my xMM. you didn't make promises you couldn't or wouldn't keep. That's a huge difference. You didn't over-promise and under-deliver and I can respect that. I think in the case of our xMMs, while their feelings were genuine (and I believe they are/were), its the leading us down the garden path of a future as a real couple that makes them different and in many ways despicable, angering and unforgivable. My A started as we both intended to keep our marriages intact. Before I split for good with xH, HE (xMM) changed the rules of engagement and wanted out of his marriage. Because of what my xH did to our daughter, I could no longer stay with him, although I had intended to stay in the marriage for financial reasons. xMM led me to believe he was just as miserable as I was AND he initiated the "us between now and forever" talk, so I had no real reason to doubt him. He even went so far as to tell BS, the kids and BFFs he wanted to exit the marriage. That was not just him selling me a bill of goods as I was privy to phone conversations, texts, emails and letters between him and those various people. Then after he tells them he starts to backtrack. Because of my own experience with conflict in to leave or not to leave I gave him a wide berth. But in the end, he couldn't or wouldn't go through with it. Doesn't matter, net result is the same. I think it's the future faking and the broken promises that MM are prone to utter that results in much of the lashing out you see on these threads. If you didn't do that, it doesn't apply to you. This is what has resulted in my dislike of xMM. That he could make promises to someone he knew loved him, adored him and was so vulnerable, despite his feelings for me, is what led me to completely disrespect and dislike him. But he really did nothing worse to me than he did to his BS. Edited July 10, 2019 by LilKatKat Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 (edited) I believe MM is being truthful but it doesn’t hurt any less. For the last year he’s been promising me and begging me to wait it,out...that he loves me..blah blah blah...and of course in the end he caves. I told him he’s a text book MM. they all are at the core. MM swears he wants to be with me, but he has to stay and try to make it work. I have no interest in standing on the sidelines like a jackass helping him make his marriage better. In some ways I already have ....I’m done being used. I want to be first...in a normal...open relationship. I deserve that...period. My xMM told BS, kids and BFFs without any prompting from me. I was actually surprised when he did because we had just spent the entire morning and a bit of the afternoon together and he said nothing about his intention to do so. (I know he actually did because I was privy to phone conversations, texts etc that verified he had in fact asked for a D). Everything went along OK while I gave him time and space to "work through the uncoupling". We broke up and got back together but when we did, I told him he had no longer than the end of June but in the meantime, it was hands off, platonic only and he was fine with that. After 6 weeks, it was hands on lol and he immediately started waffling again. That was it. My patience and excuse making days were over. You had the exact same experience. As soon as you insisted you weren't going to be the dirty little secret any longer, poof, he's gone. Yes he told you he confessed to BS, but did he really? Do you have any proof? I actually find it hard to believe that BS wants to make the marriage work but at the same time she tells the daughter, ensuring his relationship with the daughter is damaged before they even have a chance to work it out. Seems somewhat counter-intuitive. You would think BS would keep that to herself to avoid issues with the daughter so that BS and WH can work on saving the marriage without the added angst with the child. Had I been in her shoes and wanted to work on the marriage I would have been concerned telling the daughter would make him resent me and less prone to working on it. Something just doesn't add up in the story. I have a hunch it was just that ... a story, designed to placate you and put you in your place except you didn't play ball the way he hoped. Think about that if and when you ever get a weak moment wanting to reach out or respond to any advances by him. Edit to ask: Did he go on vacation alone or with BS? If he went with BS, that just makes his whole "I told her" story that much less plausible. Mine went on vacation with his BS and that really was the beginning of the end. Edited July 10, 2019 by LilKatKat Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 10, 2019 Author Share Posted July 10, 2019 @kat.. The issue of his W telling his daughter came up yesterday morning. He said he was pissed that his W told her before he had a chance...and she was flying up this weekend. I do believe him, not because I’m naive but because it just doesn’t seem like something he would need to make up. Even if she hadn’t...his decision was probably the same, so it made no sense. I don’t think MM is really a game player...and yes I believe he told his W because she searched my name on google and found out info even he didn’t know. He asked me to verify if was actually my name... Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 None of us know for sure if what MMs tell us is true, unless we have proof. You may think he doesn't have a good game face but let's face it, his game face is good enough to have gotten away with cheating for 3 years. I thought the same about mine but he was able to lie quite effectively to BS for 14 months where we saw each other for hours at a time 3-5 times a week, including at least 1 weekly overnight for about 5 months straight. And yes, I relate to all the morning, noon and goodnight texts/calls plus texts/calls throughout the day. Really sold the story that I was the love of his life and he just wanted to be in contact all the time. Funny how the demand for legitimacy changes all of that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 10, 2019 Author Share Posted July 10, 2019 You’re right...maybe he did lie..but at this point I don’t even care. It’s all fluff..and the end result is the same. I have some good news.. I got invited to a concert with a guy I met at the barbecue I went to last week. Guess what? I’m going!! Screw MM. I’ll even post pics on FB and make sure he sees them...? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 Awesome!! You go girl!! The best way to get over him is to move on with life. They don't deserve us ... and we sure as heck don't deserve men like that! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 10, 2019 Author Share Posted July 10, 2019 @kat.....damn right. I don’t care if it’s petty..lol. I’ve suffered a lot dealing with his functions, dinners, parties etc...it’s MY turn to shine. I’m not looking for anything...I just want to feel free....at last! Lol if you lived near I’d invite you!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 We should organize an LS fOW weekend lol. Wonder how many takers we'd have? Naive, WDID, Aloha, SpiceCat, you interested? I suggest Vegas 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 10, 2019 Author Share Posted July 10, 2019 We should organize an LS fOW weekend lol. Wonder how many takers we'd have? Naive, WDID, Aloha, SpiceCat, you interested? I suggest Vegas Or a cruise!! A singles cruise lol Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 Yes! That would be fun ? let’s do it lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 I decided after waiting a full day...to respond to MM”s message to me this morning. I thought out carefully what I would say because I dint want to ramble ..so here what I said. It took me a while to respond to this.. I really think this is for the best.i need to be single and get my life in order. I’m probably going to be moving at the end of the year. Change will be really good for me. I respect that you’re trying to work things out. Hopefully it will be ok. I love you, and I probably always will.. So I kept it short, sweet and to the point..but I think actually agreeing with his decision is best. I know he didn’t deserve that.. but I did it more for me, than for him. Nice progress Hope!!! I’m clapping for your strength! Stay strong - stay busy! Consider blocking him... there’s nothing he will say that benefits you now. His post shows he’s thinking of how HE feels. He’s selfish! Sign up for a painting class... anything artsy! Art therapy is a great outlet for emotions! Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 I have some good news.. I got invited to a concert with a guy I met at the barbecue I went to last week. Guess what? I’m going!! Screw MM. I’ll even post pics on FB and make sure he sees them...? For your sake, I hope you're being facetious. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 @kat.. The issue of his W telling his daughter came up yesterday morning. He said he was pissed that his W told her before he had a chance...and she was flying up this weekend. I do believe him, not because I’m naive but because it just doesn’t seem like something he would need to make up. Even if she hadn’t...his decision was probably the same, so it made no sense. I don’t think MM is really a game player...and yes I believe he told his W because she searched my name on google and found out info even he didn’t know. He asked me to verify if was actually my name... Never believe a MM unless you have actual solid proof and evidence. He could have been the one that googled you for all you know. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 10, 2019 Author Share Posted July 10, 2019 (edited) @expat.. actually no I was not being facetious . I don’t see anything wrong with posting what I’m actually doing in my life . I had to know and witness all the events MM went on with his wife and accept it. We’re not together anymore I don’t have to care about how he feels . I probably won’t actually do it but I can’t deny that it’s tempting . Also whether or not I believe he told his wife everything is a irrelevant to me because the end result is the same . Edited July 10, 2019 by Hope71 Link to post Share on other sites
What_Did_I_Do Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 We should organize an LS fOW weekend lol. Wonder how many takers we'd have? Naive, WDID, Aloha, SpiceCat, you interested? I suggest Vegas I'm in!! Hope, I'd post those pictures. These MM's do it all the time - their life gets to carry on. Why can't ours? Link to post Share on other sites
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