Author Hope71 Posted July 24, 2019 Author Share Posted July 24, 2019 I do recognize that. I also realize people are human and they screw up ... and they don’t always make the right choices . I certainly havent. For that I am actually truly sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 Just wanted to say that I wish you best, I truly do. I believe we are all here wanting the best for other posters. We have all read so many horrible stories here, and we all have our own. We are all very leery about the people on these stories. I know for myself, I can sense your excitement and like a mom, I just want to protect you. Maybe all will be well. As I said, we dont know him. However, I dont believe you do either. Most people have found our way to LS because we have been hurt, and we know that awful feeling. But I also know being negative Nancy and telling someone it will never work out, that they are being naive, etc isnt helpful either. So best of luck. Either way. Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 you have to give him some credit for being able to confess the truth (however awful it is) so that he could begin to work through the issues. So many MM have gone just down the route of hiding and sweeping things under the rug because they are conflict avoidant (and likely what led them to the A if the first place). Either way, damn if they do. Damn if they don't. Agreed. I’m seeing a number of points of resonance here with my own history. * My H was with his xBW for a similar length of time. * Our A lasted a similar amount of time. * My H also disclosed the A to his then-BW. But there are some points of difference, too: * His kids were younger at the time (teens). They were supportive. They chose to live with him when he moved out. * His friends and family were supportive - they all knew us as a couple during the A. He had support. He was not on his own against everybody. * He saw a counsellor, who overwhelmingly supported his decision to leave. I think the broad base of support made a huge difference. Hope, IDK if your partner has some friends / colleagues / family who are supporting him, or supporting the two of you as a couple. But when you have people banging away with the dominant narrative - about breaking up such a long-running marriage - hearing the supportive counter-narrative can make a big difference. Whichever way things work out for you, I hope you land on your feet. You seem to have a sensible approach. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 (edited) I just don’t think he is a flat out liar it’s just not his character. Again, he’s lied to his wife and daughter every single day for years. It most certainly is his character. If you choose to take him in when he shows up at your door, just remember that. Edited July 24, 2019 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 24, 2019 Author Share Posted July 24, 2019 Just wanted to say that I wish you best, I truly do. I believe we are all here wanting the best for other posters. We have all read so many horrible stories here, and we all have our own. We are all very leery about the people on these stories. I know for myself, I can sense your excitement and like a mom, I just want to protect you. Maybe all will be well. As I said, we dont know him. However, I dont believe you do either. Most people have found our way to LS because we have been hurt, and we know that awful feeling. But I also know being negative Nancy and telling someone it will never work out, that they are being naive, etc isnt helpful either. So best of luck. Either way. Thank you for this SWS. Who knows what will happen? Maybe we will be happy..l.maybe not but I’m willing to try. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 24, 2019 Author Share Posted July 24, 2019 Update: Talked to MM when he left work...on his way to a meeting. He asked me to book a flight for him this weekend to come and see me. He even gave me his AMX card number because he was in a rush...so I did. So.....I guess it’s a go... his wife had booked a trip for them at the end of August to go to Bermuda and he said she could cancel it or go with someone else if she wants to... Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 Just got caught up in all the recent development and can I ask if you verified the location of the hotel? I ask because honestly my first thought was not that he's left his wife but that he's taking advantage of a business trip, especially as you already have the expectation of him returning to the family home to work. As for the vacation, easily explained by a work trip excuse to the BW. I'm not saying this to try to start an argument it it truly seemed an obvious option. I'm not saying he hasn't left but if he lives in a different state I wouldn't be doing anything, including going on trips with him until you see proof of the divorce. Not just the papers which can easily be gotten hold of but the actual process. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 24, 2019 Author Share Posted July 24, 2019 MM would never fly to visit me in the past...his W checks all the credit card statements and he would have to have a valid excuse for traveling without her. The reason I believe him is because he gave me his AMX number without hesitation. He works and his wife does not she is been the one in charge of paying for everything with their credit cards . I would never take a vantage of the situation or of the information he gave me ...But that is a huge indicator that he is not being deceitful. I understand why you would think that though . Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 If you decide to stick it out with your MM and see him through his seperation and divorce then you have a long road ahead of you with many of twists and turns. It will get much worse before it gets better and even if he really does divorce you still might not get your happily ever after. I always caution against getting involved with a newly separated man even if there was no affair involved because there is so many emotions and unresolved issues and things can sideways at any second. Obviously the first risk is that he could panic and return home at any second. I've seen married people reconcile even a couple of years after they separated. If by some miracle he doesn't go home then he will grieve his marriage and he may be surprised by how hard that grief hits him. When that happens he will be all over the place. He will be promising you the world one day and then be cold and distant with you the next. Every time he pushes you away you will be full of anxiety and stress, wondering what it means and what he is going to do next. He will stay in involved with his wife for awhile, out of guilt, or obligation, or just plain missing her. Or perhaps he and his wife will hate each other and have a nasty divorce and he will wear you down with his negativity and resentment. You will grow sick of hearing him complain and of being expected to support him while nobody is supporting you. If you complain or look like you are withdrawing he will be quick to remind you that he gave up everything FOR YOU. If everyone in his circle disapproves of his affair and your role then he will continue to hide you and treat you like a mistress. Then if you two manage to get through the divorce and his roller coaster of mixed emotions it will be onto the next stage. This is when he'll realize that he's free and single for the first time in decades. At this point he may come to resent feeling tied down to a relationship with you. Here he is already trapped in a new relationship without even getting a taste of being single. He will begin to notice all the single ladies and if he is halfway decent looking and self sufficient they will notice him too. Most women weren't interested in him while he was married but now that he's divorced suddenly there will be plenty of women to pick from and it would be easier to start over with a brand new woman because his family, daughter and friends will be more accepting of someone new over the one he had an affair with. And on your side things might also begin looking mighty different. You think you know his character, you think you know him well but in fact most of your relationship has been carried out online and over the phone with some romantic in person visits here and there. There is plenty you don't know about this man. Having conversations and sexual intimacy is only a fraction of knowing someone. If you get him fulltime you will realize that you didn't fully know him during the affair and you might not like what you learn about him. However you do know that he is fully capable of cheating and lying for years on end. You are willing to overlook that right now because your focused on getting him out of his marriage and having him to yourself but once that's accomplished it will eat you up. I know that all sounds very negative and I can't know for sure what will happen. Yes there are exceptions and I could be very wrong. For your sake I hope I am. However it is highly unlikely that this man will just walk away from a 33yr marriage and go straight into a healthy and rewarding relationship with you. People just don't work that way. If you stick this out be prepared for more pain and misery. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 24, 2019 Author Share Posted July 24, 2019 @anika...thank you for that sobering post. I will not lie part of me is very scared of what will happen . He also told me he is scared but honestly I would be worried if he wasn’t . I am in no way expecting this to be a cakewalk . I’m trying to give him some space and know that I am not expecting him to dive into a full-fledged relationship because I know that’s unrealistic . I know he is going to definitely miss parts of his marriage .. and I need to give him the space to do that and not take it personal even though it will be hard . I will not be making any grand predictions about how we are going to live happily ever after because that likely is not going to happen .. I know I’m in for some ups and downs and it’s not just him I go up and down also because I don’t like the idea of hurting anyone . Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 I just worry about you getting so emotionally involved again. He just left his wife and running to you. I know how hard it is to try to keep some space especially since you have been waiting for this for so long, so I get it. Completely. But I am afraid of the possibility that he goes there and then returns back home... to his wife. I believe he probably has fully left the home. And some people leave for good. I left for good. (But it was a lot of throwing him out, and then discussing it over before the move out day and giving him more time). I wasnt fully divorced when I got involved with my boyfriend who refused to pursue more than our friendship until my divorce was final. He kept his emotional distance knowing how common it is to go back. Just be careful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 24, 2019 Author Share Posted July 24, 2019 (edited) I just worry about you getting so emotionally involved again. He just left his wife and running to you. I know how hard it is to try to keep some space especially since you have been waiting for this for so long, so I get it. Completely. But I am afraid of the possibility that he goes there and then returns back home... to his wife..... If MM follows through with his plan to fly down, I will be clear with him about this exactly. Even though it was ultimately his decision to leave I do bear some responsibility for that decision. I need him to know that even though he left or is leaving that he needs time to work through all of this and I don’t want to abandon him but I can be there for him as a friend. The good thing is we do have a pretty deep friendship and I just don’t want him to think he gave up everything or half of everything for me to say I can’t be with him . I think he does understand when we talk about it . It’s going to be a balancing act for a while . Hopefully I can post here and try to navigate through it as best I can . Edited July 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 24, 2019 Author Share Posted July 24, 2019 This is what he told you right? It isn’t proof that’s what actually happened. It’s just what he told you. Yes... and based on all the facts I have zero reason to doubt him at this point . He doesn’t have any reason to lie to me anymore he’s already went back twice if he wants to go back he knows he has the freedom to do so I’m not going to keep him hostage . Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 24, 2019 Author Share Posted July 24, 2019 I’m on my way into work. I will post if anything changes. For now I’m just trying to keep my head on straight...thank you everyone for all your advice. It’s been very helpful. ?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 24, 2019 Author Share Posted July 24, 2019 (edited) So why not step away and stay completely out of it until he gets it finalized?..... Do you think he can go through this on his own or do you think he’s depending on you to be his sounding board every step of the way? I think MM wants to include me but I do not think he’s depending on me he knows that he’s responsible for dealing with this whole process I think he just wants me there for support not necessarily for every single thing . Edited July 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 (edited) @anika...thank you for that sobering post. I will not lie part of me is very scared of what will happen . He also told me he is scared but honestly I would be worried if he wasn’t .... Well hopefully if his wife did kick him out or he left she is done with him this time and won't take him back even if he begs. Edited July 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 (edited) If you decide to stick it out with your MM and see him through his seperation and divorce then you have a long road ahead of you with many of twists and turns. It will get much worse before it gets better and even if he really does divorce you still might not get your happily ever after. I always caution against getting involved with a newly separated man even if there was no affair involved because there is so many emotions and unresolved issues and things can sideways at any second. Obviously the first risk is that he could panic and return home at any second. I've seen married people reconcile even a couple of years after they separated. If by some miracle he doesn't go home then he will grieve his marriage and he may be surprised by how hard that grief hits him. When that happens he will be all over the place..... ^^^ Thank you so much for a such a well written post. I do think that it's impossible to jump from one very long term relationship to the next without a break to sort and grieve out what's been lost. Edited July 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Beentheretoooften Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 @Anika. That post just helped me tremendously too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Abetterme Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 I am in no way expecting this to be a cakewalk . I’m trying to give him some space and know that I am not expecting him to dive into a full-fledged relationship because I know that’s unrealistic . I know he is going to definitely miss parts of his marriage .. and I need to give him the space to do that and not take it personal even though it will be hard . I will not be making any grand predictions about how we are going to live happily ever after because that likely is not going to happen .. I know I’m in for some ups and downs and it’s not just him I go up and down also because I don’t like the idea of hurting anyone . Hi Hope - With all due respect, you’re not giving him space. You’re welcoming him with open arms. I’m rooting for you, and ultimately all we care about is that those involved can move forward in a happy and healthy way. There was a lot of good advice about not being with him until things are on firmer footing and that went out the window when he said he wanted to see you. I feel like you’re headed for disaster having him to your home with this trip and you’ll have a giant disappointment when no filing happens. I know it feels good to have him running to you, but continue to read threads here and prepare yourself for a pullback after he sees you. I know it feels like if you put up a boundary he won’t think you want him and will go back to his W, but really it is protecting yourself Hope. He will be with you even if you do if that is truly his intention. All the best! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 It can go wrong. It can work out. No need to speculate. Just work with the facts, OP. As of right now, he’s made a choice, told his wife, moved out temporarily, and everything is pretty much out in the open. All good signs, IF you’re interested in an open relationship with this man. Divorces happen all the time, for various reasons, they are dragged out for various reasons....money, children, etc. And then they happen. Or not. It all depends on so many factors. This is just my personal, non-judgmental opinion. It’s important to look at the situation with as little emotion as possible, especially when you’re in the middle of it. Occasionally I get the impression that many posters here sound like they’re more emotionally involved than the OP herself. Anyhow - my R worked out for me personally, and I was in a similar situation. Similar duration of M, more or less grown kids involved, several hiccups, and then it happened. They just had to work through it. Ending their M, and detangling a life that they shared for a long time, was not easy, esp for his now xW. In your particular case I would exercise some caution because of the following factors: the wife doesn’t seem to be on board with D (yet), the adult daughter is way too emotionally involved, and you guys live in different states, which is difficult if you want to maintain a friendship/relationship. OTOH it could be to your advantage, if you want to (and you should) stay out of all of their separation/divorce discussions/proceedings/drama/difficulties and whatnot. Good luck! You have my support. Thinking of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 I don't know if I missed it but did you ever have a plan for the possibility that he left. I mean as you live in different states am I wrong in thinking you will remain in a LDR at least in the beginning, or at least till things settle down? What then? At some point will one of you pack up their entire life, leave their home, family, friends and job, essentially their packing up their:confused: life to start again? Have you discussed who will make the sacrifice if it comes to this? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 Hi Hope - With all due respect, you’re not giving him space. You’re welcoming him with open arms. This. Your arms are open and there is a smile from ear to ear on your face... Be careful. It’s really easy to want to “support him” during the divorce, but what you may be doing is providing a crutch to help him - this may or may not be to your advantage, if he decides to return to his wife or seek out other opportunities. It may not even be intentional on his part, but you will have given him everything, and you could end up with very little in return. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 Update: Talked to MM when he left work...on his way to a meeting. He asked me to book a flight for him this weekend to come and see me. He even gave me his AMX card number because he was in a rush...so I did. So.....I guess it’s a go... his wife had booked a trip for them at the end of August to go to Bermuda and he said she could cancel it or go with someone else if she wants to... How long is he staying? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 25, 2019 Author Share Posted July 25, 2019 (edited) @S2B.... Not sure why you always go to the negative....maybe a little more support?. Edited July 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope71 Posted July 25, 2019 Author Share Posted July 25, 2019 How long is he staying? Fri, sat...leaving Sunday evening.. and I work all weekend so I’m actually squeezing him in . Link to post Share on other sites
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