Can I trust her?

[Runiker]

I met a women who I belive in my heart to be the right one for me and me and her match up on pretty much everything including hobbies, interests, movies, nerd-ism, anime bedroom kinks (Even the messed up ones) all seem to line up and we are really head over heels for each other however it seems the biggest issue that keeps popping up is my personal paranoid mindset however i am not sure if it is me being paranoid or if something is going on. So I need advice please because I want us to last we are supposed to be getting married here in October but I fear we wont make it another month at this rate.

 

 

A little background on her and what she tells me when I have confronted her in the past about this issue. In her past relationships her SO had controlled almost everything she did including telling her who she can and can not talk to and alienated her from all her friends and family. Then he went and spread stuff about her so that people would dislike her so that he was all she had. After doing that he proceeded to cheat on her among other numerous things but the controlling is the main part I need to cover here.

 

 

 

Another part I think you need to know Four months ago she was off her meds and talking to her ex daily and when she was doing this she became distant and things seemed off. Come to find out she had made plans to dump me and try and take him back. For argument sake lets call him Gary. It was to the point she was writing all over her diary and notebook that he was her soul mate not me and that he was her true love and how she hopes he can forgive her and get a second chance so they can be a happy family. After confronting her that things were going way off and asking why we were arguing like that she did show me however it now sticks in my mind. So after a little while she agreed that he was toxic and manipulative to her and had been playing games and because of that she would have me in the room when she talked to him or would show me the messages. (Needless to say it never got followed)

 

 

 

So the current issue now is that she has always had her own phone even before we dated and honestly that was not an issue. After we became official she gave me the code to her phone and such in case I ever needed to get on it. About 3 months ago I gave her my old Iphone and that seems to be when the issues started. She locked me out of the phone and thier had been some arguments when she was getting 1-3AM calls and texts from Gary she would tell me not to worry she would promise me it was only about her son and come to find out it was more then just her son so then I asked to see the messages and she started to freak and she said she accidentally deleted the messages before she could give me the phone and when I told her I could restore the messages she did not want me to have the phone at all but still claims to this day it was an accident. Finally I gave up and said you know what I am going to go out on a limb and trust her she has not lied to me yet. and I told her that I would trust her until she lied or gave me a reason not to.

 

 

skipping ahead to about a week or two ago me and her were rocky and tried to have an us day but it seemed she was going to her phone with every excuse she could muster. I understand talking to her mother or family if need be. I let it slide because I did not want to fight. I just asked her if she was talking about me or was talking to her exs and told her i was worried she was gonna leave me. SHe assured me everything was fine. The next day I asked her to spend time with me and go on a walk. On this walk we went to the local gas station and the whole way thier and while in it she was distracted with her phone and smiling and laughing at the phone so I asked her who it was and her response was a friend. I confronted her and told her the only time she says that is when its Gary. I asked her three times and she said no and even said Roman the last time I asked her. We walked a good half hour she keeps it up with the phone and so I asked her what the deal was and then she told me that it was Gary admitting she lied to me. She said she lied so I wouldn't be upset. My response was to finish shopping and told her we would talk on the way home. On the way home I had told her i dont know how I can trust you now and I am so afraid you lied about more then just that. I told her I would have to think on what to do from here and we would talk at home.

 

 

 

 

Well we ran into a friend so we got a pack of smokes from the house and agreed to talk more about it on the way to the fair grounds where our friend was gonna meet us at. I flat out asked her if I could see her messages for last few days because I was worried she lied about more then that and she agreed and did not argue in the slightest however she said she did not want to ruin our walk to fairgrounds and asked if we could when we got home. I said as long as its as soon as we get home. she agreed to it until about almost an hour later on our way back home she said she was really hungry and needed to eat first before it and wanted to put off the phone even more and i reluctantly said that is fine as long as you dont use it until after we do because of last time when you deleted messages. Again she agreed to it without complaint. So we got home and she ate then asked me how far back I was going to look and I said im not sure depends on what I see if i dont see anything to cause alarm 3 days max it will take 10 -15 minutes tops. Then she made me send our guest home for this and that seemed very odd to me.

 

 

When we did sit down she opened it to the facebook of Gary and was scrolling up well she was scrolling fast and I seen she made comments like I am horney and was asking for pictures and also asked him how he would like her to do her hair. As soon as I seen that I was on edge and she realized it too and then scrolled down the convo and argued with me because she didnt want me to see that part saying I only wanted 3 days so I shouldnt need to see that. It started a huge heated argument where she said I never asked her how she felt about showing me and that me asking to see the convo between her and her exs was unreasnable and that ended up to point I just told her that we need to do it the next day however I would like it if she didnt use her phone so she cant be deleting stuff from it. Next day comes she was on her phone taking it to bathroom and what not. Thing was she didnt know that I seen her phone ding that morning of another ex (Dick) who she told me she blocked come in 4 times in a row asking if he was okay to talk to her now (Kinda like asking if I was watching her or something). Anyways we get into a little disagreement because she took phone in bathroom and then she sends me screenshots of her Facebook messenger conversations she had with several people.

 

 

What I seen was the full messages from and too Gary that seemed borderline sketchy for just an ex who she only wants contact to see and talk to her son however what I did not expect was to see that Roman had messaged her however his messages to her was highly inappropriate saying things like I dont care if you are with Harry you are my twin flame and soul mate and telling her all the ways he could treat her better asking her to stay the night then when she says she has to ask me he starts off with your a big girl you can decide for your own sake. She then told him that she even asks to go for a walk at night (Bad side of town) and to have friends over (Kinda courtesy to ask). The other tipping point is what she did not send was the messages from Dick. I asked to see them and she admitted to deleting them and told me she blocked him.

 

 

Now she did give me permission to tell off Roman and so I did however he sent her another message and a long one about he just cares and loves her and she is her own person and so on. She had told me she blocked Dick however I seen a message from him asking if he should text her and if its better that way so she did not block him.

 

 

With my history of a few ex's pulling these types of things to only find out she was cheating on me all along my mindset has really been low and I have been depressed wondering if I am good enough is today the day she leaves me and just kinda waiting for the other shoe to fall. If she is lying and covering up secrets already what does that say about us as a couple? I do have Bi-Polar depressions among other issues that is causing me to be really paranoid and I cant sleep soundly and I am having horrid night terrors from all this stress.

 

 

So what all is your guys advice?

Is it unreasonable for me to ask to see phone?

Is it all just in my head? Am I freaking out over nothing?

 

What steps can I take to help with this?

 

 

P.S. I really really want to make things work and would like to fix things and try to work it out rather then just go NEXT.... I really need help any help at this point I am honestly at tears at the end of this letter.....

[preraph]

Well, don't marry her! You literally have no reason to trust her at this point. She seems determined to flirt with Gary behind your back. You're in a bad situation because she hates to be controlled, so each time you monitor her, that's controlling, so you are in a no-win situation because SHE is not cooperating and is more or less forcing you to need to find out things by her actions. You will never be rid of Gary if they share a child.

 

 

Seriously, my best advice is simply do not marry her! My second piece of advice is tell her you're not marrying her because you are tired of feeling you have to monitor her and haven't been happy with the results when you have and mostly that you don't want to become that guy but feel she left you no choice, so now the wedding is off. I don't think you can trust her to shut it down with Gary no matter what since they have a kid together. So it's not an ultimatim, but it's you letting her know that it was her actions, not yours, that made you not trust her and call off the engagement.

[smackie9]

People who lie, always claim to be victimized by their last partner to gain sympathy and trust...that they were cheated on/wronged. That's called projecting. They are the one that victimized their partner...and guess what, it's happening to you. Before you know it, they are accusing you of being controlling when you have some questions about legitimate things, etc.

 

Don't marry her even tho you think everything is aligned, ..... it's not, not by a long shot. Your focus is in the wrong place. The lying/dishonesty and her selfishness should be enough for you to gtf out of there....run don't walk!

[loversquarrel]

You sir are in an ideal situation. You have a golden opportunity to escape a world of hurt, now seize it. She is not th he marrying type.