OneStepLeft Posted July 7, 2019 Share Posted July 7, 2019 Hello, Newbie here to your forum and I have been looking around. My husband and I have been married since age 19. We do have a few kids but they are older so no little ones. We are in our mid 30s. Im sexual and i think he is ASexual. Hes never been a big person on sex. While we have had sex obviously it was always when i started it. He never asked for sex even early in our marriage. We haven't had sex in well im not sure how long 3-4 years? Its not like hes cheating he is home 24/7. Honestly if i told him i was going to find sex else where he wouldn't care. I've even thought he was gay. Ive brought it up with him. He says he isn't interested in sex with any one not male or female. I feel like while i do love him im going to go nuts. While i have never looked into having an affair i cant say it hasn't crossed my mind. I feel cheated like why should i stay in the marriage when im unhappy with my self life and he is ok with no sex. Am i crazy? Im happy with every aspect of the marriage just not the absence of sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted July 7, 2019 Share Posted July 7, 2019 Has he been to a doctor to get a complete blood work up to make sure there is nothing physical going on? He may have too low testosterone levels for instance? If you are not happy or, as you say, he won't care if you have other lovers then why don't you tell him that is what you are going to do, discuss boundaries if he's really "okay" or discuss why it's not. If he isn't okay with you doing that then he needs to get both physical and if that's not the case then mental professional help. If he won't do that then why not consider divorce while you are still young enough to find someone who you are compatible with in sexual ways as well as all the rest? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 7, 2019 Share Posted July 7, 2019 Why is he at home 24/7? It's very unusual and I'm wondering if it's related to physical or mental health....which could in turn be related to sexual health. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 7, 2019 Share Posted July 7, 2019 ^ good question. Maybe now the kids are gone is time to get out and about and have sex if you want to. It could stir up some drama, though. It always can. I'd go nuts having someone home 24/7. I do not think whatever it is is going to change. Seems to have gone from bad to worse and no interest at all. Could he have ED and just not want to have sex because he's pretty sure he can't? I mean, that's about all I can think of. And I'd hope he'd have talked to a doc about it at some point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OneStepLeft Posted July 8, 2019 Author Share Posted July 8, 2019 You do bring up a good point about mental health. He is currently awaiting some sort of test results. We had spoke to our DR and apparently there is some sort of DNA test you can take now and they try and match you with medicine for depression and anxiety. I am not sure if he has has his testosterone tested but he can bring that up with the doc. I guess the only reason i have not been with another man is even if he gives the ok i feel like im doing something wrong. But like i said i have thought about going for it. .... Link to post Share on other sites
Author OneStepLeft Posted July 8, 2019 Author Share Posted July 8, 2019 He is home 24/7 because we own a business and we work from home. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OneStepLeft Posted July 8, 2019 Author Share Posted July 8, 2019 ^ good question. Maybe now the kids are gone is time to get out and about and have sex if you want to. It could stir up some drama, though. It always can. I'd go nuts having someone home 24/7. I do not think whatever it is is going to change. Seems to have gone from bad to worse and no interest at all. Could he have ED and just not want to have sex because he's pretty sure he can't? I mean, that's about all I can think of. And I'd hope he'd have talked to a doc about it at some point. Sorry about multiple post just trying to figure it out how to reply in order. A few years back he did talk to a doctor and prescribed him medicine for ED although i dont think he has actually issues with the equipment he never got a refill on the medicine and said he doesn't have that sort of issue he said he just doesn't care for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 8, 2019 Share Posted July 8, 2019 I guess the only reason i have not been with another man is even if he gives the ok i feel like im doing something wrong. But like i said i have thought about going for it. .... Why would you bring this level of drama and craziness into your life when a more straightforward divorce better addresses your concerns? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted July 8, 2019 Share Posted July 8, 2019 (edited) Why would you bring this level of drama and craziness into your life when a more straightforward divorce better addresses your concerns? Mr. Lucky Well, what is drama for some, is a solution for others. There are a whole slew of reasons why one would stay with a spouse they love, have a business with and with whom they are good life partners in general. Divorcing over one issue (sex) can also be just as drama filled (if not more). If Op is thinking about doing it then it would be a whole lot better to do it above board rather than on the down low. Anyway: I look forward to reading the Op's response to your question. Edited July 8, 2019 by Beendaredonedat 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 8, 2019 Share Posted July 8, 2019 If Op is thinking about doing it then it would be a whole lot better to do it above board rather than on the down low. I'd guess it's one of those things sounding better in principle than practice. Not wanting to (or being able to, not quite clear) have sex with your spouse isn't the same as being willing to share her with other men. And even if the OP's spouse agrees to it, doesn't mean the execution wouldn't add considerable tension and drama to the existing baselayer of resentment. There are a whole slew of reasons why one would stay with a spouse they love, have a business with and with whom they are good life partners in general. The flip side is, you can still care about, partner with and co-parent with someone from whom you're divorced. And in many dysfunctional marriages, more effectively so... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted July 8, 2019 Share Posted July 8, 2019 In a perfect world, yes. Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted July 8, 2019 Share Posted July 8, 2019 Asexuality is part of the spectrum of human sexuality and it's not something he can change. If indeed that's the issue, then I suggest you find ethical ways to meet your sexual needs. Could you see yourself having a FWB relationship with someone (after asking your husband for an open marriage)? If not, can you see you and your husband co-parenting closely as friends, but living separately so that you can find a new partner? Neither of this is your ideal, having a fulfilling sexual relationship with your current husband, but sometimes we have to be flexible. I do believe your sexual needs are important, and I also believe your husband's asexuality needs to be respected. FWIW I know a couple where one of the parents came out as asexual, and they live in separate floors in a duplex. Their children get to live under one room and they are wonderful friends and coparents, but they are not romantic partners. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SpiceCat Posted July 8, 2019 Share Posted July 8, 2019 What about asking him for an open marriage? It's not fair for you to have to sacrifice your sex life because he's not interested. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 12, 2019 Share Posted July 12, 2019 I am very sorry you are in this situation. I agree you have been a martyr to your marriage far too long. A sexless marriage when you are in your 30's is not acceptable. Plenty of time for that when you are much older when there are a lot better reasons for it. If you go the affair route you will have to be very careful. Disease is the least of your worries if you always use protection. If you pick a married man you could end up destroying his family. A single man as a choice has it's own problems. He could get too involved. Many affair partners can get a bit nuts as the emotions take over and others are nice at first but reveal themselves later on to be nothing but human debris. I think FWB was mentioned and that does seem doable depending on the friend and your own affections for them. I suggest you take one more stab at saving your marriage. File for divorce and serve your husband yourself or be there when he is served. Have a plan of what you want and hand that plan to him along with the divorce papers. I am assuming that you want him to attempt to find out what's wrong and fix the problem either medically or with therapy. At a minimum you both will find out what's wrong. If he says forget it, then divorce and walk. Enjoy your new freedom. If he says yes, hold that damn divorce over his head until he follows through and don't let him drag his feet. If this doesn't work you will leave the marriage knowing you upheld your end of the bargain. Your next relationship will be better for it. Best Wishes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveFiend Posted July 13, 2019 Share Posted July 13, 2019 Has he been to a doctor to get a complete blood work up to make sure there is nothing physical going on? He may have too low testosterone levels for instance? Try an over the counter testosterone boosting supplement like a steroid precursor? I have been on and off bodybuilding supplements ever since I was a young teen, lifted weights religiously since then. I always was one horny SOB wife has never complained once about sex life she gets it 7 days a week, but I get plenty of testosterone running through me via naturally and through testosterone boosting supplements I take. Plenty of protein shakes and vitamins. I think a research study once found that those who regularly exercise have higher levels of testosterone then those who don't, maybe take him to the gym on a regular basis? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 13, 2019 Share Posted July 13, 2019 Try an over the counter testosterone boosting supplement like a steroid precursor? Don't think you're going to change someone who's asexual by giving them supplements. It's a personality type... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 13, 2019 Share Posted July 13, 2019 An open marriage or cheating is going to add another person to this dynamic. Sex does not come alone, it is not like taking a prescription drug. Emotions get involved and many in marriages are of a monogamous mindset. Your husband may not want sex with you, but he is likely not going to allow another man into your lives with all the potential complications that will likely ensue. You probably know that hence your idea of cheating. BUT the quality of man who is willing to see and sleep with a wife behind her husbands back is not great and as you are vulnerable due to your situation, you will be seen as easy prey to every predator around. A murky world of players and married men... As this is a long standing issue, divorce and starting again is probably your cleanest solution. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 13, 2019 Share Posted July 13, 2019 A murky world of players and married men... As this is a long standing issue, divorce and starting again is probably your cleanest solution. Thanks Elaine for including the link to the "players" post. That was an interesting read. Link to post Share on other sites
MINAKO Posted July 13, 2019 Share Posted July 13, 2019 Really interesting answers. I would like to add, that you two have been married for almost 2 decades and you mentioned that he never asked for sex even early in the marriage and that he has never really been that into sex in the first place. What I am trying to say is, chances are that this is just his personality trait and that he will not suddenly start craving sex all of these years later when he has always been like this. Of course, try out every option you can like with some of the ideas mention in this thread, but I would not exactly have some expectation that the husband will acquire a sex drive after all this time. Therefore, I would look into possibilities of what you may have to ultimately do for your happiness should the husband never change. It has been so long without sex that you are not even sure if it has been 3 years or 4 years without it, which is very upsetting I can imagine. I am glad that you are doing your best to find some solutions. You deserve happiness too just as much as how comfortable your husband is without sex, you need that sense of peace in your love life too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OneStepLeft Posted October 2, 2019 Author Share Posted October 2, 2019 (edited) Long time since i posted this a few months any ways. So some dynamics have actually changed since writing this. Last month i started talking to another man. I did tell him i was talking to another man. I wanted him to know. He had a look of shock and i think he was hurt. But said he understood where i was coming from and if i couldnt have a consistent sex life with him he still wanted me to be happy, but asked me not to leave him all together. He said he was willing to go to counseling with me if that will help. I'm still running the business but to replace his loss of income there he got a job outside of our business. This allows us not to spend 24/7 with each other. I actually think that has helped. He is aware of the other man although he just asked he doesn't want to run into him. That sort of stuff ... awkward. I have not followed through with having sex with the other man. Although the tension is there to do so. I'm trying to figure out how to remain in the marriage i've had for many years. Although were not having loads of sex we have started having sex again. It's still a bit restricted at best. We are having sex 2-3 times a week which i think is great! He's trying at least so i feel that's a step in the right direction. While hes trying to want/have sex more than he use to im trying to realize i have a high sex drive. Were trying our best to work on us. In and outside of the bed room. So thats where we are right now. Edited October 2, 2019 by OneStepLeft Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 My suggestion would be to not do anything with the other man UNLESS you truly feel the marriage isn't worth continuing. The reason is it may wreck the marriage. He may be too freaked out at the prospect of losing you to assert himself, but then once (if) you actually do it, he may no longer be able to live with it and hence end the marriage. Of course this is just a best guess since your husband is a somewhat unusual man (being asexual or nearly so, etc). Even if you feel you've been "driven to this" by the situation you're still playing with fire. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OneStepLeft Posted October 2, 2019 Author Share Posted October 2, 2019 As for right now i don't have any true plans of having sex with the other man. I love my husband. I admit i love sex to, but i also beleive that like you said if iwas to follow through (even though he says he's fine with it) It may be the last nail ... so to speak. As long as we are working on US, our sex life and our marriage as a whole there is no need to have sex elsewhere. If it goes back to being a roommate marriage my feelings may change. I feel if this was a simple fix i would have already slept with someone else. Im fighting for the marriage and i think he is too. Now any ways. I dont think he understand how much the sexless marriage affected us. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 op, if your husband is truly asexual please stop with the " he needs treatment " track. In spite of what some believe ( especially when it comes to men) asexuality can and does exist. It's not because of hormone levels, depression or anything else. If you feel he's done his due diligence and he really is asexual, that is who he is. You and he will have some tough choices to make. Link to post Share on other sites
Clockwork Posted October 6, 2019 Share Posted October 6, 2019 There are men that are like this. Not huge fans of sex. Not gay, but don't always have sex on the mind. A friend of mine is still a virgin at 40, never married, obviously has no kids. Likes women though, will comment on them, but loves his freedom too much to get involved. Seems happy that way too. 3-4 years without sex is a long, long time. That ought to be torturous for you. Maybe nothing is wrong with his equipment, but it probably is his mind. I had ED when I was in my early 20s for about 6 months. Why? No reason, other than some stress that probably popped up when I moved out for the first time. Usually you wake up with an erection, but I didn't and even couldn't maintain myself when I was masturbating. It was weird, but it was just all in my head. It went away, but I did see a doctor about it. I wanted to feel aroused again, I just couldn't. Your husband may have the same issue and doesn't know it yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 6, 2019 Share Posted October 6, 2019 Your husband may have the same issue and doesn't know it yet. But isn’t that a little disingenuous? He did know they didn’t have sex for years, should set off plenty of alarms for any committed spouse... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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