MM's wife is pregnant

[darkbloom]

Many of you know my story already. For those of you that don't, MM and I were friends for several years and ended up in the same city for work. He was only engaged at the time, not married yet. Things went a lot farther than they should have. I was so caught up in my feelings with him that he met me in another city for work and it was full blown from there. We had a steamy A all the way up until his wedding day where I told him if he was going through with the marriage then I was going to have to let him go. I was a guest at the wedding (I am best friends with his wife's best friend) and I would recommend that no one should ever have to go through that. It was really rough but I cut him off for good. He reached out to me for an entire year off and on with no engagement from me. I lost my dad a year ago, and I reached out to him just to say I missed him and to let him know what happened. I've only seen him once since their wedding where I met up with him to tell him goodbye. I have cut off all physical contact with him but we've remained in an EA for the last year. MM has said multiple times that if I say I will marry him and have kids that he would end his marriage to be with me. I have no desire for marriage or kids, never have. While I feel that MM and I were in love, we just want different things out of life and I cannot ask him to sacrifice what he has to be in a R with me.

 

Two weeks ago, MM called me 7 times and said he had something important he wanted to tell me. I didn't call him back but I had a feeling I knew what he wanted to tell me. We haven't spoken in two weeks. Found out that his wife is pregnant today. I have very supportive friends but they don't really understand the draw that MM had. I've been pulling away from MM for the last 6 months so it's not quite as painful as I thought it was going to be. I feel like I've been punched in the stomach and a little bit relieved. This is going to make it permanent for me, as this is a life changing event.

 

I've been coming to LS when I want to contact him and giving advice to other OW. It's a little bit like therapy to help women avoid heartache like the last 3 years I've brought on myself. I feel tremendous guilt for the role I played in helping him cheat on his wife. I cannot imagine how she would feel if she finds out that her entire engagement/marriage was riddled with infidelity and her husband was in love with someone else. Especially now that they are brining a child into this. My question is what to do with this guilt. I don't think his wife would believe me if I told her- she and I have never been friends- even if I showed her the proof. I also cannot imagine opening someone up to that amount of heartache when they are now tied to MM via a child. I have already blocked MM on phone and email and hid his posts on social media. This A has also intensified the trust issues I have with other people. My therapist told me that she thinks I chose MM because I already knew he was cheating so he couldn't hurt me. She said I subconsciously marked him as safe.

 

So my question is what to do with the guilt? Does it go away eventually? I am generally speaking an honest person and I try to do good in the world but this A has made me question whether that's true.

[preraph]

I wouldn't assume he was in love with you, no matter what he said to keep it going. Love doesn't run very deep on married people cheating on their spouse, evidenced by the lack of care they have if the spouse is mortally wounded once they find out. He married her, so I guess as much love as he can muster, he directed that at her. That doesn't mean it amounts to much. Sorry.

 

You've let yourself ruin your life with this cheater. You don't owe him a thing and should take your life back now and block him forever and recover and move on to something healthier.

[S2B]

I’m a believer that the guilt goes away when you right the wrong past actions.

 

Contrary action changes things. So after some time goes by and you’ve proved to yourself you’re not going to participate anymore - you will feel differently about yourself - based on your changed behavior.

 

He’s living his life - it’s time for you to live yours - without him.

 

I’m hoping you find someone SO much better! And you will after you let go of him!

[darkbloom]

I wouldn't assume he was in love with you, no matter what he said to keep it going. Love doesn't run very deep on married people cheating on their spouse, evidenced by the lack of care they have if the spouse is mortally wounded once they find out. He married her, so I guess as much love as he can muster, he directed that at her. That doesn't mean it amounts to much. Sorry.

 

You've let yourself ruin your life with this cheater. You don't owe him a thing and should take your life back now and block him forever and recover and move on to something healthier.

 

Thank you for your reply. I disagree with the love part, I think he loves as much as he’s able to. That doesn’t excuse his behavior to his wife, but I think if there weren’t genuine feelings there these boards would be a lot lighter on posts in this section.

 

I do need to move on, just not sure to where yet. I’m feeling a very mixed bag of emotions today.

[darkbloom]

I’m a believer that the guilt goes away when you right the wrong past actions.

 

Contrary action changes things. So after some time goes by and you’ve proved to yourself you’re not going to participate anymore - you will feel differently about yourself - based on your changed behavior.

 

He’s living his life - it’s time for you to live yours - without him.

 

I’m hoping you find someone SO much better! And you will after you let go of him!

 

Maybe that’s true. I am ready to turn the page and get out of this book all together. He is living his life which I’m happy and sad about at the same time.

 

Not sure where to begin looking for someone better, but I’m going to try.

[elaine567]

I cannot imagine how she would feel if she finds out that her entire engagement/marriage was riddled with infidelity and her husband was in love with someone else. Especially now that they are brining a child into this. .

 

I hope you are not thinking of telling her.

 

BTW I would take him being in love with you with a pinch of salt. Guys like this tend to only love themselves...

MM has said multiple times that if I say I will marry him and have kids that he would end his marriage to be with me.

That's an easy one for him. He KNOWS you do not want to marry or have kids...

[BaileyB]

I tend to think that living well is the best revenge.

 

I know, you are not looking for revenge. For what it’s worth, I would suggest that the best way to deal with your guilt is perhaps simply to learn from this experience and be the best person you can be...

[S2B]

Maybe that’s true. I am ready to turn the page and get out of this book all together. He is living his life which I’m happy and sad about at the same time.

 

Not sure where to begin looking for someone better, but I’m going to try.

 

A man who doesn’t cheat on his woman would be a better man.

 

Let’s hope that’s the kind of man you date next.

[heartwhole2]

I can completely understand how learning of her pregnancy would throw you for a loop. Before this it was always a possibility that they would split up, or at least that's how it would have felt emotionally. Now it feels like it's no longer a conflicted man trying to decide whom to have a future with, but just an affair with a guy having a baby. So that brings out your feelings of grief and guilt.

 

Everyone makes mistakes in life and everyone hurts people they love, and even innocent bystanders sometimes. That doesn't make it OK, but it is something you have to be able to accept. You can't change the past, but you can remember your inherent worth and start living in a way that honors it. Desmond Tutu's Book of Forgiving is a great primer on forgiving self and others. Seeking to understand why you made the choices you did and helping others in similar situations are both ways to bring some good out of the situation.

 

If BW ever finds out she may blame you more than you feel is fair, and that's something you will need to give her the grace to do. Not knowing if there will ever be a DDay or how she will react is something you will have to live with. If you focus on your resilience and coping skills this will help you should it ever come to that.

 

None of us wants to be defined by the worst thing we've ever done, though we often feel OK judging others by that standard. Every one of us is a human with potential and vulnerability and it is a great blessing when we get to pick ourselves up and start down a different, better path.

[stillafool]

 

I do need to move on, just not sure to where yet. I’m feeling a very mixed bag of emotions today.

 

I know you said you come to LS to help other OW. I don't think it's healthy for you to come here and continue to talk about MM or the affairs of OW. It keeps your ex affair on your mind as well as him. You need to direct your attention away from this stuff or you will never heal. Enough talking about him and his life as he's living it with his wife and soon to arrive baby. I imagine this is a happy time for them. It's time for you to start your new life and put this behind you.

[stillafool]

That doesn’t excuse his behavior to his wife, but I think if there weren’t genuine feelings there these boards would be a lot lighter on posts in this section.

 

 

Yes there would be because the majority of the hurt people on this board are OW who were in love with a MM.

[OpenBook]

I was a guest at the wedding (I am best friends with his wife's best friend)

 

Does your best friend know about the A? Does his wife's best friend know? What do they think about the whole thing?

 

This A has also intensified the trust issues I have with other people.

 

Ya think? The whole bunch certainly has trust issues - whether they're aware of it or not.

 

That's no way to treat people.

 

I bet your guilt feelings will subside once you extricate yourself from this spaghetti-plate of lies and betrayal.

[stillafool]

Does your best friend know about the A? Does his wife's best friend know? What do they think about the whole thing?

 

 

My God this man's poor wife is being betrayed by everyone she trusts. This is just awful.

[Starswillshine]

I'm really sorry, darkbloom. I'm sure this is a huge gut punch. Hugs.

[Maddie82]

He's not in love with you OP. If he had felt that strongly about you he wouldn't have gone ahead with his wedding. But he did because he wanted to. It is his wife that he loves. Not you. Men who are cheating with tell the OW pretty much anything to keep them. They just like having their cake and eating it too. They are having a baby now so i suggest to completely stay out of his life and go permanent no contact. Don't ruin his family. Have some sense and do the right thing.

[pepperbird]

So my question is what to do with the guilt? Does it go away eventually? I am generally speaking an honest person and I try to do good in the world but this A has made me question whether that's true.

 

 

I'm sorry if this comes off as rude at first. I hope it doesn't, but please accept my apologies if it does.

 

What good you do or don't do in the world, makes no difference, as this isn't about whether you are a good or bad person. It's about a woman you helped to hurt and what you plan to do now.

 

If she wasn't pregnant, I would advise you to tell her. Now that there's a future child involved, the field has changed. A couple of questions first:

 

 

(a) do you think he's cheating on her with someone else? if you think he is, then please tell her. Yes, the stress will be bad for her, but it's a hell of a lot better than her finding out her gave her and STD and it affected the baby

 

(b) do you think he will continue to cheat on her in the future, whether that's by trying to contact you or by finding someone else? If you think he will, then I would advise you to wait until the baby is born and things are stable and then let her know

 

Telling her may be hard, but it could well be the best course of action for her over the long term. Your guilt? There's not much you can do about that right now. I would suggest that you do what you can to make amends and never, ever do anything like this again. You can't change the past, but you can use what you learned to guide your future choices. You may have to learn to just live with the guilt and chalk it up as a learning experience.

[Maddie82]

I dont recommend telling her at all. Especially while she's pregnant. That was bad advice. Severe stress can cause a miscarriage and you don't want that extra guilt on you. I'd recommend you don't say anything. Don't hurt anyone and don't break up a family. Walk away from him for good and delete his contact details. Noone needs to get hurt and the guilt feeling will ease in time.

Edited July 8, 2019 by Maddie82

[S2B]

No don’t tell her. Just stay completely silent with both of them and move forward.

 

Act like he doesn’t exist. You deserve better.

[amaysngrace]

You can’t tell his wife. You can’t interfere in their marriage any more than you’ve done already.

 

Why would you even think about telling her? What has she ever done to you that would cause you to keep hurting her time and again?

[Jhm42]

The guilt might be a good companion for a while. Can you sit with it without letting it consume you? Maybe it will help keep you NC. That’s the biggest thing you can do when you feel guilty about something: stop doing it.

 

I’ve never found the idea of forgiving myself very helpful, but thinking about it as a process of earning back my own trust can be. I suspect there’s a part of you feeling very hurt and betrayed by your actions. What would you do to comfort that part of you? What would you do to begin to prove she can trust you again? It takes time, and that’s okay.

 

Or maybe that doesn’t resonate. Here’s a more practical suggestion: make a list of all the good things you’ve been putting off. Community service, long overdue thank-you notes, favors for friends, political activism, visits to your elderly relatives, whatever. Every time your grief and guilt feel overwhelming, do one of the things on the list. It will distract you long enough for the intensity to pass, and it will add one more small thing to feel good about. Don’t do good things as penance for your part in the affair - they won’t make up for it. Do them to set yourself back on a path you can be proud of.

[Jhm42]

Don’t do good things as penance for your part in the affair - they won’t make up for it. Do them to set yourself back on a path you can be proud of.

 

This sounded harsher than I intended. It’s not that you’ve done something so terrible that nothing can ever make up for it. It’s that, since you’re not going to be making reparations to MM’s wife (the nature of your relationship doesn’t allow that), there isn’t really a context for “making up for it.” The good stuff you do won’t cancel out the bad stuff, and vice versa. It just helps your future behavior and mental health.

[SpiceCat]

OUCH. You've made some bad choices but it sounds like this, as painful as it is, might be the kick in the tush you needed to walk away for good.

 

I have no words of wisdom, just here to offer my comfort and support.

[darkbloom]

I hope you are not thinking of telling her.

 

BTW I would take him being in love with you with a pinch of salt. Guys like this tend to only love themselves...

 

That's an easy one for him. He KNOWS you do not want to marry or have kids...

 

I would never tell her. I don't think she would believe me and I also don't think I would be helping the situation. I don't think it will stay secret forever and I am shocked she hasn't discovered it yet. MM is not a good liar nor is he good at juggling his secrets. I believe she may already know about it and has chosen to turn a blind eye.

[darkbloom]

I know you said you come to LS to help other OW. I don't think it's healthy for you to come here and continue to talk about MM or the affairs of OW. It keeps your ex affair on your mind as well as him. You need to direct your attention away from this stuff or you will never heal. Enough talking about him and his life as he's living it with his wife and soon to arrive baby. I imagine this is a happy time for them. It's time for you to start your new life and put this behind you.

 

I would say part of that is true, however, I come here when I feel like contacting him which I think is a healthier outlet. I also can read the advice and stories here and it keeps me firmly in reality and away from the fog of the affair. I came to LS after a breakup from a relationship that devastated me and this was the only place that truly helped me heal and move on. I think we all have different ways of coping.

 

Yes there would be because the majority of the hurt people on this board are OW who were in love with a MM.

 

I would say that generally speaking, a lot of OW are given advice that the MM doesn't love them but I think that is hogwash. I think MM are capable of loving their wives and their OW's at the same time but I think the overriding factor is MM love themselves the most. I don't believe we are able to fall in love by choice but I think things like marriage and maintaining that love are a choice.

 

Does your best friend know about the A? Does his wife's best friend know? What do they think about the whole thing?

 

 

 

Ya think? The whole bunch certainly has trust issues - whether they're aware of it or not.

 

That's no way to treat people.

 

I bet your guilt feelings will subside once you extricate yourself from this spaghetti-plate of lies and betrayal.

 

My best friend does not know about the affair. She has been critical of MM and BW's relationship from the start. She is a super jealous person and I think that has a lot to do with it. I have not done much to hide it from her so she probably suspects but I would never come out and tell her. She would make to sure to hurt everyone involved including BW as much as possible to prove her point.

 

MM told me that two weeks ago a childhood friend of BW came on to him and sent him all sorts of inappropriate videos. This woman is married with children and confessed to MM that she had always been in love with him. He told her about me so she now has that secret. BW is now being betrayed on all sides.

 

I would say the friend circle around this group is certainly toxic and I have extricated myself from it over the last few years to get away from this mess. I did not know that it was so dysfunctional until I got involved with MM. This is a LARGE group of friends/couples that span a few big cities. MM disclosed to me the cheating and the backstabbing in this group and since then I have done my best to stay away. At MM's bachelor party 11 of the 13 men in attendance cheated on their wives. (Maybe there's something in the water in this state that makes it so, or maybe they are all just lying cheaters)

 

I accept the guilt and the naiveté I had that got me into this situation. As stated in my OG post, I have extricated myself from this as much as I am able. If and when BW ever finds out, it will be a catastrophic DDay.

[darkbloom]

He's not in love with you OP. If he had felt that strongly about you he wouldn't have gone ahead with his wedding. But he did because he wanted to. It is his wife that he loves. Not you. Men who are cheating with tell the OW pretty much anything to keep them. They just like having their cake and eating it too. They are having a baby now so i suggest to completely stay out of his life and go permanent no contact. Don't ruin his family. Have some sense and do the right thing.

 

I think that that's an oversimplification of the situation. I do think MM loves me but I don't think love is enough. I think he loves himself the most.

 

I would say a lot of MM tell OW what they want to hear to keep them but I don't think that is the situation in this case.