MM's wife is pregnant

[darkbloom]

I'm sorry if this comes off as rude at first. I hope it doesn't, but please accept my apologies if it does.

 

What good you do or don't do in the world, makes no difference, as this isn't about whether you are a good or bad person. It's about a woman you helped to hurt and what you plan to do now.

 

If she wasn't pregnant, I would advise you to tell her. Now that there's a future child involved, the field has changed. A couple of questions first:

 

 

(a) do you think he's cheating on her with someone else? if you think he is, then please tell her. Yes, the stress will be bad for her, but it's a hell of a lot better than her finding out her gave her and STD and it affected the baby

 

(b) do you think he will continue to cheat on her in the future, whether that's by trying to contact you or by finding someone else? If you think he will, then I would advise you to wait until the baby is born and things are stable and then let her know

 

Telling her may be hard, but it could well be the best course of action for her over the long term. Your guilt? There's not much you can do about that right now. I would suggest that you do what you can to make amends and never, ever do anything like this again. You can't change the past, but you can use what you learned to guide your future choices. You may have to learn to just live with the guilt and chalk it up as a learning experience.

 

This definitely wasn't rude. I appreciate your insight on this. I'll try to answer as best I can the points you made above.

 

a) he is not cheating with anyone else. I just updated that another friend in their circle confessed their love for MM and has been trying to start an A with him, but he has shut her down. Not to say that it could never happen, but at this second it's just the EA with me. I have not had any physical relations with MM since before his wedding.While an EA is not much better, I draw the line at sleeping with someone else's husband. I also extra draw the line at his wife being pregnant. I already refuse to meet him in person but I think there's just an extra level of cruel while cheating on your pregnant wife.

 

b) I don't think I would ever tell his wife. There are a lot of reasons for this but the main reason is she would not believe me, even with proof. She and I have never exactly been friends but we do go back awhile and I am the last person she would believe. I also know many of her dirty deeds and secrets over the past including her own infidelity that I ahve never disclosed. She wants her life to look picture perfect on social media but I don't think she cares to what cost emotionally. I also believe she suspects the A and MM is not a good liar nor is he good at keeping his phone private. I think my best course of action is staying far away from them. Even if the A does come to light, MM will receive the brunt of it. I live in a different city so while I may receive some of it, it won't impact me the way it will impact MM. I cannot imagine bringing a child into the sh-tstorm that is this relationship.

[darkbloom]

The guilt might be a good companion for a while. Can you sit with it without letting it consume you? Maybe it will help keep you NC. That’s the biggest thing you can do when you feel guilty about something: stop doing it.

 

I’ve never found the idea of forgiving myself very helpful, but thinking about it as a process of earning back my own trust can be. I suspect there’s a part of you feeling very hurt and betrayed by your actions. What would you do to comfort that part of you? What would you do to begin to prove she can trust you again? It takes time, and that’s okay.

 

Or maybe that doesn’t resonate. Here’s a more practical suggestion: make a list of all the good things you’ve been putting off. Community service, long overdue thank-you notes, favors for friends, political activism, visits to your elderly relatives, whatever. Every time your grief and guilt feel overwhelming, do one of the things on the list. It will distract you long enough for the intensity to pass, and it will add one more small thing to feel good about. Don’t do good things as penance for your part in the affair - they won’t make up for it. Do them to set yourself back on a path you can be proud of.

 

Thank you for your suggestions. I didn't think it was harsh at all. I think the biggest part of my brain isn't to do with trust but to do with how such a smart girl like me ended up in such a dumb situation. I tend to make good decisions in my life but this one relationship with a MM tumbled me down a moronic path of drama and heartache. My goal is to figure out how I ended up here and what I can do to prevent it in the future. If you saw me in my work life you would be like 'Yes what a bad-ss fearless woman. She doesn't take crap from anyone and she s top in her field' to this mindless situation I am in. The rational side of my brain can think through this logically and I understand what I need to do. It's that stubborn piece that cares about MM and his feelings that needs to go.

[elaine567]

I believe she may already know about it and has chosen to turn a blind eye.

 

Everyone in an affair seems to think this.

On Dday they find out she hadn't a clue.

It salves your conscience and assuages your guilt.

"She knows and she is turning a blind eye or is even condoning it..."

 

You KNOW about the affair, she is acting on blind faith.

[Maddie82]

I think that that's an oversimplification of the situation. I do think MM loves me but I don't think love is enough. I think he loves himself the most.

 

I would say a lot of MM tell OW what they want to hear to keep them but I don't think that is the situation in this case.

 

You just cant see it because you are blinded by your feelings for him. If he loved you, he wouldn't have gone through with his wedding. You are just fooling yourself.

[Maddie82]

I would never tell her. I don't think she would believe me and I also don't think I would be helping the situation. I don't think it will stay secret forever and I am shocked she hasn't discovered it yet. MM is not a good liar nor is he good at juggling his secrets. I believe she may already know about it and has chosen to turn a blind eye.

 

Why cant it stay secret forever? There is no reason she ever needs to find out. No, she doesn't already know because women will never turn a blind eye to something like that. It sounds like you are just wish well thinking here. You are hoping she finds out. You are hoping he will slip up. But let me tell you, he will have his tongue well guarded now that he is going to have a family. You need to stay away and get on with your own life.

[heartwhole2]

I’m not impressed by anyone in this friend group. Why would you want to be best friends with someone who is jealous and doesn’t mind blowing up people’s lives? Why would MM tell someone who wants an affair with him that he’s already having one ... why would she be trustworthy? And then there’s the rampant cheating.

 

My view is that your friends reflect who you are and who you want to be. They can lift you up or drag you down. The people who don’t engage in stupid drama and aren’t self-absorbed a-holes are generally out there doing nice people things. Surrounding yourself with a different sort of person may provide a guide map for an authentic, caring life.

 

In my experience we don’t grow up because we reach a certain age. We have to work on areas of weakness and put ourselves in situations that will further our goals and align with our values.

[stillafool]

You just cant see it because you are blinded by your feelings for him. If he loved you, he wouldn't have gone through with his wedding. You are just fooling yourself.

 

This is as clear as the nose on your face OP. Why would he marry this woman if he was in love with you? Was she holding a gun to his head?

[LIRR88]

You can’t really be upset, you made it clear that you don’t want marriage or children and apparently he does. This is a blessing in disguise because something this huge would have likely torn you guys apart down the long run. You are now free to find someone who shares similar goals as you. Honestly how horrible though that he’s playing both sides, claiming if you’d marry him he’d get divorced. I feel awful for the wife, if I was her I would wanna know that the guy I married and I’m having a kid with isn’t truly invested in our relationship. When his life starts to gets boring and the pressures of parenthood begin to overwhelm him, I guarantee you he’ll cheat again. You dodged a bullet!

[lennyor]

He doesn't love you or his wife.

[Starswillshine]

His friends sound like a huge group of d**che canoes.

 

And he falls right into that group.

 

This is all a blessing in disguise. As previous poster said, you want different things and that would cause huge issues down the road. But also, sounds like this is a group of slimey people. Gross.

[elaine567]

His friends sound like a huge group of d**che canoes.

..But also, sounds like this is a group of slimey people. Gross.

Exactly

OP, They are cheaters, he is a cheater and he is bragging to you about some other conquest he could have... UGH! just UGH!

 

Surely you can do better than this...

[stillafool]

Yes the friends are cheaters and deceivers but so is OP. What they all are doing to this poor pregnant wife is disgusting. When she finds out that no one she has met in this group has been honest with her I don't know how she's going to be able to handle it; especially with a new baby.

[darkbloom]

Everyone in an affair seems to think this.

On Dday they find out she hadn't a clue.

It salves your conscience and assuages your guilt.

"She knows and she is turning a blind eye or is even condoning it..."

 

You KNOW about the affair, she is acting on blind faith.

 

I know everyone in an affair claims this. In this case, I actually believe she has an inkling but is turning a blind eye because it would ruin the perfect picture she is trying to paint. He texted me their entire wedding anniversary while they were on a trip together in another country. I did not know they were on this trip until she posted photos of them at dinner and he literally had to be texting me under the table. He and BW have also gotten into several fights over me. Her knowing does not make this acceptable for clarification nor is it a justification. I am just stating that MM is not some savvy or a good liar to be able to juggle this without dropping something.

 

Why cant it stay secret forever? There is no reason she ever needs to find out. No, she doesn't already know because women will never turn a blind eye to something like that. It sounds like you are just wish well thinking here. You are hoping she finds out. You are hoping he will slip up. But let me tell you, he will have his tongue well guarded now that he is going to have a family. You need to stay away and get on with your own life.

 

I hope she never finds out. MM has told a number of people and the more people that know the more likely this is going to come out. I do not hope she finds out and I hope no one slips up. If I was going to have her find out I would just tell my best friend and have her blow it up. His tongue seems to have become more unglued with the knowledge of his family expanding.

 

I’m not impressed by anyone in this friend group. Why would you want to be best friends with someone who is jealous and doesn’t mind blowing up people’s lives? Why would MM tell someone who wants an affair with him that he’s already having one ... why would she be trustworthy? And then there’s the rampant cheating.

 

My view is that your friends reflect who you are and who you want to be. They can lift you up or drag you down. The people who don’t engage in stupid drama and aren’t self-absorbed a-holes are generally out there doing nice people things. Surrounding yourself with a different sort of person may provide a guide map for an authentic, caring life.

 

In my experience we don’t grow up because we reach a certain age. We have to work on areas of weakness and put ourselves in situations that will further our goals and align with our values.

 

 

I've been friends with this girl for over a decade. She wasn't always jealous and petty. This is a new development in her personality since everyone around her has started getting married and having children. My friend desperately wants to get married and have children but she hasn't found anyone yet. This is turning her jealous of friends and causing her to act out on that. It has been hard to watch her turn into this person.

 

As for him telling one of BW's betrayed friends, I have no idea. This all came spilling out of MM the last time I spoke with him and he never really answered my question on why he would do this. I told him it was like throwing gasoline on a dumpster fire to see if it would burn. I know this is a very ~unpopular~ opinion on here but I think this is MM's desperation at the situation coming out. That's the only reason I can think he would tell someone who he is not really friends with and has no reason to trust. I do believe MM loves me (everyone chime in at once that he doesn't) but I think he does and he doesn't know how to handle his feelings about that. He told me that he is happy in his marriage and until me, he did not know that there was another level of happiness for him than what he had already experienced. This wasn't hokey and it wasn't to get me to sleep with him. I understand that everyone is quick to shut down MM's feelings for me but I think his feelings are valid but I don't think he could compromise on the no marriage and kids thing for me and I do not blame him.

 

 

I agree with the friends. I did not find out about the cheating and the backstabbing until MM disclosed it to me. I have been friends with them for many years but wasn't aware of what was happening. I have since distanced myself from them. In fact, MM's wedding was the last big event I was around all of them. I have been in a few events (bdays, anniversaries, etc) where some of the friends have been present but I have always cited work or schedules as to why I can't hang out longer or go to certain events. I make a point to not be involved with this friend circle as much as possible because it's clearly toxic.

 

Yes the friends are cheaters and deceivers but so is OP. What they all are doing to this poor pregnant wife is disgusting. When she finds out that no one she has met in this group has been honest with her I don't know how she's going to be able to handle it; especially with a new baby.

 

BW does not deserve any of this. I absolutely agree that BW is going to be crushed if and when she ever finds out about all the lying and deceit around her.

[Maddie82]

I hope she never finds out. MM has told a number of people and the more people that know the more likely this is going to come out. I do not hope she finds out and I hope no one slips up. If I was going to have her find out I would just tell my best friend and have her blow it up. His tongue seems to have become more unglued with the knowledge of his family expanding.

 

Men who brag to their guy friends about this sort of thing don't have to worry about these friends saying anything because they all keep each others dirty little secrets.

[Jhm42]

. My goal is to figure out how I ended up here and what I can do to prevent it in the future. If you saw me in my work life you would be like 'Yes what a bad-ss fearless woman. She doesn't take crap from anyone and she s top in her field' to this mindless situation I am in. The rational side of my brain can think through this logically and I understand what I need to do. It's that stubborn piece that cares about MM and his feelings that needs to go.

 

I think a lot of people who view themselves as smart, take-no-sh*t types end up making this kind of terrible decision. I don’t know if it’s hubris, different kinds of intelligence, or something deeper. Sometimes it seems like people who say they don’t put up with nonsense are actually just bad at the subtler boundaries that keep most situations from getting to the nonsense point in the first place.

 

Those subtle boundaries are really hard to identify and learn. One of them is fading on sleazeballs before they turn into your awful, user friends. I know you said you didn’t find out about the guys’ cheating until way later, but people like that (especially in groups) give off signs. If you look back, can you identify any? Not to beat yourself up, but for future reference.

 

Women are often taught to ignore our gut feelings about people and give them the benefit of the doubt out of fairness or something. That’s ridiculous. You don’t have to provide evidence that someone is a terrible person to stop hanging out with them. As long as you’re civil, you can just... not.

 

Anyway, I could be off here (internet anonymity, right?), but you say you’re worried about your future decisions, and it’s something I’ve seen often with people who describe themselves the way you do. They say they don’t take BS, and then they go back to hanging out with the people who bring BS into their lives. Is that happening with you?

 

Either way, getting waaaaaay far away from this couple and most of this friend group will be great for you.

[Starswillshine]

It doesnt so much matter about his friends, you knew he was a cheater....

 

To the point of the BS knowing or not knowing. I see this often OW believe the wife must be turning a blind eye. Even if they have gotten into arguments about you, it likely went down as... you were no threat with lots of positive reinforcements that he loves her, blah blah blah. As far as texting you all the time, who knows what he told her. Work, a friend, etc.

 

Ask me how I know? Because this is exactly what happened to me. If I asked him about who he was texting, "It's freaking work, they wont even leave me alone on vacation." Then give me the guilt trip for bugging him about it. Some girls that I felt were a little too close and friendly with him, he would tell me I had no problems to worry about. He loved me, our family, and he would NEVER put anything in jeopardy. I was married to the man, I chose to do what people in a marriage do... TRUST my husband. OW have the benefit of knowledge. It may seem insane to you that she doesnt already know. Maybe she has suspected something, and maybe he has done a really good job at reassuring her that he loves her and would never do anything about it. Or like in my case once, I felt he was being a little more secretive with his phone and i asked him about it, cue the tears that "omg i could never do something like that..." an hours worth of that that ended with me saying that I needed to get help for my insecurity issues. Btw, he was definitely chatting up his OW. There are a very minor few women who will willingly turn a blind eye.

[anika99]

MM told me that two weeks ago a childhood friend of BW came on to him and sent him all sorts of inappropriate videos. This woman is married with children and confessed to MM that she had always been in love with him. He told her about me so she now has that secret. BW is now being betrayed on all sides.

 

Have you realized yet that this friend is also an OW to your MM? If your MM wasn't reciprocating her interest he never would have told her about you. He would have just told her to knock it off based on the fact that he is married and his wife is her friend. Instead he tells her about you. That was his way of simultaneously boasting and letting her know that he's down to cheat. A woman doesn't just start sending a man sexy videos out of the blue without some encouragement. She also opened up to him about her feelings, which indicates that he was participating in some inappropriate conversations with her. I bet he loved getting those videos from her and that his ego hungrily ate up her words of love.

 

Then he goes and tells you about her because it gave him another chance to boast about his desirability and he wanted to let you know that you have competition. Of course he didn't frame it that way. I'm sure he said it in a way that made him look all innocent. Like he was just minding his own business when this woman just started throwing herself at him out of the clear blue sky, but he let her know that he could never fool around with her because he loves you. Poor guy is just a victim of being so damn desirable...lol. But as I said above, if he really wanted to shut her down he would have just told her that he's married and it's inappropriate of her to be coming onto the husband of her friend. Telling her about you was his way of titillating her. Also why would she just suddenly tell him about her feelings now? Bet he's the one who made the first move in opening up that pandoras box.

 

So your MM has two OW and he has slyly let them know about each other, meanwhile his wife is pregnant and doesn't know about any of his OW. And you think he isn't a good liar.

[anika99]

I know everyone in an affair claims this. In this case, I actually believe she has an inkling but is turning a blind eye because it would ruin the perfect picture she is trying to paint. He texted me their entire wedding anniversary while they were on a trip together in another country. I did not know they were on this trip until she posted photos of them at dinner and he literally had to be texting me under the table. He and BW have also gotten into several fights over me. Her knowing does not make this acceptable for clarification nor is it a justification. I am just stating that MM is not some savvy or a good liar to be able to juggle this without dropping something.

 

You are really twisting your thinking and doing some mental gymnastics to make yourself believe that your MM is a really good guy who just can't help himself because he's so in love with you. I'm guessing you that you have to do that to protect your ego and to feel special. The more you tell us about this guy the more his douchiness is revealed but your ego won't let you see it.

 

He spends his anniversary dinner texting you. I'm sure that stroked your ego but that doesn't make you special it just makes him a jerk. They have had fights about you where he probably tells her that she is crazy and paranoid. Insecure and jealous with no reason. He probably convinces her that it's all in her head, to make her doubt her intuition and lose faith in her gut feelings. He's doing a huge number on her head to protect himself and give himself room to cheat. Yet you believe he is not a good liar. You believe that he is actually a good guy who is just so gosh darn in love with you that it's turned him into a lying manipulative cheating jerk. That's not love. Love is not ugly and sinister.

 

I think that you are going to have to knock your own ego down a few notches before you are going to be able to see the truth of this man. He is horrible. He didn't have to get married. He didn't have to make babies. He is destroying lives because he is self entitled and believes that he deserves it all regardless of who he hurts. He will lie and cheat and deceive to get his ego strokes.

 

Of course he has told his nasty cheating group of friends about you. He'd look like a pansy ass wimp to them if he didn't boast about his own conquests. I bet he's told a few people about his other OW too. You know, the one who is sending him sexy videos of herself and declaring her love for him. You are very naive and/or hugely egotistical if you believe this man's horrendous behaviour is all about you.

[elaine567]

His friends have probably all seen those sexy videos she sent him or any sexy stuff you have sent him, as that is how cheating groups of guys like this work.

[stillafool]

Anika you couldn't be more right on. Of course the friend is having an affair with him too. No woman reveals those type of feelings and sends a sexy video to a man unless she's encouraged. Especially to a MM. He's slept with her that's for sure. He has all of these OW thinking they are special while his poor pregnant wife is wondering why she has this sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach when she should be feeling nothing but joy. He tells his guy friends about his escapades with these women because they probably tell him about theirs. They all sound like a bunch of sleezeballs to me.

[SpiceCat]

I have to agree - it does sound like your friend is also having an affair with him. I hope you find the strength to actually walk away for good ASAP!

[LIRR88]

Anika you couldn't be more right on. Of course the friend is having an affair with him too. No woman reveals those type of feelings and sends a sexy video to a man unless she's encouraged. Especially to a MM. He's slept with her that's for sure. He has all of these OW thinking they are special while his poor pregnant wife is wondering why she has this sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach when she should be feeling nothing but joy. He tells his guy friends about his escapades with these women because they probably tell him about theirs. They all sound like a bunch of sleezeballs to me.

 

Yup, I’m sorry but this is one of those cases where I’d 100 percent tell the wife, no one has this woman’s back and she deserves to know the truth. She has no clue the awful depth of betrayal that’s going on all around her.

[pepperbird]

op,

I second telling his wife. She needs to know, as he could be sleeping with other women and pass along and STD to her.

[misspalmy]

ex MM wife was pregnant few times but lost them each time, they do have two kids. i 2 sons to ex mm 2 year old and 9 week old. his wife knows still chooses to stay

 

I did hurt each time he told me she was pregnant

[sandylee1]

I have to agree that no woman sends a MM a racy video out of nowhere.

 

You have the word of a cheater, that a) this even happened and b) that he turned her down.

 

It's really sad that grown mature adults are bringing new lives into the world. The whole so called friendship group sounds toxic and unhealthy. It doesn't sound like there are any upstanding people in the group. It's so contaminated.

 

I can't quite imagine attending a wedding, when I had been having an affair with the groom. The guilt would eat me up.

 

You mention this was difficult....but why not decline the invite?

 

Were 11 of 13 men cheating...or was this said to normalise it all and make it not seem so bad.

 

It seems like they view marriage/family as status in life.....otherwise they could remain single and have as many women as they choose.

 

I think a new set of friends would be worth considering.... as well as total no contact with your AP.