MM's wife is pregnant

[ExpatInItaly]

You are definitely not the only Other Woman, OP.

 

Not by a long shot.

 

The one who sent him saucy videos? She is too. She's the one he has sex with.

 

This affair is unlikely to stay a secret forever. Too many people know about it.

Edited July 17, 2019 by ExpatInItaly

[stillafool]

Not to mention when D-Day comes, and it will, the few people within the group who are decent are going to view you and the other OW as the devil himself for playing friends while cheating with this woman's husband while she is pregnant or with a newborn.

[darkbloom]

Then he goes and tells you about her because it gave him another chance to boast about his desirability and he wanted to let you know that you have competition. Of course he didn't frame it that way. I'm sure he said it in a way that made him look all innocent. Like he was just minding his own business when this woman just started throwing herself at him out of the clear blue sky, but he let her know that he could never fool around with her because he loves you. Poor guy is just a victim of being so damn desirable...lol. But as I said above, if he really wanted to shut her down he would have just told her that he's married and it's inappropriate of her to be coming onto the husband of her friend. Telling her about you was his way of titillating her. Also why would she just suddenly tell him about her feelings now? Bet he's the one who made the first move in opening up that pandoras box.

 

I think MM had several reasons for telling me about this childhood friend. Obviously I only have his word to go on, but I have seen the videos she's sent and they are something else. I have never sent MM any scandolous videos or pictures ever so I could be wrong. His motivation for telling her Was to get her to back off. It's very possible that she could be the new OW. That's not a position I want and I've been actively trying to remove myself from the affair for the last 6 months. If she's the new OW, good for her and Godspeed.

 

There is absolutely zero chance his wife doesn't suspect. This childhood friend has apparently been flashing him when they are over at her house and making jokes about it. BW has also had many issues with him talking to me and her suspicions are absolutely accurate. There is blood in the water and she knows it.

 

 

 

As for the friends bit, I don't think anyone has read my threads on this. I didn't know there was this much backstabbing when I got involved. Once I found out I did a 180 with this group.

 

 

I just got back from a long vacation and I feel better. I love MM in the way I will always love an ex boyfriend and someone I've given myself to, but I don't fear falling back into the affair. Children are a game changer for me and I am sad that these children are being born into such a broken situation but it's not my choice.

 

For those telling me to tell BW, I've covered this and she wouldn't believe me. There is an image to protect and MM is very successful in his field and she works a trade job. She would attempt to destroy me and protect her image with MM. She has next to nothing if she divorces him. I'm also not about to bring this heartache on her with a new baby.

 

I wish that I'd never gone down this path.

Edited July 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[ExpatInItaly]

Wait, he showed you the racy videos this other woman sent him? Why?

 

Look, this guy is beyond skeevy. He loves attention from women (you and others and his wife) and he plays you all for fools. He is already playing you off one another as well.

 

Cut this person off and be done with him forever. He's gross. Spend some time on your own, and reset your standards; they're currently far too low and you can do better.

[Amethyst68]

I don't know if you've noticed but when you mention his BW you always sound condescending, add if she's less than, less than MM and def less than you.

 

If you have this attitude in real life that may explain her reluctance to have you in her and MM's life, she may have no idea of your affair. If she finds out you may be surprised, even people who work trade jobs have been known to have self respect!

[SpiceCat]

Can I ask what the reasoning is for continuing to allow any communication with this man at all?

Edited July 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[lovely81]

I do think you should tell his wife, perhaps anonymously.

[anika99]

Why would the other OW back off because of you when she won't even back off because he has a pregnant wife who is also her friend? That's not why he told her. Maybe he didn't tell her about you at all. I can tell by the things you write here that you like ego kibbles and you are easily swayed by flattery. I think the MM wanted to show off his new OW to you but he had to do it in a way that you found flattering so he shows you what she sent him, but tells you that he told her about you to make her stop coming onto him. You eat this flattery up, believing that you're the only one he wants and that he isn't enjoying having this woman throwing herself at him.

 

If there is one thing I have learned about your MM by what you have said here, it's that he has zero respect for women in general. He uses them all as pawns to stroke his ego. He plays them against each other to get their attention. It's funny because the lesson you seem to have been trying to get across to us is that not all cheating MM are bad guys and while there may be some truth to that it sure doesn't apply to your MM. He's one of the creeps for sure. Cheated on his wife before he even married her. Gets her pregnant and now he's enjoying sexual attention from his wife's own friend.

 

Hey if he wanted his other OW to back off how come he isn't showing his wife the sexy videos she sent him? That would sure shut things down in a hurry. Telling you about the other OW and telling the other OW about you does nothing other than make him feel like he's some big prize. All cheating MM might not be bad guys, some may be truly struggling with indecision and feelings of guilt and shame for their deceitful behaviour. That's not your MM. He is one of the worst.

[elaine567]

If there is one thing I have learned about your MM by what you have said here, it's that he has zero respect for women in general. He uses them all as pawns to stroke his ego. He plays them against each other to get their attention. It's funny because the lesson you seem to have been trying to get across to us is that not all cheating MM are bad guys and while there may be some truth to that it sure doesn't apply to your MM. He's one of the creeps for sure. Cheated on his wife before he even married her. Gets her pregnant and now he's enjoying sexual attention from his wife's own friend.

^^^ Anika is correct.

 

"Sociopaths view everything in life—including relationships—as games to be won

Sociopaths have an insatiable need to win. This desire to win is so strong that they sometimes will take themselves down in the process of becoming the “winner.” Because they are unable to build real relationships, they view their interactions with others as games. Other people are simply pawns to be played. And because they have no conscience, they make up their own unethical, ever-changing rules for those “games.” They use tactics like mirroring, deception, projection, gaslighting, pity plays, and other forms of emotional and physical abuse to idealize, manipulate, confuse, and intimidate others, all in the name of “winning.”!

 

Be careful you are dealing with a pretty devious individual...

[pepperbird]

^^^ Anika is correct.

 

"Sociopaths view everything in life—including relationships—as games to be won

.

 

 

They are also the ultimate empaths. They can read people's emotions incredibly well, but they don't feel them. They can reflect them back like nobody else, and this is part of what makes them so hard to spot, and even harder to be in a relationship with.

It will forever be all about them, and if playing games gives them a "rush", they'll go full steam ahead. It's enjoyable to them to control others, and to have someone hanging on your every word and willing to to just about anything for you both gives them a sense of excitement and validates their world view.

[Amethyst68]

It is more than likely that MM is simply an opportunistic married man taking advantage of the opportunities available to him to cheat and betray his wife. Does it make him a low life? Yes, of course, but it does not make him a sociopath or suffering from one of the other mental disorders that are often thrown out around here.

 

It's one thing I've noticed OW/OM and BS have in common after an affair, a tendency to armchair diagnose the MP as mentioned above. In the AP's case it seems to negate some of their agency and they become manipulated and a victim. In the BS it's sometimes seen as an illness that 'contributed' to their partner's behaviour, almost an excuse for theIr behaviour rather than then just choosing to cheat.

 

Of course MM's actions are despicable but so are OPs, she chose to have an affair with this man from meeting him, through the engagement, marriage and now pregnancy. The question is why is she still interacting him? OP, why are you not NC? Why did you not cut him off when he tried to tell you about the other OW? The one person keeping you in you in this drama is you.

[georgia girl]

I have to agree that you are not the only OW. He wanted to show off his other OW to you. Probably got some kind of cheap thrill I. Sharing the sexy videos and if I had to guess, he’s sharing those videos with anyone willing to watch. But to throw you off the scent, he says he turned her down because of you.

 

Think about that for a moment. He’s rejecting this girl after she has really put herself out there. So, his reason is because he’s already got another OW? That would be a form of self harm. A woman who gets rejected is likely going to be angry and less loyal to him or his secrets. He has to fear that she would immediately run off and tell his wife - particularly because they’re friends. It serves two purposes: it retaliates against him for rejecting her and it clears a future path to him by getting you out of the way through his wife.

 

Darkbloom, this man is not healthy for you. I don’t care how successful he is, how much money he has or influence he may wield. People are either worth it or they’re not. If it were me, I would trade every last nickel for someone who is a stand up guy. Someone with integrity, compassion, a sense of self and dignity, and honesty. Those are the things that are actually worth something in this world.

 

Go complete no contact and at the same time, consider counseling for yourself. You sound young and more than a little besotted with this guy. You really need to do some soul searching on who you want to be and who you want to attract. Finding the right partner is truly the single most important decision we make in this life. That person either shares our journeys and helps to build us up or they tear us down. Choose the person who will help you to be your best self.

[sandylee1]

I don't understand how you say there's no chance his wife doesn't know what's going on and then you say she wouldn't believe you.

 

I'm not saying you should tell her, but there's a contradiction between those two statements from you.

 

I repeat that a woman doesn't send a MM those videos without encouragement. He didn't need to tell her about you to get her to back off. He could simply tell her he has no interest being happily married. Or he could have told her he'd show his wife.

 

She probably knows he's cheated with you and others...hence she dared do it.

 

It takes some guts to send that kind of video...never mind to a MM.

 

She sent them knowing he'd be receptive and to make you jealous.

 

His behaviour after the first video enabled her to send more. He probably asked for more...I don't know why you believe this liar.

[heartwhole2]

How are you doing with your feelings of guilt and grief, OP?

[darkbloom]

@heartwhole

 

I’ve been staying away from these boards for awhile which is helping. I know that people are trying to help but I find the whole demonizing MM thing to be exhausting and doesn’t make me feel better.

 

Is what he did wrong? Absolutely. But my role in this is also wrong. He has to have some redeeming qualities or we wouldn’t have ended up in an A to begin with. MM is actively seeking therapy (obviously haven’t broken NC to confirm this but he had been consistently going for a year the last time we spoke) and so have I. MM has maintained my NC and hasn’t tried to get around the barriers I’ve placed up. Not even during his birthday which was last week.

 

The guilt is subsiding. I think everyone is just doing the best they can everyday. MM and myself included. I’m taking the steps I need to better myself and to find out how I ended up here so I can prevent it in the future. I’ve also been practicing being extra kind to everyone I meet and expressing my gratitude. I think we could all benefit from being kinder to one another, even on these boards.

[darkbloom]

Just an update:

 

I've mostly been staying off of LS and social media. This has helped tremendously and I've been able to focus my time on more important things. I am up for a large promotion at work that I will find out this week if I received. The promotion would require me to move to the same city as MM although I don't think there is any chance of me resurrecting this relationship.

 

I know that there may come a time where my secret comes out but I feel like I will deal with that when if/when it comes. I hope MM has taken this time to reflect on this and devote to his W.

 

I've struggled with NC in the past but this has by far been the easiest I think due to the finality of the situation. I want nothing to do with MM and his future children.

 

To other OW struggling- it gets easier. Just focus on your goals and how much better you feel outside of a secret relationship. My self esteem has grown and I know I deserve better than the crumbs MM was giving me and so do you.

[mark clemson]

Sounds pretty positive, darkbloom. Don't weaken after you move. Cities tend to be pretty large places. Unless you're actually nearby, you'll probably run into him coincidentally 1-3 times in an entire lifetime. Meanwhile, you'll have the entire city's worth of single, available men as potentials. One taken man for all those other one's out there. Sounds like a pretty good trade off to me.

 

They say all's well that ends well. Not sure that's actually true where affairs are concerned, but your situation might possibly be looking up from here...