Can I date this guy? I’ve dated his best friend.

[allez102]

Question is in the title, really, but here’s some context.

 

About 3 years ago, I met a guy at a music festival. Let’s call him mike. He started chatting to me at the bar and we added each other on FB. I got the impression he was a little bit shy/nervous. Nothing ever happened between us, but I felt a good connection, it was weird in a good way.

 

Mike and I stayed in touch over FB on and off for years. He would always initiate conversation. We would chat for hours. However, he never asked me on a date which I think was due to him being nervous. He was also out of the country constantly half of the time which maybe made it more difficult.

 

Late last year noticed a girl popping up on his social media quite a lot and noticed he’d pulled away from me. I respected so and did the same, and continued to date others.

 

Early this year I met another guy, Tom, at a bar. He asked for my number and he text me asking if he could take me out properly. During our first date he told me he had a confession: he was Mikes best friend, and he already knew about me and who I was. He said mike is always talking about me and Tom had looked me up on social media, so approached me knowing full well who I was.

 

Tom and I dated for a few months. He always hid me though; I never met his friends or family, Mike included. Tom ended up being an idiot. He broke things off with me very callously and admitted he’d been seeing other girls despite us being “exclusive”, but said “please don’t tell mike we dated” which I couldn’t really understand since we’d done nothing wrong? At least not in my eyes. The whole time we dated he was very paranoid about mike finding out?

 

Then, more recently, I re joined dating apps and matched with mike who is now single. We have since been back in touch and talking constantly. Mike has now asked to take me to dinner. The issue is that he has NO idea about tom and I whatsoever. I’ve said yes to his dinner invite but I’m not sure whether this is right, and if it is, I think I should tell mike first so that he can decide not to take me out if he wishes.

 

What do people think? How do I handle the situation? I was initially going to turn mike down and pretend I was seeing someone else, but obviously he would still see me on the dating apps which could be confusing for him. My friends have said it’s absolutely OK to date mike but I’m really not so sure.

 

Help!?

[Gagis]

I'm not an expert at the rules of dating by any means, but it sounds like it is Tom who has broken the rules, not you.

 

You are free to do whatever you want, I don't think Mike will be upset with you, if he wants to date you now after all this time, he's probably always been interested.

 

However, he might be mad at Tom if he finds out, though not you, and that might end their friendship, if indeed they're still friends.

 

I certainly wouldn't try to hide that you'd been out with Tom, indeed I think you should probably tell Mike straight away if you want to date him and ask him how he feels, telling him your interested in him now.

 

Remember Tom knew full well that Mike talked about you all the time, so he knew what he was doing.

 

As I said, I think it was Tom that was at fault not you.

 

Cheers.

[allez102]

I'm not an expert at the rules of dating by any means, but it sounds like it is Tom who has broken the rules, not you.

 

You are free to do whatever you want, I don't think Mike will be upset with you, if he wants to date you now after all this time, he's probably always been interested.

 

However, he might be mad at Tom if he finds out, though not you, and that might end their friendship, if indeed they're still friends.

 

I certainly wouldn't try to hide that you'd been out with Tom, indeed I think you should probably tell Mike straight away if you want to date him and ask him how he feels, telling him your interested in him now.

 

Remember Tom knew full well that Mike talked about you all the time, so he knew what he was doing.

 

As I said, I think it was Tom that was at fault not you.

 

Cheers.

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

This is also the view of my friends; Tom has broken “bro code”, not me, so why should I lose out?

 

Sometimes I wonder if it was all a game to Tom, and he approached me and dated me just to screw mike over for some reason, as if he wanted silent revenge for something? Who knows. It was all very weird. Tom told me mikes parents live in my neighbourhood, so he would often ask to park his car in my garage in case mike saw his car here and wondered what he was doing in the area! It made me feel like sh*t.

 

Although it’s not directly my fault, I am worried about the prospect of them falling out over this/the drama it could cause between them.

[malaiyas]

If you're still genuinely interested in Mike, go out with him and forget Tom!

[salparadise]

I think it's fine. Nobody gets to choose who their exes can date or not date, and since Tom was a scuz bag you don't owe him any loyalty. He moved on his buddy's prospect-crush-whatever, but since Mike never even asked you out it isn't your problem.

 

The only issue is between the two of them. Mike may end up with hurt feelings toward Tom and dump him as a friend, but that would be natural consequences, and again not your issue.

 

The question is, which is more important... to assist Tom with the deception, or to give Mike a chance and see where it goes. Mike could suffer when he learns what Tom did, but only because he doesn't know how lousy a friend he really is. If you go out with Mike you'll have to decide when is the right time to tell him. It may not even bother him since he was seeing someone and never asked you out, but the deception almost certainly will sting.

[allez102]

If you're still genuinely interested in Mike, go out with him and forget Tom!

 

Thank you

[allez102]

I think it's fine. Nobody gets to choose who their exes can date or not date, and since Tom was a scuz bag you don't owe him any loyalty. He moved on his buddy's prospect-crush-whatever, but since Mike never even asked you out it isn't your problem.

 

The only issue is between the two of them. Mike may end up with hurt feelings toward Tom and dump him as a friend, but that would be natural consequences, and again not your issue.

 

The question is, which is more important... to assist Tom with the deception, or to give Mike a chance and see where it goes. Mike could suffer when he learns what Tom did, but only because he doesn't know how lousy a friend he really is. If you go out with Mike you'll have to decide when is the right time to tell him. It may not even bother him since he was seeing someone and never asked you out, but the deception almost certainly will sting.

 

Thank you, that’s a good way of looking at it. Why should I lie and assist Toms deception after how he treated me? I think I’ll tell Mike before I meet him, because if the shoe was on the other foot, I’d want to know first.

[smackie9]

This is a lesson learned...when they keep you a secret, don't introduce you to friends or family, most likely they are already with someone, multi-dating. Best of luck.

[allez102]

This is a lesson learned...when they keep you a secret, don't introduce you to friends or family, most likely they are already with someone, multi-dating. Best of luck.

 

Absolutely. I learned a lot from this one.

[preraph]

it's predictable that Tom turned out to not be such a great guy since he was secretly going behind a good friends back and asking out a girl he knew the friend liked. he was blatantly poaching so that alone should have told you he has really bad ethics.

 

On the other hand you have this guy who has didn't bother to ask you out this whole time. at first I thought so maybe he's one of those scared guys to get rejected but then you said he had another woman he was interested in. So not sure how high his interest really is or if he is going to be confident enough for you.

 

but I do know that you should not fully yourself by keeping this thing with Tom a secret. You should tell him up front about it and let him decide weather to move forward.

[allez102]

it's predictable that Tom turned out to not be such a great guy since he was secretly going behind a good friends back and asking out a girl he knew the friend liked. he was blatantly poaching so that alone should have told you he has really bad ethics.

 

On the other hand you have this guy who has didn't bother to ask you out this whole time. at first I thought so maybe he's one of those scared guys to get rejected but then you said he had another woman he was interested in. So not sure how high his interest really is or if he is going to be confident enough for you.

 

but I do know that you should not fully yourself by keeping this thing with Tom a secret. You should tell him up front about it and let him decide weather to move forward.

 

Very true. I should have seen Tom being a bad egg from the beginning, really; but by the time he told me about Mike, I was already a bit infatuated and that blurred my subsequent judgement of him.

 

Also very good point about Mikes interest given the other girl. This is something I’ve thought of myself. Tom actually painted a picture of mike as a player who has often dated multiple girls (much like Tom ended up doing, funnily enough!). On the one hand I take what Tom said with a pinch of salt, given that he may have been deliberately trying to put me off Mike? On the other hand, it could be totally true. Mike has taken years to ask me out when he seems clearly capable of asking other girls. Either those girls have been very forward and asked him

out, or I’m an option on his list that he’s been breadcrumbing for a very long time.

 

Theres only way one to find out though, I guess, and that’s by accepting his invite and seeing what happens.

 

Thank you.

[The Outlaw]

It's probably best to just be upfront with him. If he really likes you, I don't see it as being a problem. You dodged a bullet with his best friend.

[allez102]

It's probably best to just be upfront with him. If he really likes you, I don't see it as being a problem. You dodged a bullet with his best friend.

 

Thank you. I am truly over his friend and have been for a while, but it’s still comforting to hear id dodged a bullet with him. There were so many other red flags unrelated to Mike too. He did me a favour showing his true colours.

[smackie9]

so any updates? or dates?