How Serious Are These Red Flags??

[soulforge]

Hey OP,

 

#1 and #2 seemed like "yellow flags" to me, but having known, dated, and been friends with people who have been abused and also self harmed in the past, some of them just made a really dumb mistake as a teenager once while being abused by said parents/adult figures.

 

With that being said, everything else you described are all major (MAJOR) red flags.

 

Regardless of whether she had sex with said nude photographer guy, the fact that he still comes over every month means A) she is still letting him take nude pics, B) is ****ing weird if he isn't. I'd lean more towards A...

 

Regarding your most recent posts, the fact that you are normally a confident guy and are not feeling so much like "yourself" now is also a huge red flag.

 

And yes, it is normal for a guy to feel insecure and mistrusting around someone with so many PRESENT red flags and a sleazy background. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you... or that "normal" means this is "part of dating someone with so many red flags". I means your instincts are trying to tell you something. I means there is something right with you. You feel the way you do because it is a bad situation to be in.

 

And keep in mind that some of these red flags are in the present, not in the past.

 

Stay away. Do not reach out. Do not let her suck you back in, and don't let her gaslight you or make you second guess yourself.

 

There is no doubt that you made the right choice here.

 

Don't second guess yourself.

 

Also, it is normal to feel ****ty after a breakup, even if you were the one doing the breaking up. It is called attachment. When attached to someone, a breakup severs it, and it is normal to miss them, even if they weren't good for you.

 

It is even harder when the sex is awesome and the other person is super hot. B/C that **** can become an addiction.

 

(Been there myself)

 

-Common

 

You make a good point in regards to the sex being addictive.

 

Thats exactly how I feel... I have even considered reaching out and see if we can do FWB

 

The mistake I made was, going from casual to LTR in the first place.

 

However having sex with her again, could lead to getting sucked in all over again?

 

How long did it take for you to get over your experience??

[soulforge]

What are your thoughts on a FWB with this girl?

[preraph]

I haven't posted in a little while, as I wanted to take my

Mind off the whole situation.

 

I was doing reasonably well.. However starting to miss her again, and beating myself up a little.

 

Is it normal for a guy to feel a little insecure or mistrusting around someone who has that many red flags, or has quite a sleazy background?

 

I am usually a very confident guy!

 

It's abnormal for a guy to even consider being with a woman with that many red flags, to be clear.

[soulforge]

It's abnormal for a guy to even consider being with a woman with that many red flags, to be clear.

 

 

You are right... The reason why I let my guard down and overlooked the red flags was because they was in the PAST

 

I didn't want to judge her, and miss out on a good thing due to something she did years ago.

 

However is the past really the past.. Maybe I was being naive.

 

People rarely change.. And her past is a reflection of the values and morals she holds, especially in regards to her body.

 

She even took part in a wet T-Shirt contest some years back and won.. She seemed quite proud of it when she mentioned it to me.

 

I did actually throw her a TEST

 

Month two of seeing her, I suggested to her that we go to a SWINGERS club and maybe have some fun with another couple.. I suggested she could have sex with another man.

 

She seemed to be fine about it, and said would be up for it... She claimed she would do it, because I want to try it.

 

Obviously I didn't follow through on this.. I didn't mention it ever again.

 

My impression is, even now she is perfectly okay in taking Part in risky behaviour..

 

Even now she is quite promiscuous!

 

Would a healthy woman be willing to take part in threesomes etc, with a man she has known for two months?

 

I read somewhere that one of the signs of a Borderline Personality or a damaged woman is... Sexual abuse at an early age... And when she meets a guy, she will offer to do almost ANYTHING sexually..

 

I'm a pretty forgiving guy... Maybe that is my problem.

 

My biggest concern with the CURRENT situation was, the cocaine use.. And the association with a pornographer.

 

Both could have spelt real danger further down the line.

 

Its a double edged sword.... When you develop feelings for a girl like this, you start to mistrust her and therefore become somewhat insecure.

 

Insecurity isn't an attractive quality.

 

I have read up about toxic women... And how the most ALPHA male turn into a weeping little BETA after an encounter with certain types of woman.

[soulforge]

Do you guys think a female taking cocaine is a big issue?

[mark clemson]

Yes, WAY too many red flags IMO. You needn't feel self-doubt about your decision to walk away. Cocaine use ALONE would be enough for me, never mind the other stuff. It's illegal in most countries for very good reason.

 

Don't FWB her - it sounds like you have feelings + if you're familiar she may one day be breaking into your home to steal things to support a coke addiction or similar. I'm not saying she's an addict or anything right now, but who knows what may come of her lifestyle.

 

You do NOT want a person like this sexing you up until you develop feelings and then turning your life into a trainwreck if their life takes a turn for the worse.

 

I suggest you DON'T underestimate the potential for a person like this to mess up your life - she might really screw you up in multiple ways. Think jailtime when she hides her stash in your home. Stranger things have certainly happened...

[soulforge]

Yes, WAY too many red flags IMO. You needn't feel self-doubt about your decision to walk away. Cocaine use ALONE would be enough for me, never mind the other stuff. It's illegal in most countries for very good reason.

 

Don't FWB her - it sounds like you have feelings + if you're familiar she may one day be breaking into your home to steal things to support a coke addiction or similar. I'm not saying she's an addict or anything right now, but who knows what may come of her lifestyle.

 

You do NOT want a person like this sexing you up until you develop feelings and then turning your life into a trainwreck if their life takes a turn for the worse.

 

I suggest you DON'T underestimate the potential for a person like this to mess up your life - she might really screw you up in multiple ways. Think jailtime when she hides her stash in your home. Stranger things have certainly happened...

 

Mate I really don't think she is an addict.. She has a reasonably good job and a mortgage on her house.

 

All that being said, she claims to use it occasionally when going out drinking.

 

However her friend seems to be addicted to cocaine, and my concern was, if she associates with addicts, then it could be a matter of time till she starts using more.

 

Do I really want to fall in love with a girl who may turn addict one day?

 

My other huge concern is, this old pornographer guy seems to be a BIG influence in her life, and will ALWAYS be in the picture..

 

How can I be with a girl who has this type of sleazy character always on the scene?

 

What are the chances she would go back to her old life of nudity or involvement in pornography.

 

This old man is ugly and old, but my guess is he probably has influence and money.

 

Also where does she get the cocaine from.. Does she visit a dealer.. Girls who go to dealers may end up paying for the drugs in other ways.

 

I am not saying that is what she does, but this is how your mind begins to operate when you're girl is around drugs.

[Marc878]

You are giving up to much headspace and putting too much thought into this train wreck.

 

Some snakes are beautiful to look at too but they tend to bite you in the ass.

[assertives]

I agree you are giving this too much headspace. You have already decided you cannot accept some of her behaviors and have ended things. Move on, no point harping on that 63 year old photographer, it's no longer your problem. You guys are no longer together.

[mark clemson]

Agreeing with the great points above.

 

Do I really want to fall in love with a girl who may turn addict one day?

 

My point exactly - you DON'T. Period, end of story.

 

 

What are the chances she would go back to her old life of nudity or involvement in pornography.

 

Also where does she get the cocaine from.. Does she visit a dealer.. Girls who go to dealers may end up paying for the drugs in other ways.

 

I am not saying that is what she does, but this is how your mind begins to operate when you're girl is around drugs.

 

 

I think the readers here all understand the points you're making. And we're helping you to recognize that, sexy or no, and doing ok right at the moment or no, she's simply not worth the risks.

 

I think you do have some level of emotional connection to this woman or you wouldn't be second guessing your wise decision to get out of this now. You really really need to get past that IMO. There are other beautiful, sexual women in the world who aren't coke users with ties to the porn industry. Go find one of those. Seriously.

[soulforge]

Agreeing with the great points above.

 

 

 

My point exactly - you DON'T. Period, end of story.

 

 

 

 

 

I think the readers here all understand the points you're making. And we're helping you to recognize that, sexy or no, and doing ok right at the moment or no, she's simply not worth the risks.

 

I think you do have some level of emotional connection to this woman or you wouldn't be second guessing your wise decision to get out of this now. You really really need to get past that IMO. There are other beautiful, sexual women in the world who aren't coke users with ties to the porn industry. Go find one of those. Seriously.

 

I think it was more lust and sexual attraction..Yes I enjoyed spending time with her, but I wasn't in love with her or anything that serious.

 

You make valid points.. The potential of things going WRONG here was very HIGH

 

Plus when you don't trust your girl, then what do you have left in the form of healthy relationship or peace of mind.

 

I HATE the idea of being with my woman, and this sleazy man will always be an influence over my girlfriend or wife for ever more.

 

Then all the male freinds she has.. She even talked about one of her male freinds MOVING IN with her, when we first started seeing each other.

 

Understand guys.. This girl had the most amazing figure, she was a model after all.

 

However... I need to be with someone who doesn't present this much danger in the relationship, and don't have always be cautious and wary with constantly.

[mark clemson]

A wise maneuver. Find someone just as attractive and loving who doesn't have all the weird issues.

[soulforge]

A wise maneuver. Find someone just as attractive and loving who doesn't have all the weird issues.

 

Easier said than done Bruv... She was the hottest chick I dated, and I am 43 years old.

 

That being said, I rather find a girl a little less attractive, who won't *** my life over further down the line.

 

Or become a cocaine junkie

[schlumpy]

I was out by red flag #5. I really strongly believe in not setting myself up for failure in the future. There's no way she can play it straight for any appreciable length of time. Too many unknowns to cope with.

 

Best Wishes

[soulforge]

I was out by red flag #5. I really strongly believe in not setting myself up for failure in the future. There's no way she can play it straight for any appreciable length of time. Too many unknowns to cope with.

 

Best Wishes

 

 

Well turns out she is back on POF after 4 weeks of breaking up.

 

For some odd reason she has added my profile to her favourites?

 

I am guessing she is trying to say something or maybe just throwing bread crumbs to grab my attention.

 

Either way I totally ignored her.

[soulforge]

I

I was out by red flag #5. I really strongly believe in not setting myself up for failure in the future. There's no way she can play it straight for any appreciable length of time. Too many unknowns to cope with.

 

Best Wishes

 

Mate the nudity and porn involvement she claims was years ago.. Maybe 8 years ago, but I am not sure.

 

My fear is, her life takes a dramatic turn and she turns to her old lifestyle again.

 

Also the occasional cocaine use, can easily turn into an addiction one day.

 

Plus she has many male friends, and one who was going to move in with her.

 

How do you build a healthy relationship of TRUST around such unstable foundations.

Edited July 25, 2019 by soulforge

[Maddie82]

Easier said than done Bruv... She was the hottest chick I dated, and I am 43 years old.

 

That being said, I rather find a girl a little less attractive, who won't *** my life over further down the line.

 

Or become a cocaine junkie

 

No offence but constantly saying she's the hottest chick you've ever dated makes you sound pretty shallow. It's not about looks. Although that's all it seems to be about for you.

[soulforge]

No offence but constantly saying she's the hottest chick you've ever dated makes you sound pretty shallow. It's not about looks. Although that's all it seems to be about for you.

 

I agree with you... I should have looked at her character and what value she would have bought to my life... Instead of looking at her fitness

[soulforge]

I know everyone has told me a million times on here, that she is not a good candidate for a relationship... And I should RUN

 

But today for some reason been really missing her and thinking about her.

 

I suppose its the normal process after you detatch yourself from someone you cared about it.

 

I even had doubts about my day decision... But I am pretty certain I did the right thing.

[soulforge]

I had a couple of days of feeling MUCH better about things...

 

However took a little downer today... Started to miss her a little.

 

 

Have any of you guys had a similar experience to mine?

 

Did you ignore the red flags?

 

 

I was reading up on the effects of cocaine use today.... Wow I didn't realise how horny chicks get when high on cocaine.

 

Damn she could have easily cheated on me, when out drinking and getting high on coke!

[mark clemson]

I wouldn't say a similar experience, but I suspect many of us have had "problem" GFs and BFs and can relate at that level.

 

You need to stay firm here. If you miss her, seek solace elsewhere.

 

There isn't really that much more to say IMO, but if you want my sympathy you have it in the sense that sexy girls who sex you up a lot can be very hard to walk away from.

 

Try to think a lot about that creepy dude who sleeps over. Maybe she owes him money or something and he's taking "alternate payment". Who knows *shudder*...

[soulforge]

I wouldn't say a similar experience, but I suspect many of us have had "problem" GFs and BFs and can relate at that level.

 

You need to stay firm here. If you miss her, seek solace elsewhere.

 

There isn't really that much more to say IMO, but if you want my sympathy you have it in the sense that sexy girls who sex you up a lot can be very hard to walk away from.

 

Try to think a lot about that creepy dude who sleeps over. Maybe she owes him money or something and he's taking "alternate payment". Who knows *shudder*...

 

The old creepy ex pornographer was a big worry.... What makes matters worse is, she claimed that HE is the only guy who understands her.

 

She swears they have never had sex... He only used to take nude pictures of her, and they worked as business partners in making pornography, bondage porn etc.

 

Sleazy right?

 

He would ALWAYS be in the picture... This old dude must have influence and money.

 

So a relationship with her, would mean, having this ex pornographer linked to my girlfriend or partner for pretty much forever.

 

Does any of that seem normal? How many men have girlfriends or wives, and a pornographer who is very close to his woman in the picture?

 

Plus cocaine use man.... I don't think I could trust her going out with her friends drinking, because I know the drugs could come into play.

 

 

Hell... I wish she wasn't that hot... would have been soooo much easier to walk away from!

Edited August 1, 2019 by soulforge

[soulforge]

Getting there guys!

 

Every week feeling more certain about my decision.

 

Starting to see more clearly how she was a terrible candidate for a relationship.

 

Also how much pain I could have been months down the line, if I had continued seeing her.

 

Solid NC

[soulforge]

In a much better place than where I was some weeks

Back..

 

However I didn't realise, a 4 month breif relationship would be This difficult to get over.

 

Pretty much every girl i meet now, attracctivness wise doesn't match up to my ex.

 

I suppose i will have to settle for less looks wise, but find a much better quality woman.

[balletomane]

I got a bit uncomfortable reading this thread. She has obviously had a really hard life, and I'd guess the reason why she wanted you around when that pornographer stayed over was because she's frightened of him. The sex industry is very exploitative and often dangerous. No, it's not your responsibility to 'save' her, and I wouldn't date someone with that many red flags either. I think you're right to walk away. But there's a lack of empathy here that feels disturbing. If I did fall for a man who was obviously troubled I hope I'd walk away with compassion and not just harp on about how hot he was, how sexy, how horny and likely to cheat he might get when doing coke, and conclude that I need to learn to go for quality over sexiness (right after wondering if we could be FWB). You've made it clear that she's really suffering, and it comes across as callous when you just keep talking about her looks in a situation like that. She wouldn't be good for you, but it's unlikely you'd be good for her if this is your reaction. You both need somebody different.