Trying to deal with feelings for another while married

[BillBrasky]

One of those things that I know shouldn't be bothering me, but it is and I can't really talk to anyone about it.. My wife & I have been happily married for years, and have kids. The last few years of our marriage have been the best, and I'd never had any doubts about anything.

Which is why this has been bothering me. A while back I went to a work related conference, where I met another woman in the same industry. She was also happily married with a family. I don't really interact with people very much, so most all our conversations in our down time were initiated by her, she seemed to really take an interest in me, and I in her. She was one of the most genuinely kind people I'd met in a long time. Our conversations were mainly work related at first, and as we got to know each other became more personal, but never crossed into anything I'd call flirting. We connected on social media, and continued to stay in touch after the conference. Having a very open relationship, I told my wife about her, and she knew we stayed in contact occasionally, so nothing was hidden. In hindsight, our conversations started becoming more personal, but again, never flirty. After a few weeks of staying in touch, I was ghosted by this person. No warning signs, last messaging conversation we had was initiated by her and was a regular everyday chat.

This instantly gave me the willies, making me think I did something wrong. Both of us being religious, made me nauseaous to think she thought I was flirting with her. It took a while to realize it, but I eventually in hindsight saw I had feelings for this woman. Like if, God forbid this happen, we both someday divorced I would definitely pursue her. Maybe she had similar feelings and decided it was in both our best interests if we ended contact before anything crossing the line did take place? I do think it was probably justified & for the best. But honestly, if she wanted to end contact with me, all she had to do was stop sending me anything & I would've got the hint. But being blocked was definitely a slap in the face. What I think makes this the most difficult & hard to put behind me is that I know we will more than likely see each other multiple times in the future. I'll give a smile and a "Hi" like nothing happened, but it will definitely be uncomfortable for us both. This is what makes putting her out of my mind hard to do.

This in turn is affecting my marriage. I told my wife that I was ghosted by this person, and more or less tried to laugh it off, but I definitely would have a hard time talking to her about how it is still affecting me many months after the fact, without her realizing I have feelings for this woman, even though nothing took place.

Like I said, I'm not an overly social person, so I have a hard time talking to anyone about this, I tend to let things bottle up inside. I thought time would take care of this, but I guess not. Any advice on how to put this behind me in a positive way is appreciated, minus "counseling", cause that's not going to happen. Sorry for rambling & thanks for reading

[schlumpy]

After a few weeks of staying in touch, I was ghosted by this person. No warning signs, last messaging conversation we had was initiated by her and was a regular everyday chat.

This instantly gave me the willies, making me think I did something wrong.

This in turn is affecting my marriage.

 

Did you ever think that maybe she got caught?

 

You were saved and your marriage was saved. Now you have to do the work to bring yourself back.

 

Immediately block her back and erase all traces of her from your FB page.

 

The feelings you have are dangerous. You need to put a stop to them by telling your wife. Ask her for her help. I know it's risky but you need something to hang onto when you next see this woman although I would do everything I could to prevent that from happening. If you truly believe your marriage is at stake then that may be enough for you to walk away when next you meet.

 

Remember that you do not know this women. You only know what she has allowed you to see. The rest of her is what your mind has created to fill up the empty spaces.

 

If you cannot trust your wife then go no contact. If you can put enough distance between you and she then you may be, over time, able to overcome the compulsion. If you see her at a convention - leave the room. Run as if you life depended on it because it does. Those feelings you have will not go away and can reemerge at any time.

 

Many people fall into emotional affairs mostly because they lie to themselves.

 

Start telling the truth.

 

Best Wishes

[Atwood]

Have you thought about how you would feel if your wife experienced something similar with another man? I’m not saying this to provoke you, I just wonder if it might help ground you a little bit to realise how silly it would be to let something that was nothing affect your wonderful marriage. You might not think it was an where near flirting, but developing feelings is close enough to treading the line of an emotional affair. Wake up and realise how lucky you are that you didn’t cross the line because you could have really wrecked everything. Imagine how many times your wife might have met someone she really connected with and let it go because she loves you.

 

Also, bear in mind that people we barely know are always perfect. You have developed feelings for the “concept” of a person (which is very easy to have feelings for because this concept is always flawless). You didn’t have time to get to know her on a more than superficial level, so in your mind she’s probably an exciting idea to chase. Remember that this woman is no more special than any other woman and that what makes your wife special is everything that you’ve shared together and the intimate way you know her. If, for arguments sake, you and your wife got divorced and you skipped off into the sunset with this woman, you would find yourself in the same situation a few years down the line.

 

Be grateful for your wife and don’t take her for granted.

[Beendaredonedat]

Maybe she had similar feelings and decided it was in both our best interests if we ended contact before anything crossing the line did take place?

Maybe she did but why she did it isn't important. Whats important is that she did you a favor. By blocking you she put an end to the slippery slope the two of you were sliding down.

 

Now its your turn to stop the obsessive thinking on it, to stop worrying about any awkwardness should you meet at another work thing, and to put the focus back on your wife and how happy you are in your marriage to her, the mother of your children.

 

Your ego got stroked, you became a tad infatuated and now you are going through a bit of withdrawl from the habit/addiction of having her attention. You have no real "feelings" for her. How could you, you don't even really know her.

 

Head high, everything will be fine going forth.

[Mr. Lucky]

My wife & I have been happily married for years, and have kids. The last few years of our marriage have been the best, and I'd never had any doubts about anything.

 

Then you're asking the wrong question, because the real issue is "why would I act so self-destructively, risking something I claim is important to me"?

 

This is reinforced by the contradiction between your efforts to color your role as "never flirty" and your description of the void the absence has left.

 

Our subconscious is a sneaky b*st*rd, it tends to try and give us what we think we want. Not what we say we want, but what we really think we want.

 

Discussion with a counselor or therapist would bring to clarity to this stage of your life and a healthy path forward from here. It would also make you a better participant in what sounds like an otherwise good marriage. YMMV...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Beendaredonedat]

I'll add to my post above: Just because we are in a happy, humming along marriage, it does not mean that we stop being attracted to other people. What you experienced happens every single day to happily coupled up people who tear down romantic relationship boundaries in order to keep feeling the good feels that being attractived to someone and they (seemingly) being attracted to us brings out.

 

Had you not tore down your romantic relationship boundaries and stopped speaking to this woman after the event, you would be no worse for wear.

 

Lesson learned, yes?

 

Time to move on from it all now and get back to honour romantic relationship boundaries.

 

Cheers.

[BillBrasky]

I gotta say, I was very hesitant to post here. But very glad I did. Thank you all for the straight forward advice and words of encouragement. I'll definitely come back and re-read from time to time.

Again, you all have no idea how much I appreciate it and will definitely take it in & use it to better things.

[pepperbird]

op,

I would advise you to talk to your wife about this. TBH, it sounds like you have a bit of a crush on this other woman, and for whatever reason, she wisely decided to cut contact.

 

You didn't act on your feelings, you didn't go down the " the hear wants what it wants and I feel I have to explore this" route. You're self aware enough to recognize what was going on and to keep yourself in check.

 

Those are all good, and I wouldn't obsess too much over what happened. That feeds the beast, and assigns more importance to the brief relationship than it really deserves.

[Maddie82]

I don't think you should risk hurting your wife and your marriage by admitting to her that you had feelings for another woman. The outcome of something like that is never good. You just need to tell yourself that the cutting contact was for the best and move on. Concentrate on your wife and family. These feelings will pass in time.

[Beendaredonedat]

I don't think you should risk hurting your wife and your marriage by admitting to her that you had feelings for another woman. The outcome of something like that is never good. You just need to tell yourself that the cutting contact was for the best and move on. Concentrate on your wife and family. These feelings will pass in time.

 

100% Agree, Maddie.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

How long ago were you ghosted? Is this feeling fresh?

 

It will pass in time. Be thankful that she either came to her senses, or was caught by her husband or a good friend. I agree, don't share anything more with your wife unless there's more you need to confess you haven't told us.

 

Focus on the great things about your wife and fix your mind on those. Over and over, every day. Maybe even plan a couples trip together for something to look forward to.

 

You said you're religious. Christian? If so, when you find your mind starting to wander, redirect it with Christian music or a Christian reading (i.e. a book about being a good husband) or prayer.

 

Have as a rule to not become friends on social media with people you meet at conferences .

 

Good luck!

[BillBrasky]

How long ago were you ghosted? Is this feeling fresh?

 

It will pass in time. Be thankful that she either came to her senses, or was caught by her husband or a good friend. I agree, don't share anything more with your wife unless there's more you need to confess you haven't told us.

 

Focus on the great things about your wife and fix your mind on those. Over and over, every day. Maybe even plan a couples trip together for something to look forward to.

 

You said you're religious. Christian? If so, when you find your mind starting to wander, redirect it with Christian music or a Christian reading (i.e. a book about being a good husband) or prayer.

 

Have as a rule to not become friends on social media with people you meet at conferences .

 

Good luck!

 

Quite a few months ago, long enough that I figured those thoughts should've passed by now.. And I never looked at it that way, but I am now thankful she cut things off instead of having a "Why? What did I do?" mentality.

 

Although not a very good one, I'm Catholic. Thank's for the advice on music & reading material, I'll use that.

 

Since reading everyone's comments, I'm already on the up & up, there have been some really good points made.

[Kitty Tantrum]

Don't think of me as in any way representing all women or most women. I can only speak for myself and what I believe is right.

 

In MARRIAGE, I prefer absolute honesty. I also think that you can be honest without making this a huge deal. Using the phrase "have feelings" leads the mind to places where this interaction did not go.

 

I think it would be wise to clue your wife into the most basic and honest truth of the matter - which is that your ego got hurt. Your ego reeeally liked her, and that's all it was - because you LOVE your wife. You didn't hang your heart on this woman. You did stray into the territory of seeking validation outside of your marriage, and I think that's worth fessing up to. I think a woman worth her salt would appreciate that you recognize what happened and understand, if in retrospect, that it was dangerous.

 

Frankly, it's also a prime opportunity to get on the same page with your wife regarding what qualifies as "too familiar" in your marriage, with regard to opposite-sex acquaintances - for both of you.

 

Also think of it this way: your wife deserves to know as much about this other woman's side of the story as you do - and she deserves to know MORE about your side of the story than the other woman knows. She is your WIFE.

 

I could easily forgive my husband for an awful lot of things, but the decision to keep me in the dark would be pretty egregious. It leaves an awful lot of room for me to be caught unawares, embarrassed, potentially even endangered - in the event that the other woman is some kinda crazy. I'll probably actually TELL my fiancé this before we get married: if a woman crosses your marital boundaries, whether you wanted her to or not, please just assume that she'll try to confront me someday - and if you've chosen to give her the upper hand in that confrontation (knowledge is power) - that is basically treason, and she can have you.

 

It seems unlikely that this woman will cause trouble, but in MY book, it's a matter of principle. The principle exists because sometimes we are incorrect in our estimation of others, and the consequences for even unintentionally betraying your allegiance to your spouse can be dire. Even a situation that was NOTHING may be made into something once it is revealed that truth has been withheld.

 

I'd also recommend assuming that this other woman chose to act honorably when either she or her own partner realized the potential dangers of the situation. It feels like a slight to you, but she ought to be commended. I would just treat her kindly if you see her again. Don't try to get personal, don't follow if she tries to go there, don't ever spend time alone with her - treat it like a do-over where you never even get close to that line. If she ever asks about it, that's exactly what it is.

 

As a general rule, don't keep close opposite sex friends when you're married (or otherwise formally taken). Keep 'em at arm's length. I have one guy friend I talk to on the social medias (I've never actually met but we've been internet friends since I was like 15, from a video game website). I used to talk to him a lot, and I'd be a little embarrassed if my fiancé ever wanted to go back and read some of those messages from before he and I ever got together, but everything since then I wouldn't even bat an eye. We go days or weeks without talking, and that's partly because my marriage preservation instinct says that it ain't right to be having DAILY, personal, private conversations with other men - no matter how innocent.

[somanymistakes]

I don't think you should risk hurting your wife and your marriage by admitting to her that you had feelings for another woman. The outcome of something like that is never good. You just need to tell yourself that the cutting contact was for the best and move on. Concentrate on your wife and family. These feelings will pass in time.

 

SECRETS are never good.

 

The idea that "as long as she doesn't find out, then no harm is done" is exactly what leads many people into affairs... or worse.

 

If you can't talk to your spouse about your feelings, you do not have a marriage. You have only a comfortable and convenient lie in which you pretend to be a person that you're not.

 

And what do you think will happen when your spouse finds out the truth? Then you've hurt them twice over, once by doing whatever you did and then again by lying.

[somanymistakes]

 

As a general rule, don't keep close opposite sex friends when you're married (or otherwise formally taken).

 

The problem with this idea is that if you're bisexual, it means you're not allowed to have any friends at all.

 

It also leads to extremely unpleasant situations where places that have been traditionally male-dominated (some businesses, governments, etc) balk at admitting women because in their viewpoint, women exist only for sex, talking to a woman is inherently sexual, therefore all women must either agree to become prostitutes or be banned from the business. (Obviously this is not everywhere, but there are many known cases of it happening.)

 

Basically, I think a strict fixation on male/female has its own dangers. The issue is whether a particular friendship is too close, not on whether it's with a man/woman. For that matter, even non-sexual relationships can become a threat to a marriage if they get too involved.

[Kitty Tantrum]

Ah yes - that's why I said "as a general rule." Obviously you have to take that rule and tweak it to fit your situation, based on where your own "danger zone" is.

 

While everything you said is valid, it still remains true that for MOST PEOPLE, steering clear of close relationships involving daily private interactions with the opposite sex (whether on Facebook, or at work, or wherever) is a highly effective way to greatly reduce the risk of being caught up in something that might harm their marriage. Situational- and self-awareness is also important, of course, to mitigate lesser risk factors.

 

I get what you're saying about women in male-dominated industries, but the statistics bear it out: when men and women work closely together, they tend to boink each other. The workplace affair didn't become a trope for no reason. Human nature is not overcome by political correctness. And you don't have to think that women are "only for sex" in order to recognize that nature tends to at least TRY to assert itself whenever and wherever the opportunity arises - and that many workplaces are structured in a way that affords quite a lot of opportunity.

[Saracena]

I'd also recommend assuming that this other woman chose to act honorably when either she or her own partner realized the potential dangers of the situation. It feels like a slight to you, but she ought to be commended. I would just treat her kindly if you see her again..

 

Eh? Regardless of her motives for ceasing contact and we are all only assuming here, she most certainly didn't act very honourably towards the OP by simply ghosting and blocking him! A few lines simply explaining her reasons (very understandable if she felt their liaison was endangering her marriage) was all that was required. Instead her actions were very selfish and cruel and we can all see the effect it had on him.

 

OP she doesn't sound a very nice person at all and I would focus on this instead of wondering what on earth you did wrong, which in all likelihood is nothing at all.....

[elaine567]

I guess the ghosting and blocking were probably at her husband's instigation, He probably was none to pleased to have his wife chatting with another man.

 

I think if she had just decided it was all getting too much she would have said so... and then reduced or cut contact.

 

If you want to keep your marriage intact, then I would not tell your wife you had feelings for another woman, you will hurt her deeply and it may be the end of your marriage as you know it.

Once trust is gone, it is often simply gone...

 

I know it was all "above board", but it wasn't really was it... you need to ask yourself some hard questions.

[Saracena]

I guess the ghosting and blocking were probably at her husband's instigation, He probably was none to pleased to have his wife chatting with another man. .

 

Regardless of whoever instigated it, she could still have explained the situation to the OP. I know I would have.

 

Most people have an idea of how it must appear to the other person involved, that is those who have an ounce of consideration for others!

[elaine567]

Regardless of whoever instigated it, she could still have explained the situation to the OP. I know I would have.

 

Not if he made it clear she was never to contact this man ever again and he was closely monitoring her and/or was threatening divorce.

To do so may have meant lying to her husband and risking her marriage...

[Mr. Lucky]

Instead her actions were very selfish and cruel and we can all see the effect it had on him.

 

The effect on him seems to have been the realization he was in a dangerous place so, for the OP, hopefully lesson learned.

 

A gentle unwinding of the relationship may have left him looking for another "friend"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[pepperbird]

I

 

If you want to keep your marriage intact, then I would not tell your wife you had feelings for another woman, you will hurt her deeply and it may be the end of your marriage as you know it.

Once trust is gone, it is often simply gone...

 

.

 

 

After my husband had an affair, our counselor pointed out how, as part of a mature, intelligent and informed relationship, one has to recognize that it's normal for someone, even if married, to feel a sense of attraction/ interest in another. Hiding this or pretending it doesn't exist is one sure way of making these feelings grow.

 

If my husband had come to me when he first started feeling an inkling of attraction to the woman he cheated with, we could have looked at the issue together. As it stood, it was hidden and darkness thrives in the shadows.

 

In the op's case, one can see how the hiding of feelings has allowed them to grow. If he had been honest with his wife at the start, he may well not be finding himself in the place he is today.