We aren't as close anymore

[mortensorchid]

On Sunday I had my long time bff come over for dinner. We've been through a lot, he's been my rock in many situations and I him. In the last few weeks / months we have drifted and he referenced this. He is 62, he doesn't like to go out as much anymore (like I don't). He said to me last summer at times he wished he had a cabin in the woods and didn't have to talk to anyone again, and I said I am feeling somewhat the same. As you get older, the want and need to socialize goes down for a lot of reasons. One of them being that you are sick and tired of people and dealing with their nonsense which you seemed to think was okay when you were younger. Most of the friend group is now older, we don't go out and party until the wee hours anymore and we barely if ever go out to see rock music anymore (which was what we always did). But, like I said, it's changed.

 

I said to him that this is being in a LTR - we're different people now, we have both changed quite a bit. If he wants alone time, he can have alone time and I feel the same. He said we're not as close as we used to be, I said yes, but we're still bound for life because that's how it is. I said I have probably done/said a lot of things in the past that have bothered him, he said yes. I said he has done/said a lot of things in the past that have bothered me. But we can't take those things back. He said he promised he was not ignoring me and we'll get together real soon for a trip to the drive in. He said he feels at times that he's like a father figure to me, I said at times yes but other times I feel like he's the child and I am the parent. We're kind of a comedy team, where I'm the strait man and he's the happy, bumbling fool. He said I never say anything positive about him, I said all he does is criticize me and remind me of things (that I'm 44 and too old to attract someone). I've had 5 relationships in my lifetime, #3 was the love of my life, and all of them have dumped me because they didn't want to make the commitment. He said with #4 I didn't have the same passion as I did with #3, I said that was right to be sure. I said he also said to me in the few guys that he met he told me he thought all of them were gay when they were not. I said that's not the case.

 

I don't know what to do. I told him that this is part of being in an LTR - we have both changed a lot and now we're different people and we have to cope with that. I don't think I did anything wrong, or did I?

[Happy Lemming]

It sounds like he is going through a transition in his life.

 

I understand his desire to live in a cabin in the woods away from all people.

 

I don't think you did or said anything wrong.

 

I think all men change to some degree as they transition to the next stage in life, during that transition some pick up more of a crusty or cranky attitude and don't want to deal with any people at all.

 

I feel myself becoming more of a curmudgeon, as a age. Nothing wrong with it, just part of my transition.

 

Go to the occasional "drive in" with your friend, but don't be surprised if he becomes more distant as time passes.

[Foxhall]

It is good to have a friendship like that where you can easily have the banter and say what is on each others mind without worrying are you offending the other,

 

I suspect hes has just withdrawn into himself slightly for whatever reason,

 

best thing for you to do is to keep inviting him for dinner regularly let him know his friendship is still valued and so on,

 

even the closest of friends need to be reminded of that from time to time.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Why do you feel you have to do anything?

[alphamale]

ahhh I was waiting for the latest mortensorchid thread

 

anyways, have you slept with this "bff"? I don't understand are you in a romantic relationship with this dude or are you just friends?

[mortensorchid]

We are just friends. But like I said, this is an LTR and in one both people change and we have as well. This is a transitional time for both me and him in our relationship. We're different people now like everyone else is after almost 25 years. Hard to believe at times I was a tender 22 and he was 40 when we met, now I am 44 and he's 62. But we'll keep calm and carry on.

[alphamale]

We are just friends. But like I said, this is an LTR and in one both people change and we have as well. This is a transitional time for both me and him in our relationship. We're different people now like everyone else is after almost 25 years. Hard to believe at times I was a tender 22 and he was 40 when we met, now I am 44 and he's 62. But we'll keep calm and carry on.

 

why are you friends and not lovers?

[preraph]

I've just never heard anyone call a friendship an LTR. I always thought that was reserved for romantic unions.

 

Don't be running off any old friends.

[PRW]

I don't know what to do. I told him that this is part of being in an LTR - we have both changed a lot and now we're different people and we have to cope with that. I don't think I did anything wrong, or did I?

Just focus on the positive stuff. Anyone can complain about negatives in the past,...that doesn't take any work, anyone can do it. It has been too long, the petty stuff doesn't matter any longer.