I am so...so angry and upset right now. Can anyone take the time to read this ?

[meriland31]

My husband wants to leave me. After 4 years. He wanted to leave me 3 mths ago cause we had a fight over me having anxiety, getting angry sometimes and being too scared/procrastinating getting help for it despite him encouraging me constantly to go get help (i was later diagnosed with complex PTSD). I tried to save my marriage after that fight by finally getting mental help. The day I went to get help, he was willing to try again and see if I really change. The past 3 mths have been adventurous and loving. Sleeping under the stars, kissing my shoulders EVERY morning to wake me up, cuddles, etc. We hadnt had a fight in months, which is huge. The other day we had a dispute that pertained to him saying he doesnt have remorse/regrets towards anything he has done or said. Even in regards to wanting divorce before. I got upset, and every time i questioned something, he kept saying painful things that were conflicting things he said/did before...that worried me..and I kept asking about it past his bedtime. July 4 he wrote down 4 questions in a book for me to answer.

 

1: Why are we in a relationship if there will never be trust between us?

 

2: If you want me to tell you what I want, why don't you listen to the answer?

 

3: We prolong the inevitable outcome trying to patch up our relationship. I thought you didn't want that to happen? Not lead you on like I did my other relationships?

 

4: I'm sorry we rushed into marriage. I thought it would help your anxieties

 

I was starting crying. He was calm and collected so he wasn't being a jerk at all. In fact, he was crying too. He said that the past 3 months have been just 'okay'. Like, he enjoyed going to new places.. but he didn't feel fulfilled, because he felt like he couldn't trust me enough to open up to me about how he feels about things, cause I react so he hides it and feels unfulfilled as a result. And that he was trying to ignore how he felt and just tried to pretend? That he would rather do adventures alone. That he would be unhappy without me, but unhappier with me cause he doesn't want to deal with anyone's stress other than his own atm. That he doesn't 'want' this, he feels he 'needs' it. That he isn't himself. I said "I thought we were doing great the past 3 months". I spent a lot of money doing everything he loves. Him taking selfies everywhere with me, and I controlled my anxiety so much better. He would kiss me every morning so sweetly.. and he told me "for you the adventures were great, but I was not happy, it was not enough. I felt something missing. I haven't been happy for a while".

 

I told him that if I don't make him happy, then I'll accept his wishes. He started getting sad. And then he said... "I want you to be happy too honey and you don't seem like you have been lately either" I told him "I dont understand..whenever you seemed upset I always asked what was wrong and you said it was work or something..and when I ask you if it was me, you got mad that i didn't believe you were happy with me. You always complain I don't believe you cause I need reassurance ...and that it hurts your feelings. Why are you proving me right?" And " if you are so unhappy the past couple weeks, why did you want to surprise me with a tattoo wedding band?" he said "it was your idea"...wow. I mentioned it as a joke 1 YEAR ago. I accidently found out the secret that he was going to do it and he got upset that I spoiled the surprise. My 'idea' my ass.

I asked him if he wanted a separation or a divorce. He said "I want a divorce because it would be harder to be just separated and it wouldn't allow me to fully let you go cause you'd still be...'here' in a way." But then i asked if he wants it for 'now' or 'forever' and he said " for now" And then told me he loves me, reciprocated that we love each other more than anybody ever, cried, etc.

 

I asked him if he was just trying to soften the blow on me and he really wants to be without me forever.. and he shrugged, and said "in the future, if you become more stable and happy ..then maybe we can talk about it". And I said "is that what you're hoping for?". And he shook his head yes. And then I said "..or do you just really want us to never see each other again". His response was.."like i said, I don't know. I will have to be apart from you to have the answer to that"

 

I told him, I have nowhere to go right now (he uprooted me across country with his parents. I know no one here and haven't been in this state long enough to have a job yet) and I would like to try and get an apartment but I don't want it to be awkward living here. And he said "that's fine, and we can all like go do things as a family together but just know that we're NOT going to do things as a couple. This would be so there's no animosity in the house. The end goal is divorce so just to make that clear".

 

And after we had this somber divorce agreement.. he went out to Home Depot. I was at the time wrapping up our wedding photos and putting them away. Crying.. because I couldn't stand walking past them anymore. His mother came halfway upstairs feeling really bad for me, telling me I am always welcomed and loved and can stay as long as I want. That minute, he came back into the house, his mom turned around and asked him "what you got?" He went (and this is no exaggeration) "I got an awesome foam topper for when we go caaamping!! Oo and I also got this and this, and it will be soo fun! ^_^". He then came upstairs to put the foam topper on the bed but noticed i was wrapping our wedding photos up on it and he said "Oh, I can see you are busy hehe. I will put this in the other room. ;)" . I was sick to my stomach with how jubilant he was.

 

I went out to talk to my friend. When i came back in the house, everyone...him, his parents..were doing that " how you doing sweety? Lets go to fireworks tonight!". And then he was like "Oh, hey hey look at this Sarah! Look at this awesome Geode! It really polished up nice . Hey does hot dogs sound good for dinner?". And then like, walking around laughing with his folks, BBQing. "Hey mom! You want a hot dog with this salad? They are gluten freeeee" and stuff like that.

 

Anyways, my sister wrote to him a rather logical short message today about how marriage is hard and love is effort sometimes, how I was uprooted and that isnt fair, but she understands how my anxiety can be too much, but I have been trying and better than I have ever been. She told him I'll be fine either way, and to do with the message what he will, but just to know she sees both sides here.

 

He apparently wrote her this:

 

"The primary issue is lack of trust. I'm not trying to lead her on. I told her I need a separation to even begin to see what I want. Was hoping to go from there and I'll help her get where she wants to be."

 

So, iono...does it seem...ESPECIALLY based on the last quote here, that its 'over'? Like iono...no one here can tell me if he still has romantic feelings for me so I don't know wtf im going on about. Im just giving him his space and I just got a job today. What do you think about his last message to my sister?

 

EDIT: My best friend messaged me all down cause she was going to wish him a Happy Birthday on FB and saw she was deleted. I confronted him like "why would you delete her?" he said "I deleted over 100 ppl cause I talk via text or not at all". I call BS...if that's the case, just delete your FB. His FB friend count went from like 200 to 68..deletion included all my family (like 20 ppl) except for me...he still has me on his friends list. What in the actual.....???

[Flame Aura]

Why does he feel you don't trust him? What specifically have you done to make him feel like that?

[amaysngrace]

He’s married but still lives at home? Sweetie he’s got bigger problems than having to deal with your anxiety.

[meriland31]

Why does he feel you don't trust him? What specifically have you done to make him feel like that?

 

Cause I was paranoid he would leave me. Leave me for someone else or just leave me. He always reassured me that wasnt the case....until he says something, not intending to be mean..but it is painful, I get on a rant with him..and he just kinda got overwhelmed. No off switch on me kinda thing, thus, didn't feel he could trust me with his blunt honestly about how he feels about things. Not leaving me sorts of things, just things he says he doesnt realize is innapropriate or painful. I had to "earn it back" so to speak. Some of these things, anyone would be upset over...but I overdo it sometimes cause I talk a lot. The past 3 months, however, have been amazing with little to no pushback and so many loving adventures. But I was paranoid cause I knew he tried to leave me before despite spooning the nights before, or kissing my shoulders in the morning telling me "I love you baby", or kissing my forehead for no reason. Very affectionate and loving. I felt I couldn't trust these actions...I felt vulnerable when he did it cause my heart wanted to believe it, but I had no idea what was actually going on in his head. This, he told me I didn't trust him when he said he would stay, both feet were in, he wasn't upset about me, he loves me. Come to find out the other day he was faking it, as I suspected and he scolded me before for not believing him? And that I would have 'seen it'..that he wasn't happy. i don't understand. And now its like..he deleted all my family on fb, except for me..and I believe his excuse is BS. Doesn't it sound like BS? Would you trust that? I had been working on my self doubt...thinking, maybe I overassume and not see he loves me. He kisses me, holds me, cradles me...so why don't I believe that? I still am having a really hard time wrapping my head around this. I came up with a joking idea so long ago about wedding band tattoos...I mean, like I said, he was going to surprise me with one weeks ago. SURPRISE ME. I remember after we reconciled a few months ago, he asked me to come with him to shop for silicone wedding bands cause his real one hurts his finger at work. And when I found out the surprise about the wedding band tattoo, he said he wanted to do it so he wouldnt have to worry about a ring interfering at work at all. And when we had the divorce talk his excuse to that was to blame me for wanting to get a band tattoo cause it was 'my' idea? How the hell could you believe anyone who was willing to ink themselves to you, only to say they were unhappy and want a divorce and then blame you for the idea? And since he's been trying to act all buddy buddy with me. Today even..laughing at my jokes to his parents, talking to me, being carefree and nice to me. Thanking me for dinner, or dessert, and it means NOTHING? And his message to my sister...what does that even mean? Cheese and crackers...all I want to know is if he still harbors romantic feelings for me, or what the he'll is going on...

Edited July 9, 2019 by meriland31

[Mr. Lucky]

Cause I was paranoid he would leave me. Leave me for someone else or just leave me. He always reassured me that wasnt the case....until he says something, not intending to be mean..but it is painful, I get on a rant with him..and he just kinda got overwhelmed. No off switch on me kinda thing, thus, didn't feel he could trust me with his blunt honestly about how he feels about things.

 

Having seen depression, anxiety and mental illness up close in a family member, I'd never minimize the difficulty being with someone suffering these conditions.

 

Have you sat down and thought about what it's really been like for him? Sometimes people afflicted with these disorders are so focused on recovery and self-care they lose sight of the other half of the relationship.

 

Something to think about...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Acacia98]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, OP.

 

About your husband, it sounds like he genuinely wants out but is scared of making the change and then realizing he made a mistake.

 

Your best bet, I think, is to assume he wants out, let him go, and plan for a life without him. Because if you hold on to him, he may say something that gives you hope of salvaging the relationship then ultimately still leave you. He may also leave you in limbo for an extended period. And I imagine that would be hell to deal with.

 

Regarding the fact that it now turns out you were previously right about his ambivalent feelings and he was lying/in denial, that sucks. I guess he has some work to do on himself to get himself to an emotionally healthier place. Maybe it's because of the dynamic of your relationship. Maybe it's because of issues rooted in his family of origin. I genuinely don't know. But I wish you both the best dealing with what is certain to be a very difficult situation.

[BaileyB]

Having seen depression, anxiety and mental illness up close in a family member, I'd never minimize the difficulty being with someone suffering these conditions.

 

Have you sat down and thought about what it's really been like for him? Sometimes people afflicted with these disorders are so focused on recovery and self-care they lose sight of the other half of the relationship.

 

I would agree completely with this. Relationships are supposed to be a safe place - for both partners. That doesn’t seem to be the case here for either of you, which makes it pretty unsustainable long term... I’m sorry.

[Maddie82]

I've suffered with anxiety the last few years so i know it can make you think very irrationally. With you though it sounds like it went on for far too long and got severely out of hand to the point where he could no longer cope. Why didn't you seek help allot sooner? I can tell that there is allot that you have not disclosed regarding your behavior and his decision hasn't just come out of the blue. This has been an ongoing issue for many years. He is burnt out from worrying about you getting the wrong idea no matter what he does. You have left him permanently fearing that you will flip out about something and he clearly cant take that anymore. So, as someone else has said, you have to see things from his point of view and what you have been doing to him.

[stillafool]

He wants out. Since you still don't have a job you need to move back to your parents house or near them and start your life over there. At least you will have support from your family. Why stay with someone who isn't sure if they want you? Respect yourself more than that because he isn't showing you any respect. It seems that you are walking on eggshells in order to keep this man and even that isn't working. Do not try to stay there hoping things will get better and that he will want you. Move on with your life and give him his divorce.

[meriland31]

Why didn't you seek help allot sooner? I can tell that there is allot that you have not disclosed regarding your behavior and his decision hasn't just come out of the blue. This has been an ongoing issue for many years.

 

Cause I was scared.i was deathly afraid to open up my life story to anyone else, especially a stranger. I was told when I was little...over, and over that I needed help for my hypochondira. My sister insisted I talk to someone or my mom take me to someone okay? My mom was too embarassed to do so cause it was a small town and everyone knew her, and she didn't want her reputation spoiled. So my mom instilled that I deal with it myself cause thats what being a grown up means. My mom and dad were heavy alcoholics and were gone at the bar after work 6 days a week so it was practically me and my sister bouncing off of each other with pizza hut for a long point until she moved out (she's 8 years older). My dad always was a severely disabled man whos legs swelled up, heart failure, COPD, etc so if not at bar, at hospital for routine checkups and I was there too. My hypochondria started at 5 years old. I thought I had AIDS. No reason, just did. I also had vertigo spells. No reason. My mom and dad insisted I get checked for my fathers heart condition (IHSS) eventually which is a sudden death heart condition that is hereditary. The proceedures to take place are pretty intense, and the doctors wanted to wait until I was older to do that examination. Especially since the disease doesn't formulate till your 30s or so. At 23 years old, this dude reached out to me on FB. He said he was a friend of the family. He then sent me a letter with all these cut out photos of me and family members...and my mother looked...sad? The letter said that this man, was my biological father. My mom reluctantly agreed this was the case. I mean, this guy looked just like me and was left handed too.

 

My health anxoety was a on and off battle. Cancer, AIDS, ALS, CJD,Tumors, Melanoma, Parasites, Wet Gangrene, Pencreatic Cancer, Lung Cancer, COPD, Popcorn Lung...you name it, I probably worried about it at some point. Usualy it is some symptom I have and when I Google it, its like..not helpful. So I have a mental breakdown. This was abated for a long..long period of time when I met Ken. I knew it was a thing I do, had to deal with, thought I had a hold of it cause it hadn't happened for so long. Maybe that I grew out of it. Before I ever had a episode happen, I forewarned him that I had bad anxiety, I explained it all. He was understanding and thankful I told him.

 

When me and him first met..it was amazing. Sparks everywhere. For months after, we texted, etc. Realize he had a GF at the time, but it was 'short teen's as he called it. Like a placeholdership for convenience. He also made sure she agreed tl his need for an open relationship so he felt 'free'. Like the first question he asked me was what I thought of polygamy. I had no idea how to answer that, and given we were just friends at the time..i said Im not sure but I wouldn't say no (?). So he would text me how he has a crush on me, never felt like this for anyone before, etc..and that he has plans to leave his current GF cause he isnt happy with her. About 1 month later, I come to see him as a visit for a week. His GF was there the entire time and they were canoodling and being all lovey dovey. I felt weird and had a hard time understanding how he could be so affectionate to someone he doesn't plan to be with. It was just a whole lot of feeling uncomfortable and confused...always hanging out as a group. We even all went to the gay club and he was interested in sleeping with this gay guy. He bragged about it to me and his GF like "omg..i want a new you" kinda thing. Anyway, 3 months later he finally broke it pff with his GF (he was going to wait till after their planned CA trip to see her parents..) then I moved down to IA from MN. Again, anxiety isn't a issue yet, but I was already paranoid how this would play out, especially since our roommates were his other ex GF, and the gay guy from the bar. Before I even came to see him, I made it abundantly clear that I cant do a poly thing. I liked him too much. He agreed. I mean, he was vehemently head over heels bragging about me to everyone. Everyone said they had never seen him so happy and in love. But he was also like..relationship phobic, but wanted me, wanted FWB for now. When I ended up moving down, we ended up progressing into a full on relationship. Happy as clams. Maybe about 1.5 years in I started getting anxiety over something. Worried I had some disease. Ken was aware this was something I warned him about and he was able to try and calm me despite being irrational. Ken asked me to marry him. Then these became more frequent. I went to cardiologists, neurologists, radiologists, etc. Eventually it was like "I don't have the medical answers Sarah, go ask a doctor or go talk to someone" and that was that kinda thing. Admitedly i burdened him with it ...a LOT. He made an effort to get a therapist for me to which, she was a childs therapist and I didn't feel I was there for the right reasons. Next was Bob...Ken threatened that if I didn't go, he would leave me...so I went and he insisted he be there. Bob would ask me questions and if it seemed like I was skewing the anxiety situation...sugar coating so to speak, Ken would be there to but in and make sure Bob knows how he sees it. I was there but I felt pushed and nervous. I didn't feel I was there for me, but cause I was scared (?) everytime I had a hypochondria attack, ken would just say to go talk to Bob..or if he saw I was in a rut, would try and go places so that I am preoccupied..but it was like, sometimes I was so fixated and freaked..I had tunnel vision. "Hey Sarah, look at these trees!"...me..."what? (Looks up from send phone) oh yeah cool. That kinda **** really made him feel like, like he wasn't helping or appreciated. He was, just sometimes I couldn't see around me. We borh had great jobs, and a very loving routine, but sometimes..for maybe a day, maybe a week..a worry would completely disable me..and once I got over that hump, I would be fine. In a typical day he would wake me up with a kiss on my shoulder, i would get coffee/breakfast, we would drove to work together, buy breakfast, listen to tunes, work, get off work, go to a restaurant ans play cribbage, come home, watch Netflix, sex, spooning, sleep. Every day for ...3 years? (Well not always that routine depending on our days off lol) i think I had a spat once every...1.5 months. Sometimes short, sometimes longer. We were very giving to each other..so many surprises ans gifts, conventions, concerts...we got along so damn well. But with my anxieties, and his responses to it..I really started to feel..like on shake ground. When we are good, we are so damn stable, but when not...its like at those points I feel he is one foot in, one foot out. Very contradicting, thus, starting up my trust issue. I think it wasnt till..Dec 2018-April 2019 that I really....REALLY had a severe......SEVERE health anxiety crisis. When we moved here. There was a family crisis ajs everyone was panicked, I was already in a bad place and this made it worse. I went from...125 lbs to 103lbs..i barely even ate, my sleeping was ****ed. Ken was pissed at me about it and avoided me..like, no talking to him just no or "are you finally going to see someone yet?" and at that point..for the first time, I really considered it..but I was so god damn scared I was dying that I was like "my anxiety is the last of my problems right now" kinda thing...like, always convinced getting a Xray was of upmost importance. Clouded thinking. With his dismissive attitude and harsh wordage when I am in a state, but huggly snuggly and giddy when I am happy attitude..i started to get paranoid he would leave me. So Not only was I scared of dying, I was also scared of losing my husband. I tried to suppress and hide my issues to help him....but that anxiety turned to anger when he would say certain things to me, very...painful things...things that 100% contradict his loving actions and made no sense. I was mad cause I was confused I didn't know what to believe. Because I got upset, instead of understand and not be upset, he lost trust in me. Trust to say how he feels anyway.

 

the the night of our big argument, we were planning on going to a movie. I was giving him a kiss on the forehead, ready to go and I saw he was talking to our friend on the phone. Which is cool and everything. However, it was like he said he needed to desperately talked to her about something and then when he saw that I was like kissing his forehead and able to see he like quickly trying to change the subject? And so I asked if it was about me, and he said it was about work... I could tell that he was lying and asked him why and he said that he didn't want to start a fight before the movie. I wasn't mad that he was going to talk about me to somebody, I was mad that he was lying to me about me to my face. We had that argument and apparently that was enough for him to say he doesn't want to see me, be around me, sleep with me, that he gave me so many chances to get help and he was done. I turned into a ball bag and tried to beg, and he just looked at me like I was pathetic. I told him I would go to someone, I really need to try..and he told me it was too late, and going won't make him love me..i said "you don't love m---?" and he slammed the door in my face because it was his bedtime and he needed to wake up early. I went 3 days later to a therapist who..was genuinely concerned about me. I was picking my hands till they bled I was so nervous. Afterward, Ken wanted to try again but told me if I fall back, I would be "dead" to him. So I went to a therapist every week...proving majority beneficial in the health anxiety dept. Me and Ken had the best 3 months ever. We did.....so much. It was so lax and tranquil, he was so adoring towards me and I was so adoring to him...I truly felt he was happy. We hadn't had an issue since April. He did start acting off for a bit...not necessarily towards me..but in general. He blamed it on the fact he stopped taking testosterone (Ken is trans. He was having severe cramps with no flow for months. He was suggested to stop taking T till he had a period. He hadnt been off T for 10 years, same with the period). He said he was, and I quote "a total bitch" when he was a woman. Sometimes I did ask him if it was really me. I wanted to know I was doing okay and he was happy..and he always.....ALWAYS said it wasn't me, man even me assuming it made him mad. It wasn't till the stupid dispute, the 1st one in MONTHS..which is a huge feat, did he say he was 'faking ' it and miserable, something was missing. He couldnt be open about how he felt, so he lied..but I should have noticed it. So its my fault for responding to a guy instinct, then its my fault for ignoring it cause he basically told me its all in my head.

 

All the rest...you saw above. Its not 'as' hard to live in the same house as him as it was a few days ago? But it still isn't easy. He's being so nice to me and just...giddy and thanking me and basically acting like the best version of himself to me..but without the intimacy. I find myself really lonely wanting to cuddle at night. Feeling ashamed, aelfish, anger, remorse, and like I am toxic and unworthy, I try but its not enough, try to late, etc. To top it off, his mom told him yesterday she was planning on buying him a house. How do you think that felt? Y know?

 

 

 

His brother messaged me this the other day..:

" I am sorry. It's not you. You're truly a warm and caring person. I'm sorry Ken cant reciprocate the emotional commitment a relationship should have. Communication and trust are really everything. You arent alone in having anxiety/depression. Unfortunately, you also aren't alone in Ken distancing himself whenever he was needed either. No, I don't think you were an emotional tampon. I'd buy that maybe if you were dating..but 2 things: 1) Your inner voice is your worst critic. 2) You aren't dating. YOU'RE MARRIED. He knew damn well going in how your anxiety was. And you aren't the first person he's dated with anxiety/depression...and you arent the first he has left cause of it either, you are like.. the fifth. Vicky, Jen, Jess (ex spouse), Angie, and now you. He left ALL of them cause they needed emotional support. In every relationship I've seen with Ken, he's been great when the relationship is on rails and everyone is happy, but as time goes on and his partner becomes more "needy" (forgive the term), he distances himself and when the other partner continues to ask for support, he leaves. "Ken doesn't like being leaned on. He enjoys the good, and then bails when it becomes more than superficial. Even if things magically get better now, he's just going to do the same thing whenever your relationship inconveniences him. That's not right. He manipulated you into his idea of a convenient relationship. Meek, and easy. He's a sociopath. You gave up A LOT to be with him. Your home, friends, and vehicle when he suggested. Ken picks really great people, not going to lie...then he chews them and spits them out. He bails on everyone when things get complicated and inconvenient. Do you remember what I sat you down, and told you when you two first got together? About his history of breaking hearts and abandoning people? I meant that. And I wanted you to be aware of what you were potentially putting yourself into. He doesn't want to fix partners, but he definitely prefers less confident partners. I don't know why. And he doesnt want to expend the energy needed. He can't tell you how he feels cause he knows how you will react? Thats bull****, cause everything honest that comes out of his mouth is..well lets all be honest here, ****ing terrifying. I honestly in good faith do not think I could attend another wedding of his, if he has one. I really just want to be like " dude, get a Tinder acct or swingers club. You need to tell people relationships with you dont end well" lol. Just realize that I am here for you, Angie is too..and especially my parents. They really really like you and want you to stay, help you out, hang out. Screw Ken, HE can leave. Get alimony."

[vla1120]

I don't know that we have a full history of what has happened here, but I believe he is no longer able to cope with the mental health issues. While you may feel you have improved over the past three months, that is not enough for him to stay invested.

 

Honestly, I don't think you can have a healthy relationship with him or anyone else until you have addressed you own issues, and seek the help you need for YOU (not to please anyone else.) Can you move back near your family and friends? If so, I think that is your best option so that you have a support system while you are going through the process of individual counseling and making the necessary changes in your life that you need to make.

 

I can tell you this much - being a caretaker/support system to people in my life with mental health issues is absolutely exhausting and I can easily see how someone can throw in the towel, especially when people promise to get help, promise to follow the treatment plan, etc., but end up right back at point A, where they've been a dozen times.

 

So, again, I think the very best thing you can do is focus 100% on yourself right now.

[vla1120]

Well. Your last post completely changed my opinion! As I suspected, there was more to the story. No wonder you have anxiety! You entered into a relationship with someone who is interested in a poly and/or bi relationship. You were roommates with his ex and this gay guy. I don't think that would have been an easy scenario for anyone who decided they were not interested in poly relationships, and that should have been your clue to run, not walk, to the nearest exit. I'm not even sure why he committed to marrying you, given his propensity to want to experience other lifestyles.

 

He has shown a history of bailing when it gets a little tough, and that is what he is doing now. If I were you, I would not waste another minute on him or what he wants. Spend time taking care of yourself.

[pepperbird]

op,

I am sorry if this is hard for you to hear, but I can understand why divorce may be on his mind.

 

 

It's in no way your fault, but living with someone with PTSD can be really hard. I'm doing it now. My husband has combat related PTSD, and there are times it's absolutely exhausting for me and our kids. He did get help and did well for many years, but it's ramped up again so he's back in therapy.

 

As a PTSD spouse, I can understand why he may actually feel a sense of relief at the idea of you getting a divorce. Like I said, it's not your fault...no one asks for a mental illness. It's just the reality.

 

Gently, I know this is an awful time for you. Build a support system for yourself and use this time to work on yourself as much as you can. Your marriage may be over, but that doesn't mean your life is. Look after yourself and, hard as it may be, try and find acceptance.

Edited August 2, 2019 by pepperbird

[LivingWaterPlease]

meriland31, I'm so sorry for all you're going through.

 

The thing that makes most sense here is your brother-in-law's letter to you. It seems to me to be right on target and IMO it was kind of him to write it to you.

 

To me, your husband sounds as if he has as many or more issues than you do. To me, your issues seem small compared to Ken's. Seems to me your issues as a couple are as much his problem as yours.

 

In your place I'd return to live near my parents or any family member (sister?) or friend you have a good relationship with unless your job is important to you there and you feel you can make a new start where you are without Ken.

 

Then I'd get help healing from anxiety.

 

I wouldn't count on a future with Ken.

 

Once you begin to heal from your anxiety and from being in this dysfunctional relationship with Ken you'll most likely find a person with less issues than Ken has to make a life with. It may take time for all this to come about but it will be worth it.

[giotto]

To me, your husband sounds as if he has as many or more issues than you do.

 

 

I agree with this, and he is your husband, for God's sake! What a loser.