Break up after 2 years - i feel in denial

[goggy85]

Hi guys,

 

So here goes... i met my ex gf through tinder in the summer of 2017.

 

To cut the story short she was previously in long term relationship of 10 years of which 2 of them were being married. Her ex husband was a twisted individual who cheated on her & exploited her on the internet and may other things that had affected her confidence (shockingly he was a police officer. They split up a year prior to us meeting & hes constantly pestered her since (calls, messages, emails, stalking her outside her house daily even to the point he got a restraining or or so i believe against him. After him she dated a couple of guys, one who was very casual & one that wanted more and became nasty towards her...

 

Prior to meeting my now ex i was single for approximately 4 or 5 months until we matched on Tinder.

 

It was a whirlwind from the start a weekend in her local city & days at the beach all within 3 days - it was full on & felt amazing, she was well turned out & gorgeous.

 

Date after date & everything was going well until one evening i was staying at her place and there's a knock at the door (her ex) i didnt know anything about him until this evening, kicking & screaming at the door to the point she had to contact her local authorities (another police force to take him away)

 

thats when she told me everything about her 10 year relationship... She told me there & then that she didnt want to lose me. At the time i was ready to disappear but i saw potential in her.

 

We continued to date and the stalking & barrage of calls/emails continued. She told me he had threatened to kill himself many times.. Shes a good person but never knows when to put a stop to things.

 

She had health issues that she had to endure daily & i never blinked an eye and was always supportive... The only thing she complained about was that i was always trying to 'Fix' things & wasn't tentative to her needs but she knew she could rely on me.

 

fast forward a year or so and we had split up a handful of times as she struggled with so much, her health, the divorce, past hurt, the passing of her mum 10 years ago, work, coursework etc.

 

I started to heal and move on when we last split & was doing fine then all of sudden i got a call one evening with her telling me she was in a bad place so being the hero that i am (door mat) i was there.

 

Neither of us during these splits as far as im aware got with anyone else, the longest we split was 2 months.

 

fast forward again we had been back together since January of this year, she talked about the future and wanting to try for a baby etc... things were looking up. She told me she had a wedding coming up in the May her ex husband would be the best man at - i wasn't happy that it was the right thing for her to do and expressed this & let her make her own decision.

 

She had another family wedding before hand of which i wasnt invited to but whilst she was there down in the south of the UK she stayed in contact and expressed that she was missing me. We saw each other as soon as we got back but she was very tired and struggling with her health - we went out for the evening and had a meal...i said good night and went back to my house (she lived with her dad) a couple of days later i expressed that i was abit upset how she was with me that evening and literally within a couple of days she text me one evening that she wasnt feeling her self & that she felt she wasnt ready for a relationship. We parted ways with abit of desperation from me expressing that i loved her etc & she blocked me on her phone from making calls & texts we havent spoken properly in 3 months and certainly havent seen one another since the meal that evening.

 

I tried several times to reach out to no avail, she just told me she is confused and needs time to reflect.

 

the 3 months have gone by and because we still followed one another on instagram id seen a graduation post so i felt the need to congratulate her and sent her flowers and a small sweet message - part of me has been in denial that shes gone.

 

We tried to talk but ive got nowhere, shes told me im everything shes ever wanted on paper, face/body the lot but shes just confused and says we are miss-matched in several ways & not picked at little things.

 

I stupidly continued to pursue her when she recently told me shes decided to try dating and has been on a couple of dates with a guy who she says is a nice person. She didn't want to hurt my feelings but said she needs to give this a try, Is this a rebound?

 

I messaged her last night explaining that i meant everything i said & that i will have to come to terms that we are breaking up & i've exhausted my efforts. I also told her i was disappointed she ended it over text when we split especially after two years as we really did have some beautiful times together. I also said to her that she needs to learn from her mistakes with her ex as nobody else will put up with that nonsense and to stay safe x

 

i've decided theres nothing more i can do & i cant pursue her any longer. If she wants me she knows how to get hold of me... maybe by then i'll have moved on.

 

I love her & miss her and i know deep down we could have been so amazing...

 

What do you think the likely hood of her returning down the line is? is this just a rebound or am i in denial?

 

Thanks

[ExpatInItaly]

To answer your question, you are in denial. She’s not rebounding.

 

I say that because you admit you’ve split up a few times before. That isn’t normal in a committed and healthy relationship. My guess is that the majority of these splits were initiated by her? She doesn’t sound anywhere near as invested as you. Hence, she’s dating because she wants to see what else is out there and not because she’s pining for you and will latch on to any old guy to fill the void.

 

It’s time to let go of this woman. Yes, her ex was a mess. But she honestly doesn’t sound like a very stable or reliable person either. There’s no future for you and her.

[goggy85]

To answer your question, you are in denial. She’s not rebounding.

 

I say that because you admit you’ve split up a few times before. That isn’t normal in a committed and healthy relationship. My guess is that the majority of these splits were initiated by her? She doesn’t sound anywhere near as invested as you. Hence, she’s dating because she wants to see what else is out there and not because she’s pining for you and will latch on to any old guy to fill the void.

 

It’s time to let go of this woman. Yes, her ex was a mess. But she honestly doesn’t sound like a very stable or reliable person either. There’s no future for you and her.

 

Hi,

 

Thanks for the response, Yes most of the small splits were initiated by her. She was always a very stressful person & made drama out of the smallest of situations

 

Since her divorce she racked up a significant amount of debt & was not in a happy place workwise either. I saw past all of this and was very fond of the girl i first met. She was infatuated with me when we first met.

 

She has always had a way of wording things, "i feel confused" " i need to find myself" " i'm not ready for a relationship but i like dating you and your company"She was never direct in her approach & i feel shes a commitment phobe based on the past. Kind of felt like i was left dangling. Her sister told me shes a good person its just she doesn't want to upset people (probably why she checked in on her ex & his mental state)

 

It's a sad sad situation and it doesnt help now that a previous ex of many moons ago has been in contact since we split... Do i give this person a chance & go for a drink with them? will it help clear my head or make things worse?

 

cheers

[ExpatInItaly]

I would honestly just stay single for a while.

 

You stuck around for a lot of drama and unhealthy behaviour, which suggests you could spend some time working on your own self-esteem before dating again. Dating right now, when you're in that sort of mindset, is not likely to go well.

 

You also would be wise to let yourself fully detach and heal, rather than date as a coping mechanism. I don't know your history with this other ex, but it doesn't seem like you're in any place yet to explore other relationships.