Not sure how to approach this.

[Luke12345]

Hi everyone,

 

Ive just come out of a 5 and a half year relationship with my girlfriend and I'm really quite struggling right now because she broke it off with me and I still very much love her. This thread isn't "please tell me how to get her back" - it's done I'm sure. The biggest problem is I don't know why exactly because all she said was she wasn't feeling it anymore and didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore, no defined reason.

 

I appreciate context is good so here it is. I'm 28, she's 23, before you jump to conclusions of her age she's always been very mature even at 18 when I met her. We were in love for probably 5 years of the relationship. We broke up 6 months ago and got back together (same reason as now) but I'm not sure she ever came back to 'feeling it' again. I can't pinpoint what I've done but I can say it wasn't the same in our last year together and I know I could have been better. I'm blaming myself right now big time because I just feel I could have been better and towards the end I feel I could have been less smothering, however, I could see her drifting so that was just me trying really hard to keep her happy and interested and I probably asked 1 too many times what's wrong, what can we do to fix this, clearly to no avail and most likely thay pushed her further away.

 

At the end she wanted to be friends, she didn't want me out of her life she said but I said no I couldn't do it so we've gone from speaking every day for 5 and a half years to nothing the last 6 days.

 

There's some things I need to cover off with her which are quite personal so I won't say what but I need to have a conversation. Here's the crux of my thread, at the same time covering these off I'd really like to find out EXACTLY what went wrong but my smothering at the end of our relationship is deterring me from doing this. How can I go about this? I really want to know so I can improve as a person! I don't think its healthy for me we talk at all but we need to, do I take her out for a quick drink to do it as quick as possible? Just a phone call? Go to her house? Etc.

 

Thank you for anyone who read this whole thing.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Sounds like you are searching for closure. It is not worth it.

She may not even know why it was not working for her. Usually breakups like this are about the person leaving not the person being dumped.

Blaming yourself is not going to help.

 

She is very young and it is likely she wants to live it a little on her terms.

I don’t blame her. Life is a journey and you can’t play it safe and not regret it.

[Luke12345]

Sounds like you are searching for closure. It is not worth it.

She may not even know why it was not working for her. Usually breakups like this are about the person leaving not the person being dumped.

Blaming yourself is not going to help.

 

She is very young and it is likely she wants to live it a little on her terms.

I don’t blame her. Life is a journey and you can’t play it safe and not regret it.

 

Thanks for your response, I believe I may be looking for some closure but I just feel I need to know why.

 

So I need to speak with her nonetheless, do you suggest I don't bring this up and ask those questions?

 

Also I agree, she is young and probably does want to experience single life at her prime age for it and I don't blame her why.

 

Im a little confused what you mean about breakups being about the person leaving not the person being dumped. Can you elaborate please?

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I don’t think it you should ask those questions. You may not like the answer and it may do more damage to your self esteem which has already taken a hit.

 

We all experience our lives differently based on how we learned to cope as we grew up as children. This inner child forms the basis of our emotions. Sometimes relationship bring out coping mechanisms we learned as children without us knowing it. So a battle rages on inside of us. We project our fears and insecurities onto the partner and convince ourselves that they are the problem, but in reality it is ourselves that we are running away from.

 

I recommend the book Rebuilding when your relationship ends by Bruce Fisher and Robert Alberti. Really helped me with processing my break up the last time. I am reading it again this time.

[ExpatInItaly]

She probably can't even articulate exactly why she lost those feelings either, OP.

 

At 18, she was very young. She might have been mature for her age, but that doesn't change the fact that she was inherently inexperienced. We all really are, at that age. Now that she's older, she is ready to stretch her wings. She probably did once love you but as we grow up, we tend to want different things and don't want to commit to our young loves forever.

 

I was her once, with exactly the same time frame. I started dating my then-boyfriend at 18, broke up with at 23. I wouldn't have been able to identify exactly why I had lost interest either; it's something that cannot always be explained logically. Chances are, she won't have the heart to be brutally honest with you, as I wasn't with my then-ex. I couldn't tell him that I was just not physically attracted anymore, saw him as a friend, found him just too different from the type of partner I was searching for.

 

Knowing the exact reasons isn't going to help you much, at this point. If you believe you were smothering, for example, then take that belief with you and learn to modify your behavior in your next relationship.

[Luke12345]

Thanks guys I really appreciate your responses.

 

I didn't even consider that I might not like the answers and that could affect my self esteem even more, I don't want that, I could really do without that right now.

 

I guess I'll just go back to NC then. I just wish I didn't miss her so much but I understand she's probably wanting to spread her wings.