Mom in hospital; friend is being rude

[escapedmelody]

My mom is in the hospital for complications from brain surgery and things aren't looking well. A friend of mine keeps telling me what I should be doing (visiting her every day and staying for an hour, talking to her, etc.). She's even gone so far as to tell me what my FAMILY should be doing to help my mom.

 

 

 

We're not stupid! We know what to do. I don't need all this.

 

 

 

What do I do about her? I told her that my family is doing fine, like me. But she doesn't get it. In fact, this afternoon, she told me to go visit my mom today! And she kept offering to give me a ride because I was emotional, but I kept telling her no. (She's insistent that I go visit, but I don't feel up to it.)

 

 

Help?

[Beendaredonedat]

I think your friend is just trying to make you feel as if you did everything you could so that you don't feel guilty should something happen to your mom.

 

If you don't want or need her advice then just tell her something along the lines of: "Thanks for your concern, (insert name here) Its good to know that you will be there for me if I need you to be." Then just change the subject.

 

Can I ask why you don't feel up to visiting?

[Watercolors]

My mom is in the hospital for complications from brain surgery and things aren't looking well. A friend of mine keeps telling me what I should be doing (visiting her every day and staying for an hour, talking to her, etc.). She's even gone so far as to tell me what my FAMILY should be doing to help my mom.

 

We're not stupid! We know what to do. I don't need all this.

 

What do I do about her? I told her that my family is doing fine, like me. But she doesn't get it. In fact, this afternoon, she told me to go visit my mom today! And she kept offering to give me a ride because I was emotional, but I kept telling her no. (She's insistent that I go visit, but I don't feel up to it.)

 

Help?

 

Bossy friends need lots of verbal redirection or they will try to get their emotional payoff from you (which is, you do what they tell you to do).

 

Tell her, "thanks, but my family and I are fine and I can make these decisions by myself." Like, you don't even need to be rude with her, just direct. Does that make sense? So, the next time she rattles of a list of things you should be doing for your mother, just let her know, "Thanks for your concern but we have everything handled," then immediately change the subject.

 

Just change the subject after each verbal boundary and either your bossy friend will catch on and stop trying to boss you around, or she won't and she'll increase her bossiness to try to overpower you. Either way, you need to put your foot down with her, verbally, by setting strong interpersonal boundaries or she won't treat you differently.

 

You need to show your bossy friend that she is not in charge of making your decisions for you. So, you have to set firm boundaries with her verbally. Otherwise, she will continue to be bossy with you.

 

Bossy friends are bossy with friends they don't highly value, b/c those friends let them boss them around. Even if her intentions are genuine, she has no right telling you or your family what to do, and when to do it.

[Watercolors]

 

Can I ask why you don't feel up to visiting?

 

What does that have to do with escapemelody's bossy-friend dilemma? If you've never had a parent in the hospital, you don't know how mentally and physically exhausting its effects are.

 

There is nothing wrong with not being by a parent's bedside 24/7. escapemelody, take care of yourself.

[whichwayisup]

May I ask how old you are?

 

It's not your friends business when you go or when you don't go to the hospital. She may be trying to help but it's coming off as bossy and interfering. Has she been like this in the past with other situations about your life?

 

Be honest with her and tell her to back off.

[stillafool]

My dad had a major surgery back in March and I was at the hospital every day. It was an exhausting experience for me and my family. I'm glad I was there for him because sometimes patients don't get the best care unless a family member or someone else is there to make sure they do.

[Beendaredonedat]

What does that have to do with escapemelody's bossy-friend dilemma? If you've never had a parent in the hospital, you don't know how mentally and physically exhausting its effects are.

 

There is nothing wrong with not being by a parent's bedside 24/7. escapemelody, take care of yourself.

 

It has to do with the fact that maybe, just maybe the Op will regret not going to the hospital as much as could have. Or that that she may need guidance with the emotional toll her mom's illness is causing. (???)

 

I've watchws two parents die in hospital so please don't insult me with thinking I post without thought.

 

No, there is nothing wrong with not being by a parents bedside 24/7 but I'm at a loss why you would even mention that since no one has said there is something wrong with it, nor have I chastised her for not wanting to? The band wagon you jumped on for her was a wasted ride, actually.

 

My dad had a major surgery back in March and I was at the hospital every day. It was an exhausting experience for me and my family. I'm glad I was there for him because sometimes patients don't get the best care unless a family member or someone else is there to make sure they do.

 

Yes... It can be very tiring, I agree but as with you, stillafool, I am also glad I was able to advocate for my parents as they transitioned from this life to the next.

 

Anyway: Yes... do take care of yourself, Op.

Edited July 15, 2019 by Beendaredonedat

[The Outlaw]

I do hope your mother pulls through but I lost mine three years ago in mid August. I didn't spend as much time with her as I should have, because I just really couldn't stand the thought of seeing her as like she was at the time and I regret it to this day. It really isn't any of your friend's business but I don't think she means anything by it because every second counts.

[schlumpy]

No argument that you can handle the situation with your mother any way that suits you. Everyone handles bereavement in their own way. I was with my mother when she died but I hated every minute of it.

 

You may want to extend some compassion to your friend. It strikes me that although her outward focus displays concern for your relationship with your ill mother, I think that something has happened in her past that she deeply regrets and she is acting this out by trying to make sure it doesn't happen to you. She is choosing the wrong action to take but her inner turmoil isn't allowing her to see clearly. I do think she means well and is being as good a friend as she can be.

 

It still can be hard to take - well meaning friends and all.

 

Best Wishes

[spiderowl]

It may not help you at all but people cope with crises in different ways. Your friend may be wondering how she can help you. If she is aware of your distress, she could be calling on the things that might make her feel better in order to help you feel better. Of course, she is not in the same situation so her frantic attempts to relieve the stress of worrying about you is to put pressure on you.

 

I am sorry about what has happened and can imagine this is very exhausting for you. You could try telling your friend that people deal with crises in different ways and that her way of dealing with it does not help you. Maybe you could suggest ways in which she could help you - by just listening, for example, or making a cup of tea?

 

If she doesn't take your suggestions seriously and persists in putting pressure on you, tell her she is pressuring you. It might make her think about how she is coming across in this situation.

[Lotsgoingon]

People are often terrible, not just bad, but terrible at communicating and saying anything helpful and constructive when there is a crisis.

 

I got some training at this because I had an early career that involved talking to people in crisis, around bad news ... even talking to people who had family members die by violent crime. I also had a friend who was a government official who would meet with people who had sons and daughters killed in a crime. We learned a lot about talking to people in the midst of crisis. Rule #1: don't offer fake optimism to people. People actually don't need that. What they need (like someone in your position) is to be taken out to dinner, brought some food ... taken to the movies ... a hug ... just a listening ear.

 

Bottom line is ... you want to step up and tell your friend what the deal here.

 

Hey Mary, I know you're trying to be helpful. I appreciate that. But you know, my family is working really hard right now, and I'm working really hard, and it's not helpful for you to tell me what to do right now. I want you to know that I will ask you when I think I need direction or a suggestion. I know you'll offer something wise. But let me ask you. What I really need now is some encouragement and a hug. I'd love to go out and talk with you.

 

Basically, you gotta talk to this friend because you're spending energy putting up with her nonsense at a time when you are stretched beyond the max dealing with your mom's illness. That's a formula for depression. Seriously! You're pretending (which takes serious effort) to go along with a friend who is annoying you at a time when you are utterly empty of such energy.

 

With the most deft support your situation is impossible. But don't waste energy being nice and suppressing your reactions. You don't have to be mean, but you do want to tell people how they can help you. This friend could take you to a nice dinner ... treat you to a massage. Call you up and just shut up and let you talk and say "I love you" at the very end. Or she could just tell you how much she likes your mom (assuming she knew and met your mom).

 

She sounds a bit controlling maybe and she's displacing her anxiety by seeming to offer you direction. She needs to take care of her own anxiety.

 

Seriously talk to her because you will resent her as time goes on. Your friendship with hurt will take a hit if you don't say anything. You will have a strong reflex to keep distance. So give her a chance to adjust by speaking out. You really can't lose. Good luck!