Physical attraction IS important to many and it's OKAY - discussion?

[MINAKO]

Hello everyone, I am new here but have already saw multiple posts and entire threads dedicated to the topics of physical appearance/attraction. They tend to side with the notion that it is wrong to not give someone a chance based on their looks, or that we should not place too much importance in that area when dating or looking for a partner.

 

However, I heavily disagree with this. There is absolutely no way that I would go out with someone that I was not really physically attracted to, and it is not out of harshness or shallowness. Everything about dating all comes down to personal preferences, and most of it cannot be helped. If someone does not want to date someone shorter or taller than them, they have every right not to. If someone is only attracted to people with darker complexions, then it is not wrong of them to not date outside of that preference. Some are only into people 10+ years older - again, an absolutely valid preference. We are attracted to who we attracted to. It is just the way it is.

 

I could never be with someone who was not beautiful to me. I have been seeing someone that my friend believes appears too feminine, but I still find him incredibly beautiful and so it does not matter. No human being on this earth is a walking work of art, at least not objectively. But someone must be physically attractive to me in order for me to even be attracted in the first place.

 

Yes, looks fade. But that is why falling in love and getting to know people is so vitally important. If my lover loses his physical beauty in the future, it will not matter, as everyone does - so will I. I would love him enough, far beyond that. But right at the beginning, if I am not physically attracted at that point, then it cannot work out.

 

I am sick of people being shamed for having blunt preferences when it comes to dating. It does not mean someone has to look like a model to be deserving of being dated. No. It just means that for some, there must be a good degree of physical attraction. Likewise, I would not want someone to date me who does not find me attractive.

 

In the past, I always settled for people who I was not really physically attracted to, because I used to think that was just love and did not matter. But then I ended up going out with people I was very physically attracted to who I thought were very beautiful to me, and fell head over heels like never before, craved and loved like never before. I am well aware that some people are not physically attracted right away, and rather meet at a random point of their lives and fall in love later and perhaps later on become physically attractive to one another (I have experience with that myself). I am not talking about those experiences. I am speaking in general, that physical attraction is important to countless individuals and people should stop attacking others for their preferences. Nobody is wicked or cruel for liking what they like - it is subconscious. I love open dialogue so any discussion or thoughts - all is welcome!

[snowboy91]

I do see your point - it's perfectly natural to expect that we should be attracted to whoever we decide to enter a relationship with.

 

I think the problem is more that people tend to write potential partners off too early based solely on looks - they set really high standards to try and get the (conventionally) hottest person they can, when it's likely that they find a much broader range of people attractive if they allow themselves to actually interact with them. Either that, or they find that their "type" that they are attracted to is different to what they think it is.

 

I know quite a few girls who most guys would rate as highly attractive, but they just don't do it for me, while there are others who other guys would write off (and sometimes I do initially), but after a few interactions they just seem 10x more attractive. I don't know why - but I'm not going to see it as a bad thing!

 

The main point I think is to allow that space for attraction to develop, rather than force yourself to date someone you definitely don't find attractive. Real human interaction goes a long way - which can fall by the wayside in this age of dating websites/apps.

Edited July 10, 2019 by snowboy91

[Foxhall]

Yes without physical attraction it will prove difficult to have a good sex life,

 

If you like the person emotionally that is probably not enough to sustain a romantic relationship without having that physical desire,

While not intending to offend overweight ladies, while I would be happy to be friends with them, personally I would not be interested in anything physical simply because the attraction would not be there,

 

I would want physical attraction and also to click emotionally in order to sustain a long term relationship,

 

At 38 those are still my feelings, I wonder would my outlook change if I was 50 plus say, would physical attraction be less important then, perhaps it might be purely companionship based.

[Curiousroxy86]

as long as the person who have those strict preferences dont complain about being single or not being able to find anyone or hurl criticisms at those outside of their preferences then I think its perfectly fine that they have those preferences

[Saracena]

I have never gone out with someone I'm not physically attracted to. That's not saying I wouldn't give someone a chance but for me if it's not there (at least some form of it) in the beginning, it never is.

 

I believe it's very important (in biological terms) as these are the people we're physically attracted to as the ones nature has designated we should reproduce with. to ensure survival of our species. It's our way of identifying those with the best genes etc....

[basil67]

I'm with Roxy. People can date whoever they feel attracted to, as long as they don't bang on about not being able to find 'the one' when they've ruled out 3/4 of the population as not being good enough.

[Curiousroxy86]

 

The main point I think is to allow that space for attraction to develop, rather than force yourself to date someone you definitely don't find attractive. Real human interaction goes a long way - which can fall by the wayside in this age of dating websites/apps.

 

if a person wants to have strict preferences I say hey knock yourself out. if your options within your preferences are plentiful that you can afford to be picky OR you are perfectly fine being single for a long time till you get your preference well thats fine too. me personally I dont see anything wrong with someone giving people outside of your preference a chance AS LONG AS YOU FIND THEM ATTRACTIVE. I do not subscribe to the idea of trying to give people you do not find attractive at all a shot just so you dont have to be single. most of the time you will just end up hurting the person your trying to tolerate which isnt cool and your miserable trying to get to build chemistry thats not there and not enjoying the relationship. and I cant stand it when people try to give that advice along with criticism for those who are single and selective because most of the time the people who give that advice is honestly thinking about how they got turned down by people they themselves find attractive and was trying to be with which is just hypocritical. yet want to tell the other person to grit their teeth and tolerate someone they dont even find attractive. gtfo of here with that one

[d0nnivain]

I'm a big believer in that Spark. I have learned that for me, if it's not there from the outset it won't develop over time.

 

I tried going on dates with men I didn't find attractive. They were all nice guys but in the absence of attraction I just couldn't kiss them, let alone do anything else.

 

When I was single if a man I wasn't attracted to seemed like he was thinking about asking me out, I'd do something to gently dissuade him. The key is being kind when saying no. Part of kindness is being direct / clear. False hope hurts.

[NuevoYorko]

I'm with Roxy. People can date whoever they feel attracted to, as long as they don't bang on about not being able to find 'the one' when they've ruled out 3/4 of the population as not being good enough.

I agree. I'd like to add that it's also hard to swallow when a person who does not look good is regularly bemoaning the injustice of having only unattractive people interested in them.

[BC1980]

Physical attraction is the basis for a romantic relationship and what makes it different than a friendship. Without physical attraction, you have no relationship.

[LuckyM]

I agree with the OP. So many women will not admit frankly that attractives matters so much. They say beauty on the inside is better, or a good sense of humor or intelligence. Those are nice attributes but not the highest priority.

You do not kiss or make love to their intelligence, humor. I don't know what beauty on the inside actually means.

 

What happens is that the handsome guy who is a great date may not be a good husband or father, at all, while the average or below looking man might become a great father and husband. But no one will ever know if he is not chosen. The same is true for women.

[Atwood]

We all know it’s very important to be physically attracted to your partner. It’s the first thing you notice and the motivator for developing the relationship. Unless you’re asexual, of course.

 

I think what people mean when they encourage people not to rely solely on looks is to not allow them to blind you or to define the relationship. Attractiveness only takes the relationship so far, the rest is solely down to the individuals involved. We also must remember that once you’re in love with someone, looks really do matter a bit less. They still matter and you’re still attracted to your partner, but the attraction is less superficial. My grandparents are still very loved up despite being wrinkled, greying, balding and pudgy. In that sense, you can’t deny that even though attraction is very important, it’s only a part of the equation.

 

I’m very much a big believer in feeling “the spark” as mentioned above.

 

EDIT: CHEMISTRY. Chemistry is very important so much so that people who you previously weren’t attracted to you suddenly find quite appealing. People are quick to encourage people not to base it on looks alone (like on tinder) because you don’t know if you’re going to have good chemistry with that person.

[MINAKO]

Wow, thank you to everyone who has replied so far! I find myself agreeing with pretty much everything - very interesting points. I am also very relieved there is no arguing, and just proper discussion.

 

I have had genuine crushes on all kinds of men (overweight, all kind of ethnicities, feminine ones, quite short, facial piercings and so on) and while I personally do not have some sort of "criteria" - I am attracted to who I am attracted to. Never matters if they are or are not attractive to others, so long as they are beautiful to me. I have loved men with very "nerdy" appearance and also those with "gangster" appearance. It is all over the place. But if they are beautiful to me, I am more than happy to try it out with them because there is that initial attraction.

 

If they do not appeal to me physically, I just cannot do it, I cannot bring myself to kiss them like D0nnivain said, let alone sleep with them like Foxhall mention. I would struggle for that chemistry because physical attraction is the greatest pull for me at the beginning. I would probably regret the entire situation. Whoever I am with, they deserve to be seen as beautiful to me, that is how I see things.

 

Love every reply. Especially those that admit some things that are tough to admit. Thank you for understanding me.

Edited July 10, 2019 by MINAKO

[loversquarrel]

Physical attraction = nice movie poster. Emotional attraction = the movie was excellent and glued you to your seat.

[Els]

Anyone should feel free to date people whom they are attracted to. Physical attraction is one of many different aspects of attraction, and no lesser than the others.

 

 

 

I've never seen much backlash towards people who prioritize physical attraction though, to be honest. In fact, it seems to be largely accepted as the norm. I see much more backlash against people who find certain behaviors or non-physical traits attractive - just look at the "paying for dates" thread.

[MINAKO]

Physical attraction is the basis for a romantic relationship and what makes it different than a friendship. Without physical attraction, you have no relationship.

 

Physical attraction = nice movie poster. Emotional attraction = the movie was excellent and glued you to your seat.

 

Really interesting opinions. I agree with BC1980 here, but understand the other point. Physical attraction is not everything, but is vitally important for many (myself included).

[Curiousroxy86]

I've never seen much backlash towards people who prioritize physical attraction though, to be honest. In fact, it seems to be largely accepted as the norm. I see much more backlash against people who find certain behaviors or non-physical traits attractive - just look at the "paying for dates" thread.

 

That thread was lit

[Curiousroxy86]

while I personally do not have some sort of "criteria" - I am attracted to who I am attracted to.

 

If they do not appeal to me physically, I just cannot do it,

 

Same. I find many men of different skin colors, body builds, hair colors, eye colors, and features attractive. But I do have to be attracted in order for me to want to continue dating. I have to want to kiss the guy for sure.

[Mr. Lucky]

You do not kiss or make love to their intelligence, humor. I don't know what beauty on the inside actually means.

 

Understand your premise but don't completely agree.

 

My first wife was smokin' hot with a body to match, unfortunately she was also as mean as a snake and as faithful as a paid lobbyist.

 

I've been happily remarried for 30+ years to a woman who's "beautiful to me". I'd rather " kiss or make love" to an enthusiastic partner that treats me like a prince. YMMV...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MINAKO]

Same. I find many men of different skin colors, body builds, hair colors, eye colors, and features attractive. But I do have to be attracted in order for me to want to continue dating. I have to want to kiss the guy for sure.

 

Just my feelings, well said!

[basil67]

What about ruling someone out based on a photo alone? I can look at photos of men and get no gut response for the far, far majority. But I can sit in a bus and scan across the same amount of men and suddenly they become more attractive just because they become real people. I could then meet someone and start talking and the attraction level can then go through the roof if the vibe is right.

[Els]

You do not kiss or make love to their intelligence, humor. I don't know what beauty on the inside actually means.

 

 

Not true for me. I literally do get turned on by intelligence and wit. On the other hand, I have never been turned on by looking at a random 6- pack.

 

 

 

Different strokes for different folks.

[basil67]

You do not kiss or make love to their intelligence, humor. I don't know what beauty on the inside actually means.

 

Speak for yourself there LuckyM. My husband is at his sexiest when we laugh together or have been having a great time doing stuff.

 

What will happen when your partner ages and is no longer beautiful?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Of course physical attraction has to be there in a romantic relationship. The only issue I have with it is when I read sweeping generalizations about the goodness, the value, of people based on their looks. As if beautiful people are better than and less-than-beautiful people are just simply not good enough. And it's just not the case and makes me really cringe.

[Curiousroxy86]

What about ruling someone out based on a photo alone? I can look at photos of men and get no gut response for the far, far majority. But I can sit in a bus and scan across the same amount of men and suddenly they become more attractive just because they become real people. I could then meet someone and start talking and the attraction level can then go through the roof if the vibe is right.

 

A guy can look more handsome in person than his photos so If he look decent enough but not super handsome I’ll give him a chance to see how I feel when I actually meet him. But if I don’t find him attractive at all in photo I won’t bother responding.

 

A guy doesn’t always have to be drop dead gorgeous for me to think he is attractive...

Edited July 10, 2019 by Curiousroxy86