Physical attraction IS important to many and it's OKAY - discussion?

[elaine567]

... there sometimes are underlying reasons that can explain a rationale away, and those reasons aren't always attractive (eg too much social conditioning, racism, prejudice, unresolved issues...).

Yes but few can really do much about that, these "reasons" are often deeply ingrained.

I see little point in fighting against it, as I guess it will just surface and cause trouble later on.

Attraction is too personal and too individual to place PC constraints upon.

Yes we SHOULD all be open to dating anyone and every one, but most of us aren't and trying to force the issue is probably not constructive to anyone. Neither to us nor to the partner we forced ourselves to be attracted to...

[littleblackheart]

Well yes, we can't do anything about someone else's choices other than accept or reject them, but we can do something about our own - if we don't,

that would be like saying there is no reason for personal improvement / growth / self-reflection at all.

Edited July 11, 2019 by littleblackheart

[Curiousroxy86]

I hear short women saying they won't date short men all of the time. I personally wouldn't be turned off by a short woman saying "I can't date anyone shorter than you" to me.

 

when I hear someones preferences that I think is silly and I am not dating the person I dont particularly care. for example I think its silly that a short woman wouldnt date a guy her same height. I dont date short guys simply because im tall. and its nothing against the short guy. I would give short guys and taller a chance if I was short. the short guy isnt unattractive. I am the one who would feel unattractive towering over my guy. thats my issue. nothing against the guy at all. but I do think its silly when I hear women who are short but wont date a guy thats atleast same height. but because I am not dating women that dont exactly bother me...its just laughable lol. same for when I hear men who say they dont date someone that has attributes I have. again I dont particuarly care because I am not dating that guy.

 

however when someone I am dating say anything that sounds extremely "ignorant" to me....I care and I will judge lol. its whats those personal preferences say about the person. and I could very well be wrong about my perception and judgement towards that person. but when that guy said he dont find dark skin women attractive and he himelf is dark skin I immediately felt like he had an issue with his own skin. turn off. what he going to do if he has a daughter turn out to be dark like him? to me there was something deep rooted in his thinking that I did see more than preference. which I guess would be in relation to what littleblack eluded to and that turned me off in a big way. now I dont know if it can be helped like she thinks but the fact that its present is just a turn off to me regardless. and again there were other things that came out of his mouth confirmed exactly what I thought of him.....

[Curiousroxy86]

there sometimes are underlying reasons that can explain a rationale away, and those reasons aren't always attractive (eg too much social conditioning, racism, prejudice, unresolved issues...).

 

Just something to bear in mind.

 

Yes but few can really do much about that, these "reasons" are often deeply ingrained.

 

Well yes, we can't do anything about someone else's choices other than accept or reject them,

 

 

yeah and because alot of this stuff is deeply ingrained instead of complaining about another person I prefer to focus on whats within my control which is to accept and reject. as far as being more open....eh some things I try to be. but plenty of other things I CHOOSE to remain close minded about.

 

and honestly when it comes to dating in general complaining about the other is oh so futile when at the end of the day people are going to do what they want to do when its all said and done and not always what they "should" do..especially when many of us dont even agree on whats consider a "should"

[elaine567]

Well yes, we can't do anything about someone else's choices other than accept or reject them, but we can do something about our own - that would like saying there is no reason for for personal improvement / growth / self-reflection at all.

 

Maybe personal improvement/growth/self-reflection needs to concentrate on more important topics.

Why spend hours/months/years trying to get our head around dating someone we in our gut find unattractive, ugly, unappealing or even disgusting, when we could spend the time more productively?

 

I think every one needs to find someone who is highly attracted to them, and 100% on board, not someone who has trained themselves not to be repulsed.

 

"I really love 6 foot beautiful blonde model types with blue eyes and big breasts but I have spent years of self improvement trying to find a women like you attractive..."

"Um... Thanks but no thanks!"

[Mr. Lucky]

In two of the cases, it was more than slightly asymmetrical. In the third case, it was the "final straw" since she had a few other non-physical qualities that decreased her appeal.

 

It's hard for me to understand why anyone would rule out an otherwise attractive and compatible partner over breast asymmetry, it's such a small part of who they are and, unless you're nudists, so easily dealt with.

 

Was that really the only reason in the two cases?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Shining One]

It's hard for me to understand why anyone would rule out an otherwise attractive and compatible partner over breast asymmetry, it's such a small part of who they are and, unless you're nudists, so easily dealt with.

 

Was that really the only reason in the two cases?

Yes, but I can't really speak to their compatibility otherwise. These were discovered fairly early on. The second and fourth dates to be exact. If I had known beforehand, I wouldn't have asked either woman out. They both appeared to have perfect breasts when fully dressed.

 

While I agree it's a small part of who they are, I just found it unappealing. As others have said, it's not logical. Many women find my brown skin unappealing, despite it being a small part of who I am.

[littleblackheart]

Maybe personal improvement/growth/self-reflection needs to concentrate on more important topics

 

 

:confused:

 

Self-reflection / introspection is its own topic. Understanding yourself is actually the key to most things that are within your control.

 

 

"I really love 6 foot beautiful blonde model types with blue eyes and big breasts but I have spent years of self improvement trying to find a women like you attractive..."

"Um... Thanks but no thanks!"

 

Well you're still talking about someone else's choices + someone who has done the work on his prejudices / shallowness / obsession / unresolved past / etc will never say that to you?

Edited July 11, 2019 by littleblackheart

[Curiousroxy86]

:confused:

 

Self-reflection / introspection is its own topic. Understanding yourself is actually the key to most things that are within your control.

 

 

Well you're still talking about someone else's choices + someone who has done the work on his prejudices / shallowness / obsession / unresolved past / etc will never say that to you?

 

Hmmm if your argument is that it’s within their/my/your control and we shouldn’t be that way. Ok I guess. But that particular person has to want to be open or see being open important enough. I am sure there are people who are not open and don’t feel they are a bad person or feel it’s even a problem lol.

 

To be fair many times someone who hasn’t done the work may not say these things out loud either. They will just gravitate towards whoever they gravitate towards and not date who they don’t like.

[littleblackheart]

Yes I mean I'm only speaking for myself; what someone else does or thinks is not up to me. You can only react to what's in front of you.

 

I don't expect someone else to be introspective but I'm not attracted to someone who isn't because in real life, I've made a huge amount of effort to try and make sense of how my mind works. If I see complacency, no self-awareness and cutting oneself too much slack, or no show of vulnerability, I switch off.

 

When a family member or a close friend tells me a 'home truth', I look into it and try and act on it accordingly. I look for that in someone else too, in friendship as well as anything, so someone who doesn't question themselves and their own 'preferences' is a no go area, for me.

[MINAKO]

I actually think it can be helped, like any cognitive behaviour. There are (sometimes deep-rooted, psychological) reasons for those 'preferences', no-one is a 'victim' of their tastes...

 

There is invariably an underlying reason for your 'preferences' ...

 

I am not talking about deep-rooted issues. I just mean simple, shallow physical attraction/preferences, which I do believe cannot be helped. However, even if it is a deep-rooted issue for someone, and they overcome their problem, I would not expect them to want to now bang someone with that quality they struggled so hard to even accept.

 

Like Shining Guy in this thread with a specific preference for symmetrical breasts - it is simply what he has found himself pulled towards. Or like the guy in the other thread who said he is only attracted to women less than 125 lbs. Same with a friend of mine who is really drawn to dark skinned men. Sometimes there is no big underlying reasons and it just is what we personally find beautiful. This is the same to me as loving green and red just because. Again, I am not discussing psychological issues.

[littleblackheart]

Well, I personally don't believe the notion that something like that can't be helped so in my opinion (again, I can only speak for myself) a shallow make or break physical requirement that is presented as something that can't be helped is a sign of bigger issues and a complete no go area, even when I fit the guy's requirement, on the basis that I'm not compatible with someone who has that thought process.

 

I think that's where you and I differ (the 'can't be helped' part) and that's totally fine.

Edited July 11, 2019 by littleblackheart

[MINAKO]

I think that's where you and I differ (the 'can't be helped' part) and that's totally fine.

 

For sure, it is fine. Thanks for sharing your opinion.

[Gretchen12]

I am sick of people being shamed for having blunt preferences when it comes to dating.

 

In the past, I always settled for people who I was not really physically attracted to, because I used to think that was just love and did not matter.

 

Ok, these two things you mentioned are completely foreign to me. I find your past "settling" quite unthinkable. You seem to be sensitive to this issue and you are now disputing your own past behavior.

 

I just have always gone for men I think are hot and have never been shamed. And no one I know personally has ever talked about ignoring looks. So it's all been pretty straightforward and simple in my experience.

[MINAKO]

Ok, these two things you mentioned are completely foreign to me. I find your past "settling" quite unthinkable. You seem to be sensitive to this issue and you are now disputing your own past behavior.

 

I just have always gone for men I think are hot and have never been shamed. And no one I know personally has ever talked about ignoring looks. So it's all been pretty straightforward and simple in my experience.

 

Of course I am disputing my past behaviour, because I ended up experiencing love in a way unlike ever before and since, never wish to go back to those old times.

 

A good amount of people in this thread have already related to what I am talking about, and it is also just as fine to find my experience foreign, like the poster up above. Different people, different shoes. Interpreting people as sensitive about something you are completely foreign to in the first place is pointless.

[JEG88]

To me, physical attraction is a fundamental part of starting, maintaining and cementing a lifelong relationship. Assuming the goal is to be with someone you love romantically.

 

It's pretty hard for the attraction to be "learned" too, unless a major physical transformation is involved. For example, weight loss.