Feelings of shame..discuss

[Hope71]

Hi guys. I’m trying to self evaluate...and not point fingers at MM. I could have walked away a thousand times..and didn’t. What does that say? What exactly was this man fulfilling in my life that a single man couldn’t? I was / have been married over 20 years, and can say my stbx never made me feel that way. ..he was safe. Then again, so was MM...knowing he likely would never leave.

 

I know we all feel a lot of shame for staying with a man...who we know isn’t ours at the end of the day. I know I did...but I’m trying to flip the script and say I DID actually love him. He brought me so much happiness. Just a text, a call....seeing him. Why is that such a shameful thing?? There are married couples who never have affairs and never feel happpiness or joy. So they seek it in someone else. No one does something unless there is a payoff...if MM was mean, or hurtful or abusive...certainly I would have ended it. Of course the fact he was/ is still married hurt me.....so it must be the ego. He didn’t choose us. It hurts like hell...but even if he did, we are still with someone else man, right? Where’s the “win”?

 

Does anyone else see this as an ego thing? Do you feel deep shame and if so, why? I think it’s easier to say our xMM tricked us, lied to us etc....but maybe we just wanted to win?

 

I’m rambling..but I like to discuss...?

[notmyfinestmoment]

I think it is definitely important to know we are accountable too. We had the ability to say no or walk away. So we get part of the blame for our own heartache.

 

I really don't see it as an ego thing for him or I. There are some people like that out there, but I really don't think we are those people. Most MP's who end up in affairs are people that are missing something, but instead of working through it, they end up in the arms of someone else. Mine has said that he loves his wife, but the feelings that should be there are missing. He said that when they got married, he made sure all of the practical boxes were checked and he thought that was enough at the time, but the chemistry that was missing in the beginning is now a huge issue.

 

It doesn't have to be a "win". I think that when you love someone, you want to be with them. The reason it hurts is because you can't be with them in the end (which is how most A's end....which unfortunately a part of knew all along, we just didn't want to think about it because being with them was the most amazing experience).

[SpiceCat]

The win comes when we discover the strength within ourselves to walk away..which you have now done! You have every reason to be proud of yourself Hope.

[Turning point]

I’m trying to self evaluate... What exactly was this man fulfilling in my life...

 

The answer is already inside your question so, let me rephrase it slightly:

 

"What exactly do I want this man to fill in me?"

 

No one is tricking anyone, and there is nothing deficient in single men or your own spouse. The missing part or "emptiness" is wholly within yourself and you have misplaced the ability to fill that void upon another person (any person.)

 

Your affair originates entirely in you. It is not about the other man or even your spouse (which is why you can't see fit to leave or commit to either of them.)

 

On the other hand are people in affairs solely out of selfishness. They are generally quite aware of their self-gratification. They have no problem using people. They may even vainly describe themselves as a self-indulgent person living life to the fullest. They do not describe their affairs as a desperate quest for fulfillment. They just deserve whatever they want (cake eaters.)

 

You describe your affair as a desperate act; a continuing crusade to find fulfillment. It is your own engine that is driving this bus. You choose a married which insures insures this crusade will never end. The goal is unattainable. Single men threaten us with decisiveness (enemy of denial.) In an affair like this the married man is an excuse, a red herring that allows us the comfort of not confronting the responsibility to fulfill our own lives.

Edited July 10, 2019 by Turning point

[Zona]

TP nailed it. It is impossible for a husband to complete with an AP when you think about it. With the AP, there is excitement, secrecy, fantasy and fun. You meet in cool places like hotels, nice restaurants, and while travelling. No bills to pay, no diapers to change, etc., etc. You get to step out of your comfort zone without fear of being judged by your family.

[Naivewomen]

TP, your post was truly amazing!!

I want to cut it and save it too read daily. This is exactly what is missing. A void within myself that no one can fill but me. Everyday, when I have a low of missing the excitement of xMM I repeat to myself that who in the world is really ever excited to see anybody like that. It's not sustainable and it's not reality.

 

TP thank you for your inspirational post. I am very grateful!

[Turning point]

To live life on your own terms you have to be willing to own who you truly are. There's no room in an authentic life for the secrecy and deception that is required of an affair. Duplicity breeds contempt and contempt rots the vessel in which it is carried.

 

Life isn't that complicated. Choose to be the person you want to be, the person you claim to be, and the person a younger you chose to believe you could be.

 

It's not just one moment in time. We are asked to choose every time someone or some situation suggests we should be something or someone other than what we would choose for ourselves. Choose wisely and choose consistently.

 

It's not rocket science, it's simply a choice. You choose, and then you make the same choice again each time you are tempted or challenged.

[Prudence V]

I know we all feel a lot of shame for staying with a man...who we know isn’t ours at the end of the day. I know I did...but I’m trying to flip the script and say I DID actually love him. He brought me so much happiness. Just a text, a call....seeing him. Why is that such a shameful thing?? There are married couples who never have affairs and never feel happpiness or joy. So they seek it in someone else. No one does something unless there is a payoff...if MM was mean, or hurtful or abusive...certainly I would have ended it. Of course the fact he was/ is still married hurt me.....so it must be the ego. He didn’t choose us. It hurts like hell...but even if he did, we are still with someone else man, right? Where’s the “win”?

 

I didn’t feel shame. I went in with my eyes open, making a choice to be with someone who, reciprocally, made a choice to be with me. His then-BW was not material to my choice - I was in a R with him, not with her. And so I didn’t see him as “someone else’s man”, because I don’t believe people own other people. He made a choice that was his to make. When he chose to enter a R with me, he made that choice freely. I didn’t need to ask him for a signed permission slip from his mother or any other responsible adult, because I considered him an adult with his own responsibility for his own actions.

 

And yes, we did fall in love. He left the xBW and we’ve been M more than a decade. I don’t see that as a “win” because it’s a R, not a war or a soccer match. Just like, if we were to part at any point, I wouldn’t see it as a “defeat”. It would just be that the R had run its course.