To maintain contact or not to maintain?

[Single_again87]

At the start of April my fiance of 7 years ended things after an argument saying that the spark had gone. She had kissed someone else on a night out and realised we shouldnt get married and she needed to be alone. I was blindsided and begged for the first couple weeks but she just wanted to be friends. The first couple months i was broken. I realised early on i had become complacent and took her for granted. Everything i did was for her but i could have been more affectionate.

 

Since the split I have worked on my communication skills (gone to therapy), my fitness and my look. I had let myself go somewhat which is why i became less affectionate due to my confidence.

 

After the split we saw and talked a lot but she was so emotional it confused me so i asked for NC which she somewhat respected. After a few weeks she reached out with a phonecall and asking to see me. We were talking more and it was great so i made the mistake of saying i had feelings and wanted more than friendship. She said she loved me and wanted me in her life but only as friends.

 

After that i started to let go and i am in a much better place. I am moving to another town in a couple months and look and feel a lot better. After i sent that message she didnt pull away as expected. She came to see me out the blue upset and we spent the evening cuddling and a couple days later the same thing. We talked about how bad we both felt and she said she wished she had talked to me sooner but stayed firm on this being the best thing. After that she became distant and said she knew she had led me on. I get the odd text and she has popped by a couple times and has asked to take me to lunch this week.

 

I am able to go long periods of time without contacting her, which she has commented on not liking. A recent conversation we have had confirmed she still wants to live on her own once our lease ends (she is staying with her mum now).

 

I would like us to reconcile but I know now may not be the time. Should I make more effort arranging things to do or do I stay LC and let her come to me?

[Flame Aura]

You stay no contact and let her come to you.

 

 

She made the decision to end things. She decided her life is better without you in it. By keeping in contact with you, checking up on you, she is being selfish and only thinking about herself because she wants to feel better about the whole situation.

 

 

I'm assuming you already told her staying as friends is not an option. It's either you both decide to try to make things work or it's nothing.

[schlumpy]

I had the same thing happen to me when I was dumped by my ex-fiancée. She kept bouncing back and forth saying she wanted to make sure she hadn't made a mistake.

 

NC is the only way to do this. Being friends is a measure of how Beta you are. She want's it because she feels close to you but if you agree you most likely will not be able to move on and form a good relationship. She will always be in the back of your mind. You weren't friends you were lovers. It's time for a purge.

[Marc878]

Stop stringing yourself along in this. She's tol you and shown you everything you need to know.

 

NC is up to you not her.

 

You're lapping up her breadcrumbs but there is no fairy tale ending here.

 

Stop being her chump.

[PRW]

At the start of April my fiance of 7 years ended things after an argument saying that the spark had gone.

There is no such thing as a 7 year fiance. If you weren't married after 2-3 years then it was never going to happen. Instead of a fiance this was a FINO (Fiance In Name Only).

[stillafool]

You cannot be her friend period. You will always want more than she will give in the friendship. She is keeping your around for support, loneliness and an ego boost until she meets the next man. She probably dated the guy she kissed and it didn't go anywhere. Do not allow her to use you. Tell her to have a great life and you move on with yours. If you take this attitude she will look at you differently and may want you back. Letting her hang on to you makes you look weak. I am a woman so I know how women think.

[ExpatInItaly]

Don't maintain contact.

 

She is weaning off you too, and learning how to live without you, but she will eventually stop turning to you for attention when she adjusts to the single life.

[Single_again87]

Thank you for your replies, I do not disagree with anything you are saying. I have felt better when staying NC. The people closest to me have noticed a positive change in me, as have I. It is just so hard to detach after such a long time together.

 

We have to remain in limited contact whilst we sort out finances following the split but in the early days i would have called about anything and now i do it all over email which is not very often.

 

She took me to lunch yesterday and it was nice especially as now I am being more myself, I am not trying to actively win her back or watching what I say. After lunch she text and we even talked on the phone for over an hour, with her asking to see me again next week. I am back to not initiating contact today and will continue to do so. I think she genuinely wants to be friends but I have said before that that is not what I want, which she knows all too well.

[schlumpy]

Being friends equals being in limbo.

[Single_again87]

I agree. I have tried to remain friendly at a distance whilst we go through the process of selling our apartment. Hopefully once that sells (close now!) i can take that as an opportunity to properly distance.

 

We are both so miserable at the prospect of selling it and she continues to show no relief or excitement for her future without me (dont think she is being kind because i say i am looking forward to things like holidays). I know that some dumpers dont want the break up but believe it is the right thing but surely there must be some relief? It feels like this is all such a waste when she has admitted she was happy up to the break up. Sorry, just venting.

[Melrose78]

I don't say this time be nasty. But she uses you as her confidence boost. She doesn't see you as marriage material but in the interim will keep you there. When she's feeling flat, she will reach out to you to kick start her feeling of being wanted and needed.

 

Sounds like you deserve a billion times better.

 

I know you say you still have loose ends but it may be best to stick to emails only on anything in regards to finalizing finances etc.

 

For your own mental health and self worth.

[Single_again87]

I don't think it is a nasty thing to say, it is true. I was doing a lot better last week until she popped back in my life. Everytime I think we are making progress she backs off - I suppose I am just struggling with how after 6 years of a good relationship someone can just walk away without even wanting to try, despite admitting she is not happy now.

 

I have said and done everything I can, addressed any concerns I think she may have had about my viability as a partner and it still isnt enough. All that is left is to walk away.

[devilish innocent]

It really seems like part of you is in denial that it is over. I know it's tough when the other person keeps hanging around. That's why it's important to go no contact and not just low contact. You need to keep reminding yourself that this is the end. All you are doing is prolonging your own pain when you continue seeing her. Good luck!

[Single_again87]

You are right. I may have accepted the break up but I still don't agree with it. I think the next time she reaches out I will explain that this hot and cold is not ok and we need to distance properly.

 

Thank you for the luck, I need it, ha!

[devilish innocent]

You are right. I may have accepted the break up but I still don't agree with it. I think the next time she reaches out I will explain that this hot and cold is not ok and we need to distance properly.

 

Thank you for the luck, I need it, ha!

 

Good thinking. Keep in mind that she may not respect your wishes on the matter. That is, she may keep contacting you as she's done before. In that case, it's up to you to enforce your boundaries. Keep deleting her messages, and turning down her phone calls and invitations to meet.

[Twizzlestick]

I was dumped in Dec after ten years. I spent a couple of months in contact. My ex wanted “friends”. Basically ringing her every 5 days or so. Nice chatty calls and all. I didn’t do hands and knees begging but would find myself anxiously exploring how she’s feeling. It was driving me nuts and could see she was getting more enjoyment out of it than I was. That wound me up enough to call a stop to my actions.

 

2 months later I moved away from the area. She rang me the day I left for a usual little “chat”. I decided that was it. No more. I had to stop myself. I didn’t say anything at all about NC to her, make a bold statement or whatever. I just never contacted her again. She had my number. Not a dickybird. That made me more resolved to stay NC.

 

If your ex is prone to ringing you then of course you’ll have to tell, her not to. Just something short and simple on text about and wanting to process and move forward from the breakup, contact is hindering that so you won’t be around for the near future. Etc etc.

 

NC will piss her off, she is getting a kick off the validation. You’re an emotional tool. A taper drug. Don’t give her it. I found I wasn’t able to move an inch emotionally in those two months of contact. But going NC you will move along.

 

6 months into NC I have very low moments and miss her terribly then I’m almost meh. It’s a weird yo-yo. But I look back and realise how much I’ve changed from when I was in contact.

 

Good luck

Edited July 22, 2019 by Twizzlestick

[Single_again87]

Thank you for your reply and well done, that is tough going and I could only dream to have the strength you have shown after 10 years.

 

We saw each other yesterday and it was incredibly emotional as we started to separate our things. She confirmed that she was certain with her decision despite loving and missing me. She would not expand on her reasoning but I am not sure she even really knows because I would expect her to be able to verbalize how she reached this decision when she is so sure. I said I wasnt sure we could or will stay in each others lives moving forward and she broke down at that saying she didnt know what she would have left when i move.

 

I do not plan on contacting her again because I am not getting anything from it. She knows exactly how I feel and still wants us to hang out despite knowing how hard that is for me to do. She even thanked for putting my feelings to one side and making it easy on her! It has given me the push to move on. I will still get low, sure but I am doing so much better and I am proud of how I have handled myself. I have lost a lot of respect for her through this.

[Twizzlestick]

Thank you for your reply and well done, that is tough going and I could only dream to have the strength you have shown after 10 years.

 

Thanks Single. It is really tough. Sometimes I don’t know what I’m doing and feel broken with grief, other times I’m full of self affirmation ha. It’s a weird one.

 

You know, word for word what your ex said is almost identical to my ex. I can’t read minds but I can make an accurate stab in the dark and show you what happens if you were to stick around in contact because I did it for two months (drawn out due flipping logistics)

 

Basically she at first was like your ex. But slowly, she became more resolved. At one point used the phrase “I’ve accepted the decision”. That drove me mental inside because it was her decision.

 

Your ex does know what she wants, don’t buy her vague BS. It’s her feelings. They’re not right. All that will happen in contact is she’ll suck the life out of you to get her little validation. Give her a nice little trot in her step whilst she flies high and mighty onwards. Every now and then she’ll pitta patter back to you for more.

 

No mate, trust me. Cold turkey pull away don’t crack. I broke NC after 2 weeks before starting for real and no good was waiting there. She just had become more sure.

 

If she does ever regret it, it’ll be after life hands her lemons. Take yourself away dude. Good luck with it.

[Single_again87]

Thank you for your reply.

 

Has she reached out to you during your NC? I think until I move away I will continue to hear from her, even after our last conversation she said she would like to see me soon to do something more fun and also wanted to make plans for in a couple months for a gig. I wont be meeting her though. I have made it very clear I still have feelings and want more than friendship. I hate believing she is using me but it is starting to look that way. She even kissed me before she left, which i returned and when i said it wasnt fair, she got annoyed saying she didnt expect me to return it.

 

From the sounds of it her life is miserable right now and she still isnt coming back. I really think this is the end if us for good. I knew she would see it through but I thought in the future we would have a chance. Ugh, I cant wait to be past her.

[elaine567]

She dumped you.

Dumpers can usually be just friends all day and all night as they are not emotionally involved. They like the closeness, the attention but they do not want to get back together. Yes they may get a bit nostalgic and sad every now and again, but they made their decision and will stick to it

Dumpees get torn apart by remaining "just friends" as they always want "more". Every little thing they see as a sign that reconciliation may be on the cards... They just get sad, angry, upset and frustrated.

NC is their true friend

[Twizzlestick]

“has she reached out to you during your NC “

 

 

No, I’ve not heard a dicky bird. For the first few months she kept posting stupid air fairy “memes” on social media to provoke a repsonse. Some basically saying contact your loved ones, then others quite dismissive all that stuff. I didn’t fall for these breadcrumbs. Her 30th came. I didn’t reach out. That made her crimson furious. More memes getting angrier then finally two months later out of the blue blocked me on Facebook, out of sheer temper. That’s all, not heard from her directly.

 

 

“she said she would like to see me soon to do something more fun and also wanted to make plans for in a couple months for a gig.”

 

Oh dear lord. No no no! Thank God you don’t want to do this.

 

”I wont be meeting her though. I have made it very clear I still have feelings and want more than friendship.”

 

Not enough. You have to make it happen. I view it like a dog. A dog will eat the chocolate despite telling it not to. So you have to remove the chocolate yourself. Your ex will ignore you, you have to remove yourself.

 

 

“I hate believing she is using me but it is starting to look that way”.

 

She IS using you. She is not doing this for your benefit. So who’s benefit is it for? Yep. Herself. It’s not malicious, but she is using you. And what’s more key, is you’re allowing yourself to be used at the moment.

“She even kissed me before she left which i returned and when i said it wasnt fair, she got annoyed saying she didnt expect me to return it.”

 

Oh dear lord. Don’t allow yourself to kiss her dude. Own your boundaries. You’re not a dolly she can play with.

 

“From the sounds of it her life is miserable right now and she still isnt coming back.”

 

That’s her ballywack. She won’t come back ever whilst you’re still about. Will she come back in NC? I don’t know my friend, wish I did.

 

A lot of your things at the min are subconsciously farming the responsibility out to your ex. “I’ll tell her xyz” etc etc. It’s classic dumpee. I did the same. It’s because deep down we’re slightly terrified of our exes in a way and daren't move lest we make things worse. The thing is they can’t get any worse. The worse has and is happening. She’s left you. So despite all her BS she is still going her own way. That’s what counts.

 

 

You have to snap out of the looking to your ex to go along with NC. It’s no good telling her you want space, she’ll run roughshod over your boundaries. Hell, she’s even tried to kiss you. You’ve got to get harsh and own it for yourself. Explain via brief text you’ll not be around due moving on, all the best etc. Then if she keeps harassing you send a message asking to be left alone or just ignore. If of course you hear back weeks or months and months later that’s a different story and that’s when you can choose to respond, but don’t allow her to start being in contact with you straight away after going NC.

 

When you tell her this, you’re not asking her permission. You’re doing it. Make it stick. It’s for yourself. Honestly it’ll make her ego crash down but it’ll help you move on and your ex will even eventually respect you for it. Keep in as you are and you’ll be caught in limbo. It hurts but it does change I promise.

 

Some recommended inspiration....

 

There’s a really good thread on here called “NC is so hard” by Nolanola. Some fantastic posts on there. That really supported me. Worth a read.

 

Also check out the blog “magnetofsuccess” . Just put it in google. There’s a break up section with really inspiring articles. You have to scroll through “older posts” at the bottom. I use that blog to pick me up regularly.

 

Also “dating guy” on YouTube. He’s superb.

 

Good luck mate

Edited July 23, 2019 by Twizzlestick

[Single_again87]

Thanks for the replies!

 

Ill definitely check out those threads and I have been listening to Dating Guy recently, very useful.

 

I feel better today, I feel like I got a bit of closure because now I know there is no doubt in her mind, it almost releases me because there is nothing else I can do. She text this morning about a tv show, so I didnt reply. I was not expecting to hear from her so soon, I would have thought after such an emotional time together she would run for the hills but she seems to come back stronger when stuff like happens.

 

You are right, I hate the thought of not hearing from her and knowing I am not her first port of call anymore. It is scary to stay firm because you are pushing away the one person you want closest, even though they left and we know their stance. We still have some things to finalise before we can be out of each others lives for good. Which drags things out.

 

After everything, when I am truly honest with myself, I want nothing more than a second chance, it was a good relationship and I know that when I am ready I will meet someone else but gah, its this girl I want.

 

She said once I move away she doesn't know what she will have left. I wanted to shout at her that this is what you wanted. Maybe once i go that will be the spark for her to realise but doubtful.

[OatsAndHall]

I called it off with a woman after dating for nearly a year. Long story short, she loved me and I realized I didn't have the same feelings for her. At the time, I was working full time, taking a full load of college credits and I just grew comfortable with her and the relationship.

 

 

I broke up with her but told her that I still wanted to "be friends". She was devastated but I was selfish and got to have my cake and eat it too. We chatted, hung out, and things were good. For me, not for her. She was holding out hope that we'd get back together and asked me as such. I told her that I just wanted to "be friends", she was devastated (again) and we both pulled way back. We chatted here and there but never hung out.

 

 

I went through a rough period about six months later where I was stressed out due to family issues and reached out to her for comfort. We ended up hanging out, fooling around and it appeared as if we were back together. Stupid and selfish on my part as I called it off again once I got my head straight. She was obviously broken up about it, AGAIN, and told me not to contact her ever again. So, I deeply hurt this woman three times, simply because I was self-centered and she was kind enough to be there for me.

 

 

 

Don't fall into the same trap my ex-girlfriend did.

[Marc878]

We saw each other yesterday and it was incredibly emotional as we started to separate our things. She confirmed that she was certain with her decision despite loving and missing me. She would not expand on her reasoning but I am not sure she even really knows because I would expect her to be able to verbalize how she reached this decision when she is so sure. I said I wasnt sure we could or will stay in each others lives moving forward and she broke down at that saying she didnt know what she would have left when i move.

[/Quote]

 

Oh cmon she ended your relationship to date others and probably already has.

 

I do not plan on contacting her again because I am not getting anything from it. She knows exactly how I feel and still wants us to hang out despite knowing how hard that is for me to do. She even thanked for putting my feelings to one side and making it easy on her! It has given me the push to move on. I will still get low, sure but I am doing so much better and I am proud of how I have handled myself. I have lost a lot of respect for her through this.

 

NC is up to you not her. The Friendship this is all for her at your expense.

 

Any contact just prevents you from moving on. You are really the one keeping yourself stuck. She can't do it unless you allow it.

 

You should download and read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF and it's short

[Twizzlestick]

She said once I move away she doesn't know what she will have left...

 

Mm. She’s not finishing that sentence, the rest of the narrative is still silent in her head. This is what her mind will likely being thinking. In her boots...

 

“once I move away I doesn't know what I will have left to give me the boost and validation I want to move forward very quickly without the drag of taking ownership for my choices. It’s so much easier when all the toys play nice and I don’t have to feel guilt or doubt”

 

Don’t read hope into it mate.

 

It is scary to stay firm because you are pushing away the one person you want closest

 

You’re not pushing anyone away. It’s an illusion. That infers you have a choice in this. The decision was made for you. When it comes to pushing away don’t ignore the elephant. She dumped you! You’ve already been pushed away. Her wanting to suck validation from you isn’t you CHOOSING to keep her close. It’s you allowing yourself to be used by someone who by actions has no desire to be in a rele at the moment.

 

 

We still have some things to finalise before we can be out of each others lives for good. Which drags things out.

 

 

Mm. I had this issue with returning big items of furniture. Don’t allow yourself to use it as an excuse to draw it out. My ex created stink and wanted to come round my flat with a van. I wasn’t having her barge back into my home, full of affirmation to pack up the remains of our life together. Plus her bossy attitude got up my nose a little. I ordered a “man with a van”. He came round, packed up the stuff. I gave him thirty quid then he dropped it off. Bam. Done in an hour. It wound her up though.

 

After everything, when I am truly honest with myself, I want nothing more than a second chance

 

In your position your ex has lost her feelings, already explored other partners (kissing someone) and dumped you. The thing is to move on and stand any chance of reconcile are the same thing. NC. I can’t say I know much about chances of reconcile. The aim I had was to no longer want the rele. To move on. To not be held prisoner by someone who won’t even pick up the phone.

 

I read the chances are higher you hear from them in NC than actual full on reconcile, but it’s usually for alsorts of weird selfish reasons. Like guilt. Nostalgia, curisouty etc. So I hear. It’s not happened to me

 

I was in your shoes. And all you want to really hear is someone tell you the chances of reconcile of giving you hope, or an example of when it worked. Because when you start NC even if you know all the good stuff about it being “for you” you really are hoping it’ll get them back. And let yourself off the hook. You can’t help that. I was exactly the same. It’s part of the process. You’re in severe raw pain.

 

But once you start getting into NC you’ll reach a point where you spend more of the time aiming to move on from the past, and not be trapped, rather than wanting reconcile. I still swing to desperately wanting her back and hoping NC is having an effect 6 months into it. But other times, I firmly hope I wake up one day and don’t feel that ever again. ive now moved into the mindset of wanting to move on with NC.

 

 

If some all knowing being came down to Earth, this moment and told you the ONLY chance you had, however slight, of reconcile was NC. And the ONLY chance of moving away from this pain was NC.You’d be on it, like a car bonnet. You’d be rushing around making it happen.

 

It’s not healthy to view NC as reconcile tool for very long. You want to get onto aiming to moving on. But it’s unrealistic to expect to wake up tomorrow and feel that conviction. That conviction comes with NC. The irony is, if she ever came back, you might not want her back. But it does no harm for now to start for slightly misguided reasons. If that gets you started into NC. What’s important for you is you start immediately. Trust me. The more time you spend in contact the more damage you’re actually doing to how she views you and also your recovery.

 

Because whatever the slim chances of reconcile are, they sure don’t lie where you are now, wallowing in friendzone. Where you are now. And more importantly and realistically, your chances of moving on don’t lie there either.

Edited July 24, 2019 by Twizzlestick