To maintain contact or not to maintain?

[Single_again87]

Thank you for all the replies.

 

Today has been tough and I know that is all on me. I have no intention of breaking NC and have deleted all ways of contacting her, not that me contacting her is the issue and has not been for some time. It is my inability to ignore her when she does message but I am determined to push forward.

 

I think we all like to believe our situation is unique and our ex would never be manipulative or selfish but she has given me too much evidence to say otherwise. She will continue to use for emotional support for as long as I let her/till she finds someone else.

 

I have no doubt that she wants to date others and probably has at the very least continued to talk to this person she kissed.

 

I have nothing to lose by NC because she already gave up on us, you are right and I do not owe her anything especially now after being so patient and understanding to this point. I probably am starting NC for the wrong reasons but when I have done it in the past it has been really helpful and a real boost. I know it works and ultimately if given a choice, I would much rather move on and meet someone new then go back to her.

 

I suppose I find it difficult moving on from the guilt of what I believe I didnt do and should have done to keep her motivated to stay in the relationship. Hopefully that will pass too.

[Twizzlestick]

With the guilt and starting for the wrong reasons don’t load yourself up. You’re doing really well for yourself going NC. The rest will sort out, reasons etc. Your feelings aren’t a switch. You’ve a lot on your emotional plate so one thing at a time.

 

It’s a lot to expect at the beginning to suddenly stop wanting reconcile and suddenly stop self blaming. The advice is to do that, but it’s unrealistic.

 

That takes time. But the good thing is, whilst in NC you’re not doing any further damage. Whether that be how you look in her eyes or inflicting further pain.

 

Next step is to work on yourself. Work hard to fight the guilt. Challenge those internal thoughts. When you start getting misty eyed and think “poor little xyz, I failed her bla bla yap yap”. Well in that moment think of a few bad points! Think “F that!” You ain’t getting misty eyed about this! Hell the selfish monkey, dumped you and was willing to wring your emotional neck to use as a sort of emotional sanitary towel whilst she moved on! That’s a good starter for ten! She ain’t that nice haha. Would you do the same to her? Your ex is not a bad person, she’s just human, but hell on Earth she is no saint. Your brain has just popped her in a nice little pedestal and given her a golden halo because it’s suffering with separation anxiety.

 

Also, she kissed someone else. That’s another strike. She took the easy route out after snogging and binned you off. That’s another strike. I’m sure there’s many more things you can internalise to challenge intrusive self blaming thoughts. The old adage “it takes two to make AND break a rele”. The two is the thing.

 

When you get going you’ll find the anger starting, anger is good. It helps you develop your sense of self again. That’s your self respect being resuscitated. As long as you don’t act on it and send out messages saying you’re going to cut the heads off all her rose bushes or start lobbing eggs at the Windows . I wrote down some of these angry thoughts and used them as empowerment. The anger dies away in the end and you become more prosaic.

 

Good luck, you’re doing very well.

 

Really do recommend you check out those links and the magnet of success blog. They have all you need to feel very empowered in NC.

[Single_again87]

Thanks for the words of encouragement!

 

I do need to get her off the pedestal because she really does not deserve to be up there. I have made excuses for the cheating and how she has acted thus far and I have to stop. I want to be over her and I want to meet someone new, when I am ready and build a new life using what I have learned so far about myself.

 

It is easy to fall down the rabbit hole and let it eat us up but I am proud of how far I have come. I am moving to a new city, have an interview this week, I am going to the gym and lost loads of weight which I feel so good about. Not that I should care but it was nice to hear my ex tell me how surprised she is at what I have achieved and how well she thinks I am coping. She expected me to chase and crumble for a lot longer than I did - even more reason not to give in!

 

I have started to read the blog today and I am working my way through the articles on NC. Thanks!

 

Hope you are well!

[notbroken]

Rip the band aid off and never talk to her again. She cheated on you and is using you at this point. Worse, it just hurts you every time you talk to her. Don't sign up for more pain. Go silent. Completely.

 

Glad you are improving yourself and moving forward. I think you dodged a bullet.

[Single_again87]

Thank you for your reply. I wish I could see it that way. Some days I can see it so clear and think I must be crazy to be blaming myself and wanting her back! But anytime I think about it, it just keeps coming back to my fault. Which I know it can't be.

 

She came by at the weekend to drop off some paperwork and I was really proud of how strong I was, especially as she was being quite affectionate and told me she loved me a couple times (didnt respond).

 

Spending my spare time concentrating on my move and puppy sitting which is a lot of fun!

[Single_again87]

I find looking back on this really useful. I have been doing lots better and for the first time in a long time, really feeling more like me. So to anyone reading this, it does get better. When I think about messaging her I read over this thread and it reminds me of why I shouldnt!

 

She came to stay at ours for a couple nights this week because she was feeling low, its still her place too so i didnt feel like I could say no. We got on fine and I kept to myself as much as I could and did work, popping out to get away and do odd jobs. In some ways it was like the old days but without the affection and without it, I realised how selfish she is. All conversation we had was about her and if I tried to talk about my future plans she showed little to no interest.

 

She got quite emotional at one point, telling me how guilty she was feeling and that I am the only person she can rely on. I actually told her that that was quite sad and maybe she needed to consider why she feels the need to run to me when she has a problem. It felt good to stick up for myself.

 

She told me she felt the romantic love had gone between us and left as she was not sure if it would ever come back. She is clearly not mature enough to realise romance comes and goes but if you put the work in you can get a spark back. Or maybe it is me that is foolish for thinking that!