matt7291 Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 (edited) Been married 20 years last October thought all was good until this past Feb. then things have sort of gone down hill. We were not communicating, we were fighting, she was spending every chance she could get out of the house and away from me. I finally reached my breaking point and was going to confront her on her time away and the money that was bing spent, etc. so I did some digging and found a note from a waiter on a receipt that was different from the norm. I then checked phone and message records. This was mid March They had been texting each other for a couple of weeks. I lose it. and confront her, we get into heated discussion about how she feels unappreciated, and that all we do is bicker and that I always seem mad and I'm not the same person that I used to be. I agreed we reconciled, made changes, I started some therapy that helped me understand me, I open up. Things were going great we started doing things together I was /am 100% in love again. Doing the things she says she needed. Being attentive, flirty, sending notes, messages everything I can think of. Then June 30th. She goes out with girlfriends doesn't let me know where she comes almost fall down drunk. I am pissed. I get on her phone and find a message from Joe, and they are flirty type messages talking about getting together and feelings, not knowing what to do. She is passed out and I am fuming I just go over every thing I can looking for whatever I can to get more and more angry. Finally I can't stand it anymore, I wake her up and confront her. for 20 min I get no answers just a lot of what are you talking about. Finally she admits Joe is a guy she met in FEB. at a girls weekend ice fishing trip, she got drunk they made out some then passed out together. They then kept in touch for a week or so then he "ghosted" her. So then two weeks he reaches out again and they talk get caught and that is where we are now. My wife says she is broken and doesn't know what is wrong with her, says nothing ever happened but making out and texting even though they might have hooked up if the opportunity was ever there but thinks it never would have. I don't even know where to go. I love her more than anything we are working on things but I can't stop thinking about it. I want us to see a counselor but she says she doesn't want to and that should be a last straw ditch effort. I don't know what to do? Edited July 10, 2019 by matt7291 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 You've been doing the "pick me dance" while your wife is playing the field. All that does is lower your status. She is probably lying and only owning up to what you can prove. You are letting your emotions rule you at this time so in essence you are playing yourself. Better wake up to the reality of where you are. Talking in these situations get you nothing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 See a lawyer and an IC. Expose the affair. Chances are it was more than you know. You must be willing to divorce to have a shot at saving things, if that is what you want to do, and if that is not what you want to do, better to get the ball rolling sooner than later. Strongly recommend reading "Survive her affair" by kevin jackson, it helped me. Link to post Share on other sites
Flame Aura Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 I don't know what to do? You know exactly what you need to do. Start those divorce proceedings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 You are going to need to start the 180. https://www.chumplady.com/2014/07/the-pretzel-logic-of-the-180/ It will help you detach so that you can make decisions that are in your best interest because your wife will not be doing that. Good Luck and best wishes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 I want us to see a counselor but she says she doesn't want to and that should be a last straw ditch effort. This statement seems to sum up her entitled mindset. It's not her "last ditch" time because she's not through shopping for your replacement and she wants you held as Plan B if things don't work out with "Joe". Don't listen to her words, pay attention to her actions. Her continued dalliances outside your marriage clearly indicate she's done with the relationship. You should be too... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SirEgg Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 I'm going to break up of the flow of the other posters somewhat; going back to the op. You say love her, all the wording within the op seems to point that way. Forgive her. Maybe she needs therapy, give her the space to do it...and still; whether she does it or not, forgive her. Maybe you two needs marital counseling, go for it...and still; if she won't bight, forgive her. I think an even better option is to do a marriage intensive. Those are designed for situations such as yours. Go for it. If it doesn't pan out, you'll be able to hold your head up knowing that you fought for your girl. It won't be easy. It may be easier to end the relationship, but make sure you fight first. Fighting is hard and it's hard in ways we don't expect. Prayers bro. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 12, 2019 Share Posted July 12, 2019 Maybe she needs therapy, give her the space to do it...and still; whether she does it or not, forgive her. Maybe you two needs marital counseling, go for it...and still; if she won't bight, forgive her. Should he chloroform and drag her there? The OP said: I want us to see a counselor but she says she doesn't want to Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted July 12, 2019 Share Posted July 12, 2019 OP, there are two things I will NEVER do in my lifetime - 1. Beg for someone's business. A good company wants to do business with a paying customer. 2. Beg a woman (gf or spouse) to stay with me. A good woman always stays if she loves and cares about you. She also doesn't want to hurt you or see you in pain by screwing someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author matt7291 Posted July 16, 2019 Author Share Posted July 16, 2019 I'm going to break up of the flow of the other posters somewhat; going back to the op. You say love her, all the wording within the op seems to point that way. Forgive her. Maybe she needs therapy, give her the space to do it...and still; whether she does it or not, forgive her. Maybe you two needs marital counseling, go for it...and still; if she won't bight, forgive her. I think an even better option is to do a marriage intensive. Those are designed for situations such as yours. Go for it. If it doesn't pan out, you'll be able to hold your head up knowing that you fought for your girl. It won't be easy. It may be easier to end the relationship, but make sure you fight first. Fighting is hard and it's hard in ways we don't expect. Prayers bro. We have been talking a lot more and opening up. I am trying to forgive her it has been difficult. I also believe her that nothing more has happened after having some discussions with third parties that were around when these discretions happened. There has been no sex just one drunk make out session, followed by messaging, and flirting. And then flirting when drinking. Along with discussion of possibly trying to set up a hook up but she kept backing out of plans. It hurt but I saw most of the messages.... She is doing things to prove that she is sorry, to change and to give me total access to everything. Says it was a mistake. I also know I am somewhat to blame or not to blame but bare some of the fault. I have not been a perfect husband, I have not given her everything she needs over recent years. 20 years is a long time and we both lost site of each other. I became reclusive and content just to be, she needed attention, a jolt or something. We are on the path now to getting some extra outside help/ counseling, even though this is still a sore spot with her, the main reason for her is the $$$ it costs. We have a couple of "free" initial meetings set up. It is going to take time but I know in my heart we will get through this and our relationship will be stronger and I will be a better husband and father because of it. I appreciate all the feedback on this- it has helped my healing process. Link to post Share on other sites
Author matt7291 Posted July 16, 2019 Author Share Posted July 16, 2019 2. Beg a woman (gf or spouse) to stay with me. A good woman always stays if she loves and cares about you. She also doesn't want to hurt you or see you in pain by screwing someone else. I am sorry you have never loved someone enough where you would do anything for them & fight for them. It is not that easy to just throw away 20 years, also have 3 kids that this would affect. And yes she wasn't thinking about this when she hurt me, but mistakes and bad decisions happen and maybe I am making one by fighting for my marriage but I am a fighter not a quitter. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 16, 2019 Share Posted July 16, 2019 It is going to take time but I know in my heart we will get through this and our relationship will be stronger and I will be a better husband and father because of it. I appreciate all the feedback on this- it has helped my healing process. The term for what you are doing is "Rug Sweeping." Your wife has blindsided you with a part of her personality you didn't realize existed. She may have lost her nerve with this outburst but your passive approach will guarantee that she will make another run at it only next time she won't get caught. Think about that over the next couple years while you are stumbling over all the dirt you just swept under the rug. Best Wishes Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted July 16, 2019 Share Posted July 16, 2019 Don't rugsweep this. Your wife has a lot of work to do. You are NOT responsible for her choice to cheat. If you haven't already, STD tests for both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
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