HowToQuit Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 Long story short... my MM got caught and called everything off. In the morning, we were expressing the love and desires for each other...4 hours later, we were done. I am still in shock over this abrupt, unexpected end. Trying to process if are done done or chances are he will come back once or if the dust settles. Hit me with the hard truth please. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 Do you want him to come back? Or, are you prepared to use this as your reason to end it and move on with your life? Link to post Share on other sites
Author HowToQuit Posted July 11, 2019 Author Share Posted July 11, 2019 I am torn. My ego wants to continue being wanted by him... my rational mind says it is a blessing in disguise. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 I hear you. How long have you been involved in this affair? Link to post Share on other sites
Author HowToQuit Posted July 11, 2019 Author Share Posted July 11, 2019 I hear you. How long have you been involved in this affair? 2 years. We discussed being together when the kids are in college, etc. I always took it with the grain of salt given the odds, but it felt good in the moment... Link to post Share on other sites
Hope71 Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 Long story short... my MM got caught and called everything off. In the morning, we were expressing the love and desires for each other...4 hours later, we were done. I am still in shock over this abrupt, unexpected end. Trying to process if are done done or chances are he will come back once or if the dust settles. Hit me with the hard truth please. There isn’t enough info. How long was the A? If he was “caught” and denied you and the affair, then I don’t give it much of a chance. If he loved or cared about you.........who knows? My MM came clean to his W before it was discovered. I didn’t want a bombshell. Yours sounds like a bombshell. How did she find out? Do you know? I think we need more info.. but we are here for you. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 Well, reading the stories on this site I would say two things. The odds are good that he will come back around when the dust settles. Prepare yourself. That said, the odds are very poor that he will ever leave his wife for his affair partner. Many promise, few actually leave their wives... for a variety of different reasons. Assuming that is true, what is your end game? Are you prepared to stay hidden, continuing this dead end relationship? And what if his wife. She knows now, no doubt she is suffering a pain today that is hard to put into words. If he did come back around again, how do you internalize continuing in a relationship that would bring pain to another woman? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlet86 Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 (edited) In my case we worked together 5 days a week so we eventually came back to each other...we had 6 D-days over the course of 6 months and he came back every time. We are currently 5 weeks into NC and not seeing each other due to his job transfer so I think we are done for good this time. Edited July 11, 2019 by Scarlet86 Added more info Link to post Share on other sites
Author HowToQuit Posted July 11, 2019 Author Share Posted July 11, 2019 It was a complete bombshell. He sent a very explicit text about our morning sex to his wife instead of me by mistake... he did deny it was him and said his phone was hacked but that’s all I know. He called me later to explain what happened and that it is over as he needs to shift his focus on rebuilding his home life... Link to post Share on other sites
Daisyb052 Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 I was in an extramarital affair (we are both married). We were in the affair for 6 years. It was both emotional and physical. There were promises of being together as soon as he felt it was the “right” time to leave (there are kids involved on both sides...our children are friends). I was called “his person” and he would often refer to me as Mrs. G...the first initial of his last name. His son found out and told his wife. This was 7 months ago. At first he was all in. Then the dust settled and he realized too much was at stake and decided to try at home (still telling me it won’t work, he loves me...he just needed to heal them and try and help them with the pain he has caused them). During that time, we spoke everyday, still saw each other and were still intimate. That went on for 6 months. We saw each other less than a month ago, yet, he is still “trying” at home. Then suddenly it was we can’t do this if I’m going to be trying at home...huh? He never told her the full truth about us. Just that we saw each other occasionally and were intimate only 3 times. In reality we saw each other daily for hours...the intimacy was almost daily as well. And we spoke via e-mail from 6 am to 11 pm at night. all day long. Anyway, long story short (And I don’t mean to sound harsh I am simply heartbroken as well)...they don’t come back. They play games to keep the door open. While I am sad and miss him very much, I also realize I do not want a man like that in my life or as a life partner. It’s hard. Some days are easier than others, but, it is still hard. I can say that after 6 years and 6 months of the push/pull, everyday gets a little bit easier. I’m not sure if this helped at all. I hope it did...it’s hard, but, know that you are strong, deserve more and will be okay in the end... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 It was a complete bombshell. He sent a very explicit text about our morning sex to his wife instead of me by mistake... he did deny it was him and said his phone was hacked but that’s all I know. He called me later to explain what happened and that it is over as he needs to shift his focus on rebuilding his home life... Oh, I’d say you are done... He’s got some serious bridges to rebuild there... Nobody in their right mind would accept that excuse. It’s worse than “the dog ate my homework...” Yikes! That’s a bombshell. He will be lucky if he didn’t find his bags packed when he arrived home... I can’t imagine. Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 Probably, if you allow it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HowToQuit Posted July 11, 2019 Author Share Posted July 11, 2019 (edited) Oh, I’d say you are done... He’s got some serious bridges to rebuild there... Nobody in their right mind would accept that excuse. It’s worse than “the dog ate my homework...” Yikes! That’s a bombshell. He will be lucky if he didn’t find his bags packed when he arrived home... I can’t imagine. While the physical pain of the A being over is real... and I miss waking up to his texts and falling asleep to his texts, I feel that A made me an addict to all these highs. I need to withdraw, recover and recalibrate. And yet, I still long for him and for that notification on my cell and hope he is back one day. Edited July 11, 2019 by HowToQuit Added a paragraph Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 I need to withdraw, recover and recalibrate. I certainly wish you well. A blessing in disguise indeed. For you, not so much for his wife. This is the first day in the rest of her life... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
I Should Know Better Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 Long story short... my MM got caught and called everything off. In the morning, we were expressing the love and desires for each other...4 hours later, we were done. I am still in shock over this abrupt, unexpected end. Trying to process if are done done or chances are he will come back once or if the dust settles. Hit me with the hard truth please. For sure. He’s definitely coming back. Have a clear plan of what you’re going to do and say when he does. Now that she knows, be prepared to hear from him less. And depending on her personality, be prepared for drama if you decide to continue to the A. I know it’s hard to heal and move on when things end abruptly. I wish I had more advice to give. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HowToQuit Posted July 11, 2019 Author Share Posted July 11, 2019 For sure. He’s definitely coming back. What makes you think he is coming back? Link to post Share on other sites
Hope71 Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 He might pop up on occasion to say he’s trying to figure things out, or put out the fire at home...that equates to..don’t expect much more from me in the near future...if at all because I’m trying to rectify my marriage and kiss my wife’s A**” 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamwalker17 Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 They all come back. Where else would they go, back to the marriage they tried so hard to escape with you? The bigger question why would you let them back? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 (edited) What makes you think he is coming back? It’s hard to turn down a willing partner... and, you are not the only one addicted to the “high.” Just remember, he’s given you every indication that his wife and his family are his priority. Have no illusions, if he comes back it won’t be because he’s going to leave his family. It may be because she has told him to leave. Edited July 11, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 He called me later to explain ... he needs to shift his focus on rebuilding his home life... "HIS" home life? His home life was the one with a clueless wife and a chic on the side. Oh yeah, he's definitely coming back once "his" home life is restored. Be aware however, that you may not be the affair partner he returns to. Some cheaters prefer to be honest when they tell their wife it's over with you, ..conveniently leaving out the illicit affair they've started with someone new. My ex monkey-branched from one affair to the next half a dozen times. Tarzan had nothin' on that girl. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 Long story short... my MM got caught and called everything off. In the morning, we were expressing the love and desires for each other...4 hours later, we were done. I am still in shock over this abrupt, unexpected end. Its called throwing the OW under a bus on Dday. Very common. Love maybe, but not the kind of love he leaves his wife (and kids) for. He is now no doubt frantically scrabbling to get his marriage back on track and to prevent his wife from leaving and taking the kids with her if he has kids, or throwing him out of the marital home. After the dust settles, and she has calmed down and he can see a way past the NC rule she has no doubt imposed, he will probably be back. Though some do get such a shock as to how much they could lose, that they resolve never to cheat again. Most MM find it difficult to find a woman prepared to turn a blind eye to the fact he is married, so if they want to continue cheating they do tend to go back to the same OW. Of course as TP pointed out he may have other options and Dday is the perfect opportunity to dump the OW his wife knows about and then be able to pursue another... For you, if he picks you up again, it will not be a good experience as now he has to be more careful and as it is now obvious he is not leaving for you, you will have to learn to accept less, and if it goes as it usually does, less and less and even less... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 My xMM had 4 separate D days with me. Each time he wiggled his way out of it. We were both relentless and very addicted. It all depends how addicted he is however all the posters are correct in order to keep him safe you will have to lower your expectations. Is he worth it?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author HowToQuit Posted July 11, 2019 Author Share Posted July 11, 2019 My xMM had 4 separate D days with me. Each time he wiggled his way out of it. We were both relentless and very addicted. It all depends how addicted he is however all the posters are correct in order to keep him safe you will have to lower your expectations. Is he worth it?? My expectations have already been lowered and can’t go any lower. He might be worth it, but only once single. Which we all know, ain’t happening. My main focus is on restoring my Normalcy through no contact but I am bouncing between dispair and pain. Can’t wait for that day when I think of him without tears in my eyes. Tell me, that day will come sooner vs later... Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 It will be up and down back and forth until you take the steps to make it so, and even then it will take time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HowToQuit Posted July 11, 2019 Author Share Posted July 11, 2019 It will be up and down back and forth until you take the steps to make it so, and even then it will take time. Thank you ! By up and down... do you mean my emotions or the MM coming in and out of my life until I put an end to it? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts