Coup La-La Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 Recently I've been diagnosed with life threatening illness, so I wanted to thank all the people I know who've showed me kindness over the years, and say what could possibly be my last goodbye to them. When I text a friend of mine "I need to talk to you about something very serious" she didn't get back to me for 2 days, and then wrote me back a looong text, basically saying * I'm still uncomfortable because 4 YEARS AGO you asked me to help you with an art project. * I'm offended because after you got engaged you invited me to your wedding, even though we hadn't hung out in a while. * My husband doesn't think I should go to your wedding. * I don't want to be your friend anymore. I sent her a text explaining what was going on, and she ignored it. And I know she saw it, because I got a text read message from my iPhone. I'm so angry! Even some people I only know from social media have contacted me everyday to check up on me, but she who knows me well, can't even say "sorry to hear that, I hope you don't die". What ever happened to human decency? I'm torn between calling her to tell off her and her [female dog] of a husband, and getting my anger out artistically, like describing how I feel and putting it in my next book. Full disclosure: She and I have only ever been platonic, we've both been in relationships with other people since we met each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 Let her go she isn't your friend. Stop wasting your time 3 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 I'm so sorry that you are dealing with a serious illness. As for your friend, there are usually two sides to every conflict. You say that she wrote you a very long text yet you reduced it to a few points that offended you and chose to share just those with us to make her sound like a heartless jerk. Reading between the lines I would say that it sounds like your friend has felt discarded by you somewhere along the way. She has felt used and unappreciated and didn't understand why you would invite her to your wedding after blowing her off for some time before hand. She tried to explain her feelings in the long text she sent you and you responded by telling her you have a serious illness. She probably didn't know what to make of that. She likely feels bad that you are sick but on the other hand it doesn't change how crappy this friendship has made her feel in the past. Now I'm not saying your friend's feelings are right but I'm not saying they are wrong either. Just pointing out that her perspective is different than yours. Your feelings are valid but hers might also be valid. People have different expectations from their friendships and this girl sounds like she likes to have regular contact with her friends. She likes to see her friends and wants to feel like the efforts she puts in are reciprocated. You perhaps saw the friendship as a more casual carefree situation where it's okay to pop in and out of the relationship. Neither of you are wrong, you just had different expectations. Now you are dealing with health issues and you need to focus on that so probably best to let this friend go. Unless you can hear her out and try to see things from her perspective, otherwise you and she will just argue and you don't need the stress right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 You don't need people like this in your life, especially not when dealing with a serious illness. Admittedly this is the first time I've ever heard of anyone being offended that they were INVITED to a wedding... normally it's the opposite!! Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 She isn't worth being hurt over. She doesn't care. Just let it go and don't even react. Don't fuel whatever is wrong with her. She wants to be left alone. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 She's dreadful. Just ignore her. I am so very sorry for what you are going through. I hope they find a cure or that you have the easiest possible time with what you are facing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Coup La-La Posted July 11, 2019 Author Share Posted July 11, 2019 I'm so sorry that you are dealing with a serious illness. As for your friend, there are usually two sides to every conflict. You say that she wrote you a very long text yet you reduced it to a few points that offended you and chose to share just those with us to make her sound like a heartless jerk. To use her exact words "your asking me to do an art project with you is 'intrusive' in my life" Reading between the lines I would say that it sounds like your friend has felt discarded by you somewhere along the way. She has felt used and unappreciated and didn't understand why you would invite her to your wedding after blowing her off for some time before hand. She tried to explain her feelings in the long text she sent you and you responded by telling her you have a serious illness. She probably didn't know what to make of that. She likely feels bad that you are sick but on the other hand it doesn't change how crappy this friendship has made her feel in the past. We hadn't seen each other in a while because she had a baby 17 months ago, and I have been traveling a lot. Whenever I have a bday get together, or a NYE party ect, I always invited her. All my friends know that if something bad happens I will always be there for them, no matter how long it's been since we've seen each other. . Neither of you are wrong, you just had different expectations. I think just about everyone would expect some kind of acknowledgment after news like that. I understand that sometimes having children changes people, but I would hope regardless of how your life is, you would still say "I hope you don't die" Now you are dealing with health issues and you need to focus on that so probably best to let this friend go. Unless you can hear her out and try to see things from her perspective, otherwise you and she will just argue and you don't need the stress right now. If she would be willing to sit down and talk like adults, I would be more than willing to listen to anything she has to say, but she's firm in her stance, she even blocked me on social media. and honestly I get more angry about it everyday. Nobody should be forced to go to their grave having beef, or being told that they're not important. I hated my Uncle with a passion, but when he was on his death bed I still respected his wishes to see me and make amends before he dies. Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted July 12, 2019 Share Posted July 12, 2019 It's best to just let it go. And while there are two sides to every story, your situation is serious and she should at least put whatever differences she has with you to the side and try to make amends with you. The past is the past and it doesn't do anyone any good to hold onto grudges, misunderstandings or anything. If she comes around, fantastic. If not, you made an effort. But don't come down to her level. It's her problem, not yours. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 12, 2019 Share Posted July 12, 2019 She has been very clear that she considers you an intrusion in her life. You just mentioned she had a baby 17 months ago. This is very often the end of prior friendships, and she's being particularly surly about it, so give up. She sounds unhappy with her life, frankly, and is probably lashing out at you when her biggest problems are right under her own roof. But she's been unforgiveably rude and you are acting super needy even considering you'd like to sit down with her for an explanation when she's told you you're an intrusion and she doesn't want anything to do with you anymore. Just accept it and give your attention to the friends and family who deserve it! Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 12, 2019 Share Posted July 12, 2019 Her reaction doesn't make sense. This makes me suspect there's an angle to this that we (or even you) don't know about. There's more to the story somewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 Ignore her. She isn't a friend anymore! Focus on the friends and family who love and support you. DO NOT give her one more second thought! She's not worth it. I'm sorry for all that you're going through health wise. Lean on those who have your back. Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 Recently I've been diagnosed with life threatening illness, so I wanted to thank all the people I know who've showed me kindness over the years, and say what could possibly be my last goodbye to them. When I text a friend of mine "I need to talk to you about something very serious" she didn't get back to me for 2 days, and then wrote me back a looong text, basically saying * I'm still uncomfortable because 4 YEARS AGO you asked me to help you with an art project. * I'm offended because after you got engaged you invited me to your wedding, even though we hadn't hung out in a while. * My husband doesn't think I should go to your wedding. * I don't want to be your friend anymore. I sent her a text explaining what was going on, and she ignored it. And I know she saw it, because I got a text read message from my iPhone. I'm so angry! Even some people I only know from social media have contacted me everyday to check up on me, but she who knows me well, can't even say "sorry to hear that, I hope you don't die". What ever happened to human decency? I'm torn between calling her to tell off her and her [female dog] of a husband, and getting my anger out artistically, like describing how I feel and putting it in my next book. Full disclosure: She and I have only ever been platonic, we've both been in relationships with other people since we met each other. From her text, I decoded it to mean the following: *I wanted our relationship to be more than platonic. *I wanted our relationship to be more than platonic. *I wanted our relationship to be more than platonic. *I wanted our relationship to be more than platonic. She obviously still has romantic feelings for you despite the fact that she's married, despite the fact that you don't or never did reciprocate her advances (if she ever tried or wanted to). I'd let this one go, frankly. She sounds like she isn't a great communicator b/c she gave you 4 excuses that literally cover up the truth which is: that she has or did have romantic feelings for you that she either never attempted to act on, or did but you rejected her which still bothers her. * I'm still uncomfortable because 4 YEARS AGO you asked me to help you with an art project. * I'm offended because after you got engaged you invited me to your wedding, even though we hadn't hung out in a while. * My husband doesn't think I should go to your wedding. * I don't want to be your friend anymore. Why would an art project collaboration 4 years ago offend her? A: b/c she has feelings for you. Why would being invited to your wedding offend her? A: b/c she has feelings for you. Why would she tell you that her husband doesn't approve of you? A: b/c she has feelings for you and wants to make you jealous. Why would she tell you she doesn't want to be friends via text? A: b/c she wants you to fight for her attention bc she has feelings for you. I'll leave you with this hilarious clip from comedian Chris D'elia about women and drama. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Coup La-La Posted July 15, 2019 Author Share Posted July 15, 2019 *I wanted our relationship to be more than platonic. She obviously still has romantic feelings for you despite the fact that she's married, despite the fact that you don't or never did reciprocate her advances (if she ever tried or wanted to). I'd let this one go, frankly. She sounds like she isn't a great communicator b/c she gave you 4 excuses that literally cover up the truth which is: that she has or did have romantic feelings for you that she either never attempted to act on, or did but you rejected her which still bothers her. Why would an art project collaboration 4 years ago offend her? A: b/c she has feelings for you. Why would being invited to your wedding offend her? A: b/c she has feelings for you. Why would she tell you that her husband doesn't approve of you? A: b/c she has feelings for you and wants to make you jealous. Why would she tell you she doesn't want to be friends via text? A: b/c she wants you to fight for her attention bc she has feelings for you. . Wow, I didn't factor that in. The first few times we hung out some people said "she's flirting with you" or "I thought you guys were together" I just brushed it off because she's married, but now that you say it like that, that is a big piece of the puzzle I didn't consider. Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 Wow, I didn't factor that in. The first few times we hung out some people said "she's flirting with you" or "I thought you guys were together" I just brushed it off because she's married, but now that you say it like that, that is a big piece of the puzzle I didn't consider. Well, there you go. Other people even confirmed her attraction to you. Never brush anything off b/c someone is in a relationship with someone else. That never stops them from flirting with other people, if they are unhappy with the person they're with. I bet she's angry that nothing romantic ever happened with you, and so she's trying to create drama with you now that you are dealing with a serious illness, while you're also engaged to someone else, so that you will suddenly admit you have feelings for her (which obviously you never did or will have for her). If she's always been a fringe acquaintance, don't waste another minute on her. Her behavior is really immature. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 TBH, just let it go because your relationship seemed borderline inappropriate considering her husband doesn't like you and she's angry like an ex or something. Just let it go. Hope you get better soon. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 17, 2019 Share Posted July 17, 2019 (edited) I would take a less romantic interpretation of your friends behavior. A group of friends will all get to a point in their lives where they travel different roads. You can tell because you will see them less and less. Maintaining the friendships takes more energy and many times are one sided relationships. Meanwhile other people are moving close to you and closer to them drawing them further away. For you a significant event is happening and your thoughts reach out to those you knew but you really don't know them any longer. That friendship bridge, though not burned, has not been maintained. I don't know if you have the time left to revive your friendship with her. You thought your illness would do the trick but she's too far away now to drawn quickly back. Instead of anger, I would suggest you send a hand written note (without emojis please) stating that you understand that you've neglected the relationship (whether you have or not makes no difference) but your illness has made you realize how much you value her friendship. Let her know that her invitation still stands regardless of whether she accepts. Say something good about her husband too. Some token of friendship displaying how much you care about her friendship should be considered. You will have to judge if this approach will work. I don't her well enough. I'm just offering a possible way to get the outcome you are looking for. Best Wishes Edited July 17, 2019 by schlumpy Link to post Share on other sites
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