I made a mistake and want my ex-gf back

[django]

A little over a month ago, I broke up wtih my gf of two years. I was feeling a lot of pressure about making a committment, along with the stress of trying to change jobs and an alcoholic mother and brother, and I just felt like I was suffocating. I don't blame her for putting some pressure on me: we'd been together for two years, she was basically part of my family, and she was surely frustrated by my feet-dragging.

 

I began to regret the break up almost immediately. I'd text and ask to do things, but she refused, saying it wasn't appropriate. I saw her last Thursday night, and we hugged and cried a bit. She said she can't see me for a very long time because she is madly in love with me and it hurts too much. I told her I understood, but hoped she'd find a way to be in my life somehow.

 

I thought a lot about my decision over the next few days, and I called her on Monday to tell her how much I loved her, what a mistake I made, that I"m sorry that I didn't commit to her, but was planning on moving in with her and getting engaged. She thanked me for telling me that. She said it sounded like I only want her when I can't have her anymore. I put some pressure on her to see me that day and she refused. She said that she didn't want to hear from me, that it was too late. She said she might be open to trying again later. I have not heard from her since then.

 

I don't know why she won't even see me or talk to me. I'm devastated. I really, really love her and I don't know what to do. I'm trying to move on but all i think of is her and how many things I did/didn't do made her feel terribly small and unimportant. I really messed up. Should I bother sending a letter or anything? I destroyed a wonderful relationship because I suck at communicating.

[littleblackheart]

Sounds like she's made her mind up, OP.

 

You've made your position clear, it's now out of your hands. If she ever changes it, she knows where to find you. In the meantime, accept it's over, try and find distractions, and stay away. Sorry OP.

[Maddie82]

I agree with littleblackheart. You hurt her when you dumped her so she probably doesn't trust that you wont do it again.

[elaine567]

Exactly it is all about trust.

She wanted some commitment and you answered that by breaking up with her.

NOW you say you want her, you want to move in with her and get engaged.

 

Who does she believe? The guy who was happy to dump her or the guy who is now sorry he got rid of her?

How does she know as soon as she comes back you won't change your mind again?

You have torn her apart and now you say you didn't mean it???

She can no longer trust you.

It is over.

 

Few will give second chances, the minute you say it is over, it is usually really over, there is no going back after that...

[PRW]

Exactly it is all about trust.

She wanted some commitment and you answered that by breaking up with her.

NOW you say you want her, you want to move in with her and get engaged.

 

Who does she believe? The guy who was happy to dump her or the guy who is now sorry he got rid of her?

How does she know as soon as she comes back you won't change your mind again?

You have torn her apart and now you say you didn't mean it???

She can no longer trust you.

It is over.

Yes. Well said.

Even the "wanting her back" can be a selfish thing,...for his own good, for his own feelings, for his own desires/lusts. It is not for her own good.

He broke up with her because of what he wanted (or didn't want), it was to punish her for trying to get him to do something that he didn't want.

Edited July 11, 2019 by PRW

[django]

Exactly it is all about trust.

She wanted some commitment and you answered that by breaking up with her.

NOW you say you want her, you want to move in with her and get engaged.

 

Who does she believe? The guy who was happy to dump her or the guy who is now sorry he got rid of her?

How does she know as soon as she comes back you won't change your mind again?

You have torn her apart and now you say you didn't mean it???

She can no longer trust you.

It is over.

 

Few will give second chances, the minute you say it is over, it is usually really over, there is no going back after that...

 

 

I really, really messed up. She was a wonderful girlfriend and I just couldn't give her what she needed. I took her for granted and did a really poor job at communicating my thoughts. I made her feel like a chore. I didn't listen properly. This sucks.

[Flame Aura]

I really, really messed up. She was a wonderful girlfriend and I just couldn't give her what she needed. I took her for granted and did a really poor job at communicating my thoughts. I made her feel like a chore. I didn't listen properly. This sucks.

Use this as a lesson for your next relationship.

[d0nnivain]

How serious are you about wanting her back & on what terms? If you just want things to go back where they were, she's not interested. If you are ready to commit, show up with flowers & a ring. Get on one knee & all should be well.

[django]

How serious are you about wanting her back & on what terms? If you just want things to go back where they were, she's not interested. If you are ready to commit, show up with flowers & a ring. Get on one knee & all should be well.

 

Is this a joke?

[Normm]

If you are ready to commit, show up with flowers & a ring. Get on one knee & all should be well.

 

Why would you possibly think that him giving her flowers while kneeling will changer her mind and completely erase the problems?

[Normm]

Use this as a lesson for your next relationship.

 

^This. You might not get a second chance but with the next one if you're feeling pressured learn to back off a bit, take some needed space, talk it out so she understands where your head is at rather than the draconian measure of completely and suddenly ending things only to grovel and beg and make promises that you don't know if you can keep.

Edited July 11, 2019 by Normm

[It'sSmiley]

Keep trying, since she means so much to you.

[spiritedaway2003]

Is this a joke?

 

What he said out of the ballpark, but based on your response: Is it fair to say that you love her, but you're not really ready to commit to her?

 

Maybe it's time you let her go. Let this be a lesson learned for your next relationship. Best of luck.

[Kitty Tantrum]

I've seen situations where a breakup segues into a proposal and a happy marriage.

 

But I don't get the impression that OP is serious about wanting to marry this girl. I DO very much get the impression that he's using the future suggestion of cohabitation/engagement as bait to get her back on board with the previously-established status quo.

 

She's absolutely right to not take you back on those terms. If you actually DO want to marry her - and are ready to set a definite timeline - then yeah, ask her to marry you. Today, tomorrow, just do it. What have you got to lose?

 

If you're not ready to do that - just let her go.

[d0nnivain]

Is this a joke?

 

 

Not in the slightest. This woman wants to marry you. You broke up with her because you felt smothered. You thought breaking up with her would release all the pressure you felt. What I understood you to say you learned was that you truly love this woman. If that is not the case, why are you on here wondering what to do?

 

Her pushing you away when you tried to say sorry & that you made a mistake was a self perseveration action. She doesn't believe your words or trust you. She will believe a proposal. She might think that is too little too late but she will probably say yes. Deep down she wants you to fight for her. Writing her some lame letter is more empty words. The letter would be a joke. Propose already if you truly want her back. Even if she says no, at least you will know you tried.

 

You have problems with your mom but that is not your GF's fault or her responsibility to fix. Go to an Al-anon meeting or an ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) meeting to learn to deal with your mom.

 

Normm the flowers while kneeling won't cut it. He needs to be on his knees to propose! The flowers are an apology for taking her for granted, making her feel like a chore & all around breaching her trust by breaking up with her out of fear. She needs to see through action -- the purchase & presentation of the engagement ring & the flowers -- that he is truly making a real & genuine effort.

 

Look django -- if you are not all in, seriously leave her alone. If you are just dangling possible carrots for the future in front of her, don't. That would be mean & selfish on your part.

[elaine567]

Not all women are as stupid as to be taken in with flowers, he broke her heart and now some flowers and a far too late engagement ring is going to make her trust him again...

 

He can try if he wants, but maybe his gut reaction to break up with her was indeed the right one, maybe she now realises that too.

He maybe just needs a little time to get used to being alone for a while, before he rushes into something he may regret.

Something warned him off from committing here, something made him take her for granted, something made him not value her, maybe he should listen to that something.

[spiritedaway2003]

He can try if he wants, but maybe his gut reaction to break up with her was indeed the right one, maybe she now realises that too.

He maybe just needs a little time to get used to being alone for a while, before he rushes into something he may regret.

Something warned him off from committing here, something made him take her for granted, something made him not value her, maybe he should listen to that something.

 

I think that's d0nnivain's point here. Is OP just missing her or is he just afraid of being alone? I think the answer is somewhat telling. It would be selfish of him to try to get back if he has no intention of a commitment.

 

Of course, she could still say no, but that's her call after he broke her heart and lost her trust.

[Berteau]

The problem is we are only hearing your side, but I feel that if she was really in love with you, she would be happy to take you back. You made a mistake and admitted it. If she can’t forgive that then she’s not fit to make it through the ups and downs of life with you that you have with marriage.

[d0nnivain]

Not all women are as stupid as to be taken in with flowers, he broke her heart and now some flowers and a far too late engagement ring is going to make her trust him again...

 

He can try if he wants, but maybe his gut reaction to break up with her was indeed the right one, maybe she now realises that too.

He maybe just needs a little time to get used to being alone for a while, before he rushes into something he may regret.

Something warned him off from committing here, something made him take her for granted, something made him not value her, maybe he should listen to that something.

 

 

She may not agree to a reconciliation if shows up with flowers & an engagement ring but doing those things shows effort. She's more likely to respond well to that then some lame letter which is just more words she can't trust.

[Beachead]

So I took some time to read through the thread.

 

I think Elaine567 post on how your ex feels is accurate. She doesn't believe in your love or commitment anymore. I also agree with Donnivain in the sense that words won't be enough here. You've had sufficient time with your ex to figure out whether this is the girl for you. Despite that, you chose to breakup. There is reason for it. You need delve deep and ask yourself if you see a future with her. If you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with her...or is this you just realizing you lost something comfortable and familiar. (In my opinion, you should already know this.) If the answer is anything south of yes, your fighting for her is pointless for you and for her.

 

Right now, you've apologized, admitted to your mistake and admitted you want her back and a great thing for her and your conscious. You've said your peace and done your part, but the rest if up to her now. She needs the time to evaluate whether she is okay living without you or not and it's important you let her discover that on her own. It shows that you respect her and you are not just make it about yourself.

 

Also, trust that there is always forward momentum in a relationship that is sincere and full of love. So even when it seems like it's over because you're not talking anymore, that silence may very well be needed to think about things alone without influence, and gain some clarity about what happened, why it happened and how she feels about it. I've seen people rekindle after breaking up and succeed but I've also seen a lot of people breakup and move on. You must be prepared for that as well.

 

Your regret/guilt and self-blame is dangerous for you.

 

I'd normally advise people to do No Contact after breakups but you feel this way, I don't think NC is a wise move for you yet. These emotions can keep you stuck in the past for a long time, possibly for the rest of your life. You may end up seeing her as the one that got away rather than the wrong one. For you to move passed it, you will have to realize for yourself that you are not the sole reason for the relationship ending, so that you can move forward with a clear conscious.

 

For now, proceed on the assumption, she may still be checking your social media. Still around, watching. Give the fact you blame yourself, you want to avoid giving your conscious additional material. Blocking/deleting her off of social media may upset her, so avoid doing that for now. Leave the lines of communication open and leave yourself available but don't contact her. Setting a reasonable timeline for your conscious is important. I'd say give her 1 solid year to reach out to you. It's more than enough time. If she doesn't contact you by the end of that year, you go NC and move on.

 

In that time frame, her lack of contact if it's the case, will tell you, she is making a choice everyday, not to speak to you. It means she can live without you and doesn't want you in her life anymore. Also, keeping her on social media within that time frame will also help you put a picture to her moving on. You may see her post things that'll upset you. Her having fun with friends. Her with a new guy. Over the course of that time, these answers are going to help you find solace in the fact that you apologized, asked for reconciliation and held on..and although you broke up with her, her connection to you wasn't that strong for her to come back so it was ultimately her who decided she didn't want it..and THAT is an answer itself.

 

This will help you make peace with yourself, which is very important for you moving on.

 

Its okay to make mistakes. We're human. But as I said before, a strong relationship full of loving qualities (Forgiveness, patience, understanding, compassion) will have forward momentum regardless of mistakes. Even when the relationship seemingly goes backwards for a time, it will still be a necessary part of the overall forward momentum for the longterm.

 

A relationship that wasn't meant to be, ends. End of story.

 

Take a step back and get to it.

 

- Beach

Edited July 12, 2019 by Beachead

[django]

THank you all for your input. I really appreciate it. After talking it over with a few friends, I decided to send her an email apologizing for everything. I'll let you know what happens. Thanks again!

[django]

I sent her this email earlier today:

 

I want you to know that I didn't want to end our relationship. I broke up with you out of fear, and I simply wanted to avoid talking about the pressure I was feeling. It was a terribly immature and inconsiderate decision, and rather than listen to the voice in the back of my head telling me that I might be making a mistake, I avoided thinking about it until weeks had passed. I don't want things to back to the way they were before. I want to be more open about being committed to you. I was an insensitive and aloof partner who did things, or didn't do things, that made you feel very unimportant, unwanted, and alone. Rather than communicate like a normal person, I repeatedly pushed you away, and I hurt you terribly for it. I don't blame you at all for being done; I've damaged your trust in me, and I understand that you might think of this letter as just more talk. This is all my fault. I made a mistake, and I want to try again. I'm sorry.

 

I haven't heard anything, so I guess that's that. Thank you all for your help. I know things will be okay, but I"m hopeless for now. She was my best friend.

[Beachead]

@django

 

I won't fault you for doing this, I know how it is. For your conscious, it was good that you did that.

 

You may end up receiving a short, cold reply or no reply at all. If that happens, don't reach out again. Don't push, don't chase, don't beg. You apologized and owned up and I think that's reasonable. The rest is up to her.

 

- Beach

[Normm]

She may not agree to a reconciliation if shows up with flowers & an engagement ring but doing those things shows effort.

 

 

I sure hope if he follows your really bad advice, he finds a jeweler with a generous return policy.

[Normm]

I sent her this email earlier today:

 

Too bad you didn't put it up here first for us to proof read. Most of us would have tried to talk you out of sending it and probably failed but at least it could have had a fighting chance if a few changes were made.

 

Way too many "I's". You gotta make it about her. Not that it would have made any difference in this particular case but keep it in mind for next time.